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You like me! You really like me!! Or…..you hate me.


I am not sure why – but last week’s post about the “SEVEN MOMS TO AVOID ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL”  really struck a chord with mothers and fathers and aunts? across America.  There was a lot of talk about me being fat and jealous, and questions about what gave me the right to judge.    Your comments were very entertaining and well thought-out – the grammar police showed up and there was even reference to the Ashley Madison scandal.

In the meantime, I actually went to my children’s first day of school and mothers that were present, that know of my secret identity, quietly mentioned how they thought of me as they dressed for the first day. SCORE!!!  I am sorry about that Goopville moms….

I have to give a shout-out to the “pajama-moms.” You were some of the most vocal – proudly announcing your frequent bra-less pajama outfits with no apologies – while simultaneously enjoying my blog and laughing at yourselves.  This shows me that I have sold the pajama moms short and they could very well be among my closest friends if I am willing to overlook their nipples in the morning.  Duly noted.

Many of you hated me this week and told me that I was judgy and mean – and I love you anyways.  I love anyone who comes to this blog and is willing to read through a post and make a comment.  Please understand that this blog is meant to make people laugh and I have never once tried to be an inspirational voice for moms.  If anything, I firmly believe that we are all doing our best to navigate this crazy world of modern-day motherhood.  Sometimes it results in some funny shit.  Also, please note that I am the first person to throw myself under the bus.  I NEVER claim to know what I am doing.  I CONSTANTLY FAIL at being a “good mother” and my way of dealing with this is through laughter.

Because let’s face it.

If we don’t laugh at all of this, then we all be alcoholics that cry ourselves to sleep every night.

Thank you for reading – I read each and every comment and appreciate them all.

In closing – each year at this time I post my SECOND MOST SHARED AND FAVORITED BLOG which is my satirical take on school lunches and the lunatic mothers that prepare them…

For some of you loyal and loving readers this will be a repeat for you -but I have so many new readers that I just have to share!!!

Thanks again to all of you for reading!! A big thanks also to POPSUGAR MOMS for posting my “7 MOMS TO AVOID” blog on their website with possibly even better pics than I used!!!!

XO, Lady Goo Goo Gaga

When I was very young, my mother decided that I was quite independent and capable.

Upon discovering my love of “doing things myself,” she rearranged her kitchen cabinets and moved all of the cereal to the lowest cabinet. She taught me how to pour milk and make a sandwich for lunch. Once the basic survival skills were mastered she informed me and my brother that she would no longer be available in the mornings.

From that point on, we were responsible for getting ourselves up in the morning, getting dressed and ready for school, making breakfast and making ourselves lunch, and getting to the bus stop on time. To our credit (and hers) we managed to do this pretty much without incident. We never missed the bus and I don’t remember feeling neglected or abandoned in any way, even though the very first cereal I remember preparing for myself looked like this….

Fast forward to modern times when I have my own children and I have spent countless hours up at the crack of dawn preparing meals and snacks. Reflecting back on that time – it seems just a bit outrageous.

It’s a topic of conversation that she doesn’t enjoy, yet my brother and I bring it up constantly. It usually goes like this….

“Mom – remember when you announced that you were never waking up again – and we had to make our own lunch?”

She usually rolls her eyes…..”Oh – like you had such a bad life? I think you’re fine.”

“Yes – I’m fine – but it was little ridiculous that you weren’t up with us…”

“Oh, poor you…yes – you had it sooo bad. Did you have a good life? Did your father and I send you to college and give you a nice wedding?”

“Mom – that’s not the point – I am just saying – it was crazy to expect us to do everything by ourselves….we were like 2.”

“I was helping you to become more independent…..Like it’s so hard to pour a bowl of cereal?”

“Well it’s not – but when you are 4-years-old the gallon of milk is a little bit heavy.”

Usually it’s by this point in the conversation that she has left the room or hung up on me.

While I do think her morning routine was completely unacceptable, I am secretly envious of her 1970’s “laid back” parenting style.

Imagine just simply not waking up in the morning and sleeping in with no worries about what your children will wear, eat for breakfast or eat for lunch? How luxurious!

While I know that those days of parenting are long gone – never to return, I received full confirmation this week when I opened my Pottery Barn Kids Fall Gear Catalogue.

To start off I should have known I was in trouble when the catalogue started off with a picture of a preschooler carrying a backpack.

The “Pottery Barn people” must have really brain-stormed to come up with an image of a child that everyone could relate to.

It was only logical that they decided on a photo of a small child carrying 250 pounds of school supplies in a bag that is as big as he is, outside on the grounds of what appears to be……Harvard?

Oh yeah – and of course his name is Penn…What else would it be? And I am sure we could all agree that yellow suede loafers are the obvious choice for 4-year-old boys.

OK – so on to the lunch bag section of the catalogue. Of course modern-day parenting dictates that all snacks and lunches must be presented to children in fancy canvas totes with their names on it in bold text accompanied by an image of Darth Vader or Spider Man.

Gone are the days of the brown paper lunch bag.

Also, in the classic style of Pottery Barn, who historically since its inception seemed to make its mission as a company to make housewives and mothers feel badly about the state of things in their home……the “Pottery Barn People” have presented their impression of what a child’s lunch should look like.

Apparently their idea of a “lunch” drastically differs from mine.

Is this what my kids are supposed to see when they open their fancy lunch tote with 55 zippers and compartments?

Because that will never happen….

Please note that the sandwich has been fashioned into some sort of exotic daisy and a dipping sauce has been made available as part of Blair’s very balanced meal….If the other kindergarteners had any doubts if Blair’s mother loved her – I think it will be very clear now……

So …..here I am thinking I’m a great mother because I sometimes heat up Progresso soup in the morning and put it into a Batman thermos for Michael.

Once again – I am wrong. I am not mother of the year – in fact I might be the worst mother in America – according to Pottery Barn Kids.

As I kept reading – it became clear that I am, as I suspected, a very, very bad mother. I might as well just stay in bed like my mother…..because I have not once shaped sandwiches into a tic tac toe game smartly utilizing carrot shreds and pieces of grapes.

In the town where I grew up – If I ever opened up a lunch to reveal a tic tac toe game made out of sandwiches, I would get my ass kicked and my new name would be “Tic Tac” until I graduated highschool…..

Just when I was about to throw the catalogue in the garbage something caught my eye.

Wait – could this be true?

I know that good mothers are ones that send in little notes with their children’s lunch. I have been known to even send a note here or there.

But could it be possible that Pottery Barn Kids is SELLING IN THEIR CATALOGUE, something called “Lunch Box Love Notes.”

So – if you are too lazy or dumb to write out your own note to your child – no worries!! Pottery Barn has done it for you!!!

Thank you Mom for sleeping the day away and never sending me to school with a miniature sandwich with a yellow tomato ball and a strange love note on top of it.

Please notice the green note in the bottom right-hand corner.

So in case your kids is telling horrible stories at the lunch table – and the other kids are staring blankly at him – or saying something like “That story sucked,” – your note will be there to save the day!!

God forbid the 6 hour school day goes by without these children receiving some undeserving accolades from their mother!!

I actually perused the catalogue for a minute – thinking it would be nice to have the notes ready to go in the drawer in the morning. Maybe I would buy some, but I searched through the whole thing and couldn’t find any that were my kind of notes…..

Really?? It’s not enough that this lunch consists of yuca chips and cherry tomatoes? If my mother ever put a note in my lunch that said I was a “kind person” I would kill her.

I usually write things like:

“Hope you are having a nice day Michael – by the way the shirt you’re wearing is from Nordstrom – so if you rip your clothes at recess again today you are punished for a week.”

or

“Hi Love bug – don’t forget – if that bully bothers you again remember how Daddy told you to punch him right in the face!! Have a great day :)”

or

“If your friend offers to share his fruit snacks today, you are not allowed to eat them. This is why he already had a root canal when he was 4 – you will thank me later :)”

I guess I will be writing my own notes this school year…..

THANKS MOM FOR MAKING SURE I CAN POUR A MEAN BOWL OF CEREAL! AND PLEASE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW SINCE I HAVE BEEN MAKING THAT BOWL OF CEREAL SINCE I WAS 2…..

 

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Nutella and Pepperoni here we come…


The kids have 2 days left of school.

Many mothers dread the end of school but I welcome it.  It means summer is near.  It means that there are days on the horizon that involve a good book on the beach while my children play in the sun and surf.  This is welcome change after we all had a long cold winter spent in some sort of institutionalized situation that involved fluorescent lighting.

After months of torture involving school PTO, horrible weather, spending hours and hours watching wretched baseball and basketball and soccer games, it’s time for some relaxation time!!  There’s a whole lot of bullshit shenanigans that go on during the school year….and I am done.

For example, I am no longer making anyone in this household a lunch.  Any of my longtime reader know how I feel about modern day “Lunch-making.”

When I had little babies if someone had complained to me about making their kids a lunch before they went to school for 8 solid hours, I would have slapped them.  Yet somehow it really sucks making lunches…it’s arduous and horrible.  It’s organic and peanut-free and packed in BPA Free pouches and healthy and perfect. FUCK YOU FAT KIDS AND MICHELLE OBAMA NOW WE CAN’T SEND TWINKIES AND CHIPS.     It’s just very labor-intensive.

ln the old days you could throw a PB&J in a brown sack.

Now some fucking asshole is sending their kid to school with this:

Is that a CAR? Made out of a piece of Wonder bread and a two grapes and a cheese??? Seek counseling.

Is that a CAR?  Or TITS?   I can’t quite figure this out – but it seems to be something made out of a piece of Wonder bread and a two grapes and a cheese??? Seek counseling  crazy lunch making mothers.

When I was complaining recently, a friend mentioned that she never made a lunch for any of her children, that range in age from 12 to 5!

“Mrs. Bell doesn’t make lunch for any of her kids!” I informed my lazy useless children that evening, “So maybe I should stop making lunch for you guys this summer…”

“I can make myself a Nutella sandwich everyday,” Michael said with a shrug.

“Yeah my sandwich will be Nutella with fluff and pepperoni….and I can eat Doritos,” Sam added seriously.

I pictured the dirty kitchen, everything covered with fluff, coupled with the extremely large consumption of red dyes and sugars in the described lunch.

"It's a deal," I said, "I will never make your lunch again."

“It’s a deal,” I said, “I will never make your lunch again.”

Laundry is another whole situation that will get better when school is over.  It’s not enough that everyone in the Gaga household has something to cover their butts and peeps in public.

NO!!!

These motherfuckers need specific items each morning!!!

“Mom can I have underwear?” “Mom can I have socks that match?”

I am just constantly peppered with stupid questions.

So I direct them to the baskets of clean laundry that I haven't folded yet.....

So I direct them to the baskets of clean laundry that I haven’t folded yet…..

On top of it – I am expected to have their baseball and soccer and football and basketball uniforms readily available and clean.

On top of that! Apparently boys wear “cups” that are constantly tossed in with the dirty laundry.  Said “cups” need to be found at a moment’s notice when the child needs to go to his practice or game.  This “cup” locator job is apparently my problem as laundress.

Maybe I should lose all the cups and let them experience life without a cup.

They might keep better track of things…

soccer

Now that all of the sports are done with, the stress of laundry deadlines is gone. I don’t care what people wear in the summer, I don’t care if they match, and better yet it’s flip-flop season so socks won’t be an issue again until September.

The other thing I won’t miss is the homework.

I have stated before that I don’t know how to do the math homework of my 2nd and 4th graders.

Even though I can’t really help them on paper, in theory I can help them by chasing them around telling them to do their homework or they will be huge homeless losers.  I also help them to understand the instructions of their homework and I am also often held responsible by teachers to “check their work.”

During the summer I don’t give a fuck about learning.  It struck me the other day at the book store when I saw a huge selection of workbooks that are available for “good” parents who make their children do math homework over the summer.

mathwork

Do you think that a girl doing a wheelie on her bike surrounded by numbers is going to trick me into becoming a math teacher over the summer?? It’s not.

I am certainly not doing any workbooks over the summer with my children.  If they forget everything they ever learned over the summer – is that my problem? No it’s not.  It’s their teacher’s problem.

I purposely did not become a teacher.

I also purposely live in America.

If I wanted my children to learn and be smart during the summer I would live in China.  I purposely live in America so that we can eat Nutella pepperoni sandwiches and spend the summer being fat and dumb and forgetting everything we ever knew.

I am looking forward to it.

Thank God another school year is over and the summer will start this week!!!!!JUST BECAUSE I CALLED MY WHOLE FAMILY FAT AND DUMB DOESN’T MEAN I AM A BAD MOTHER – CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE BEST MOTHER IN AMERICA!!

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