We just had a conference week so EVERY DAY was early dismissal!! You know how the teachers in my town don’t like to stay at school anytime after 3:30…right?
So by cutting the school day short they are able to eat 55 sandwiches and meet with parents without having a long day.
Anyways, so what we did to fill our days was host playdates!! I was due for a bunch so we had 6 playdates this week and I have to say that now that the kids are getting older – it really isn’t too bad.
However – it made me think back to the time when I was locked up in the house with babies and had gotten roped into a playgroup. Those playdates were the absolute worst hours of my life!!!
Let’s face it – the playdate for babies and toddlers is really an excuse for bored moms to get together and talk about how horrible their lives are.
Of course, my luck is to get stuck with a bunch of women who want to talk about how much they love their children.
Playdates are also an opportunity for moms to participate in one of their favorite past-times which is to compete with other mothers.
Why do we do it?
Why do we even compete about food??
Why do we care?
But we do.
It starts right from the minute we get pregnant.
“You eat cold cuts? – Oh I would never, I haven’t even had a drop of coffee, not even decaf because Dr. Oz says there’s caffeine in decaf….”
Then we start right away competing with the whole breastfeeding war.
“I breastfed Ava right up until she was ready for first grade…I didn’t mind at all….”
Then we jump into food.
“Oh I would never feed my baby – baby food from a jar!!! I make all of my own baby food from scratch. I bought a $300 baby food maker and it purees an organic banana like you wouldn’t believe.”
Of course some people even take it a step further.
January Jones recently announced that she has been consuming her own placenta since giving birth to her child. This is the new cool thing to do apparently. Placentas can be ground up and eaten in pill form for the squeamish…..
Alicia Silverstone has been all over the headlines because she believes that she is a bird. Because of this – she spits food into her child’s mouth after she chews it for him.
Let me just say Alicia – there is something called a food processor. I know you are out to win “Mom of the Century” but let’s not reinvent the wheel here.
There are many ways to cut up food. If you didn’t want to waste energy by using a blender – (because I know how you hippies are) you could even use a good old fork and knife to cut things up.
I’m not quite sure what you are accomplishing by making out with your baby in this manner, instead of just feeding him like a rational adult.
When I got invited into my
mommy cult playgroup – I was new to the world of playdates and wasn’t really aware of all of the rules and etiquette.
When it was my first time hosting, I racked my brain to think of the perfect snack that would make the kids like me the best.
I didn’t know!
I also was thinking that maybe these women (whom I had never met before) could be my new friends. I had been in the house going crazy – my only communication being with long-distance friends on the phone.
I was kind of picturing this in my kitchen once a week:
So – when I was finished filling baskets with Doritos I got together some “Mommy treats”……
I slowly realized what was proper and acceptable and what wasn’t.
Kids were given water or breast milk served directly from a huge engorged boob that was whipped out at any given moment with reckless abandon, and a choice of cut up grapes or goldfish crackers.
Moms were served this:
Instead of running for my life after my first encounter with these idiots – I stuck it out for like 6 months. I kept trying to talk to them truthfully about how difficult life was or how sometimes I would eat more than just my placenta pills at breakfast even though I was fat.
They never responded appropriately, the way any of my real friends would.
One time they were all talking about how devastating it would be when the kids (who were all 2 at the time) started preschool. After everyone kept going on and on about how many tears they would shed when they left Brayden, Cayden, Layden and Jaden at the preschool for 2 hours, I interjected.
“Um – really? I intend to peel out of the parking lot at warp speeds and chain smoke Parliament Lights all the way home…….” I said matter-of-factly as I popped a chunk of my placenta into my mouth.
When I looked up this is what I saw…….
What is happening to this world?
Why can’t we laugh at ourselves?
Why can’t we just feed our kids food and beverages and act normal???
ATTENTION NEW MOTHERS!!
Do not feel inferior to crazy lunatics that think their placenta is better than a Dorito.
Do your best, feed your child in a calm rational manner.
Oh and one more thing……..Do not join a playgroup.
I ACTUALLY HAVE SINCE QUIT SMOKING – SO I THINK I DESERVE AT LEAST A VOTE ON THE LINK BELOW…..THANK YOU MUCH!!!