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Why my kids are lucky to have me….

The other day at the store Michael was pointing to something in the deli case.

“Mom kids in my class have this for lunch all the time…I want to get that.” he said.


“Absolutely not.” I said as I  pushed the cart away, “When you see children that have that for lunch it means that their mother doesn’t love them…see how lucky you are to have me?”

He nodded and seemed to understand.

It reminded me in general as Mother’s Day approaches just how incredibly lucky Michael and Sam are to have me….

I am going to repost from last Mother’s Day my list of reasons why…..


1 – Of course – just stating the obvious here – but even though I am Italian and spent many years going tanning my kids are lucky enough that I don’t  roast them in a tanning bed.

2 – I let my children choose from refreshing beverages like milk or water and I give them Flintstones Vitamins with Extra C to build immunity! I don’t breastfeed them until they are old enough to have one hand on a Wii controller and the other on my boob.

3 – If I did do something that could potentially scar them for life or embarrass them in front of their friends, I wouldn’t let some magazine reporter and photographer document said activity and publish it for the world to see.  I would not do that even if it was for the cover of TIME Magazine, because although I have a blog which could be seen as a touch narcissistic, I am not a complete asshole.

4 – I actually spend time with my kids. I take them to the park, or read books to them, or take them to the library instead of spending my time  “bullet-ing” all day like  many mothers in America.

5 – I could possibly be considered a “milf.”  This is especially noticeable when compared to the “milgamo’s” around this town.    (“Milgamo” stands for – “moms I’d like to give a make-over.) This doesn’t necessarily mean much – but when the kids are older I am sure they will take comfort in knowing that when I pick them up from school I won’t be wearing ‘mom-jeans.”

6 – Even though other mothers in town seem to “forget” to comb their children’s hair or let their hair grow to the floor because  “Johnny doesn’t like getting his hair cut,” I get my boys frequent haircuts and comb their hair regularly.

I think it is important that they don’t look like drag queens on heroin at the bus stop – (like many young boys do these days.)

This is another little first grade boy that often sits next to my son on the bus....

This is another little first grade boy that often sits next to my son on the bus….

7 – I make sure that my children are not fat and lazy.  On nice days I often send them outside and lock all the doors, keeping them out for long stretches of time.

When they try to come inside and watch television or play video games, I yell and say “Do you want to be fat and lazy like all of your friends? Do you??” and shove them back out the door.

8 -I don’t really make them go to church.  My father made me go every living Sunday of my life. I think my kids are pretty lucky that I am too lazy and tired and not-god-fearing enough, to make them go.  When we do go on occasion, if they laugh and act crazy, I probably join in instead of yelling at them.  (Sorry Jesus.)

9 – I keep it real.  I don’t hide the nitty-gritty facts of life.  The threat that my children might some day really end up in “bad boy school,” keeps  everyone on their toes around here.  “Bad boy school” is a place that my mother-in-law taught me about.  It is a place where boys go when they are mean and rotten and can be conveniently seen from the highway!  I drive fast enough by it that they never really get a good look.

I always say “Oh look I see little sad faces peeking out the windows….See them??”

They always look out the window frantically with looks of horror – and say “Yes! I see them!!”

Otherwise known as the Colt Building in Hartford, it’s the “Bad Boy School” in the Gaga household. I always say as we drive by – “There it is kids! Keep it up and that’s where you will be living soon!”

10- I BLOG about my life and theirs – so they will have plenty of evidence of what a good mother I am and how much I love them!!!



Dear One “Million” Moms,

Dear One “Million” Moms,

I hear that you have waged a war on retailer JC Penney due to the fact that they hired Ellen DeGeneres as their spokesperson.

Your group claims on your website that “By jumping on the pro-gay bandwagon, JC Penney is attempting to gain a new target market and in the process will lose customers with traditional values that have been faithful to them over all these years.

What I find most troubling about all of this is that the name of your group implies that you actually represent the mothers of this country – which of course is not true.

Only in some little backwards town in Mississippi do mothers sit around worrying about advertisements for the JC Penney. Only the most uneducated, sheltered person would consider being fair and open-minded towards a gay celebrity – a “GAY BANDWAGON!!!”

Um, this photo was on your home page - I am a little confused - if you hate the gay bandwagon so much, why do you have a big old lesbian right on your website????

Most American mothers are very busy caring for our children and/or working.  Sorry we don’t have all the free time you have, to spend perusing every little detail of every commercial, television show or movie.

I saw that your last campaign involved calling the Disney Channel regularly to request that when it aired “Little Manhattan” it edited out the word “hell.”

Ok – first of all – “What the fuck is “Little Manhattan?”

Second of all – don’t you think there’s some better activity a “million” women could be doing – besides sitting around waiting for random characters in some creepy Disney movie to say “hell?”

By the way – you might notice that I keep putting the word “million” in quotes because as Ellen DeGeneres pointed out you only have 40,000 members on Facebook.  As you may or may not know, since clearly your level of intelligence is definitely a huge question at this point, but 40,000 does not equal one million.

You give American Moms a bad name!!!!

No wonder the French moms hate us and write books about what horrible parents we are!!

It is because of people like you!!

I have a sneaking suspicion (mostly because you have such a love affair with JC Penney) that you aren’t the most fashionable bunch.

Do you think that possibly you could just be bitter and angry that you have been wearing mom jeans for the past 20 years, and on top of it – your “mom jeans” are from the JC Penney?

Oh so you are boycotting JC Penney? Maybe if you weren't such assholes you could be getting one of these fine jewels for Valentine's Day ......oh well, too bad -suckers!

Don’t be too upset that you are now forced to boycott JC Penney.  It’s not really the end of the world. You can always just do all of your shopping at Walmart from now on – they haven’t moved to the “dark side” like JC Penney.

Ooops – nevermind… just remembered that little harlot, Miley Cyrus, has a line of clothes at Walmart. She wears short skirts and smokes weed – so scratch that plan….just go to Sears.

Ooohhhh – those slutty, get married 50 times for 2 minutes, Kardashians do ads for Sears……hhmmmmm….

Maybe you better get the old needle and thread out…..

I’m sure you can whip up something yourself that would be just as fancy as what JC Penney could offer.  I mean how hard is it to sew together some acid-washed mom-jeans anyways?

By the way – while you asshats are sewing your own mom-jeans and calling JC Penney all day – the rest of the mothers in America are struggling with actual real modern-day issues like balancing work and family, keeping our home clean, and choosing the right activities or sports for our children.

I like to believe that most of  today’s mothers in America are smart, educated and forward-thinking. 

I hope that we are just and open-minded and that we teach our children to be fair and treat other people with respect and consideration. 

Also as a side-note, in between raising my children to be good, smart individuals  – when I have a spare minute to myself I am always trying to be a “milf.”  

When I have attempted to be hip and stylish I have shopped at Nordstrom or Forever 21 or have concentrated my efforts at the makeup counters.

Not once have I entered  a JC Penney in all of my 33 22 years because I always envisioned this:

The Million Moms at their "We Hate the Disney Channel" Rally last week.....


But lo and behold – I just discovered that JC Penney is actually turning over a new leaf!!  Along with hiring Ellen – apparently they are getting a little hipper trying to attract “MILFS” like me!!!

It's probably for the best that you boycott the Penney - you don't want to take a chance that you come across any riff raff like these girls.......

In closing – you will not win this battle, my Mississippi friends. 

Do you actually think you homeschooling, bible belt morons in your long braids to the floor and your  mom jeans – can fight Ellen DeGeneres and JC Penney and win??

Thing again assholes. 

Your little stunt has done nothing but provide outstanding free publicity for JC Penney and inspired celebrities and moms across the country to shop there.

Good work …. Jesus would be proud!

Your friend,

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

I actually learned through my friend Hot Mess Mom and her Million Milf March (see now these are the kind of causes I support – moms wanting to be milfs!!!) – that there is now a group called One Million People who support Ellen – which is quickly gaining support and will soon outshine this little cult. 

If you agree with my stance – please share this post on Facebook!!!!  Thanks so much…XO, Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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