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Raising the (Salad) Bar

Kids today are just so goddamn dependent on their parents.  They are helpless overindulged little beings.

We have created this.

Parents today have hovered and helicoptered so much that we have rendered these poor innocent children so completely and utterly paralyzed that we don’t even know what they are capable of.

I saw this first-hand this week.

Goopville Moms decided to put forth a great effort to affect change in the school food program.  This effort manifested itself this year with the PTO purchase of 11 salad bars (one for each elementary school in town) which would be wheeled out and utilized every Wednesday.

“Children will have fresh salad once a week!” the PTO rejoiced.


Even though there is fake fruit and vegetables on the top – the actual salad bar is quite pitiful….

With these amazing developments came a request from the PTO for parent volunteers to man the salad bar.  Each Wednesday 2 parents would have to commit 2 solid hours of their day to doling out lettuce to rotten children.  Needless to say I was on the list of parents to contact regarding this.

“So – why do we have to be cafeteria workers?” I asked calmly to the Salad mom in charge.

“Oh – it’s fun! It’s so nice to see all of the children enjoying the salad bar!” she answered cheerfully -not really answering why my life had been boiled down to a school cafeteria employee.

I agreed to a couple of days in the beginning of the year and marked my calendar.

This week – after the hustle bustle of the holidays was officially over I felt like I could breathe.

The house got cleaned and slightly organized.  I hit the gym.  I made dinners. I washed clothes.

All was right with the Gaga world.

I was browsing through my phone checking out my calendar Wednesday night when I saw something alarming.

Oh dear...

Oh dear…I didn’t do that….

“Oh my God the “Salad Bar Mom” is going to kill me!” I thought. Hopefully the other mom on duty held it together.   I ran to the bottom of the stairs and called up to the kids who were in bed.


“Fine!” they called down disinterestedly.

“Was anyone there?!” I called.

“Nobody!” they answered.

Oh no.

“WAS LETTUCE FLYING EVERYWHERE???” I called up frantically.












This could be catastrophic!

This could be catastrophic!


“NO MOM!!!! NOTHING HAPPENED!” they answered with annoyance.

Hmmm – the other mother didn’t show up either and nothing happened.

Nobody even noticed.

The whole next day went by and the salad bar mother didn’t even contact me.

“I think this a major development!” I told Mr. Gaga excitedly. “By not showing up- I forced hundreds of children to be resourceful and pick up their own cucumbers with a pair of tongs and they succeeded!!”

“Don’t try to twist your negligence into something other than what it was….” he reprimanded.

I rolled my eyes as I texted the salad bar mother to apologize but to let her know that everything ran smoothly and there was nothing to worry about.

She was not impressed with my experiment.

She had heard that some children had eaten salad without dressing because they didn’t know how to get it.

“See?” Mr. Gaga confirmed, “You dropped the ball,” he said shaking his head – mocking me.

“I dropped the ball? I screeched.

“Do you know that just this week a girl Sam’s age dug herself out of a plane crash that killed her family and traveled barefoot through the woods to rescue herself??” I demanded.

“And I am supposed to feel bad that these useless brats didn’t have enough ranch dressing on their lettuce?”

Mr. Gaga shrugged.

He doesn’t want to admit the facts.

Our children are capable of doing a lot more than they do.  How will we know what they are capable of if we don’t let them try?

Next year Michael and his classmates will be in fifth grade!! They are going to start going through puberty!

Will they have pubic hair and body odor and I will be cutting their meat for them?

Is this what Michelle Obama envisioned when she started her healthy food in schools initiative?

You're cute - now go get your own damn salad....

You’re cute – now go get your own damn salad….

That grown-ass children with their periods would be waiting for me to sprinkle croutons on their salads for them?

Do you think the Tiger Moms in China are scooping chickpeas all day?

"You guys are assholes..."

“You guys are assholes…”

It will be interesting to find out what children can really do – and I am going to know the answers soon, because after this salad bar experiment I decided I am really going to try not to do anything for my kids ever again…..

I will let you all know how it goes!!

Happy 2015!




Dolls gone Wild

Mothers today seem to want to do everything for their children. If you asked my parents they would even include me in that statement.

During the summer months, we are at the beach and I try to take a step back from helicopter parenting. They ride their bikes to camp alone, they run up and down the beach exploring and swimming for hours, and when the day is over they hop into the outside shower together and clean themselves.

Sometimes while they shower I pour myself a glass of wine and forget where they are altogether.

A friend from home came to visit and was horrified at shower time. “Well, how do you know if they are clean?” she asked.

I shrugged, “Well….I guess I don’t.”

What age are you supposed to hand over the washcloth and hope for the best? I mean how old is a boy supposed to be when is mother stops scrubbing his asshole and his testicles?

The tasks that modern mothers have trouble relinquishing control of don’t end with butt and penis washing.

I know many 5 and 6 year-olds that don’t know how to zip their coat, tie their shoes, or wipe their butt when they poop.

In the defense of mothers, it is much easier and quicker to just zip a jacket than wasting precious time teaching a child how to do something.

When Michael was going to first grade I realized that his foot was way too large to keep putting into a velcro sneaker.

I thought this was not a cute look for kindergarten....

I thought this was not a cute look for first grade…

I found the perfect solution and signed him up for the shoe-tying class at Nordstrom.

Mr. Gaga put his well-tied shoe down firmly.

“Cancel it, that’s ridiculous.” he said.
“But I was on the wait list for 4 months to get him in!” I pleaded.
He stared at me. “You could have taught him by now.” he said heartlessly.
He had a point.

When does all of this hand-holding, butt-wiping, jacket zipping enabling come to an end?


Once it starts – it is hard to stop. I know of two mothers who actually inserted their daughter’s tampons for them, because “they didn’t want to do it themselves.”

Well I didn’t want to do it either so guess what happened to me? I wore a big honking maxi pad for 2 years until I was ready to try to insert a tampon myself.

Mothers today are all too quick to solve problems and gloss over everything to make sure that even if everything isn’t perfect it will at least appear as though it is.

Hide that doll's hair and face...she's embarrassing me....

Hide that doll’s hair and face…she’s embarrassing me….

This urge to solve problems for America’s children has reached an all new low.

A troubling post keeps appearing on Pinterest that instructs users how to make dolls look better.

When I was young I had Barbies and dolls that occasionally got a bad haircut, my kids have a superhero who occasionally rip their cape or lose a limb or even get run over by a huge truck.

That’s life.

But no!!

We don’t let children today experience what it feels like to have a doll that looks like a crystal meth addict.

It’s highly unpleasant to have a doll with snarled hair – but no worries, like everything else – we can FIX it!!

Millions of people have pinned this post which carefully outlines how to make your child’s doll look better.


If you have time to kill and find it a top priority to make sure your kid’s doll doesn’t look like Lindsay Lohan than here is the secret recipe!

I am sorry but am I the only one who has better things to do with their time than spend the day making a doll not look like a whore?

I have a hard time keeping up with my own beauty routines.  I often find that I am falling behind on my waxing, haircuts and color, manicures, etc.  So while I walk around with a full moustache and chipped toenails, is someone suggesting that I spend my day delousing a doll and making sure that she looks well-coiffed?

Has everyone in this country lost their god-damn minds?

There are plenty of mothers out there (you know who you are) that walk around town wearing yoga pants, no makeup, and gray hair.  Perhaps you could take some time for yourselves to actually go exercise in your yoga pants or take a hair appointment.  Certainly ANY activity would be time better spent than worrying yourself about how embarrassed you will be the next time your daughter has a friend over and she sees that her American Girl doll looks like Amy Winehouse.

I know you will all say it is because I have boys that I don’t understand the importance of this task…but you are wrong.

I am a girl.

It is laughable to imagine me or my friends growing up in the 80’s, bringing some jacked up doll to our mothers and asking them to comb their hair with fabric softener so that they won’t look like whores.

I asked my mother to do my Barbie's hair and when I came home she looked like this....

Once I asked my mother to do my Barbie’s hair while I was at school and when I got home she looked like this….

Why don’t we use these “whore dolls” to teach important lessons to today’s little girls.

You can sit your daughters down with the trampy doll and say “Look, there’s nothing we can do. Look at your doll sitting there spread eagle, smoking a cigarette with her eyes glazed over, her snarled hair and her ripped outfit all askew.  She has made a series of bad decisions and now she has to face the consequences…..”

Why don’t we use these unfortunate tramps to teach young girls to make good choices and not to go down the wrong path?


There she is in the street…where she belongs!

Mothers – come together and find something to do, or at least think of me the next time you feel the urge to spend your day combing doll hair.

Just like humans, dolls sometimes hit a rough patch.  Sometimes it’s not all castles and prince charmings….

It’s an important lesson and one that is never too early to teach.



Summer Olympics 2022

We were watching the swimming competition last night and I said to Sam “Maybe one day you will be able to swim like that.”

“Nope,” he answered matter-of-factly as he left the room.  Over his shoulder he added, “I will NEVER go to the Olympics.”

I watched him leave the room and was tempted to give a speech about perseverance and “never saying never,” but I stopped myself.  I started to think about the possibilities for him and his brother, and as I really started to ponder it, I started to get a little nervous.

If you really think about this generation of children going to the Olympics, “never” is a quite accurate word.

It truly seems a bit unrealistic, and quite frankly, they could very well have to get rid of the whole thing all together.

Think about it….

For starters, there’s no way in hell these fat-ass fruit snack and McDonald’s eating-kids are going to grow up to be svelte Olympians.

The categories of sports would have to change dramatically.

First things first – this generation isn’t exactly the best at riding bikes.  I cannot tell you how many SECOND GRADE BOYS come to my house and announce they don’t know how to ride a bike.  In their defense they are probably very busy playing Mario Kart and watching Star Wars.  However, there will definitely have to be some allowances made for this problem.

I think this could work…..

There could never be any spiking during beach volleyball – that would be waaayyy too violent.  The ball would have to be lovingly tapped from side to side.

The ping-pong and tennis would have to be the virtual Wii sports versions, because the children of today surely don’t even know about the live version.  It could be held in some sort of fancy basement.

The swimming and diving would definitely be problematic.  I’m pretty sure the diving category would have change.  The kids today are pretty fat and are mostly too scared to dive.  That is the perfect recipe for an awesome “Cannon-ball competition.”

As for the swimming piece, I know that my kids are not the only ones who cry and refuse to go to swimming lessons.  However, I am the only mother who screams at them to get back into the pool.

If I had a dime for every time another mother told me “Johnny doesn’t know how to swim, because he just never liked to put his head underwater!!” I would be a rich woman.

It’s fairly safe to say this generation won’t be producing many Olympic swimmers, so the only thing to do would be to allow floaties.

He might be embarrassed that his mother made him wear his “swimmies” to the competition – but better safe than sorry!!!

The balance beam would have to be lowered significantly, it’s much too high!!! What if they fell off? They could break their neck!!

Also, with childhood obesity such an issue today – I envision many of today’s children growing up to be sadly obese adults.  These children would never be able to do some of the gymnastic moves on the floor and they surely would never be able to swing their massive bodies up and around a bar.

The rules would have to change to allow for spotters who would be responsible for hoisting the huge bodies up onto the bars.

Once they were up on the bar it would mostly likely break into splintereens from the weight-so the bars would have to be reinforced with titanium rods to ensure that they could remain intact.

Once all the equipment was tweaked, and these little angels were done with their routine  – God help the person that thinks he’s going to announce a winner.

There would have to be a change, so that every race or competition could end in a tie.

If there was ever a “winner” that would mean that the other competitors would be considered “losers” and then they would all start crying.

What do you mean I lost? You guys are assholes…..I want my mommy.

After years of this entitled, pampered generation getting a trophy or medal for just showing up – we couldn’t expect to just give out ONE GOLD MEDAL!!???

He better pass that shit around……If he doesn’t ‘share’ with the other swimmers…there’s going to be a lot of angry moms on his tail…

With that in mind – it would probably be best to just get rid of the judges completely.  They wouldn’t be able to do much.

If they took points away from someone there’s a pretty good shot that he or she would start crying and have a complete temper tantrum.  If that happened, then the judges will have to face all of the helicopter parents that will be at the judging table arguing and requesting that the judges give their children better scores.

Granted, at this point in time, the competitors will be approximately 18 and that will put the “helicopter parents” at about 60, but I am sure they will be just as feisty as ever.

There are millions of reasons why the children being raised today will never see Olympic Gold – so be sure to enjoy these 2012 Summer Olympics – as we just never know when it will all be a thing of the past.


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Like children today …..I don’t take losing well.

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