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What I learned….

In February of 2011 I began this little anonymous blog, as a way to vent and tell stories of my experience as a mother.

I have so loved having you all read, comment, laugh and commiserate. I look forward to much more blogging in 2012 and thank you all for your support!!

2011 was a good year for me.  I finally started to feel like I could think about doing something for myself – something besides wiping a butt or emptying a dishwasher.  (Like start a blog!!)

If I had to pick one word for 2011 it would be “blog,”  because in the beginning of the year I didn’t even really know what a blog was, and now I have my mom blog and I also have a beauty blog, and blogging has become a huge part of my life!

If I had to pick one word for 2012 it will be “Tweet.”  From what I understand this is something I am supposed to be doing already, but as usual I am behind the eight-ball with technology – so I am going to figure it out and become a tweet-aholic.

Today I want to just review the year for those of you who might have missed some important stories….with the
TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED THIS YEAR…..(and one for good luck)

#1 – In February I started this blog and learned about other cultures at a Chinese child’s birthday party. This is where I was told to take off my shoes and wear the mother’s filthy slippers throughout the party.

#2 – In March, I came to the realization that my neighbor “Fran Drescher” is an utterly repulsive idiot.  I am so thankful that she moved across the country so I no longer have to be subjected to her filth or her children’s theater productions.

#3 – In April, I was an idiot and drove 19 hours in the car to Georgia, I learned that this is not necessarily a good idea.  As if it’s not bad enough being stuck in a vehicle for long periods of time,  I definitely learned that when one gets out of the car for short breaks, the Cracker Barrel is not the place to go.

#4 – In May, in honor of Mother’s Day I reviewed the ways “This is not my mother’s motherhood.”  Most of this list revolves around the fact that modern-day motherhood is wretched and torturous and my mother enjoyed leisure time watching the Days of Our Lives program and smoking cigarettes.

#5 – In June, school ended so I no longer had to look at or listen to Steven Keaton at the bus stop, and I figured out a way for my son to get the final revenge of the school year.  This school – year I learned that I must wear sunglasses rain or shine to avoid eye contact with any and all humans at said bus stop.

Imagine waking up every morning and having to watch this guy pretend he's going to take the bus to kindergarten.

#6 – In July, I learned that Bingo is very annoying, I will never win and it is not good for my mental health. If I continue to attend the yearly beach bingo I could possibly flip tables like Theresa Guidice.

Teresa Guidice flipping a table

#7 – In August, I learned that too much sun coupled with late nights spent watching Spongebob while his mother drinks wine, can actually turn a 5-year-old into the devil.  I got a lot of comments on this one – I think you all could relate to this story – especially when everyone on the beach clapped when we left….

#8 – In September, I was provoked by a moron in my “Moms Club” who decided to tell her 2-year-old there’s no such thing as Santa.  I learned that there is a level of horrible parenting that I was not aware of – Oooohh how I hate that woman and her husband.  In 2012 – stay tuned for more idiotic requests and questions from people who apparently can’t solve simple matters without sending out a mass email to 800 mothers.

#9 – In October, I escaped from Hell on Earth Connecticut and I learned it is not necessarily all it’s cracked up to be.  Although we had a great trip – it did take us until about Halloween to recover from the trip – and that was about the time that we had a storm that destroyed Connecticut life as we knew it.

#10 – In November, my hair turned into a Brillo pad and I learned how to survive without power for 10 days!!!!!  It took us until last week to recover from this fucking piece of shit storm and the piece of shit utilities company that we have here in lovely Connecticut.

This is me waiting for my husband to hook up the generator.....

#11  – In December, I learned that some people in this household do not value Christmas traditions and schedules as much as I do…..and Mr. Gaga asked that I also say I learned that he is funnier than me……(which of course is not true.)

What's the big deal? Why are you crying? Are you crying about coming home to raw chicken on the counter and a messy house or is it because I am an idiot?

Happy New Year!! Please start off the new year in a positive direction and vote for me was one of the Top Mommy Blogs!! XOXOXO LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Linking to pour your heart out!!


What I learned on a 19 hour road trip with small children…

What I learned on a 19 hour road trip with small children…

1 – Definitely check to be sure that the portable televisions work. Specifically, be sure that they are not going to get so hot from being on for a long time that they will essentially come close to bursting into flames and melting your DVD, leaving your children in tears and 15 hours to go.

2– Definitely when resorting to the built-in vehicle television, be sure to check that the sound options work in said vehicle so that you have the option to just turn on the audio in the rear where the children are seated. Otherwise you will have “Dora’s Easter Hunt” and “Star Wars” on FULL BLAST for 4 hours so that they can hear it all the way in the back.

3-The item below is a sanity-saver and can become an addiction. I find myself still looking in my hometown for Nevada and Hawaii. Sometimes good old standards like the license plate game can get you through!

4 – Learn how to mute the GPS lady. She will pretty much get you where you need to go, but she is an annoying bitch who does not shut the fuck up.

5 – Don’t travel with teething infant who is having explosive diarrhea every hour.

6 – Although it might seem the right option when faced with the breakfast choice of “Shoney’s,” “WAFFLE HOUSE” or “Huddle House”, the Cracker Barrel Old Country Store is not a good choice for me. I will forever remember the sensation of biting into a pancake filled with blueberries covered in raw pancake batter, while watching my husband eat some sort of meat and biscuit covered in white gravy. Apparently it’s a nice place to rock in a rocking chair or play checkers or eat items smothered in Alfredo sauce, but not for me.

7– Utilize family or friends that have room in their car that are making same road trip for some miscellaneous bags, strollers, etc. Be prepared when your parents inform you that on the way back they won’t be able to bring back anything for you because they “need all the extra room in their trunk to fill it up with cartons of cigarettes,” from discount outlet.

8 – Be mentally prepared when coming home (even if it’s almost MAY) that you will need to immediately TURN ON THE HEAT in your house and sink into an immediate depression.

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