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Sorry…I can’t make it

I just knew I wasn’t the only one to hate Caillou!!!   Thanks for all of the reading and sharing last week!!

This weekend kicks off summer, my favorite season.  When you live in Alaska Connecticut, where essentially we have winter from October to June (9 months for anyone who’s counting) the summer days are precious.

I want to spend every moment I can basking in the sunshine.  What I don’t want to do is attend annoying functions to celebrate milestones that may or may not warrant celebrating in the middle of a summer day.

I call these types of functions that cut into my beach time, “sun-wasters.”

Since Mr. Gaga and I have large families and we are both very entertaining people, the invitations just keep pouring in.

Here are some summer functions that I don’t want to get off the beach for…

Your kid’s birthday party in the yard:  My friend Martha was the worst offender of this a couple of years ago.  When I can be at a beach or a pool the last thing I want to do is be in your yard with hot sticky children in a bounce house with face paint dripping down their sweaty faces.

Ironically enough I plan to have Sam’s birthday party in my yard on Friday.

Oopsie...At least I will serve alcohol to the parents to lessen the blow....

Oopsie…At least I will serve alcohol to the parents to lessen the blow….

Somehow even though Sam’s birthday is in always ends up being the hottest day of the year.

Last year, Mr. Gaga wasn't feeling well and swore he would never attend one of Sam's backyard parties again....

Last year, Mr. Gaga wasn’t feeling well and swore he would never attend one of Sam’s backyard parties again….

Kid’s birthday party when it’s not their birthday: People around here just throw birthday parties when it suits them.  Your kid’s birthday is in January but he likes bounce houses? Pretend his birthday is in August and make everyone stop enjoying the beach so that they can be tortured in your yard!

You are moving away and your kid’s birthday is in December? Have the party in the summer before you leave!!

No …I am very sorry people but that’s not how it works.  And if you have a party on the kid’s fake birthday, don’t even think of inviting us again on the real birthday.  How many presents do you think I am going to buy for your kid?

Graduation parties:   I have no problem celebrating someone graduating from college or highschool.  This is no small feat.  However, the commencement for most colleges are in May, high schools are the end of June.  You have until July 4th to wrap this up.   Don’t come knocking on my door in August talking about someone graduating….the ship has sailed my friend.

Reunions: Remember last year when we went to the weeklong reunion of sorts with Mr. Gaga’s family at the “Dirty Dancing” facility?  At least there was a pool there for god sakes.

As I mentioned earlier, we have all 9 months of winter to get together and drink and take trips down memory lane.  I’m not interested in doing that in the sweltering heat with no visible sign of a body of water.

There’s nothing worse than going to some weird picnic with people who you barely know.  To be surrounded by pot luck mayonnaise filled salads and people playing badminton in someone’s hot backyard is just not my cup of tea.

Invite me to meet at a bar in the fall, I will be there with bells on.

Engagement party:  Once we have a close friend or family member get engaged we all know that we are into this blessed occasion from anywhere from $500 to $2000.  Between the showers, bachelor parties, hotels, dresses, gifts, etc. you have to take out a second mortgage.

That being said – why do I have to kick off this money hemorrhage by giving you an engagement gift?

Especially since we are in our mid 30’s.  Just because you decided to stay single this long – don’t take it out on me.  I don’t need to watch you make out and profess your love to each other on a hot summer day….We will see you at the shower and the bachelor party and bachelorette party and the stag and the rehearsal and the wedding.  Really.  We don’t need to get off the beach for this.

Weddings on Holiday Weekends:  Have any of you ever been on the Interstate 95 in CT or NY? How was that experience? Was it enjoyable?

When I think of Satan at the fiery gates of hell, I envision the gates opening up to the I-95 somewhere around Stamford or the Bronx.

95 hell

If you venture onto this little interstate during the months of July and August on a summer weekend you might find yourself contemplating suicide.

If you add to this scenario July 4th or Labor Day, you would have to add 3 hours at least to reach your wedding destination in a timely manner.

It’s cruel and unusual punishment.

All I want to do is go to the beach, take an outdoor shower, enjoy some delightful summer cocktails, eat some grilled food items, eat smores, watch a firework and go to bed.

What I don’t want to do is drive on the I-95 for 10 hours, prespire excessively in some sweatbox of a church, watch you and your family do the macerena, miss the fireworks and get back on the I-95 for another five hours home in the morning.

Showers:   Whether it’s for your pending nuptials or the birth of your child, if the sun is shining I don’t want to be there.


There’s a beach chair and an US Weekly calling my name and I don’t need to sit here oohing and ahhing while you unwrap 50 Boppy covers.  I also don’t want to play “bridal bingo”  while you open pans and tank tops that say “Sexy little bride.”

In Bridesmaid, Kristen Wiig fulfills my every dream when she punches this heart cookie at her best friend's bridal shower and then stabs the Eiffel Tower with a knife....

In the movie Bridesmaids, Kristen Wiig fulfills my every dream when she punches this heart cookie at her best friend’s bridal shower and then stabs the Eiffel Tower with a knife….

I don’t care to eat some sort of chicken marsala dinner in the middle of the day followed by cake and coffee like I am 85 years old.

There’s nothing worse than going to a shower at 11:30 am and rolling out at like   4 o’clock on a Sunday afternoon in the summer.  You are blinded by the light after being held prisoner for so long and you just have to go home and go to bed because the whole day is destroyed.

This is what I looked like after I left a shower last summer...It seemed like I hadn't seen the light of day in years....

This is what I looked like after I left a shower last summer…It was like I hadn’t seen the light of day in years….

In closing, don’t take offense when I don’t come to your event this summer.

It’s nothing personal, it’s just that I just have olive skin that needs some tanning…..



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Last Friday Night

My friend ( I will call her Martha) hosted a backyard birthday party for her daughter Friday night.  This particular friend is very good at party-planning and menu-planning, but also thinks that she is Martha Stewart and tends to take things too far.  For example, if the kids say they feel like having mac and cheese, instead of making it from the box like the rest of America, she whips up a four-cheese gourmet dish.  If the kids want chicken nuggets, then she cuts up chicken, breads it and fries it up while the rest of us take frozen nuggets and heat them up.  If the kids want ice cream – in the fall she has been known to puree pumpkin and mix it with cream and sugar for a homemade gelato!!!!! Ok – do you see how exhausting this is? 

I was actually a little jealous of the party at home, that I would never be able to pull off and that my kids never seem interested in.  They always want to go somewhere that is filled with the stomach bug and inflatable devices that costs $500.00.

“You can totally do a costume party for Michael in October in the yard!! It would be so fun  – you can do games! And you can have a fog machine! And you can do a scavenger hunt and hide bloody hands in the bushes!!”  (Sidenote: – This sentence is word-for-word what she said. She is always super positive and optimistic and thinks everything is always going to be super awesome and fun!!  She is very convincing.)

I was totally excited – I had learned a lot about children’s birthday parties since Michael got invited to 45 parties since the start of kindergarten and I would be thrilled if I could manage to do one at home. 

When we arrived the yard basically looked like Candyland. Martha thought it would be cute and nice to set up a long table for 26 children filled with decorative gumball machines and huge glass vases filled with lollipops and pixie sticks.  That’s right – you heard correctly – the APPETIZERS for 26 kids – were gumballs, lollipops and PIXIE STICKS.  It looked gorgeous – but possibly problematic. 

This is my friend greeting us in her backyard at the start of the party!

Martha seemed to have things under control, organizing potato sack races and some game involving foam noodles, so my husband stayed with the kids at the party while I ran some errands and came back about a half hour later.  Apparently, during this time the raw sugar consumption coupled with the fact that this generation of children doesn’t know how to play in a yard, ended up as a recipe for disaster.  When I came back, the children had the noodles and were running around hitting each other in the face with them.  Buckets of sand that were set up for another game were being tipped over and kids were taking shovels filled with sand and throwing them into the air and at each other.  Potato sacks and the “tug of war” rope were thrown in the bushes along with eggs that had been set aside for a “spoon races.”  

This was how the table looked at the start of the party before I left to run errands.

Pink sugar was everywhere on the previously beautiful tablescape – and my son ran up to me when I got there with what seemed to be a large baseball in his mouth. 

“Spit that out.” I said with my hand under his chin.

A humongous blue gumball came out of his mouth.  Apparently the gumball machine as centerpiece had backfired.

This was what the party looked like when I got back from running my errands.


Martha was in the center of the madness with a look of exasperation – I stared at her in horror.

“Well I’m glad I was here to witness this – so I don’t make the same mistake with Michael’s party.” I said.

“They just chewed me up and spit me out,” she said. “I guess we should serve the food.”

Ah – the food. Off we went to serve sliders and tater tots with an olive and pickle antipasti.  (That’s normal – right?) We actually went up and down the table with little ramekins of mustard and ketchup asking the wretched beasts if they wanted a condiment with their slider, instead of the crazy idea of putting condiments in squeeze bottles where they belong and letting the 7 year olds!!! fend for themselves.

Up and down the table this is what could be heard….

“I hate burgers.”

“I hate buns, I don’t eat bread – I want mine with no bread.”

“I hate pickles.”

“I need more pickles.”

and my personal favorite….”I am not eating that I am a vegetarian.”

To which Martha responded – “Ok I will make you a grilled cheese.”

To which the little vegetarian responded, “I hate grilled cheese.”

To which Martha responded – “Ok I will make some pizza on the grill.”

When Martha did this – the vegetarian refused to eat it!!!!  Instead she dipped her PIXIE STICK in her KETCHUP and ate that instead.

After dinner – and another failed attempt at a yard game, Martha decided to move on to the Barbie cake.  After singing and elbowing obnoxious children out-of-the-way that were trying to blow out the candles – Martha tried to cut the cake on the table.  A swarm of crack-addicted pixie-stick eaters hovered around – requesting pieces of Barbie’s anatomy that they wanted to eat.

“We have to cut this cake away from the table – these kids are animals,” I said.  At that moment my son came over and plopped his entire elbow right into the cake.

We were in the home stretch – 20 minutes more of insane running around the yard and beating each other with noodles and Martha passed out the party favors which included more CANDY and the hit of the party….Whoopie Cushions.

At this point in the event all 26 children literally – went and sat down to test out this newfangled device.  Squeals of laughter ensued and lots of hideous noises –  it was the highlight of the night!!!

For all of her efforts – all these insane children wanted was a really loud “fart” noise!!!!  I am not going forward with the “Bloody Hand in the Bush” party – I am thinking more of inviting a bunch of kids over and we will just eat pixie sticks and sit on whoopie cushions for 2 hours.  It should be a hit!!



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