RSS Feed

Tag Archives: AMY WINEHOUSE

WHAT I LEARNED IN 2014


Every year – I review my top blog posts of the year just to give a recap of all that was important and funny to us each month….

I love doing this for two reasons – One is that I get to really take a look back at what resonated with my readers and two is that quite frankly I have amnesia – so it’s a nice way for me to remember what I did for twelve months…..

In January I learned that I am not the only one that is disturbed by what is considered “news” in this country.

This was one of my most popular posts of the year and 149 people commented on it!!  I noticed that the news that week was all about stuff that’s not news at all.

Included but not limited to a statement put out by the Sesame Street PR team saying that the Sesame Street residents were going to be making healthier choices in 2014.

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

 

The news reporting throughout the year didn’t get much better – but at least we had a good laugh about it….

In February I learned that I can’t just eat and drink with reckless abandon.

We had some snow days and I ended up milling about inside just eating and drinking.
I made a delectable French Onion soup in my crock pot and drank a vat of wine one weekend….

And then I looked in the mirror.

 

 

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes....

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes….

In March I learned that the “Common core is a piece of shit….

As Michael’s third grade math homework got more and more detail-oriented I lost interest completely.  Both kids were expected to show their work for each math question and math problems that took us 5 minutes in the 1980’s now take children hours to complete.

Sam especially got frustrated when he had to fill out a sheet of missing numbers in a pattern and write a sentence explaining how he knew which numbers were missing:

 

 

 

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

So many of you commented that you felt the same frustration as me and Sam and Michael – this warmed my heart.

 

In April I learned that if I fell ill – everyone would survive…

I could not get out of bed for a couple of days and life went on without me.  Mr. Gaga was very doting and helpful.  However the children wore the same clothes for days and survived on inappropriate food choices….

One night I could hear Mr. Gaga say “Sure – No problem!” after Sam requested chicken fingers, hot dogs and a cheeseburger for dinner…

"Caarrottss.." I squeaked out...."and just one entree." I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

“Caarrottss..” I squeaked out….”and just one entree.” I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

In May I learned that I miss Jane Fonda – and so do you….

I know that I eat too much and drink too much.

I know that I should be working out harder to burn off all of these calories – but I am sick and tired of all of this Crossfit and bootcamp bullshit – and I learned that many of you are too!! What happened to the good old days in the 1980’s when our mothers just power-walked and did Jane Fonda floor exercises and were skinny??

Why does our generation of women have to toss tires around and do these vile exercises called “burpees” to not be obese??

I usually just do

I usually just do step 1 and then step 5 and hope nobody noticed……

In June I learned that children can be evil....

When I abruptly had to drop what I was doing and bring Michael to school one morning with no makeup on – one of Sam’s classmates asked him why I had so many wrinkles.

The horror of that day has not worn off yet….

I mean I am pretty banged up - but not really that wrinkled per se......

I mean I am pretty banged up – but not really that wrinkled per se……

In July I learned that Hershey Park is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Being the great mother that I am – A friend and I took our kids to Hershey Park and were very disappointed.

The highlight of that trip was when a middle-aged woman came shooting out of a water slide tunnel missing her bathing suit bottoms while I waited patiently for my kids right in perfect view of her bits and pieces….

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened....

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened….

In August I learned that parents today have too much time on their hands.

I dread the end of summer and I vowed to not get pressured into anything that I don’t feel comfortable with during the 2014 start of school.

I included in my list of things I WILL NOT DO EVER – a crafty idea that some parents are doing which is decorate your child’s sandwich bag.

So instead of interacting with other children - kids will sit in the caf completing some maze that their dick-head parents made....

So the idea here is that instead of interacting with other children – kids will sit in the cafeteria completing some maze that their dick-head parents made….

In September I learned that even a 2 minute movie preview can wreak havoc on our quality of life….

When Warner Brothers decided to play the trailer to their movie Annabelle during the Today Show commercials – my children were traumatized for weeks.

We had just splurged and bought a new bed but I had no sleep because Michael was in my bed crying every night….

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

In October I learned that there are ways to avoid Ebola

Everyone was talking about Ebola in the fall and I was extra careful in my attempts to stay Ebola-free.  I shared some of my great ideas with all of you – so that we could all stay healthy and safe.

Especially during the Halloween season – it’s best to not consume any home-made items or loose candies that are not in a package….

If you get any of these "Ebola Balls" or loose candy corns .....throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

If you get any of these “Ebola Balls” or loose candy corns …..throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

In November I learned that the “Elf” creators are money-hungry bitches….

I just hate the Elf and it’s creators.  In November these greedy bitches took things a step too far by creating a “Birthday Elf.”  It’s not enough that we run around playing their reindeer games all of December – waking up in cold sweats each night realizing we forgot to hide the elf.

Now these people want us to buy the “Birthday Elf” so that the Elf can visit your child for his or her birthday to the tune of $19.99.

I find this highly offensive.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

In December I learned that I can use the “Elf” for good after all.….

In a cruel twist of fate when Mr. Gaga’s irresponsible behavior threatened to destroy Christmas, I relied on the Elf to save the day.  I used him to get an important message to Michael regarding a LEGO mixup at Santa’s workshop and it worked.

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

We survived Christmas without a divorce and the Elf is safely put away until next November.

I am so grateful to have had another full year of blogging under my belt and especially grateful to you all that keep tuning in to read each Sunday night or Monday morning….

THANKS FOR READING AND HERE’S TO A GREAT 2015!! xoxo, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!

tmb-728x90

 

Advertisements

Aging is a Bitch and so is Tina.


I have shared what a negligent mother I am in the mornings.

We usually wake up around 7:45.

The boys get dressed and do their hair, while I stumble around the kitchen, sans bra, throwing shit into their lunchboxes frantically.

They come down eat some cereal and then run back upstairs to brush their teeth. I sip coffee while they frantically come back down the stairs searching for shoes and backpacks.

The bus arrives at the end of our street at 8:05.

You can imagine that this schedule could get tricky.  One false move….

One fight over the hair gel, one missing shoe that cannot be found, one unsigned homework assignment, one discovery that there’s no bread or juiceboxes….and the whole thing falls apart.

Luckily, if we open our front door and the bus is pulling up to the bus stop, our bus driver, Rose, will always wait for Sam and Michael.  The kids will run for their lives down the street.

Since the last thing I ever want to do a mere twenty minutes after waking up is make small talk at the bus stop – I stopped going about a year ago.

I usually just watch them book down the street at warp speeds – make sure they get to the bus safely and go back inside.

I think a hundred yard dash is a healthy way to start the morning...

I think a hundred yard dash is a healthy way to start the morning…

 

Last week I bought Rose a gift card and the kids made her a card that said “Thank you for always waiting for us, you are a great bus driver!”

I placed the card on the table by the front door so we wouldn’t forget about it.

Monday morning I forgot to make sure the boys took the card.

Tuesday they remembered but Rose wasn’t driving the bus.

I called the bus company and they said they weren’t sure if Rose would be on the bus for the last two days of school, but they would be happy to forward the card to her if I mailed it to them.

The next morning, after the kids ran out the door I ran upstairs to get ready for work.  Although I usually watch them make it to the bus – it was the second to last day of school and I figured they would be fine.

I needed to get a head start on getting ready for work, as I was looking particularly hideous.  I had washed my hair the night before and it was in a wet frizzy bun on top of my head and my face was tired and puffy from allergies and black eye-makeup  was smudged around my eyes from the day before.

Nobody wants to see this first thing in the morning...

Nobody wants to see this first thing in the morning…

I needed extra time to blowdry my rat’s nest of hair and fix my mug.

I put on a work shirt and before I could strip off my yoga pants and take my hair  down, I heard Michael come back inside.

I peered down the stairs.

“It’s Rose!” he panted as he grabbed the card off of the table and ran back out the door.

Doubtful that Rose would actually wait this long for him, I peered out my bedroom window and watched Michael running down the street as the bus pulled away.  He kept running around the corner out of my view and I thought maybe she had stopped for him.

Two seconds later, he was walking down the street hysterically crying.

I ran outside. “What happened?”

“I told Sam to tell Rose to wait for me and he didn’t!” he yelled in between sobs. “I hate him – he’s the worst brother ever.”

“Ok well get in the car I will drive you to school.” I answered, standing on the front steps in my work shirt and yoga pants.

“I want to take the bus!” he wailed. “Quick try to catch the bus – maybe I can get on at the next stop!” he screeched.

I ran inside to put on some flip flops and quickly looked at myself and considered what I was about to do.

Nobody wants to see this first thing in the morning...

Nobody wants to see this first thing in the morning…

 

“But I won’t get out of the car,” I thought to myself and headed out to meet Michael in the car.  He was completely hysterical.  “When I find Sam I am going to beat him up!” he yelled from the back seat while I followed the bus route to no avail.

“I can’t catch the bus Michael – it’s not a big deal… I will bring you to school.  I am sure there’s a logical explanation for this.” I said peering back at his red face in the rearview mirror.

He was inconsolable.

“He’s the worst! I told him to tell her to wait for me and he just got on the bus and didn’t tell her to wait! I am going to find him and beat him up!” he wailed as I pulled into the school parking lot.

I had a real dilemma.

He was out of control.  What if he went and found Sam outside and they got in a fist fight?

I got out of the car.

“Now because of you – I have to get out of the car looking hideous.” I said between gritted teeth as I slammed the door shut.  “Let’s find Sam and figure out what happened.”

I threw my sunglasses on and ran through groups of chattering children towards the area where Sam’s class lined up.  Michael ran ahead of me.   As we got closer to Sam, Michael ran past and headed to his classroom.

I looked after him astonished. After all this he had apparently lost interest and I found myself standing alone in front of Sam’s class as they lined up outside the building.

“Hi Mom,” Sam waved smiling.

"What is wrong with you? Why didn't you tell Rose to wait for your brother?"

“What is wrong with you? Why didn’t you tell Rose to wait for your brother?”

“I forgot.” he shrugged.

I rolled my eyes under my dark glasses and turned and ran back to my car – praying that nobody would see me.

That afternoon when the kids got home I asked if they had resolved their differences.

“Oh yeah – it’s fine.” they answered nonchalantly.

“Oh great – after I had to go out in public looking like a lunatic.” I answered.

“Oh yeah,” Sam answered with a grimace.

“What? Why are you making that face?” I demanded.

He looked up at me with a pleading look on his face, “I don’t want to tell you…” he squeaked.

“Saammm….” I said slowly.

“I really don’t know how to tell you this….” he said quietly.

“Tell me now.”

“Well – do you know when you came up to my class line?” he said slowly.

“Yeesss…” I answered impatiently.

“Well when you left – this girl Tina in my class said to me “Wow – why does your mom have so many wrinkles?”

After they woke me up I went fucking ballistic.

After they woke me up I went fucking ballistic.

“Who said it Sam? Who is she?” I screeched.

“Tina Roode.” he answered gravely.

“No really  – What’s her real last name?” I demanded of him.

“It’s really Roode! and she’s rude!” he answered matter-of-factly. “And I told her, ‘Don’t ever talk to me again’ and then I ignored her.”

“But she just kept talking about your wrinkles all day.” he sighed.

“What the hell did she say?” I yelled.

“She just kept saying,” Your mom has wrinkles, your mom has wrinkles.” he said with exasperation.

“Sam – so help me God – you better never talk to this girl for the rest of your life. I don’t care if you are a senior in highschool – you better never NEVER!! have any interactions with her.  She is a very rude, troubled little girl and she has messed with the wrong person!!” I screamed as he looked at me like a deer in headlights.

I was beside myself.

I ran to the mirror and tried to imagine how I would look to a 6 year-old.

I mean I am pretty banged up - but not really that wrinkled per se......

I mean I am pretty banged up – but not really that wrinkled per se……

“I need Botox – this is horrible I am an ugly person.” I said to myself in the mirror.

“No mom you are very pretty.” Michael and Sam pleaded with me – their faces ridden with worry as their mother crumbled before their very eyes.

“Well except in the morning…” Sam said matter-of-factly.

I turned quickly and stared him down.

“No….he means because – you know ….you forget to wear bras.” Michael interjected to save Sam.

I laughed. “Well that’s true.”

I called Mr. Gaga at work and told him the story.

“Can you believe this fucking bitch?” I said venomously.

“So you are calling me at work to tell me that you have a war with a 6-year-old?” he answered impatiently.

“Are you not fazed that these children are fucking evil??” I asked in despair.

“I can tell you right now who’s mother’s looked like shit when I was in first grade and I would NEVER say it aloud when I was a child!!  What kind of horrible person would say such a thing?” I rattled on.

“I don’t know…” Mr. Gaga answered robotically.

“Well let me tell you – Sam is very attractive and there will come a day when this bitch will want to have sex with him and I am going to be sure that I shut it down real fast…” I said hysterically.

“Um – I have to go.” Mr. Gaga answered with disgust.

I hung up.

How dare a first grader make fun of a classmates mother to his face? Are children this troubled? How does a 6-year-old girl even know that calling someone “wrinkled” is the worst insult she could ever say?

I guess we can forget any hope of innocent sweet children after age 3 around here.

The Gaga’s need a ten week break from the evil and demented children of Goopville.

That last day of school could not come fast enough.

The irony is not lost on me that this all happened because the bus driver didn’t wait for Michael when he was simply trying to give her a card that said “Thanks for always waiting for me.”

It’s time for some sun and to spend time with people who won’t hurl insults at me or my children.

Does anyone know where I can find people like that????

HAPPY SUMMER!!!!

AFTER BEING VERBALLY ASSAULTED BY A FIRST GRADER I DESERVE A CLICK OF THE BANNER BELOW!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

tmb-728x90

 

%d bloggers like this: