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Tag Archives: 50 Shades of Grey

Teaching kids about Bruce Jenner

The Gaga household is a fairly open household.  I really don’t keep much to myself in general (your welcome  – blog enjoyers) and at home I am a pretty open book.  If I feel like talking to someone and only the kids are home  if I am watching something inappropriate with the children the kids ask me something randomly – I try to give an open and honest answer.

Mr. Gaga usually rolls his eyes at me or shakes his head when I say something he deems inappropriate.

But on Friday night when he rolled in and Sam said “Hi Dad – are you going to watch the show with us tonight about the guy that’s cutting off his peep?”  he was not amused.

“Really?” he glared at me as I making myself comfortable to watch the Bruce Jenner interview with Diane Sawyer.

“What?! They aren’t watching – but they asked!” I answered innocently.

Quite frankly I don't think I even understand what's happening -but I did my best to explain this....

Quite frankly I don’t think I even understand what’s happening -but I did my best to explain this….

“You don’t have to tell them everything,” Mr. Gaga sighed, “Let them be innocent – they don’t have to know about this.”

Okay, he’s probably right – but….

Before you start judging me for randomly telling my innocent children about Bruce Jenner – let’s back up a bit.

We watch the Today Show every morning before school.

Even if it’s for 10 minutes – we get a few headlines, we get the weather update and we might get a human interest story out of Carson Daly.

To me it seems like a normal morning program to put on for families.  They have a dog on set, they talk about the world, they sometimes have concerts on the plaza.

When we go into the city, my kids actually enjoy standing outside of the Today Show windows like tourists from Mississippi because the Today Show staff is part of our life.



Lately…probably for ratings – they can be a little bit much.

This week we experienced a new story every morning about a small child who wanted to be “transgender” and who’s parents were supportive of said child’s choice.

Oh did I mention that these children were sometimes 4?

Oh yes ….

According to the Today Show - this child was born a girl named Mia - but by age 4!!!! Her parents let her transition into a boy named Jacob.

According to the Today Show – this child was born a girl named Mia – but by age 4!!!! Her parents let her transition into a boy named Jacob.

Every day was new story of superstar parents that embraced and supported their confused children.  Each day included some sort of promo or reference to Bruce Jenner.

The first couple of days – my children barely ate breakfast because they were in complete shock.

"Sit down and eat!" I scream every morning since the transgender stories started.

“Sit down and eat!” I scream every morning since the transgender stories started.

The third morning – Sam was sleepily pouring his Cinnamon Toast Crunch and Matt Lauer came on teasing his interview with Kim Kardashian talking about Bruce Jenner’s transformation, and he said “Ugh, all anyone cares about is transgenders!”

“I mean – how will he become a girl anyways?” Sam asked at 7:15 AM on Thursday.

“Well, he will dress like a woman and wear makeup…..and ask a doctor to chop off his peep.” I answered matter-of-factly while I sipped my coffee.

Ok - maybe that was a bit much for our breakfast discussion....

Ok – maybe that was a bit much for our breakfast discussion….

But what are we supposed to say when the Today Show brings up such topics????

“Well maybe the Today Show isn’t for small children?” Mr. Gaga suggested when I pleaded my case.

“Well I watched the Today Show every morning for my whole life!” I exclaimed.

“Well that explains a lot.” he answered.

“What do you mean? It was Jane Pauly and Bryant Gumbel and we watched every morning before school, didn’t you?”

“No. We didn’t watch television before school.” he answered with judgement in his eyes.

“But if we don’t watch how will we know the weather?” I answered with exasperation.

“Well, when we woke up my Dad just told us what the weather was.” he answered smugly.

“Well how did he know? Was he a meteorologist?” I inquired.

“No – I guess he just looked out the window.” he shrugged.

Well that's just fucking stupid - your Dad doesn't know more than AL ROKER!!!!

Well that’s just fucking stupid – your Dad doesn’t know more than AL ROKER!!!!

“Well we can’t live like that!! We need to watch the weather in the morning!!!” I explained.

“How are we expected to know what to wear?”

Mr. Gaga did his famous shrug of dismissal.

Later the topic came up again. “Um Mom – when transgenders want to be a lady then they need boobs….” Sam said smartly, “So how do they get boobs?”

“Um – they take a medicine that helps to grow them,” I answered like a smart adult.

“Like – there’s boob pills?” he asked bursting into laughter.

“Yes,” I answered like a smart adult, “Boob pills.”

I mean at a certain point there’s no appropriate answer. Should we educate our children on the facts?

Apparently this is becoming mainstream stuff!

Mr. Gaga says no.

I say yes.

And today after this whole week of transgender focus was over with – Sam asked Mr. Gaga to have a catch.  At a certain point during the catch – it seemed like Sam was losing interest,

Mr. Gaga yelled across the yard – “Sam -if you don’t want to catch the ball any more – you can just go inside and color,” to be a smart Alec and and torture my child,

Sam also being a smart Alec retorted – “Oh well I like coloring rainbows.”

Mr. Gaga said, “You know you else likes coloring rainbows?”

“No – who?” Sam asked innocently while he threw the ball.

“Bruce Jenner.”  Mr. Gaga said as he caught the ball.





Top Ways for Moms to Prevent Ebola in their Family

Let’s face it – we need to take this Ebola outbreak seriously.

It’s in NYC for God sakes…the ways this can spread are endless.

As a mother I have especially been noticing some precarious situations that we put ourselves in that could potentially find us in the local Ebola Ward.

I want to share – so we can all be a little more careful:




Or the Thomas the Train table or any table that small children crowd around and touch and lick various objects on said table.  I remember when Michael and Sam were little every single time they even looked at one of those tables at the book store or library they would instantly come down with croup, “hand foot and mouth disease” or a stomach bug.

Apparently Ebola makes the stomach bug look like a walk in the park.

So apparently you will be bleeding from the inside and the outside while simultaneously vomiting and having diarhea....

So apparently you will be bleeding from the inside and the outside while simultaneously vomiting and having diarrhea and the hiccups – think about that before you let your kid reach for that Lego.


I am a big fan of the staycation – which many people fault me for.  People think that being well-traveled is important. People think it is very important to see the world and learn about other cultures and lands.

They feel it necessary to pack up their belongings into little teeny vials that are deemed acceptable by the TSA, get groped and endure cavity searches and whatever else it takes to get onto the plane, and then sit in an enclosed space that could potentially be filled with SARS, Bird Flu, Stomach Bug, and now EBOLA.

Jet-setters seem to believe that traveling to their various destinations and their adventures around the world are very important.

Do you know what I think is important?

Not bleeding from my eyeballs.

Stay home people.


This is where both housewives and working mothers across the nation will rejoice!!

If you are both working outside of the home, did you ever think that you or your husband could be contracting Ebola on business travels?  Did you ever think that if you are out in the world working and interacting with people, touching filthy desks and computers and trains that you could be contracting Ebola yourself?

What if you are a stay-at-home mom?  Are you taking the children out to filthy grocery stores and touching slimy germ-infested grocery carts?  Are you paying for things via credit or debit and touching the virus filled key pad on the credit card swiper thingy??  Or are you paying with cash that was just yesterday in someone else’s wallet or pocket or bra??

These scenarios are endless and because the best way to contract Ebola is through bodily fluids, I think it is an obvious choice when I say – It’s best to not have sex with your husband until this whole thing dies down.

I know a few of you  one person  zero women  many of you will be devastated by this!!!

But I have learned over time that women in America are very resourceful when it comes to this matter.  We saw that first hand with the widespread enjoyment of FIFTY SHADES OF GREY and the sexual fulfillment that you all were able to supply to yourself, minus your husband.

Bullet users rejoice!


Speaking of weird fantasies – I never understood everyone’s fascination with zombies and vampires.

Apparently if you are going to have a crush on someone – this is finally when your bizarre obsession with a zombie will finally seem appropriate – because since they are already dead – I am fairly certain they cannot get or spread Ebola!!

Also this vampire obsession that women have between True Blood and the Twilight series finally makes sense!!

Once you determine his eyeballs are not bleeding from the Ebola virus and that he actually cannot be killed - he does seem pretty sexy!!

Once you determine his eyeballs are not bleeding from the Ebola virus and that he actually cannot be killed – he does seem pretty sexy!!



All the sticking hands into dirty bowls of candy and trying on each other’s sweaty masks and hats that are filled with steamy breathe and snots…..It’s enough to just hide inside in a HAZMAT suit.

The children have to be able to enjoy the Halloween traditions somewhat but definitely skip “bobbing for apples” and the “donut on a string” game we played at Michael’s party was a recipe for disaster now that I look back on it.

Regular trick-or-treating can be fine – as long as you go through the candy.  Be sure to throw out anything that looks as though it could have been homemade or that someone packaged themselves!!

If you get any of these "Ebola Balls" or loose candy corns .....throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

If you get any of these “Ebola Balls” or loose candy corns …..throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!



I thought of this today as I brought my children to the pumpkin patch and let them enjoy the “corn pit.” 

Ordinarily we enjoy the corn pit - but today all I could think of was the potential for us all to die.

Ordinarily we enjoy the corn pit – but today all I could think of was the potential for us all to die.

It’s obvious to me and most individuals that enjoy their health and wellness that one should stay away from pits of doom and despair that you would find at McDonald’s and Chuck E. Cheese.  The same goes for slimy bounce houses that besides potentially blowing away at any minute – are also filled with Ebola and Ebola-like viruses.

However, many mothers willingly bring their children to these filthy disgusting establishments.  When you go to Chuck E. Cheese or bouncy house facilities just know that they are filled to the brim with sweating, screaming rotten children that are bleeding from their eyeballs  that could potentially have a serious illness!!

Please remember that Ebola can fester in your body for up to 21 days before symptoms appear.

Think of that the next time you toss your kids into something like this:




It’s not worth it.  These hospitals are just filled with diseases and Ebola-filled healthcare workers.

Whatever illness you think you have – (as long as you are sure it’s not Ebola of course) stay away from the hospital.

This is a place that used to be where you could safely go to be cured of ailments – now it has become a place filled with germ spreading.  You could go in with a papercut and come out with a fatal illness.

Take Airborne everyday and if you start to develop any respiratory issues just start chugging Robitussin.

Stomach issues? Take Pepto Bismal and Tums.

Most allergic reactions can be cured with Benadryl.

Migraine? Take some Advil and go to bed.

You broke your leg?  Eat boron tablets.

There’s a natural remedy for everything.

Your giving birth??  Grab your yoga mat and bring it to the nearest stream and squat.

Even though I have made fun of home births in the past – I think now I have to eat my words.

I think it is actually probably safer at this point to give birth on a rock somewhere.


Now this woman is clearly insane - but she might not be as dumb as she looks.  She surely won't catch ebola in a swamp filled with rocks.

Now this woman is clearly insane – but she might not be as dumb as she looks.                                                       She surely won’t catch Ebola in a swamp filled with rocks.


I hope this helps.

Maybe if we all think twice before we do germ-spreading activities we will be safe and healthy.



Pregos Say the Darndest things….

I have had a few youngsters around me lately that are pregnant for the first time.

They just are so innocent and cute with their hopeful and sweet love for their unborn child.

They are so clueless as to what is about to happen to their life so they say some hilarious shit.

Sometimes I correct them.

Sometimes I just don’t say anything and nod my head in agreement.

Sometimes I just have a little laugh at their expense.


And sometimes I just cannot believe how little they know…..

So I laugh maniacally:


But just remember Pregos!! While I might laugh at you and your Bugaboo strollers and your “Gender Reveal Parties” and your all-over dazed and confused stares – I ALWAYS warn you!!!!

Now here’s my Top 5 Hilarious things that Pregnant people say:

#1 – “I’m only crying because I am hormonal – I will be better once I have the baby.”


That’s not accurate at all.

Think about the tears that you have shed over the course of the nine and half months of pregnancy.

Multiply that number of tears by 500 and smoosh all of that water into about 6 months.

That’s what lies ahead – my pregnant little angels.

Your hormones are still crazy after you have the baby and you can add to that the smell of poop, bloody engorged boobs, a fat stomach that has no baby in it, shrill screaming in the middle of the night and a nightly average of 5 hours of sleep.

The crying will continue and it will be deep sobbing to the depths of your soul.  Be ready for it.

#2 – “I only hate my husband right now because I am pregnant and hormonal, I will love him again after I have the baby.”


The hatred will become much worse.

Before you got pregnant – you likely would look over at your husband in bed and see this:

david beckham

So you are probably unaccustomed to any bad feelings towards your significant other…

But be warned that as soon as you give birth – when you look over in bed at your husband you will now see the same exact human being – but instead of looking like David Beckham – all you will see is this:


You will quickly assume the role of the mother which will include but not be limited to: caring for the child’s eating and burping needs, caring for the child’s private parts with various ointments, wipes and gauze strips, caring for the child’s comfort and sleeping needs, swaddling and clothing the child, among other household duties and entertaining and being nice to visitors.

During all of this you will look over at your husband who at one point you may of thought of as your knight in shining armor and you will see a stupid, useless, vapid creature who you want to murder in the night.  You will consider different ways you can murder him.  You will be up at night breastfeeding and you will see him drooling into his pillow and you will want to smother him.

You won’t do it.

In time you will probably like him again.

But please know that the hatred is far from over.

#3 – “I am going to breastfeed so I can lose weight.”

I mean apparently this can in fact work for Gisele and other women who are good at starving themselves to death.  Your body burns like 5000 calories via breastfeeding so your hunger becomes worse than ever.  In addition, you need to be sure to eat and drink certain things to create superior breastmilk – so it’s quite difficult to have breastfeeding take the place of Weight Watchers.

Breastfeeding is impossible as it is.  Breastfeeding AND starving yourself???  Don’t set yourself up for failure.

#4 – “I need a wipe warmer because I don’t want my baby’s butt to get cold!”

I mean – there are those that have said that I am a horrible person and mother -so maybe that’s why I never felt this maternal instinct to protect my children’s buttocks from mysterious winds indoors.

When children are screaming and crying and covered with piss and diarhea and it’s 3 AM – I never really gave two flying shits about the windchill near their assholes.

The rest of their life they will be sitting down on cold toilet seats.

I think it best that they learn about the harsh realities of life right from the get-go.

When your ass is out of it’s diaper, cold winds blow by and might cause a chill on your anus.

Isn’t that what life’s all about?

#5 – I heard that breastfeeding hurts…is that true?”

Um… I think the word “hurt” is an insult to breastfeeders across the land.

I don’t know, imagine taking your boob and touching the sun with it….


Then imagine immediately going back to earth, lying down in the street and sticking your boob on the pavement and a yellow schoolbus, filled with tons of rotten children, drives over your boob…..

boob bus

and then imagine you sit up quickly and someone at that very moment shoots a gun and the bullet goes right through your nipple.


That’s basically what it feels like.

Then like 40 minutes later – you have to do that whole thing over again.

It doesn’t just hurt.  It’s a searing pain that goes into the innermost layers of your being and for like 20 seconds you think you might actually die.  But once the baby latches on – it’s totally fine!  You will totally love it!

The important thing is to stay positive!!!

One day you will look back at all of this and laugh!!!





Everyone is blogging about what they are thankful for…

I drove by two men riding their bikes in the middle of the road as though they were driving Range Rovers instead of ten-speed bikes today.  Whenever this happens I honk my horn and give them a finger while loudly screaming out the window “YOU ARE NOT A CAR!!! STOP PRETENDING YOU ARE A FUCKING CAR!!”

If it's girls on the bikes I yell "Get out of my way you fucking whores!!" But only if the kids aren't with me.

If it’s girls on the bikes I yell “Get out of my way you fucking whores!!” But only if the kids aren’t with me.

After that – it got me thinking…I think it’s high time someone blogged about what they are NOT thankful for…and who better to do it than Lady Goo Goo Gaga?


1 – See above about the people on the bikes…

2 -People that announce what they are thankful for: 

To me these people belong in the same category as the “blessed” people.  We know you are thankful and blessed.  We know that you have a great life..a great hubby…your cat is super awesome, you’re super awesome and your kids are on the honor roll, are black belts in karate and speak Japanese….

We don’t care.  Keep your blessings and thankfulness to yourself.

3 – People who live in the Northeast yet continually feel compelled to discuss the weather:

Ok, here’s the deal, if you live in Connecticut or anywhere in the Northeast portion of the country – I am fairly certain this isn’t your first rodeo.  You know that after Halloween things are pretty much all downhill in the weather department.

You also knowingly have made an educated choice to live here for some reason.  You received information at some point in your life about the four seasons, you have seen weathermen with yardsticks measuring several feet of snow and for some unthinkable reason at some point in your life you said to yourself, “I think I am going to reside in Connecticut!!”

So after all of that, please explain to me why on earth you insist on waking up everyday, putting on a puff jacket, and a hat and gloves and to every human being you see, you exclaim “Can you believe how cold it is? I can’t believe it!!!”

Why can’t you believe it?  Why not? You knew this would happen….you knew!!!  Please don’t wake up everyday from October to May and pretend you are shocked and surprised about what’s happening.

 4- People who read and enjoy 50 Shades of Grey:

I might be beating a dead “anal bead” with this one but I just cannot get over it.  Just the other day someone mentioned it and said she was thinking about reading it and I got angry all over again.  I just am not thankful for this book or for the author.  She has done women and readers across the land a huge disservice.

5 – People who can’t drive when the sun is setting:

I drive a lot for work.  I value my time and am usually already pretty annoyed that I am spending a lot of time on the road.  There are inevitably accidents, construction and other disturbances that can cause traffic jams.

Often there will be a huge backup of cars and my commute will be extended by 45 minutes to an hour.  I will honk my horn and curse and smash my head on the steering wheel…sometimes I cry.

When this happens, it only makes it so much worse to find out that it is all because the sun is setting.


Did you ever hear the phrase “Driving off into the sunset?”  Ok it’s a phrase that we are familiar with because PEOPLE DO IT ALL THE TIME! THEY DRIVE INTO the SUNSET.

Oh and do you know above your head there’s a little flap that you can fold down?



I cannot even begin to tell you how furious I become when this happens….not thankful for people who don’t have sunglasses…..not thankful at all.

6 – Moustaches:

I know that recently some clever person has fooled us all into thinking that moustaches are cool and trendy, but let’s be real. Nothing good has ever come from having a moustache.

Trust me as someone who has one…they are not fun or cute.  They are not trendy or clever or cool.

They are nothing but a nuisance.  To top things off it’s MOVEMBER – so Mr. Gaga is sporting a pretty nasty looking stache’ to raise money for prostate cancer and it’s just gross.  Who could argue the case to say that moustaches are cool??

This morning there were actual eggs stuck in Mr. Gaga’s moustache….I think that’s all that really needs to be said.



I mean how did this even start??

And for the love of God ….when will it end?


7 – The Kardashians

It’s enough.  I was all for watching their reality show 18 years ago when it all started….

Enough is enough.

Now we have to be subjected to looking at Kim and her huge ass trotting around with Kanye West every two seconds, Khloe chasing around Lamar in various crystal meth dens in L.A. and (in the latest instance of Kris Jenner selling her child down the river) little Kendall Jenner showing her boobs on Instagram.


These people give me the kreeps!!!

When will this kalamity kome to a klose?

8 – Santa Ruiners:

This time of year we have to be on our toes.  There are many people in town who seem determined to scream from the rooftops that there is no Santa.

Of course there was the infamous woman in my mom’s group many years ago that wanted to inform her two- year-old that Santa didn’t exist.

And then there’s just dumb kids whose parents don’t instruct them to not talk about Santa inappropriately at school.

Then there’s dumb kids that literally just don’t know any better.

My son recently gave a pencil to each kid in his class because we had about 500 pencils in the kitchen drawer(remind me to blog about pencils another day by the way.)

He came home and told me that a little girl came up to him and held her pencil out with disgust.  She apparently didn’t like the pencil because she wasn’t familiar with the cartoon character on it.

“Who’s this?” she asked with disgust.



I get it…you don’t celebrate Christmas but really?? You don’t know who this guy is?

Have you entered a mall of any kind between November to January?

Have you watched the Macy’s Day Parade or Home Alone?

Do you see people with white beards and red hats everywhere??

What do you mean “Who’s this?”

9 – Stores that are open on Thanksgiving:

What has this world come to?

The American tradition is to eat as much food as is humanly possible.  When you are about to burst, take a nap.

Wake up from your nap.

Eat more.

Eat dessert…..for the second time that day.

Go back to bed.

Wake up early in the morning.  Drive to nearest Best Buy, Walmart or Target.  Trample as many human beings as it takes to get to the largest, widest screen television you can find.  Purchase said television along with some toys, an Ipad, an Ipod, a kindle and an XBox.

Go home, eat leftovers and take a nap.

I’m sorry – I just don’t know why we would mess with a perfectly good system.

These people seem perfectly happy shopping on Friday...I don't see why we need to change anything.

These people seem perfectly happy shopping on Friday…I don’t see why we need to change anything.

10 – People who write me hate mail:

Especially those of you who are going to send me messages and comments this week about what a horrible person I am and how I should be thankful and happy and blessed and blah blah blah.

I’m thankful for many things….it’s just that….

That’s not funny.


Leaning out

Everyone is all abuzz about the latest book from one of America’s top female executives.

Sheryl Sandberg has published a book titled “Lean In,” outlining out women can succeed in today’s world, and how they can avoid holding themselves back.


“Oh look at me..I am so happy and perfect. I am not afraid of success like all of you losers…Oh and I wear all white clothing and never get stains on them….”

She suggests that many women fear if they climb too high at the office then they won’t have enough time for their children.

She offers ways to get over that and “lean in” towards your career goals instead of “pushing away” from success in order to care for the children that you chose to bring into this world.

Well Sheryl…I am leaning out.

The only thing "leaning" around here is this stack of dirty laundry...and no this is not a's my real life on Sunday mornings.

The only thing “leaning” around here is this stack of dirty laundry…and no this is not a reenactment…it’s my real life on Sunday mornings.

I am sure that she hasn’t become one of Fortune’s list of the 50 Most Powerful Women in Business and as one of Time’s 100 Most Influential People in the World, by sitting around joining playgroups and making fun of Kim Kardashian on her blog…but still.

These women crack me up.  She says that when we stop being afraid of success we can “pursue our goals with gusto!”

The only thing I am doing with “gusto” around here is drinking and consuming carbs.  Is it not enough that you are a gazillionaire Sheryl?  Do you have to rub our noses in it? Do you have to tell us that it is within our reach to be successful but it’s our own stupid faults for being afraid of success?

I am not afraid of success…I wish I was successful.  I wish I could be writing this from Lisa Vanderplump’s mansion in Beverly Hill right now.  That would be totally awesome.  What I am afraid of is raising two monsters who will grow up being cared for by a series of nannies and after-school programs to be fat, disrespectful, idiots with no family values.

I have mentioned that I sell push-up bras part-time.”  That 20 hours of menial work has taken me away from conferences, games and having dinner with my family many times.  If my little job takes up my time, let’s try to imagine all the time that it takes for Sheryl to be a COO of a Fortune 500 company.

Let’s face facts, there’s no way that Sheryl is interacting regularly or (dare I say), as much as she should with her children, and she states in the book that she herself has grappled with guilt and concern for her children.

Her message is push that guilt and worry aside and reach for the gold! You can do it women!!

Great Sheryl – now you are even making the women who are working feel bad.  Can’t you just enjoy the view from your spacious Facebook office and your Louboutin and white sweater collection and leave us alone?

Look at my "leaning" tower of magazines that I haven't gotten to yet....(and yes instead of learning his alphabet enjoys drawing moustaches on what?)

Oh Sheryl speaking of “leaning”….look at my “leaning” tower of magazines that I haven’t gotten to yet….(and yes instead of learning his alphabet Sam enjoys drawing moustaches on models…so what?)

I have chosen to bring these two boys to life and I feel it’s my responsiblity to be with them as much as I can.  I have to say Sheryl say she does not look down upon stay-at-home parents, she just secretly thinks we are all big fat losers.

I would love nothing more than to go full-steam ahead with my push-up bra career, but to what end?  We have to be real – when you choose to “lean in” and focus so intently on career, who are leaving something or someone behind.  That is just fact.

Who is watching this woman’s children? Who is tucking them in at night? Who is getting them off of the bus or watching their soccer game?  If  hired help or even a husband is doing all of that, then that is a very conscious decision that one must make as a mother.

Oh Sheryl, look at these leaning you think they are just going to replace themselves??

Oh and Sheryl, look at these leaning condiments…do you think they are just going to replace themselves??

Sheryl says on her blog, “Together, we can create a world where everyone—women and men, girls and boys—has true choice and equal opportunity to follow his or her dreams.”

She seems very nice and positive, but this is simply not true.

I have said many times that Mr. Gaga is extremely supportive, very helpful with the children and the household chores, and is possibly one of the most patient and loving men I know.   Yet none of that takes any weight off my shoulders.  Simply because he is not a mom, he will never be a mom and that is innately the trouble with this whole debate.

We will never be equal.  Men and women are inherently different and always will be.  Maybe we would feel better if we could accept that a little bit, take off our power suits and just know that there are no answers to having it all and there never will be.

For my purposes, I am decidedly “leaning out.”  With no real Fortune magazine-worthy career to escape to….I am here for the better part of Sam and Michael’s childhood wallowing in guilt and self-pity just as much as all of the working moms are for different reasons.

This was the last time I "leaned in" for something. I was trying to listen to the weather report to be sure I heard correctly that my kids would have their 10th day off from school due to snow.

This is me “leaning in” to make sure I am hearing correctly all of the insane bullshit that mothers say aloud in this town on a regular basis….

I asked a friend (who appears to juggle 3 children’s busy activities, a household and a career with “gusto.”) if she was happy with her life.

Her answer was very interesting to me.  She thought about it and went on to list some concerns, stuff she worries about and some parenting she thinks could use improvement on.  She stopped to think about other moms she knew that seemed to be “doing it all.”

She said , “You know now that I think about it I can’t think of one mother I know that would answer that question by saying, ‘Yes, I think I am doing a great job.”

Isn’t that sad? Isn’t it the crux of everything? That we will never be fulfilled either way?

And do people have to keep writing books and talking about it in circles?


Can’t I just watch Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and eat 500 Cadbury mini eggs in peace?

Now off she goes to sell 80 million books and rake in some more dough because basically we are so desperate for answers we will read anything.


You know things are bad when I miss “50 Shades of Gray.”



Eff the Presidents it’s my birthday!!

I mean is it really necessary to not have school or mail because about 800 years ago someone was born that later became president?

Am I trivializing this too much?

It seems a little dramatic.

Does the bank really have to be closed for this occasion?

I say we update things a bit…maybe reevaluate who has done some important stuff lately – and maybe shut down the entire world for their birthday?

Call me crazy – but I think some people have done some amazing things since the 1800’s.  Did the birthday committee lose steam or something? What about even Henry Ford or Thomas Edison, I think we would be in a bit of trouble without those two guys.

I would even be down with a Steve Jobs birthday day off or a “Guy who invented the DVR” birthday celebration… It just seems to me that we are overlooking a lot of birthdays.  I am just throwing that out there.

Anyhoo….while everyone is super excited to be celebrating someone’s birthday who would be 281 years old today, do you know who else’s birthday it is?


Yes – Lady goo goo gaga is now 2!

You know how I despise people who announce that they are “blessed” in various inappropriate public forums?

Well….you heard it here first people.  I feel blessed to have people who tune in to read my words each week.  Two years is a long time to stick by me and listen to me complain and talk shit about motherhood, and I appreciate it.

I am going to take this opportunity to thank some people without which I would have no blog…because basically I would have no material.

First and foremost, thank you people at my bus stop.  You have all never failed for the past 7 years at doing your very best to be white trash assholes at the ungodly hours of the morning.  I especially want to thank the new addition, a dad who comes every morning and shaves his face on the sidewalk with a Norelco electric razor.  As if the mornings aren’t bad enough, why do I have to watch and LISTEN to your mangrooming?  How would you like it if I started doing my bikini wax at the bus stop? Oh by the way, you will be finding out as soon as the snow melts.

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

This is how I will be waiting for the bus come the spring….except I will be ripping hot wax from my bikini line…how does that sound Norelco guy?

Secondly, thank you Catholic church.   You never cease to amaze me.  This past week I took Michael to get ashes on Ash Wednesday.  Your cult-like tendencies and bizarre rules, which for example, meant that I had to walk around with a big patch of dirt on my face all day never disappoint.   When the Pope looks around and says “I’m too old for this shit,” we might need to take a closer look.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday...I am so fucking out of here.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday…I am so fucking out of here.

Thirdly, I would like to thank Hollywood moms and wives.  I am so lucky to have a glimpse into the lives of celebrity via my “Stars their just like us,” page of my US Weekly magazine.  Without this, I would never have had the pleasure of being able to address some of my concerns to Kim Kardashian, and Alicia Silverstone, and warn Beyonce about the perils of having a baby.

Maybe for your next single, "Married Ladies" - you can say "If you like it - put a Nuva Ring in it"......

Maybe for your next single, “Married Ladies” – you can say “If you like it – put a Nuva Ring in it”……

Next, Mr. Gaga, where would I be without him? I am so lucky to always have his support and understanding when I disappear on Sunday nights to blog.  Even though I heard him once asking the person at the bank if they accept “LOL’s” as mortgage payment, I know that he secretly likes this little blog.

He understands me.  He understands that I am not the best house cleaner, and that sometimes I struggle with being a stay-at-home mom.  He knows that even when it seems like I have all day to accomplish things, I might get side-tracked and not get to my weekly moustache waxing, and he still loves me.

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today......

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today……

Also, he inspires me.  When you live with someone who repeatedly looks at you with a straight face and says “That’s not funny,” it makes you try a little harder. It makes you want to go that extra mile and call a small child a twat. Thank you Mr. Gaga.

I could never forget to thank Chuck E. Cheese, for being one of the absolute most vile and appalling environments where human beings congregate.  I have been so disturbed by this establishment that I have blogged three times with fresh material about this hell on earth.

Thank you State of Connecticut.  If I wasn’t continually tortured by snowstorms and hurricanes I wonder if I would be more pleasant.  I wonder if I didn’t have to continually have no power or plowed roads if I might not be so inclined to call the people at my bus stop douchebags or curse out the people at Pottery Barn.    I imagine a world where Lady Goo Goo Gaga is content and happy as one that would be quite boring and not blogworthy.

And finally, thank you mothers of today.

Thank you for being absurd, overprotective morons.

Thank you for making your kids’ sandwich in the shape of a daisy, thank you for not combing your child’s hair because it might hurt,  thank you for sitting home reading 50 Shades of Gray and considering it a good read, thank you for eating your own placenta and chewing your baby’s food for him and spitting it into his mouth, thank you for letting your son’s cry during the baseball game because they struck out, and thank you for tricking me into coming to your house for a playdate when I hate you and your child.  Without all of you, I would have nothing to say each week.

Keep it coming people….don’t let me down.




The truth will set us free!!

Everyone is just spilling every bean they own lately.

First Al Roker decided to bust the news, years after the fact, that he pooped his pants at the White House during a press conference.

I am sorry – but why are you telling us this Al?  This little bout with telling the truth – falls into the category of TMI for me.

In a cruel twist of fate, Al also shit in this gingerbread man costume and was found out by this dog....

In a cruel twist of fate, Al also took a huge dump in this gingerbread man costume and was found out by a dog….

Sometimes it is good to tell the truth. Sometimes one lie leads to another which leads to another and before you know it your life and other people’s lives are  destroyed.

I guess Lance Armstrong missed the episode when Oprah single-handedly annihilated James Frey’s career.  She basically verbally castrated him for lying about his book “A Million Little Pieces,” being a memoir; because she was horrified that someone had LIED to her on her show!!  (P.S. – Thanks Oprah for that – now we are stuck with publishing gems like 50 Shades of Gray.)

Because he probably hadn’t seen much of the Oprah Show, and wasn’t familiar with her smug questioning and holier than thou attitude towards LIARS, he was surely uncomfortable once this little interview began.

Lance made the ill-fated decision to spread out the words “I cheated” into 2 hours of action-packed questioning from Oprah Winfrey.


Now who benefits from this besides Oprah?  Probably nobody – but Al and Lance just needed to get something off their chests.

It just feels better when you come clean.

I am a big fan of being honest…..maybe TOO honest for some people’s tastes…

What on earth is the point of lying all the time?

You know who lies way more than Lance Armstrong?


For some reason, mothers feel compelled to tell other mothers lies.

Constant, constant lies.

We need to stop the nonsense.

Do we want to end up getting caught up in a web of lies and land ourselves on national television talking about how we shit ourselves?


Then it needs to stop.


1-“Oh my God, I am running late because I was trying to finish up a project and lost track of time!”

Stay at home moms are notorious for pretending they are doing lots of all-important stuff when in fact they are watching television, blogging and taking a nap.  We all have days where we take it easy.  Own it.  Don’t come running to the bus stop late talking about what a busy day you’ve had….I can see the sheet lines on your cheek.

2 – “I eat so much! The weight just came off because I breastfed!”

Look, Heidi Klum, (you know…the Victoria’s Secret runway model) said that she starved herself to be able to go back to modeling shortly after giving birth.  She said it was extremely difficult and that she literally felt like she was going to die.  Please don’t tell me that you eat all the time when in fact you drink hot water with lemon for dinner and juice for breakfast and lunch….it’s insulting.

3 –“I love babies!”

What? What do you love about them? Their smell, ok, their soft skin, ok, their cute little fingers and toes, ok….Then what?

Do you love their puke and their runny poops? So, do you love when the runny poop goes up their back and you have to peel poop clothes off of them and wash more laundry and give the baby a bath?

Do you love their blood-curdling screams waking you up in the night?

I’m not buying any of this.

4 – “I am so blessed.”

You “blessed” people drive me nuts.  We are all blessed in some way.  I just find it very rare that someone makes that statement in an appropriate fashion.  It’s beyond absurd that you would feel it necessary to announce such a thing.   Don’t say it…just think it in your head…trust me…nobody cares.

5 -“We don’t have cable, and I don’t miss it at all!”

Stop being stupid.  This is something mothers like to announce so that we know what great parenting they are doing.  They want us to know how they spend their evenings reading literature and playing Scrabble with their children instead of watching TV.

Of course you miss it.  I’m sorry, are you Steve Jobs or Thomas Edison? Are you so intelligent that you are above good quality television programming? Stop it.

6 – “I don’t even put moisturizer on my face…I don’t have time!!”

This whole pretending to be low-maintenance thing is quite common among mothers.  They pretend that they don’t care about their skin and wrinkles.

They pretend that they weren’t staring at their pores all morning in their magnifying mirror.

You don’t care about aging? That’s funny…how come your entire forehead is frozen solid? Weird….

7 – “Oh how I love to cook!”

Since the Food Network became popular as well as programs like Top Chef, everyone loves to pretend they are the Barefoot Contessa.  EVERYONE eats only  fresh and organic foods straight from Whole Foods Market!!   And all good mothers feel compelled to pretend that they are whipping up gourmet meals for their families.

These women think it’s cool to pretend that they are Martha Stewart.  Too bad their kids are all too quick to tell me that they had a waffle for dinner last night and a pop tart for breakfast.  Nice try ladies….nice try.

8 – “I don’t have to work…it’s just that I just love my job!!”

I hate when people say “I don’t have to work.”  First of all it’s rude.  You are implying with that statement that we are all lowly peasants that have to work so we can pay our bills, but you are above that.  You just looooovvvee to work!!!

You are magically the only living American person that is working for pure fun!!

Everyone HAS to work in some capacity.  Even Madonna and Mark Zuckerberg have to work… stop saying that…you are only fooling yourself.

9 – -“I love breastfeeding!”

Now these are some sadistic motherfuckers that make this statement.

I’m sorry – I don’t see how one could find it enjoyable to feed a baby all day on call like a piece of cattle.

I didn’t really enjoy having to stop what I was doing every hour and find a spot where I could safely just whip out my boob and feed a baby for 45 minutes.  I also wasn’t thrilled with the huge engorged breasts that would start leaking milk if I god forbid chose to take some time for myself at somewhere luxurious like the grocery store or the mall.

My favorite part though was the bloody nipples that would be raw and oozing….I could see how someone could really love that.

10 – “I love being pregnant!”

So what is it exactly that you love? Is it that you love weighing 200 pounds?

You love a human being kicking the shit out of your organs and making you sick and constipated? You love not being able to bend down and tie your shoes?

Maybe it’s that when you get a cold you can’t even take medicine.  Or could it be the pretty maternity clothes and huge underwears that you find yourself wearing?

Is it that you love not being able to sleep at night or is it that you can’t have any alcohol or eat a turkey sandwich?  Do you love not having energy and being utterly exhausted all day?

Do you love being hormonal and crying at everything? Is it that you love going to the gynocologist constantly?  Maybe you like to drink that sugary syrup for the diabetes test….

What is it exactly about being pregnant that you love??  I need to know.

Wouldn’t life be great if we could all be a little more HONEST with ourselves and each other!!!!




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