RSS Feed

The Evolution of Date Night

Thank you to everyone who sent me their summer spirit emails and pictures and for all the tweets and shares this week.

It was tough to pick just one deserving person to gift this TROPICAL BREEZE FLOAT to….

But one person caught my eye – she sent lovely pictures and she went so far as to make up a Haiku about the Tropical Breeze.  Her name is Karadactyl and she is the winner of heaven on earth.

And now back to my life…..

When my children were little, just a mere 18 months apart, every day my goal was to survive the day.  In the summer, I would lug them to the beach, along with chairs, bottles, snacks, floaties, SPF, toys and balls.

After dinner we would all be zombies and I would be looking at the clock desperate to get them into their beds.

No matter how tiring their days were, inevitably since birth Michael has never been tired enough to go to sleep in a timely fashion.  I have pretty much spent the past 9 years yelling at him to get into his bed.

Every night of my life I have to tell him to go to bed, and then I have to go to his room and tell him to get into the bed because he will be lingering around near his bed doing something else, and then I will have to tell him to actually go to sleep millions of times after that.

It’s infuriating…

Sometimes I will be settled in watching a show and ready to relax and he will come meandering downstairs asking for water or something as equally stupid and annoying….

I can’t stand it.


When the kids were little at least once a summer, my mother would babysit and Mr. Gaga and I would escape to a nearby restaurant on the water.  This was so luxurious.  To have someone else put my children to bed while I drank a martini looking out at the ocean was heavenly.  Also, most importantly it gave Mr. Gaga and I a chance to hang out and reconnect.

When the kids were very little, we were so tired we would just stare at each other in a dazed, shell-shocked state.  But we were still so happy to be free.

We would try to recreate what date night once was before we had kids. We would try to gaze into each others bleary eyes and be romantic.


It was just never quite the same.

As the children grew and our lives became more manageable, we have really enjoyed our date nights as a chance to catch up with each other, as we become two ships in the night with work, school, and kids’ activities taking over our lives.

But, this summer was different than ever before.

I mentioned how my kids have become quite independent this summer.  They suddenly have their own agenda.

On the beach they are nowhere to be found.  They are either in the water with friends or hanging out at the playground or boardwalk.

This week Mr. Gaga and I both took the week off so that we could enjoy a staycation.  Every day we headed down to the beach as a family, only to find ourselves alone within minutes.

The other day, Sam wandered over to Mr. Gaga and I to ask us what time it was.  He plopped down into a tube that was sitting on the sand.  We started chatting about going back to school and other topics.  After about ten minutes, Sam looked around and said “Oh God, How long have I been sitting here with you guys?” I have to go.” and hopped up and left us.

Modern Family - Series 05 Episode 20

….And……we are alone again.

All that talk a couple weeks ago about reading my book…..

and this week I had more time than I knew what to do with. I READ TWO BOOKS!!

So when we actually went on our date this week it was very different.  First off – my mom doesn’t really have to watch them. She fed them and then they hopped on their bikes and went off with their friends like they do every night.  They play basketball or play games on the beach.  The play manhunt or watch a movie on the beach.   It’s as though they don’t need any adults at all.

Once we were out, we didn’t feel a need to catch up because we were caught up.  We weren’t happy to get away from the kids, we actually missed them.

We listened to music…We looked out at the water.

When the kids were little if someone had said to me – when your kids are 8 and 9 they will be totally independent and you can go out with your husband alone for hours on end….I would have pictured us living it up – getting wild.


But instead we sipped our drinks calmly.

We talked about the kids.


“I wonder what they are doing tonight.” I said as I stared out at the boats.

“Look – there’s Caitlyn Jenner,” Mr. Gaga said in a hushed tone pointing discreetly at a woman sitting near us.

We were shocked at the eerie resemblance and took a quick picture.

That was as wild as we got.


I was drinking sweet summery drinks and in my old age they were upsetting my stomach…

“Let’s just go home.” I said after we had finished eating and I was getting sick of sipping on my sweet drink.

Mr. Gaga didn’t have to be told twice, he stood up quickly and we headed home.

Suddenly after years of trying to get away from these rotten children, I feel as though I have my whole life to go out to dinner.  I would rather be home with my kids.  As we drove home I envisioned hugging them and maybe reading a book or doing a puzzle before they went to bed.

When we pulled in,(at 8:30) the kids were just arriving home as well.  They were sweating from riding their bikes and guzzling water. When I tried to talk to them and hug them, they shrugged me off indifferently.

“Did you even miss us?” I shrieked.

They shrugged carelessly and went off to watch a movie together in the living room.

Mr. Gaga and I stared at each other.

Dare I say – I wished them away and now I regret it?!  It seems like yesterday I was wishing that they didn’t need me so much – that they would entertain themselves and stop bothering me?!

And here we are….it’s just the beginning of this new chapter of motherhood and it’s very bittersweet.




Keep Calm and WIN!! a Tropical Breeze

I am back on the horse   Tropical Breeze!!!

After a series of unfortunate events last week – kept me and my family from enjoying our summer – this weekend things turned around.

Michael got his stitches out so he could go back into the water! And most importantly I received a special gift from the Bestway company.  They are the people that invented the best invention ever!


Remember a couple weeks ago when I described the joy I felt when I was on this Tropical Breeze float that was my friend's?

Remember a couple weeks ago when I described the joy I felt when I was on this Tropical Breeze float that was my friend’s?

Well this wonderful company decided that I should have one of my very own!!!

I received it Saturday afternoon and was very excited to get it into the water on Sunday.

I was not prepared for the hard work it entailed to get this thing blown up!! Thank God for a friend that had a really good “blower-upper” thingy in her garage.


This is not the type of thing you can blow up with your mouth.

It took about an hour and then we were wondering how we would actually get it to the beach.

We tried to put it on top of our car but it didn’t work.

We tried to get a bunch of kids to hold it on two golf carts.  Our plan was to drive both carts very slowly next to each other….that didn’t work either.

tb carts

Finally we just each grabbed a corner and walked it down.

It actually was pretty light and manageable!!

All the hard work paid off.

There is just nothing like floating on the open sea on the Tropical Breeze.


We brought snacks and lunch, and I even brought my book that I have been trying to read for two weeks!!

I kept trying to keep the kids away by kicking at their hands when they would try to get on board….


But ultimately I was a good mother and I let them have a turn with their friends…They were entertained for HOURS!!

kids tb

The most amazing news is that the TROPICAL BREEZE FLOAT PEOPLE want me to give to one of these magical flotation devices to one of you!!!

To enter you need to share and like this post on facebook or twitter.

You can get another entry by commenting below in the comments about how you would utilize the Tropical Breeze and why you NEED or DESERVE the Tropical Breeze!!

You can get another entry by showing me your summer spirit in picture sent to my email or Facebook page.

The winner will be chosen based on need of Tropical Breeze after being reviewed by my private panel of judges and number of entries.  If you like and share more than once on social media that will up your chances to win!!

And to all of my friends and family who think they have the inside connection……Coined by one of my friends as a “BREEZE BRIBE”


Hmmm……I might be bought……



Worst Week Ever

Apparently when you blog about Tropical Breeze floats and hard lemonade in your crotch the universe laughs at you.

If you float in the ocean and tell the world that you are happier than you have ever been….

The universe will immediately pop your brand new tires on the way to work…

Remember when I stole Mr. Gaga’s car with the sunroof?

So imagine me just cruising along on the highway listening to some great tunes, getting a tan through the sunroof, and then all of a sudden my whole car is filled with smoke and I fishtail off the highway into a cloud of doom – leaving shreds of rubber in my wake.

Many times I have noticed a shredded piece of tire on the side of the highway and a shudder goes through my spine thinking about what happened to the poor person who left it behind.


Apparently you will find yourself on the side of the highway with a shredded tire when you are an hour late to work…

And then after Mr. Gaga rescues you from the perils of the highway and the late to work situation…you will say “Well that wasn’t so bad….” and then the universe will laugh at you again.

Monday Michael and Sam went to camp.

They came home crying.

Remember that picture I posted of the idyllic children playing dodgeball on the beach?


Remember how smug I was when I said basically that children in modern day times can actually play dodgeball without crying?


I was wrong.

Apparently there was some dispute during the dodgeball.  Someone got hit with a dodgeball and didn’t admit that they were out.  This erupted into a fight. There was a squabble.  They all agreed to disagree.

They ate lunch.

Camp resumed for the afternoon.

In the afternoon when the children were playing in the park, Michael decided to seek revenge on the child that had refused to be out.

Unprompted while everyone was making potholders with their looms….

He threw the dodgeball at this child’s head.

The child sized up Michael, clearly assessed that he would lose this fight and chose to start beating up Sam instead.

Michael then rose to his brother’s defense and beat the shit out of him and got into trouble.

Meanwhile….back at the ranch…while my children are at camp, if I don’t have to be at work, I just want to bask in the sun, enjoy my Tropical Breeze and relax.

I just want to be tan and read my book and enjoy my life…is that too much to ask?

In case you missed the first three years of their childhood, I breastfed and chased these maniacs around every minute of my life.  I just want to read my book and every day occasionally have a cocktail.  I deserve this.


Michael and Sam returned from camp crying.

I threw down my book with only one page completed.

“What happened?” I asked.

They cried and moaned about their troubles.

“I had to beat him up because he was beating up Sam!” Michael pleaded.

Can't I read my book and enjoy my pina colada you fucking assholes??

Can’t I read my book and enjoy my pina colada you fucking assholes??

I ripped their arms out the sockets, dragged them to the camp counselors and demanded that they resolve the issues, and returned to my beach chair to read my book.

That day was somewhat salvaged.

Next day, I send kids to camp and tell them I will beat the shit out of them if they cause any trouble and tell them if they are too soft to handle dodgeball then they should spend the day making potholders.

I go to the beach and get settled in for a glorious day of sun and surf.

The kids get out of camp and swim and enjoy life until 5 PM.

Michael says he is going to ride his back to the house to take a shower, I tell him we will head back shortly and see him in a bit.

When I arrive home, I find Michael has lost control of his brakes and crashed into a rock wall.

His leg is a bloody mess.

It’s meaty and fleshy and gushing blood.

My mother is there holding a cold rag on the wound while he cries and wails and she whispers to me “I think he needs stitches.”

We hope in the car after sending pictures of the leg to Mr. Gaga for confirmation, and head to the E.R.

I am NOT nurse-ish.

I am NOT Meredith Grey.

I am NOT a good mother someone that is good with injured people.

I gagged and held back tears as the nurse basically power-washed the shit out of his leg to get the gravel and sand out of his wound.  He held my hand tightly and cried, while I tried to remain calm and collected.

Then they gave him a shot in his leg and then they gave him 7 stitches.

After all of that, the worst was yet to come.

Imagine in slow motion a doctor saying “No swimming for two weeks.”

Imagine me literally wearing my bikini and a cover up -fresh from the beach- with sand on my feet and legs – throwing myself into oncoming traffic.

Somebody kill me.

Somebody kill me.

Poor me  Michael.

I mean we live at the beach.

As we drove home, I was thinking if I could just wrap up his leg in saran wrap – it should be fine.  I mean I am sure they just say “no swimming” as a precaution – but they probably don’t mean it.

I could let him swim for a little while.

Just a quick dip.  As long as Mr. Gaga doesn’t show up and catch me sunbathing while Michael’s leg gets filled with ocean bacteria…..

I could just imagine him running to the edge of the ocean screaming “Get out of the water!” like a maniac – and then I would wake up from my nap on my beach towel…It would be disastrous.


My fate and Michael’s was sealed.

The next day while Sam and I lounged on the beach in the scorching 90 degree heat, Michael announced he wanted to walk over to the playground that’s down the road from the beach, since he couldn’t swim.

I agreed.

I laid back and finally tried to read my books and magazines and relax.

Twenty minutes later Michael was back on the beach headed towards me in tears.

I threw my book down.


“What now??!!!” I screeched into his sweaty face.

“I squirted a squirt gun into a guy’s face at the park and then he pushed me to the ground and punched me in the back of the head twice!”  he cried.


“When you are fucking annoying and squirt water in people’s faces that you don’t know – what do you think is going to happen?” I yelled. “You got what you deserved!” I said with disgust.

When Michael had calmed down and I had calmed down, I explained calmly that although it was a tough lesson to learn, he should think twice next time he is about to do something impulsive that could potentially piss someone off.

He agreed.

We went back to the beach.

I picked up my book.

“Oh Mom – there’s the guy that beat up Michael.” Sam said matter-of-factly pointing to a huge man.  I was shocked to find that the person who beat up Michael was clearly ten years older than him.

I threw the book down….AGAIN.


I waited by the edge of the water for the huge “slow adult” to come out of the water so I could let him know that assault on a minor would not be tolerated.

When he finally came towards me, I stopped him to say my prepared speech about how I would be pressing charges if he went near my child again.

He looked at me defiantly. “Your kid squirted water in my face,” he spat, “That’s assault!”

“OK, well he’s nine, so I will be calling the police the next time you try something like that,” I said sternly, sure that he would be anxious to have an adult threaten him in this way.

“I don’t really care!” he shouted as he walked back ashore, “Fuck off!” he yelled as he gave me the finger.

This is not how I thought this was going to go down...

This is not how I thought this was going to go down…

I was speechless.

I was filled with rage and anxiety until Mr. Gaga came to the beach the next day and hunted him down and took care of business.

Today was the day – I was sure would be normal.

Sam woke up screaming in pain, and Mr. Gaga spent two hours at the walk-in clinic before having a doctor diagnose him with an ear infection.

“No swimming.” Mr. Gaga said matter-of-factly, when he returned tossing ear drops on the counter.  I shrugged numbly.

I had all but given up on the sun, the surf, and the reading.

But at long last, the universe was done punishing me.

I received an email from the Tropical Breeze people.

They think I deserve a brand spanking new Tropical Breeze.

AND! They think I should give one of my loyal readers a brand spanking new Tropical Breeze!!  (Stay tuned for details.)

I am hoping this week finds us all splashing in the surf and reading our books….




Stopping to Smell the Tropical Breeze

During the school-year I get caught up with what’s happening in Goopville.

I find myself signing up for $20 spinning classes because I’m fat and desperate 

it’s the trendy thing…

I lust for new Louis Vuitton bags because it’s very durable and a good investment  I just want a new one…

There's never enough...

There’s never enough…

I go back and forth between being determined to work hard so that I can have a million pocketbooks and things and just coming home at night, enjoying time with my children and husband, drinking too much wine, and saying “fuck it.”

tina wine

And then I worry about if the schools are good enough – Should I be saving for private schools?

Should I work more and save one million dollars for fancy colleges for my kids?  Should I get a fancy car? More Botox? Fillers???

Something I have never really mentioned much on this blog is that our neighborhood is very flawed….Our neighbors are insane and the demographic is not what I would like it to be – (which is old Italian women frying up chicken cutlets.) That demo is hard to find – but the one we have is FAR away from that….. So I think it would be nice to move – into a new house – with more room that is away from these wretched neighbors.

I spend a lot of time thinking about my fat stomach that’s stretched out and fat from these horrible children.  I spend a lot of fruitless hours  hours carefully calculated to burn off the wine  

time that could be spent doing other things, spinning, running, ellipticalling, and other fucking bullshit that doesn’t make me skinny or happy.

Probably because I then go home and eat pizza and drink wine -but still.

It’s depressing.

So then I dwell on the fact that I am fat and wish that I could get liposuction….and that’s probably not great.

And I also dream about a beach house, a condo in Florida, a penthouse in New York city, plastic surgery, diamonds….

So what’s my point??

In the summer – everything changes.

I don’t want to work.

I want to be basking in the sunshine.

I want to be drinking a Corona outdoors with a sea breeze hitting my face.

I want to be with my kids, on the beach.

I want to sit in a beach chair and read my book for an hour or two straight and then jump into salty cold water when I get hot.

I don’t care if I wear rags.

I would take an outdoor shower for the rest of my life.

I barely wash my face, and all of my luxurious and expensive creams and makeups start to collect dust.

Because in the summer – I have the luxury of being at the beach and I realize what true happiness is….

It’s watching my children play DODGEBALL on the beach!! Like in the olden days – just children enjoying a game with a ball!!  When they came home this night – I said – “Did anyone cry when they got hit with a ball?” And they said ……



This looks fake – but it’s actually from 2015…And my heart soared when I saw this.

And then this past week my family celebrated our family tradition of Christmas Eve in July.  My aunt visits from Baltimore every summer and she brings with her a sauce-splattered recipe card from my deceased Italian grandmother.  It holds the sacred recipe of her Lobster Fra Diavlo sauce that she would make every Christmas Eve when we were growing up.

She makes this sauce every July 24th and we eat like beasts with reckless disregard for our waistlines – like good Italians.

If it was February – I would feel guilty about being fat and eating lots of carbs…..

But fuck that shit….


Eating my grandmother’s Christmas Eve sauce is the ultimate in happiness for me.

And just when I was starting to find the true meaning of happiness and throwing all of my Louis Vuitton bags into the fire….

My friend invited me to go on her float.

Yes…it’s essentially a large inflatable raft.  She said – “It’s huge! And we can just float on the water for hours!”

Sounds good to me….

It’s called a “Tropical Breeze.”

tropical breeze

There she is….

We had a great plan to float on the water – and we decided that since there was a built-in cooler in the middle of this heavenly float – it only made sense to have a happy hour.

“I think we should have cheese and crackers,” my friend suggested.

A bunch of us agreed, and we met at the shoreline and piled my son’s boogie board high with alcoholic beverages, cheese and crackers, olives, chips and dips.  We pushed the food and drinks carefully out into the ocean and then hopped on top of the delightful float.

We tied the float up to a buoy rope and floated in the sun.

We gazed at the shoreline at all of the people on the beach and said aloud several times while we ate cheese and drank vodka, “Everyone is so jealous of us right now…”

We had our phones for selfies and music….and people would swim up to us like we were on a yacht and ask if they could join our party….


It was in this blissful moment in the sun, that I had an epiphany.

“I am so happy right now!” I announced.

Everyone sighed in agreement,

“This is what real happiness is!  I don’t think that I own one Louis Vuitton bag that has brought me as much happiness as this Tropical Breeze has brought me!”

Everyone laughed and agreed.

Happiness is a tropical breeze, figuratively and literally.

If only I could remember this in the winter….


Yup – that’s a Mike’s Hard Strawberry Lemonade in my crotch…..

I have to just remember what’s important –

I have to remember that life with pasta and vodka and salt air is what truly makes my heart soar and I cannot let myself be swayed by winter confusions…..

I am going to work on this – and I am telling all of you so you can keep me honest.





pasta alcohol



This Helicopter is going down…

Recently I was chatting with friends and I prefaced a story with “Even though I blog about how crazy moms are…I am secretly a helicopter mother myself sometimes.”

A friend quickly quipped, “It’s no secret.”

I was taken off guard. Am I a helicopter mother without realizing it?

Why would she say such a thing.

I reflected on some instances with this particular person where she might find me an overbearing and overprotective parent.

One instance for sure is my hatred of sleepovers.  I guess my refusal to let my children sleep in strange homes that could have a viscous dog!! in strange beds that could have bed bugs!!  on strange pillows that could be filled with lice!!    with a bunch of strangers (for no apparent reason) strikes some people as odd.

I find that the parents who loves sleepovers are particularly put off and annoyed by my refusal, and on more than one occasion I have been basically bullied by the sleepover-requesting parents.

These parents that want my children to sleepover their homes with their adorable little children will argue back and forth with me endlessly trying to prove to me the merits of the sleepover.

They will pepper me with reasons why it is so important for children to experience sleepovers and ask me why I would deprive my children of such joy and entertainment incredulously, in a manner that suggests that I am an overprotective moron.

They basically make me feel as though I am a huge nerd and they are totally cool hip parents.


I chalked her comment referring to me as a “helicopter” up to the sleepover issue – but then….

I started to take notice.  I caught myself being super-helicopter-y on more than one occasion!

The nerve of me!

Especially in the mornings before school.

I would repeatedly find myself sending the boys back up the stairs to change their outfits, their socks, their hair….

When I checked myself – I couldn’t let go.

I could not let my kids go to school with bad hair or an unseasonable or wrinkled outfit or mismatched socks.

But is this “helicopter parenting” or “good parenting?”

Many times I have discussed how I think it’s important for kids to look presentable for school, to comb their hair and put on outfits that don’t suggest that they are homeless or insane.

“Cool” parents that “aren’t helicopters” often roll their eyes at me.


“Oh I don’t care what Buddy the Elf Tucker wears to school – I let him decide…..You have to choose your battles..” they say in their breezy way that indicates that I am a huge douchebag that cares about unimportant matters such as combed hair and wearing pants instead of shorts in the winter.

They roll their eyes at me and my overbearing helicopter-ness to say “You are overbearing and uncool and I am laid-back and we don’t own combs or mirrors and we are very very cool.”


It might requires a little bit of effort.  It might require a little bit of static or arguement in the morning – but it’s too ensure that your child learns about the importance of caring about how he presents himself.  Is it no longer necessary to match clothes?  I am pretty sure that when you go to corporate America you have to wear matching clothes and look presentable or you will go nowhere fast.

Let me know how this works out for Tucker on Wall Street....

Let me know how this works out for Tucker on Wall Street….

And after I assess and approve their appearance and I am actually going to let them leave for school …I do make them kiss and hug me for a long period of time.  I do hang on them and pretend I am crying and say “Don’t leave me!”

Is that helicopter-ish??

Sometimes if I have extra time to spare I say “What if one day someone wants to marry you and they say “I hate your mother?” Will you marry them? What will you dooooooo?”


My children are quite accustomed to my dramatics so they usually just give a quick peck on my cheek and say “I won’t marry anyone mom…” and run away towards the bus.

The other day after I went into a long scenario where his wife hates me and refuses to come to my house for any holidays I asked Michael “So what would you do?

He thought about it and said, “I know! I will tell her that I am going to the liquor store and then I will actually come to your house for a visit!” he answered thinking he had done some great problem-solving.

“Ok,” I relented,”But how about ask her why she hates me in the first place?”(A little over-bearing? Maybe…but it’s never too early to start a good relationship with your future daughter-in-law.)

I mean I can see where this might be considered a little helicopter-ish but for the most part ….

This is all normal mothering right???


And then there’s the matter of Sam’s third grade teacher for the fall.  I mean Michael’s third grade teacher was the worst living teacher on the planet.  She didn’t teach him one thing and she played movies so much that Michael famously stated in the spring of his 3rd grade year – “I can’t wait until third grade is over so that I can stop watching movies.”

So obviously, I met with the principal this spring to strong-arm her into promising that Sam would NOT have this horrible teacher.

I mean how could I let my little sweet (very smart!) angel knowingly go through the entire 3rd grade with a bad teacher?!

I mean if that’s helicoptering and that’s wrong then I don’t want to be right…..


So maybe I can be pegged as a helicopter in some ways.

But now it’s summer and I find myself letting go. When I let things go – it actually feels really good.

It makes me realize the error of my helicopter ways….

Quite frankly – there’s just not so much to worry about during the summer at the beach.  Life is easier. We don’t have sports or anything stressful to think about.

I can really loosen the reins a bit…..a lot….maybe too much.

The whole “swimming to the raft” incident was one example…..

This year more than ever – my children have found a bit of independence.  They are 8 and 9 and they are taking off with their friends in our small beach community and disappearing for hours at a time.

After dinner every night – they hop on their bikes and announce that they are going to the park or to a friend’s house and they will be back at dark.

Do I know where they are?

yes.  I mean I know they are nearby…   Well how far could they really go……I’m drunk.

Kind of.

I know that they are safe. I also know that a little freedom for them is priceless.

I also know that a little freedom for me is priceless.

To not have to worry about my children every second of my day is so luxurious!!

Because let’s face it.  The worry and fear and maintenance of being a helicopter is pretty intense and pretty draining.

The summer is a time when they can explore, play and establish friendships without their mother hovering over them.

And what will I do with all my spare time?

I’m not quite sure yet…..


I’ll think of something……



Time for me to take some of my own advice…

I am sorry that I am late to post this week – 

It’s because I made a seriously bad decision….

I traveled to Springfield, Massachusetts yesterday and I took my children to Six Flags New England today.

Last year I took them to Hershey Park and I vowed that I would never do something like that again…

I forgot I guess.

Here’s a reminder of that horrific trip…and I promise to have some fresh material next Sunday – XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Well this week I decided to take the kids away for a couple of days with my friend, Jane and her children.

I have always heard great things about Hershey Park and I thought it would be a great place for two little boys and for two girlfriends who love chocolate.  Every time I told someone we were going – they would tell me how wonderful and magical it was.  “The kids will love it!” everyone assured me.

Many people have also suggested more adventurous trips for the two boys – like the Grand Canyon – but I thought this would be a logical first step.

I imagined a magical place with chocolate fountains and everyone told me that as you entered into the town of Hershey you could actually smell chocolate in the air.  There were tons of rides for the kids and a water park.  Basically it would be a wonderful adventure and would secure my ranking as “Best Mom Ever.”

Ok well first of all as we were getting close to the Hershey gates, after driving for 5 1/2 hours I rolled down my windows with excitement.  We all stuck our heads out the car windows.  Maybe the factory was closed that day – or maybe fresh landscaping had just occurred but all we smelled was manure.

We were off to a great start.

Off we went to the amusement park.  We started off on a few rides and we did one pretty tame rollercoaster.  As we got further into the park we realized that several of the rides were closed. On one ride Jane and Michael waited in a half hour-long line before being told that the coaster was broken.

Michael the daredevil of the group, was getting frustrated.  We came upon a very unusual ride where you get strapped into what looks like a rollercoaster seat and then you go down a straight rail, practically at the speed of light.

We watched group after group get catapulted forward at lightning speeds into a tunnel out of sight.

“Please!! Please can I do that one?” Michael pleaded.

“Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly as I watched people’s heads jolt back from the excessive speed.


“Yes! Please!” he begged.

I relented and Jane agreed to go on with him.

We watched them get catapulted forward and waited for them to get off the ride.  They had disappeared.  We peered through the tunnel and under the trees that were blocking our view and I realized with horror that in fact the ride didn’t end with just a straight shot – but instead went on to become one of the most insane rollercoasters I had ever seen in my life.

Oopsie...there goes Michael.

Oopsie…there goes Michael.

After that whole fiasco we decided to have lunch and head over to the water park.

This part of the park reminded me of other hellish places I have been where water is squirting out from fifteen million places and a huge bucket above the area fills up with water and then tips over and drenches everyone with a tidal wave.   We were hot from milling about in the blazing 90 degree heat, so we thought it would be a good break.

As we approached we soon realized that there would absolutely be no way to watch our children.


The kids chose the longest slide and we agreed to let them go all together up the stairs to wait in line for that particular purple slide and we would wait on the ground for them.  The line was long and our skin was burning as we waited for 15 minutes while they ascended the stairs.  As I peered around there were a lot of unsavory characters in ill-fitting bathing suits.  I slipped off my flip-flops and waded in a cold puddle to cool off, counting the minutes until we could leave this area.

Fifteen more minutes passed and we looked up into the sun trying to find their little bodies on the stairwell.  We spotted them and realized they hadn’t moved ahead much.

Another fifteen minutes passed and we could no longer see them and we were starting to get nervous.

“I’m going to go the bottom of the slide to wait for them! This is taking way too long!” I told my friend with despair.

Human beings of all shapes and sizes came one after another shooting out from the slide, but not our children.


Finally, after one hour of waiting we could see our kids right at the top of the stairs, up next to come down the slide.  I walked up close so I could get a nice picture of them coming down the long-awaited slide.

But what was this that came shooting down?

This wasn’t one of our children….I took a closer look as a woman came tumbling down on her back in a big splash, legs spread wide……with NO BATHING SUIT BOTTOM ON!!!!  She leaned down and grabbed her bottoms that had slipped down around her ankles and pulled it back up.

I almost died.

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened....

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened….

I looked at my friend in despair – “But wait – I think our kids our next – that means – her bits and pieces just rubbed all the way down the slide!” I screeched in horror.

“Yup,” Jane said laughing as the kids came shooting down, “Here they come in the vagina tunnel…”

That was enough of that.

“Come on kids – a few more rides and then we can go to the Chocolate Museum.” I said wrapping the kids in towels and shuffling them out of the water park.

“But – we only did one ride!” the kids cried.

We ignored them and did a few more rides, even though we waited in two more lines!! that shut down the ride while we were mid-line!

Finally we headed out of the park and made our way towards “Chocolate World,” which was what I had been dreaming of all day. We were to go on a tour of the chocolate factory.

I knew for sure this whole day of torture would end with a delightful cruise down a chocolate river…

I couldn't wait for this delightful tour and was so excited to hear that we would receive a fresh off the presses piece of Hershey's chocolate at the end....

I couldn’t wait for this delightful tour and was so excited to hear that we would receive a fresh off the presses piece of Hershey’s chocolate at the end….

Only the tour was a fake-ass tour with barrels of fake liquid and a fake story about how chocolate is made….. I couldn’t help but think along the tour – “Where is the barrel of high fructose corn syrup??”


This is fucking bullshit -Where is Gene Wilder?????

The kids enjoyed the tour and didn’t seem to notice that it was completely absurd and stupid. When we hopped off our beautiful chocolate river boat  motorized tour cart – I thought to myself at least we will receive a delicious piece of chocolate at the end of all of this.



We peeled out of that Hershey Park so fast gnawing on our pomegranate balls in disgust.

The next time someone tells me some place is “wonderful” I am going to have to think long and hard about this.

The first thing I am crossing off my list is the Grand Canyon.  Many people have told me how “amazing” it is there.

Guess what? I am not falling for this bullshit anymore.

I am not riding some filthy goat up a mountain and looking down into a ditch where I can fall to my death at any moment…..

I’m thinking “stay-cations” are more my speed.




Places you won’t find me this Summer

This week I am finally able to get into the summer mode.

On Wednesday, my family left for three days for a special trip.


I stayed home.

When I first met Mr. Gaga he would speak fondly of his childhood camping trips with his sister and parents.  I firmly let him know in no uncertain terms that camping would not happen anymore if we chose to marry and have children.

Clearly, I am not equipped mentally or physically, to reside in a nylon facility with a rocky dirt bed, where I could be eaten by a bear at any moment.

I will never understand how such a trip could be enjoyable.

So off Mr. Gaga went this week with his father and my two beautiful safe children.  They were plucked from the safety of their beds and and their home and driven off into the wilderness to sleep in the great outdoors.

They had a blast. They played cards and catch and swam.  They didn’t bathe for four days, ate a lot of junk food and roasted marshmallows on a real campfire like they do in the movies.

I enjoyed my time at home watching Real Housewives with reckless abandon in the air-conditioning.


Camping is not the only summer activity that I refuse to do.  There are several other activities that Americans do regularly under the guise of “summer leisure” that I find absolutely horrific.

For example:


I’m sorry but if you know full well that people are getting their legs bitten off regularly in waters near you, perhaps it’s time to just sit in your beach chair and read a book.

At what point do you disregard the huge signs letting you know that you are entering into shark-infested waters and just go take a swim?

This is called - don't put one toe in the water. Fly a kite. Read your magazine.  Take a bike ride. Don't be a stupid douchebag...

This is called – don’t put one toe in the water. Fly a kite. Read your magazine. Take a bike ride. Don’t be a stupid douchebag…

You are entering into the sea, where sharks reside and they consider you lunch.

Have you seen Jaws?  You will not beat the system dudes…

When Mr. Gaga first came to the beach on the Connecticut shoreline where I spent all of my summers, he was horrified.

When you grow up swimming in the Long Island sound you don’t realize that it’s not up to par.  Apparently to any individual who associates the beach with the ocean, it’s a huge disappointment.

The water is very still and devoid of surf.  It can be a bit green and murky and filled with seaweed.

“What the fuck is this? A pond?” Mr. Gaga asked incredulously the first time we stepped onto the pebbly sand.

“It’s the Long Island sound.” I shrugged.

“There’s no waves.” he said with disgust.

He’s right.

There’s no waves.

But guess what else there’s not…..



I fell for this Willy Wonka hoax last summer.  Expecting to be met with the smell of chocolate in the air and riding a tube down a lazy river filled with Hershey’s Special Dark, I was in for a rude awakening.

I couldn't wait for this delightful tour and was so excited to hear that we would receive a fresh off the presses piece of Hershey's chocolate at the end....

I couldn’t wait for this delightful tour and was so excited to hear that we would receive a fresh off the presses piece of Hershey’s chocolate at the end….

Meanwhile – it was all bullshit and the tour was fake with fake chocolate pouring out of fake machines.  We were devastated.  To add insult to injury – at the end of the tour we were promised a delightful chocolate treat.

We were carelessly handed this by a disinterested Hershey tour guide…



After that disastrous trip – I vowed I would not do these short little jaunts.  The only time I would take a summer adventure it would have to be good.

But I am just not wowed by any trips that other people seem to find enjoyable, especially…


I mean I am sure people might miss the news sometimes.  So maybe you might not realize what you are getting yourself into…

But did everyone miss this report?


Or this one?


Or this one?


Does this actually appeal to people??

I cannot think of a worse fate than to be stuck out to sea in a huge vessel filled with sick humans.


This seems very unpleasant – yet millions of people continue to go on cruises.

It’s shocking.


I hear people often mentioning summer adventures involving the Grand Canyon.

I cannot think of something more terrifying.

“Let’s see – what should we do this summer?”

“I know! Let’s drive a goat up winding trails where we can fall to our deaths at any moment and then we can look at a huge dry dusty hole.”



I think I am best suited to just stay put in my beloved Long Island sound.

There’s just nothing like a staycation….





Get every new post delivered to your Inbox.

Join 2,521 other followers

%d bloggers like this: