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The Superbowl-A Green Light for Bad Behavior


I don’t really give two shits about football or the Superbowl.

My main focus of the whole event is that apparently we all are given a green light to eat an excessive amount of cheese and chips.

We all feel for some reason that because there are people competing in a football game on our television sets that we should pour queso dip all over our bodies and eat sandwiches that are bigger than our vehicles.  Why do we do this?

Because there are men running around that have trained for many hours and are athletically gifted – I feel it is my duty to eat this…

It makes no sense - if you think about it....

It makes no sense – if you think about it….

It seems as though – many individuals take the opportunity of this blessed event as a green light for all sorts of inappropriate behaviors.

Don’t forget I live in NEW ENGLAND!!

People completely lose their shit around here for the Patriots and for Tom Brady.

Today I was foolish enough to make a trip to the grocery store to pick up a few things.  On top of it being SUPERBOWL SUNDAY it is also the DAY BEFORE ANOTHER STORM, so needless to say the parking lot was a zoo.  When I finally found a spot I had to wait patiently for a woman to load up her SUV with her groceries.  It was taking her forever, so I took a closer look to see what she was trying to desperately to get into her trunk…

Oh I'll just wait here all day while you fill your entire car with Patriots balloons for no apparent reason....

Oh I’ll just wait here all day while you fill your entire car with Patriots balloons for no apparent reason….

When I got into the store- people were running up and down the aisles in complete panic mode, frantically tossing Fritos and dip in their cart with their left hand and milk and bread with their right hand.

I escaped with the essentials….cheese, milk, bread.

I will make a variety of bad foods that have very high calorie counts and  cry at the Star Spangled Banner, wait for Katy Perry to arrive, 

watch the commercials, watch the game with a small group of family members.

When I got back from the store I was so relieved to safely be in my home where nobody cares about the Patriots.  It is very hard to venture into the world on days like today and see the highly disturbing fashion faux pas that are occurring.

Most notably – there is nothing worse than women who wear football attire.   Now what on earth possesses these women to wear clothing that is designed to be worn by a man on a football field?  Is it to support your boyfriend or husband? And if so, does he find you attractive wearing a man’s sports uniform?  Have you considered that you might want to be a man?

Or is it because you want us all to know that you like Tom Brady and you are pretending that you are Gisele by wearing his shirt…..

A shirt that was one of millions manufactured in China and is now sold at Marshalls, and is fact NOT his actual shirt.

Is it because you think it will bring luck to you and inadvertently the team?  Do you think that by you putting a jersey on and making yourself look like a huge “dude” then it will send magic powers to Arizona and make your team win??

That’s just dumb.

Let’s ask this couple who watched the last time the Patriots were in the Superbowl in matching jerseys…

New England Patriots fans watch Super Bowl XLVI in Boston, MA

The football jersey in general is being abused by all sorts of individuals.  The jersey, once a mere piece of a uniform, has become something that everyone feels free to don.  There are many problems with this.

First of all, you do realize that you are not part of the team…so are you pretending that you are on the team??

Or are you wearing it to let everyone around you know that you like the Patriots? Because we don’t care actually.

Also – Why is your pet wearing one??

I mean is this dog an asshole??

I mean is this dog an asshole??

Let’s hope all of this jersey-wearing pays off for these lunatics….

I am off to eat my weight in cheese…..

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA – EVEN IF YOU ARE WEARING A PATRIOTS JERSEY!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Blizzard Etiquette – Friendly Reminder not to Lose your Sh*&


Everyone needs to just hold it together….I saw people displaying bad behaviors today…..

Here’s a friendly reminder of how to behave during bad winter weather – from our last blizzard in 2013….

Here in Connecticut we pretty much are at the point where we expect some sort of weather catastrophe every 2 months.

As usual, Blizzard Charlotte didn’t disappoint.

Gone are the days when there’s a snow storm and you stay home for a day, make a snowman, drink some hot chocolate and proceed with business as usual the next day.

Oh no – the nonsense began on Thursday – and school is closed tomorrow.

That will be DAY 4 of being indoors as a happy family.

Thursday and Friday morning were more storm preparation days when everyone was driving around like maniacs stockpiling food and gas hoarding to get ready for the blizzard.

I get it – it’s unpleasant and stressful, but people need to calm the fuck down.

The world is not ending.

Calm down people and stop being assholes.

Precipitation is not a green light for you to let loose all of your bad personality traits on strangers. Here are some rules:

TEN RULES OF BLIZZARD ETIQUETTE:

1 – YOU DON’T NEED THAT MUCH BREAD:

Of course I was at the store with everyone else in the world on Thursday stocking up on food supplies for the weekend.  I was basically thinking snacks, lunch and dinner, maybe some brownies.

Lo and behold the shelves were bare, because people act like they are going to be stuck in their house for 6 months.  This was the bread aisle.

bread-aisle-pre-storm-photo-by-jenneen-lee

And then there was this….

banana

I know that bread and milk were sold out – but now you are all going to live off of bananas? And who’s the wise guy that just left behind a plantain and a box of firecrackers???

When I got home with a plantain and a box of firecrackers, I turned on the local news and they were interviewing a woman while she loaded up her car with groceries and she had no less than 50 loaves of bread in her trunk!!

BAD BLIZZARD ETIQUETTE YOU BREAD HOARDER!! DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN TOWN THAT MIGHT LIKE A SANDWICH??

2 – AT GAS STATION KEEP PURCHASES LIMITED TO GAS

So after the grocery store was a bust I headed out to get gas.  After going to a couple of gas stations that ran out of gas, I landed at one that just had 6 huge lines.  It’s hard to pick which line to jump into – but I chose to get behind a guy that had a little car and he was in the middle of pumping, so I figured he would be quick.

He finished pumping, hung up the gas nozzle, pressed some buttons and then moseyed on into the gas station.  Cursing him, I glanced into my rearview to see if I could back up and switch lines, but I was blocked in.

We were all very pissed off.   When it’s the end of the world, anything can cause a riot.

After 15 minutes of waiting as more and more cars lined up behind me, he came out with a COFFEE!!!!

By the time he came out with his coffee - I had destroyed the gas station and flipped his car out of the way.....

By the time he came out with his coffee – I had destroyed the gas station and flipped his car out of the way…..

NO!!!!

NOT ALLOWED!!!!!

If it is Blizzard prep time and there is a gas line – you need to get your mid-afternoon coffee elsewhere, my friend.

#3 – MAKE WISE CHOICES ABOUT WHERE TO HUNKER DOWN:

My parents took this opportunity to go to their beach house before the storm “because they have a generator there.”  I tried to convince them that it was a bad idea but they don’t listen.

So of the 9000 households in the entire state of Connecticut that lost power, guess which town they were all in?

The town where my parent’s have their beach house of course!!

And the generator that my parents were so excited about? Oh yeah.. it broke.

Great idea!!!

After my mother told me this I called her back to check and see if they had found a solution.

“Well your father went out back and he got the generator going, but when the power went on in the house it exploded the television and now something’s burning in the house and we don’t know where…I have to go.” she hung up abruptly.

Later they ran out of gas for the generator because they had not planned properly and ended up nearly freezing to death.

While the “end of the world” people are insane – people who don’t prepare at all and make horrible choices that are unsafe are equally as disturbing.

Just sayin….

#4 -TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO ACCOMPLISH SMALL TASKS:

Once you are snowed in – my theory is that it is a good time to organize, clean and get some projects done that you never have time for.

If you are left for too long with nothing to do it’s not good for you.  We went sledding today and a friend told me that her friend was going so crazy in the house with his wife and children that he signed up for Ashley Madison!!!!

I heard from friends and neighbors that were intoxicated for 3 days straight.

This is a perfect time to weed through the hoarding.

While I busily cleaned out Sam’s closet and shelves, I was knee-deep in LEGO’s and books when Sam casually mentioned that Mr. Gaga was snoring downstairs.

Not on my watch, buddy.  Too much down-time, sleeping, eating and drinking can lead to depression, fatness and divorce.

CLEAN AND ORGANIZE!!!  TRUST ME!

 #5 – WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN HELP YOUR NEIGHBORS

Mr. Gaga would actually throw me into a burning fire to help strangers.  His “helpfulness” is a problem that we have been working on.

So it was shocking to me when our snowblower broke and we shoveled for 5 hours and nobody cared to help.

People with snowblowers just waved, zipped through their entire driveway and then dusted off their coats and headed indoors.

Are you kidding me??  Our cars were covered with so much snow that it took approximately 2 hours just to get them out.

car

We worked from 8:30 am until 12:30 to get this far…meanwhile our neighbor had done his entire driveway, dug out 4 cars and was sipping a scotch watching us out the window….

OUR BACKS ARE BROKEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!

#6 – DON’T LOSE STEAM

When you live in Antarctica and everything you own is covered with 3 feet of snow, you lose sight of what’s ok and not ok.

For example, after 4 delirious hours of back-breaking work – the vehicle above looked like it was in good shape to us.

At the time, this is what we actually saw when we looked at it:

[pictures_4ever_eu]%20saab,%20car,%20tuning,%20palm%20trees,%20beach%20126592

So I understand how you can lose steam and get confused about what is appropriate, but you must completely uncover your windshield and car roof before departing.  It is a must.  I think it’s even the law.

If you have dug out your driveway and car – just take a minute and at least dust off the windshield.

My neighbor decided to leave today with about 3 inches of windshield space clear.

van

He just peeled out of his driveway with van like this….

This is not advisable.

#7 – MOTHERS DON’T LIKE SNOW

There’s nothing worse than having a broken back from shoveling, having to watch your neighbors smoke cigars in their freshly snowblown driveways, knowing that your insane parents are living in a cold, powerless house that may or may not be on fire and then having your wretched children through a snowball at you.

Snowmen, balls, and forts are all Mr. Gaga territory.  The end.

#8 – SLEDDING ETIQUETTE FOR MORONS

Back in the day, children had common sense and inherently knew enough not to walk back up the middle of the hill while 30 children are waiting to go down on their sleds.

Not today.

We took the kids sledding and several children (one that was especially bad) would just walk right up the hill so nobody could go and then she would sit her bratty ass right down in front of the kids that were waiting and take another turn!!!

I had 3 days indoors at this point so I was loudly disagreeing with this behavior.

“Is she fucking kidding me right now?” I asked Mr. Gaga loudly amidst parents and young children.

His eyes bulged out of his head.  “BE QUIET!” he muttered.

That was the first time.

Then she did it AGAIN!!!

“What is she a dick?? Where are her parents?” I demanded.

(*In today’s world – on top of the children being little assholes the parents are all on the hill with the children micromanaging the sledding operation.)

Mr. Gaga took the kids and sleds and diplomatically moved to a different area of the hill, before any more trouble brewed.

Thank God – because things were about to get ugly.

#9 -IF YOU JUST WAIT IT OUT, SOMEONE WILL GO INSANE

Because Mr. Gaga kind of steered me away from the brat on the hill, he thought  a crisis was averted.  However, what he failed to realize was that this town and in particular this hill was filled with little and big assholes.

Eventually it wasn’t just one little girl going up the wrong way…it was everyone!!!

hill

See how the children wait patiently at the top while 12 fucking twat-kids walk up the hill in front of them?

Finally, one of the kids couldn’t take it anymore and she went flying down the hill and took out a couple of kids.  Well, when that happened suddenly a dad went running down the hill to help his injured child and start yelling up the hill.

He was holding his enormous (too old to not know better 12-year-old daughter) and yelling at the whole crowd.

“PARENTS!! PARENTS!!! TELL YOUR CHILDREN TO WALK UP THE SIDE OF THE HILL!! THIS IS NOT SAFE!!!!”

Oh really you moron? You just noticed?

#10 – NO TEXTING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SLEDDING HILL

It’s really sad that today’s society is so dumb that this has to be on my list of rules.

At the end of all the sledding torture we were getting ready to leave and the safest way to get to the bottom of the hill and our car was to sled down.

I got ready to go.  I was on a saucer and Mr. Gaga was on a toboggan ahead of me, but we couldn’t go because there was a mother in the middle of the hill who had stopped midway up to TEXT!!

Yes – so I was waiting for her to finish her TEXT and move…but she didn’t.

“Just go.” I said to Mr. Gaga.

“We are going to knock her over,” he answered.

“Good – she deserves it.” I answered.

Off he went purposely veering his sled away from the texter.

Off I went gunning for her with all my might.

As I came about two feet away she looked up and took one step back, enough so I could only kick her lightly with my boot.

“Oops,” she said as I sped by.

Right….ooops lady….whatever helps you sleep at night.

STAY WARM AND PLEASE REMEMBER THESE TIPS THE NEXT TIME THERE IS A NATURAL DISASTER – WHICH ACCORDING TO MY CONNECTICUT CALCULATIONS SHOULD BE IN ABOUT 2 MONTHS….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Adios Connecticut


A year ago when I was depressed and drinking vats of onion soup during storm after storm in snowy Connecticut, I decided to book a long weekend in Mexico for the following year.

That long weekend was last weekend.

After the hustle bustle of the holidays it was here before we knew it.

We were to leave on Friday so I dedicated Thursday to packing, doing laundry and shaving and waxing my entire body.

I went to the gym in the morning and came home and started cleaning and organizing still sweaty in my dirty gym clothes.

After having children, my personal grooming has taken a turn for the worse, so getting my body ready was on my to-do list.

Shaving has become something that is done mostly for special occasions or bathing suit season.  In between, things can get pretty dicey.

Mr. Gaga famously made his feelings clear on this topic when he grew a mustache and I was unhappy about it.

“I didn’t sign up to be married to someone with a mustache.” I grumbled.

“Yeah – I know! Neither did I… ” he answered.

So needless to say – the amount of prepping this body needed to be beach-ready was outrageous.

While I was upstairs getting organized I heard a loud noise, but I just stayed focused on my task at hand.

Madonna-Shares-Her-Hairy-Armpit-With-Fans

MUST. SHAVE. ARM PITS.

After a couple of hours I started addressing the laundry.

I opened the basement door so that I could head downstairs to throw a load of towels into the washing machine.  My ears were instantly met with the sound of gushing water and the air felt humid and steamy.  I ran down the stairs and stepped into about four inches of warm water at the bottom.

I quickly established that our water heater had burst two hours ago.  That was that noise I had heard and disregarded.  Hot water had been gushing into our finished basement for hours and our lives were destroyed.

I looked at all of the exposed pipes and tried my best to shut off what I believed to be the water pipe that was shooting water into the heater while simultaneously leaving voice mails on Mr. Gaga’s phone.   When it was clear that he would never answer his phone I called my Dad who suggested getting the wet-vac.

I set up smoke signals in an SOS pattern and still no response from my knight in shining armor – so I got the wet-vac and started to vacuum up the water that was never-ceasing.

I started the machine and it was filled in 30 seconds with 5 gallons of water and then I realized that I was then responsible for picking up the 5-gallon container and lifting it into the sink to empty out.

With my back broken and the water still gushing – I did it again.

And again.

And again.

There’s just nothing that can prepare you for these type of events.  When you get married and you buy your first home you think everything will just be wedded bliss and delights.  You picture yourself framing pictures and buying throw pillows and duvets….

You will wear a perfect apron and mix up a batch of homemade muffins in a perfect kitchen with perfect hair with shaved armpits….

Life will be dreamy and perfect.

Life will be dreamy and perfect.

You just know that you will maintain control and your home and life will be like a picture straight out of the Pottery Barn catalog….

There’s nothing that will prepare you for the worst.

There’s nothing that will prepare you for spending a day in your basement like this….

flood

I continued my back-breaking work of emptying out the wet-vac.

TWO HOURS LATER….

Mr. Gaga returned my call.

floodguy

By the time he came home to help I was delirious….

By then my entire spine was permanently damaged and my arm and leg hair and moustache grown significantly.

We finally got as much water up as we could.  There was no hot water.  We hadn’t packed.  I had B.O.

So we did what any forward-thinking people would do.

We took cold showers, we threw as much as we could into bags and we got the fuck out of Goopville.

And we drank Coronas and fruity drinks in hot tubs for four days and tried to forget what we had left behind.

There's nothing that a stiff cocktail and a good book in the sun can't cure....

There’s nothing that a stiff cocktail and a good book in the sun can’t cure….

Mexico was delightful.   Life was grand.

Then we came back to a moldy basement and no hot water.

Luckily the dreaded swimming lessons are upon us.  The day we came back as we headed into the swimming pool area, I whispered into the kids’ ears.

“This is swimming lesson and also your bath….”

We are getting a new water heater tomorrow.  We ripped up all the floors and walls in the basement.  My leg hair has grown back.  And this is coming tomorrow…

blizzBack to the harsh realities of my real life….

PRAY FOR ME DURING THE BLIZZARD AND VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Ski Season


Ski Season is in full swing here in Goopville!

Families here leave every weekend to ski at their ski houses and every Wednesday schools offer ski clubs at a local mountain.

One of my loyal readers reminded me that at this time last year there was a very precarious episode that occurred here in Goopville while a mother was desperately trying to get skis to her son before his bus left for “Ski Club.”

It’s just too good to not relive.  It is actually one of my personal favorites – so I have to share it again.

Plus I am taking the weekend off from blogging so hopefully this holds you for a bit!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Nowadays getting children to school is much more complicated than it used to be.

It used to be that children who lived close to school would walk to school.  Those children that didn’t live close would take the bus.

Because of the system in place to help deliver children to school there would be very little or no parents at United States schools in the morning or afternoons.

Those days are over.

Now “walkers” are driven to school.  Nobody actually lets their kids walk to school.

Also, children that are meant to take the bus often don’t because “they don’t like it,” or their parents think “it’s a bad experience.”

This has created a new modern-day problem for schools across America.  There is a constant struggle to maintain control during “school drop-off and pick-up.”

Imagine, twice a day, each educational institution must figure out a way to control all of the crazy lunatic mothers in their huge oversized vehicles.

As a result, school pick up is annoying and crowded and everyone is in a rush.

bais_hatorah_school-children

There are very strict rules and guidelines for drop-off and pick-up.

Everyone know the rules.  They are very clear.

sign

Many people simply choose not to obey them.

This week at an elementary school in town….the following  “allegedly” happened.

During the usual hectic school pick up, a mother arrived at the school with skiis that needed to be delivered to her son.

kimcar

Assessing the situation, she decided that the line of cars ahead of her was too long.  Racking her brain of how she could best cut the line to get the skiis to her child – she made a quick decision.

She parked where anybody with such an emergency would park.

handicappedspot

She left her car running and made her way to her son’s bus to deliver the almighty skiis.

kim skiis2

Meanwhile little Hunter anxiously awaited his skiis.

Where is my mother with my skiis?? This bitch is totally ruining my chance at the 2022 Winter Olympics!!

Where is my mother with my skiis?? This bitch is totally ruining my chance at the 2022 Winter Olympics!!

Meanwhile, another mother witnessed the illegal parking of Ski Bunny Mom.  After probably years of dealing with entitled behaviors from the mothers and children in this town, she couldn’t take it anymore (or maybe she just feels strongly about illegal handicapped parking) – either way she thought to herself “I’m going to teach Ski Bunny mom a lesson.”

I am so sick of these fucking bitches that think they are so important.....watch this crazy move.

I am so sick of these fucking bitches that think they are better than the rest of us…..watch this crazy move.

She promptly got into Ski Bunny Mom’s running vehicle and peeled out.

Escalade-rear-quarter-466x350

When Ski Bunny mom got back to where she had illegally parked her vehicle it was gone.

Where is my fucking car? My yoga class starts in five minutes!

Where is my fucking car? My yoga class starts in five minutes!

Nobody had seen anyone move her car.

Nobody came forward to confess taking the car.

KIM5

beth2

kim3

BETH5

The car was found across the street.  But Ski Bunny mom and the community was up in arms.

How dare someone take my car and not own up to it??  Whoever did this is a COWARD!!!

How dare someone take my car and not own up to it?? Whoever did this is a COWARD!!!

Moms took to social media to express their concerns and distaste for whoever would dare take someone’s vehicle out of the handicapped parking spot.

“This person should be arrested!!!” They all cried. 

“We are great mothers and people!! We don’t deserve this!” 

“Children without skiis are just as important as children that are handicapped!!”

“Mothers of children without skiis have feelings too!!””

After several posts on Facebook and Twitter – a token handicapped person chimed in!!

Did she scold Ski Bunny mom for parking illegally?

Nope.

handicapmom2

This only added fuel to the fire.

kim4

Some mothers even began to fight on social media.  Some mothers say they will be watching and searching for the mystery car mover in the coming weeks.

Either way, this is a perfect example of what happens when people have too much time on their hands.

Even though it’s not right to steal people’s cars – I have a feeling the car mover and I could possibly be friends….possibly.

Either way – I really can’t make this stuff up.

HAPPY LONG WEEKEND!!! XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

H

Raising the (Salad) Bar


Kids today are just so goddamn dependent on their parents.  They are helpless overindulged little beings.

We have created this.

Parents today have hovered and helicoptered so much that we have rendered these poor innocent children so completely and utterly paralyzed that we don’t even know what they are capable of.

I saw this first-hand this week.

Goopville Moms decided to put forth a great effort to affect change in the school food program.  This effort manifested itself this year with the PTO purchase of 11 salad bars (one for each elementary school in town) which would be wheeled out and utilized every Wednesday.

“Children will have fresh salad once a week!” the PTO rejoiced.

SaladBarwh

Even though there is fake fruit and vegetables on the top – the actual salad bar is quite pitiful….

With these amazing developments came a request from the PTO for parent volunteers to man the salad bar.  Each Wednesday 2 parents would have to commit 2 solid hours of their day to doling out lettuce to rotten children.  Needless to say I was on the list of parents to contact regarding this.

“So – why do we have to be cafeteria workers?” I asked calmly to the Salad mom in charge.

“Oh – it’s fun! It’s so nice to see all of the children enjoying the salad bar!” she answered cheerfully -not really answering why my life had been boiled down to a school cafeteria employee.

I agreed to a couple of days in the beginning of the year and marked my calendar.

This week – after the hustle bustle of the holidays was officially over I felt like I could breathe.

The house got cleaned and slightly organized.  I hit the gym.  I made dinners. I washed clothes.

All was right with the Gaga world.

I was browsing through my phone checking out my calendar Wednesday night when I saw something alarming.

Oh dear...

Oh dear…I didn’t do that….

“Oh my God the “Salad Bar Mom” is going to kill me!” I thought. Hopefully the other mom on duty held it together.   I ran to the bottom of the stairs and called up to the kids who were in bed.

“KIDS!!  HOW WAS THE SALAD BAR TODAY???”

“Fine!” they called down disinterestedly.

“Was anyone there?!” I called.

“Nobody!” they answered.

Oh no.

“WAS LETTUCE FLYING EVERYWHERE???” I called up frantically.

“NO!”

“WERE PEOPLE SMASHING TOMATOES ON THE FLOOR?”

“NO!”

“WERE PEOPLE PUTTING THEIR HANDS IN THE OLIVES AND PUTTING THEM ON THEIR FINGERS?”

“WERE KIDS CRYING?”

“NO!!”

“DID ANYONE LIGHT THE SALAD BAR ON FIRE?”

“DID KIDS TAKE ALL THE VEGETABLES AND MAKE HATS WITH THEM?”

20114515-1206-bigstock_Kid_with_salad_and_tomato_hat__15442769

“NO MOM!”

“DID BIG FAT OBESE CHILDREN TAKE TOO MUCH SALAD??”

This could be catastrophic!

This could be catastrophic!

“DID ANYONE WHEEL THE SALAD BAR DOWN THE HALLWAY AS FAST AS THEY COULD AND THROW IT OUT INTO THE SNOW?”

“NO MOM!!!! NOTHING HAPPENED!” they answered with annoyance.

Hmmm – the other mother didn’t show up either and nothing happened.

Nobody even noticed.

The whole next day went by and the salad bar mother didn’t even contact me.

“I think this a major development!” I told Mr. Gaga excitedly. “By not showing up- I forced hundreds of children to be resourceful and pick up their own cucumbers with a pair of tongs and they succeeded!!”

“Don’t try to twist your negligence into something other than what it was….” he reprimanded.

I rolled my eyes as I texted the salad bar mother to apologize but to let her know that everything ran smoothly and there was nothing to worry about.

She was not impressed with my experiment.

She had heard that some children had eaten salad without dressing because they didn’t know how to get it.

“See?” Mr. Gaga confirmed, “You dropped the ball,” he said shaking his head – mocking me.

“I dropped the ball? I screeched.

“Do you know that just this week a girl Sam’s age dug herself out of a plane crash that killed her family and traveled barefoot through the woods to rescue herself??” I demanded.

“And I am supposed to feel bad that these useless brats didn’t have enough ranch dressing on their lettuce?”

Mr. Gaga shrugged.

He doesn’t want to admit the facts.

Our children are capable of doing a lot more than they do.  How will we know what they are capable of if we don’t let them try?

Next year Michael and his classmates will be in fifth grade!! They are going to start going through puberty!

Will they have pubic hair and body odor and I will be cutting their meat for them?

Is this what Michelle Obama envisioned when she started her healthy food in schools initiative?

You're cute - now go get your own damn salad....

You’re cute – now go get your own damn salad….

That grown-ass children with their periods would be waiting for me to sprinkle croutons on their salads for them?

Do you think the Tiger Moms in China are scooping chickpeas all day?

"You guys are assholes..."

“You guys are assholes…”

It will be interesting to find out what children can really do – and I am going to know the answers soon, because after this salad bar experiment I decided I am really going to try not to do anything for my kids ever again…..

I will let you all know how it goes!!

Happy 2015!

VOTE FOR ME FOR LIBERATING CHILDREN AND THEIR HELICOPTER PARENTS ACROSS THE LAND BY CLICKING THE BANNER BELOW!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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WHAT I LEARNED IN 2014


Every year – I review my top blog posts of the year just to give a recap of all that was important and funny to us each month….

I love doing this for two reasons – One is that I get to really take a look back at what resonated with my readers and two is that quite frankly I have amnesia – so it’s a nice way for me to remember what I did for twelve months…..

In January I learned that I am not the only one that is disturbed by what is considered “news” in this country.

This was one of my most popular posts of the year and 149 people commented on it!!  I noticed that the news that week was all about stuff that’s not news at all.

Included but not limited to a statement put out by the Sesame Street PR team saying that the Sesame Street residents were going to be making healthier choices in 2014.

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

 

The news reporting throughout the year didn’t get much better – but at least we had a good laugh about it….

In February I learned that I can’t just eat and drink with reckless abandon.

We had some snow days and I ended up milling about inside just eating and drinking.
I made a delectable French Onion soup in my crock pot and drank a vat of wine one weekend….

And then I looked in the mirror.

 

 

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes....

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes….

In March I learned that the “Common core is a piece of shit….

As Michael’s third grade math homework got more and more detail-oriented I lost interest completely.  Both kids were expected to show their work for each math question and math problems that took us 5 minutes in the 1980’s now take children hours to complete.

Sam especially got frustrated when he had to fill out a sheet of missing numbers in a pattern and write a sentence explaining how he knew which numbers were missing:

 

 

 

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

So many of you commented that you felt the same frustration as me and Sam and Michael – this warmed my heart.

 

In April I learned that if I fell ill – everyone would survive…

I could not get out of bed for a couple of days and life went on without me.  Mr. Gaga was very doting and helpful.  However the children wore the same clothes for days and survived on inappropriate food choices….

One night I could hear Mr. Gaga say “Sure – No problem!” after Sam requested chicken fingers, hot dogs and a cheeseburger for dinner…

"Caarrottss.." I squeaked out...."and just one entree." I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

“Caarrottss..” I squeaked out….”and just one entree.” I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

In May I learned that I miss Jane Fonda - and so do you….

I know that I eat too much and drink too much.

I know that I should be working out harder to burn off all of these calories – but I am sick and tired of all of this Crossfit and bootcamp bullshit – and I learned that many of you are too!! What happened to the good old days in the 1980’s when our mothers just power-walked and did Jane Fonda floor exercises and were skinny??

Why does our generation of women have to toss tires around and do these vile exercises called “burpees” to not be obese??

I usually just do

I usually just do step 1 and then step 5 and hope nobody noticed……

In June I learned that children can be evil....

When I abruptly had to drop what I was doing and bring Michael to school one morning with no makeup on – one of Sam’s classmates asked him why I had so many wrinkles.

The horror of that day has not worn off yet….

I mean I am pretty banged up - but not really that wrinkled per se......

I mean I am pretty banged up – but not really that wrinkled per se……

In July I learned that Hershey Park is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Being the great mother that I am – A friend and I took our kids to Hershey Park and were very disappointed.

The highlight of that trip was when a middle-aged woman came shooting out of a water slide tunnel missing her bathing suit bottoms while I waited patiently for my kids right in perfect view of her bits and pieces….

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened....

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened….

In August I learned that parents today have too much time on their hands.

I dread the end of summer and I vowed to not get pressured into anything that I don’t feel comfortable with during the 2014 start of school.

I included in my list of things I WILL NOT DO EVER – a crafty idea that some parents are doing which is decorate your child’s sandwich bag.

So instead of interacting with other children - kids will sit in the caf completing some maze that their dick-head parents made....

So the idea here is that instead of interacting with other children – kids will sit in the cafeteria completing some maze that their dick-head parents made….

In September I learned that even a 2 minute movie preview can wreak havoc on our quality of life….

When Warner Brothers decided to play the trailer to their movie Annabelle during the Today Show commercials – my children were traumatized for weeks.

We had just splurged and bought a new bed but I had no sleep because Michael was in my bed crying every night….

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

In October I learned that there are ways to avoid Ebola

Everyone was talking about Ebola in the fall and I was extra careful in my attempts to stay Ebola-free.  I shared some of my great ideas with all of you – so that we could all stay healthy and safe.

Especially during the Halloween season – it’s best to not consume any home-made items or loose candies that are not in a package….

If you get any of these "Ebola Balls" or loose candy corns .....throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

If you get any of these “Ebola Balls” or loose candy corns …..throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

In November I learned that the “Elf” creators are money-hungry bitches….

I just hate the Elf and it’s creators.  In November these greedy bitches took things a step too far by creating a “Birthday Elf.”  It’s not enough that we run around playing their reindeer games all of December – waking up in cold sweats each night realizing we forgot to hide the elf.

Now these people want us to buy the “Birthday Elf” so that the Elf can visit your child for his or her birthday to the tune of $19.99.

I find this highly offensive.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

In December I learned that I can use the “Elf” for good after all.….

In a cruel twist of fate when Mr. Gaga’s irresponsible behavior threatened to destroy Christmas, I relied on the Elf to save the day.  I used him to get an important message to Michael regarding a LEGO mixup at Santa’s workshop and it worked.

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

We survived Christmas without a divorce and the Elf is safely put away until next November.

I am so grateful to have had another full year of blogging under my belt and especially grateful to you all that keep tuning in to read each Sunday night or Monday morning….

THANKS FOR READING AND HERE’S TO A GREAT 2015!! xoxo, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!

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Joy to the Girls


My young pregnant and somewhat newly married cousin was upset with her husband on Christmas Eve.

“What’s wrong?” her mother asked.

“Well I was upset because I like wrapped everything and Bob didn’t help me.” she answered indignantly.

laughing

When we all stopped laughing we broke the news to her.

He will never help during the holidays….It will only get much worse.” we warned her.

She stared back at us with unbelieving eyes.

She will have to learn the hard way.  She will soon learn that Christmas time is a treacherous time that can almost end in divorce if you are not careful.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her just how bad it will be.  You will not only be upset that you will wrap every single gift yourself.

How do you think those gifts will even get to your house? Do you think that your husband will go get them?  Do you think he will give one ounce of thought towards gifts for his flesh and blood children? Or his family?

No he won’t.

I personally thought of each and every gift that would be given and I personally went to purchase each item.  When I couldn’t find what I needed  I would search online and buy items at night while Mr. Gaga and the children slept with sugar plums dancing in their heads.

I only asked Mr. Gaga to do one thing.

Michael had asked Santa for a very expensive Lego Set.  I had ordered it right after Thanksgiving because I am very efficient.

I noticed that the package had arrived one day when I got home from work.  I discreetly asked Mr. Gaga to hide the box somewhere so the kids wouldn’t find it.

“When you hide the box – will you just peek in to make sure it’s the right Legos for Michael?” I asked, as I wasn’t entirely sure that I had gotten the right set.  The kids are obsessed with all Star Wars related Legos – and Michael had requested an Ewok Village, and I wasn’t entirely sure I had gotten the right item.

When Mr. Gaga came up from the basement later – he assured me that the Legos in the box were the right ones.

Fast forward to December 23rd.

My back was broken while I wrapped the 50th gift.  Mr. Gaga was watching television in the kitchen enjoying his life.

I opened up the box that the LEGOS came in.  I pulled out the box that was supposed to be an Ewok Village.

This was in the box....I see no Ewoks here.

This was in the box….I see no Ewoks here.

I thought my head would explode.

I entered into the room where my enemy was seated watching television oblivious to the pressures and demands of the holiday season.

“I am going to murder you right now – so be prepared.” I announced holding the wrong Legos in my hand and a box cutter in the other.

Mr. Gaga glanced up at me – unafraid.

“I ASKED YOU TO DO ONE THING!!!” I screamed.  “ONE THING!!”

“AND BECAUSE I TRUSTED YOU TO DO ONE THING!! YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN RUINED CHRISTMAS!!!!”

When I shoved the Rancor Pit LEGOS into Mr. Gaga’s face and demanded an explanation, he answered, “I never heard him say he wanted the Ewok Village,” with not a care in the world.

“You didn’t??” I asked incredulously. “Well – since you pay no attention to what’s going on around here – it’s in FUCKING WRITING to SANTA!!”

I ran upstairs and found Michael’s letter to Santa and came down with it and threw it at Mr. Gaga hysterically.

He read the letter serenely.

He looked up and shrugged.

“Well – I never knew he wanted that.” he said as he tossed the letter onto the kitchen table.

“I am going to fucking kill you.” I screeched. “I can’t trust you to do anything!!!”

I think at this point he started fighting back and telling me about all of the stuff that he does, but I had blacked out from anger and went to upstairs.

I was beside myself.

How could I fix this?

The next day was Christmas Eve and when I googled the “Ewok Village” I found out it was $250.00

I couldn’t just go out the next day and shell out that much money on an extra gift! And plus – would I even find it?

Then I thought of a great solution!

The one thing that I hated most during the holiday season – might actually save me.

The one being that could actually help me right now – was NOT my husband.

It was in fact …….

 

THE ELF.

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

I wrote in my most elf-like handwriting a elf-ish note about a mix-up in Santa’s workshop – and would Michael please forgive the elf for mixing things up….

He accepted the mix up – Thank you JESUS!!

I decided to speak to Mr. Gaga the next day – because otherwise Christmas would be completely destroyed.  I have to remember for next year – that he LITERALLY cannot do ONE thing related to Christmas or everything will be ruined and we will get divorced.

And it’s not just me.  It’s women across the land.

Men just don’t seem to engage in the holiday hustle bustle.

Why would they??? We do EVERYTHING for them!!

Are they assholes?

Or are we?

I work in a retail environment and if I had a dime for every woman throughout December bought herself something and told me she was putting the item into her own stocking…..

We have even given up on the men actually buying OUR gifts!!

One year I gave Mr. Gaga no direction and thought “If he loves me then he must pay attention to what I enjoy and like and he will get me something that I really deserve and love.”

Guess what he put in my stocking that year!

Just guess!

I will give you a hint….

It’s large enough to fill most of the stocking…..

It’s orange……

It rhymes with “Boda”

 

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

“WHAT. THE. FUCK?”

We almost got divorced that year.

“But you really like orange soda!” Mr. Gaga said as his defense.

“I can buy my own soda – you fucking asshole!” I screeched as I threw the soda out the window and buried my head under a blanket and cried.

I cancelled stockings after that in order to save my sanity and my marriage.

And now I have learned that hints and suggestions are for the best.

And now my heart soars that he even picked up the hint.

Gift cards are welcome here.

(Preferably to places that I frequent.)

And thank God Mr. Gaga actually realizes that after 19 years of togetherness.

I was showered with gift certificates, the kids were showered with various games and toys, Michael was showered with the WRONG LEGOS and all is right with the world.

FA LA LA LA LA.  Until next year…..

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