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Raising the (Salad) Bar


Kids today are just so goddamn dependent on their parents.  They are helpless overindulged little beings.

We have created this.

Parents today have hovered and helicoptered so much that we have rendered these poor innocent children so completely and utterly paralyzed that we don’t even know what they are capable of.

I saw this first-hand this week.

Goopville Moms decided to put forth a great effort to affect change in the school food program.  This effort manifested itself this year with the PTO purchase of 11 salad bars (one for each elementary school in town) which would be wheeled out and utilized every Wednesday.

“Children will have fresh salad once a week!” the PTO rejoiced.

SaladBarwh

Even though there is fake fruit and vegetables on the top – the actual salad bar is quite pitiful….

With these amazing developments came a request from the PTO for parent volunteers to man the salad bar.  Each Wednesday 2 parents would have to commit 2 solid hours of their day to doling out lettuce to rotten children.  Needless to say I was on the list of parents to contact regarding this.

“So – why do we have to be cafeteria workers?” I asked calmly to the Salad mom in charge.

“Oh – it’s fun! It’s so nice to see all of the children enjoying the salad bar!” she answered cheerfully -not really answering why my life had been boiled down to a school cafeteria employee.

I agreed to a couple of days in the beginning of the year and marked my calendar.

This week – after the hustle bustle of the holidays was officially over I felt like I could breathe.

The house got cleaned and slightly organized.  I hit the gym.  I made dinners. I washed clothes.

All was right with the Gaga world.

I was browsing through my phone checking out my calendar Wednesday night when I saw something alarming.

Oh dear...

Oh dear…I didn’t do that….

“Oh my God the “Salad Bar Mom” is going to kill me!” I thought. Hopefully the other mom on duty held it together.   I ran to the bottom of the stairs and called up to the kids who were in bed.

“KIDS!!  HOW WAS THE SALAD BAR TODAY???”

“Fine!” they called down disinterestedly.

“Was anyone there?!” I called.

“Nobody!” they answered.

Oh no.

“WAS LETTUCE FLYING EVERYWHERE???” I called up frantically.

“NO!”

“WERE PEOPLE SMASHING TOMATOES ON THE FLOOR?”

“NO!”

“WERE PEOPLE PUTTING THEIR HANDS IN THE OLIVES AND PUTTING THEM ON THEIR FINGERS?”

“WERE KIDS CRYING?”

“NO!!”

“DID ANYONE LIGHT THE SALAD BAR ON FIRE?”

“DID KIDS TAKE ALL THE VEGETABLES AND MAKE HATS WITH THEM?”

20114515-1206-bigstock_Kid_with_salad_and_tomato_hat__15442769

“NO MOM!”

“DID BIG FAT OBESE CHILDREN TAKE TOO MUCH SALAD??”

This could be catastrophic!

This could be catastrophic!

“DID ANYONE WHEEL THE SALAD BAR DOWN THE HALLWAY AS FAST AS THEY COULD AND THROW IT OUT INTO THE SNOW?”

“NO MOM!!!! NOTHING HAPPENED!” they answered with annoyance.

Hmmm – the other mother didn’t show up either and nothing happened.

Nobody even noticed.

The whole next day went by and the salad bar mother didn’t even contact me.

“I think this a major development!” I told Mr. Gaga excitedly. “By not showing up- I forced hundreds of children to be resourceful and pick up their own cucumbers with a pair of tongs and they succeeded!!”

“Don’t try to twist your negligence into something other than what it was….” he reprimanded.

I rolled my eyes as I texted the salad bar mother to apologize but to let her know that everything ran smoothly and there was nothing to worry about.

She was not impressed with my experiment.

She had heard that some children had eaten salad without dressing because they didn’t know how to get it.

“See?” Mr. Gaga confirmed, “You dropped the ball,” he said shaking his head – mocking me.

“I dropped the ball? I screeched.

“Do you know that just this week a girl Sam’s age dug herself out of a plane crash that killed her family and traveled barefoot through the woods to rescue herself??” I demanded.

“And I am supposed to feel bad that these useless brats didn’t have enough ranch dressing on their lettuce?”

Mr. Gaga shrugged.

He doesn’t want to admit the facts.

Our children are capable of doing a lot more than they do.  How will we know what they are capable of if we don’t let them try?

Next year Michael and his classmates will be in fifth grade!! They are going to start going through puberty!

Will they have pubic hair and body odor and I will be cutting their meat for them?

Is this what Michelle Obama envisioned when she started her healthy food in schools initiative?

You're cute - now go get your own damn salad....

You’re cute – now go get your own damn salad….

That grown-ass children with their periods would be waiting for me to sprinkle croutons on their salads for them?

Do you think the Tiger Moms in China are scooping chickpeas all day?

"You guys are assholes..."

“You guys are assholes…”

It will be interesting to find out what children can really do – and I am going to know the answers soon, because after this salad bar experiment I decided I am really going to try not to do anything for my kids ever again…..

I will let you all know how it goes!!

Happy 2015!

VOTE FOR ME FOR LIBERATING CHILDREN AND THEIR HELICOPTER PARENTS ACROSS THE LAND BY CLICKING THE BANNER BELOW!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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WHAT I LEARNED IN 2014


Every year – I review my top blog posts of the year just to give a recap of all that was important and funny to us each month….

I love doing this for two reasons – One is that I get to really take a look back at what resonated with my readers and two is that quite frankly I have amnesia – so it’s a nice way for me to remember what I did for twelve months…..

In January I learned that I am not the only one that is disturbed by what is considered “news” in this country.

This was one of my most popular posts of the year and 149 people commented on it!!  I noticed that the news that week was all about stuff that’s not news at all.

Included but not limited to a statement put out by the Sesame Street PR team saying that the Sesame Street residents were going to be making healthier choices in 2014.

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

 

The news reporting throughout the year didn’t get much better – but at least we had a good laugh about it….

In February I learned that I can’t just eat and drink with reckless abandon.

We had some snow days and I ended up milling about inside just eating and drinking.
I made a delectable French Onion soup in my crock pot and drank a vat of wine one weekend….

And then I looked in the mirror.

 

 

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes....

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes….

In March I learned that the “Common core is a piece of shit….

As Michael’s third grade math homework got more and more detail-oriented I lost interest completely.  Both kids were expected to show their work for each math question and math problems that took us 5 minutes in the 1980’s now take children hours to complete.

Sam especially got frustrated when he had to fill out a sheet of missing numbers in a pattern and write a sentence explaining how he knew which numbers were missing:

 

 

 

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

So many of you commented that you felt the same frustration as me and Sam and Michael – this warmed my heart.

 

In April I learned that if I fell ill – everyone would survive…

I could not get out of bed for a couple of days and life went on without me.  Mr. Gaga was very doting and helpful.  However the children wore the same clothes for days and survived on inappropriate food choices….

One night I could hear Mr. Gaga say “Sure – No problem!” after Sam requested chicken fingers, hot dogs and a cheeseburger for dinner…

"Caarrottss.." I squeaked out...."and just one entree." I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

“Caarrottss..” I squeaked out….”and just one entree.” I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

In May I learned that I miss Jane Fonda - and so do you….

I know that I eat too much and drink too much.

I know that I should be working out harder to burn off all of these calories – but I am sick and tired of all of this Crossfit and bootcamp bullshit – and I learned that many of you are too!! What happened to the good old days in the 1980’s when our mothers just power-walked and did Jane Fonda floor exercises and were skinny??

Why does our generation of women have to toss tires around and do these vile exercises called “burpees” to not be obese??

I usually just do

I usually just do step 1 and then step 5 and hope nobody noticed……

In June I learned that children can be evil....

When I abruptly had to drop what I was doing and bring Michael to school one morning with no makeup on – one of Sam’s classmates asked him why I had so many wrinkles.

The horror of that day has not worn off yet….

I mean I am pretty banged up - but not really that wrinkled per se......

I mean I am pretty banged up – but not really that wrinkled per se……

In July I learned that Hershey Park is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Being the great mother that I am – A friend and I took our kids to Hershey Park and were very disappointed.

The highlight of that trip was when a middle-aged woman came shooting out of a water slide tunnel missing her bathing suit bottoms while I waited patiently for my kids right in perfect view of her bits and pieces….

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened....

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened….

In August I learned that parents today have too much time on their hands.

I dread the end of summer and I vowed to not get pressured into anything that I don’t feel comfortable with during the 2014 start of school.

I included in my list of things I WILL NOT DO EVER – a crafty idea that some parents are doing which is decorate your child’s sandwich bag.

So instead of interacting with other children - kids will sit in the caf completing some maze that their dick-head parents made....

So the idea here is that instead of interacting with other children – kids will sit in the cafeteria completing some maze that their dick-head parents made….

In September I learned that even a 2 minute movie preview can wreak havoc on our quality of life….

When Warner Brothers decided to play the trailer to their movie Annabelle during the Today Show commercials – my children were traumatized for weeks.

We had just splurged and bought a new bed but I had no sleep because Michael was in my bed crying every night….

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

In October I learned that there are ways to avoid Ebola

Everyone was talking about Ebola in the fall and I was extra careful in my attempts to stay Ebola-free.  I shared some of my great ideas with all of you – so that we could all stay healthy and safe.

Especially during the Halloween season – it’s best to not consume any home-made items or loose candies that are not in a package….

If you get any of these "Ebola Balls" or loose candy corns .....throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

If you get any of these “Ebola Balls” or loose candy corns …..throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

In November I learned that the “Elf” creators are money-hungry bitches….

I just hate the Elf and it’s creators.  In November these greedy bitches took things a step too far by creating a “Birthday Elf.”  It’s not enough that we run around playing their reindeer games all of December – waking up in cold sweats each night realizing we forgot to hide the elf.

Now these people want us to buy the “Birthday Elf” so that the Elf can visit your child for his or her birthday to the tune of $19.99.

I find this highly offensive.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

In December I learned that I can use the “Elf” for good after all.….

In a cruel twist of fate when Mr. Gaga’s irresponsible behavior threatened to destroy Christmas, I relied on the Elf to save the day.  I used him to get an important message to Michael regarding a LEGO mixup at Santa’s workshop and it worked.

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

We survived Christmas without a divorce and the Elf is safely put away until next November.

I am so grateful to have had another full year of blogging under my belt and especially grateful to you all that keep tuning in to read each Sunday night or Monday morning….

THANKS FOR READING AND HERE’S TO A GREAT 2015!! xoxo, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!

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Joy to the Girls


My young pregnant and somewhat newly married cousin was upset with her husband on Christmas Eve.

“What’s wrong?” her mother asked.

“Well I was upset because I like wrapped everything and Bob didn’t help me.” she answered indignantly.

laughing

When we all stopped laughing we broke the news to her.

He will never help during the holidays….It will only get much worse.” we warned her.

She stared back at us with unbelieving eyes.

She will have to learn the hard way.  She will soon learn that Christmas time is a treacherous time that can almost end in divorce if you are not careful.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her just how bad it will be.  You will not only be upset that you will wrap every single gift yourself.

How do you think those gifts will even get to your house? Do you think that your husband will go get them?  Do you think he will give one ounce of thought towards gifts for his flesh and blood children? Or his family?

No he won’t.

I personally thought of each and every gift that would be given and I personally went to purchase each item.  When I couldn’t find what I needed  I would search online and buy items at night while Mr. Gaga and the children slept with sugar plums dancing in their heads.

I only asked Mr. Gaga to do one thing.

Michael had asked Santa for a very expensive Lego Set.  I had ordered it right after Thanksgiving because I am very efficient.

I noticed that the package had arrived one day when I got home from work.  I discreetly asked Mr. Gaga to hide the box somewhere so the kids wouldn’t find it.

“When you hide the box – will you just peek in to make sure it’s the right Legos for Michael?” I asked, as I wasn’t entirely sure that I had gotten the right set.  The kids are obsessed with all Star Wars related Legos – and Michael had requested an Ewok Village, and I wasn’t entirely sure I had gotten the right item.

When Mr. Gaga came up from the basement later – he assured me that the Legos in the box were the right ones.

Fast forward to December 23rd.

My back was broken while I wrapped the 50th gift.  Mr. Gaga was watching television in the kitchen enjoying his life.

I opened up the box that the LEGOS came in.  I pulled out the box that was supposed to be an Ewok Village.

This was in the box....I see no Ewoks here.

This was in the box….I see no Ewoks here.

I thought my head would explode.

I entered into the room where my enemy was seated watching television oblivious to the pressures and demands of the holiday season.

“I am going to murder you right now – so be prepared.” I announced holding the wrong Legos in my hand and a box cutter in the other.

Mr. Gaga glanced up at me – unafraid.

“I ASKED YOU TO DO ONE THING!!!” I screamed.  “ONE THING!!”

“AND BECAUSE I TRUSTED YOU TO DO ONE THING!! YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN RUINED CHRISTMAS!!!!”

When I shoved the Rancor Pit LEGOS into Mr. Gaga’s face and demanded an explanation, he answered, “I never heard him say he wanted the Ewok Village,” with not a care in the world.

“You didn’t??” I asked incredulously. “Well – since you pay no attention to what’s going on around here – it’s in FUCKING WRITING to SANTA!!”

I ran upstairs and found Michael’s letter to Santa and came down with it and threw it at Mr. Gaga hysterically.

He read the letter serenely.

He looked up and shrugged.

“Well – I never knew he wanted that.” he said as he tossed the letter onto the kitchen table.

“I am going to fucking kill you.” I screeched. “I can’t trust you to do anything!!!”

I think at this point he started fighting back and telling me about all of the stuff that he does, but I had blacked out from anger and went to upstairs.

I was beside myself.

How could I fix this?

The next day was Christmas Eve and when I googled the “Ewok Village” I found out it was $250.00

I couldn’t just go out the next day and shell out that much money on an extra gift! And plus – would I even find it?

Then I thought of a great solution!

The one thing that I hated most during the holiday season – might actually save me.

The one being that could actually help me right now – was NOT my husband.

It was in fact …….

 

THE ELF.

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

I wrote in my most elf-like handwriting a elf-ish note about a mix-up in Santa’s workshop – and would Michael please forgive the elf for mixing things up….

He accepted the mix up – Thank you JESUS!!

I decided to speak to Mr. Gaga the next day – because otherwise Christmas would be completely destroyed.  I have to remember for next year – that he LITERALLY cannot do ONE thing related to Christmas or everything will be ruined and we will get divorced.

And it’s not just me.  It’s women across the land.

Men just don’t seem to engage in the holiday hustle bustle.

Why would they??? We do EVERYTHING for them!!

Are they assholes?

Or are we?

I work in a retail environment and if I had a dime for every woman throughout December bought herself something and told me she was putting the item into her own stocking…..

We have even given up on the men actually buying OUR gifts!!

One year I gave Mr. Gaga no direction and thought “If he loves me then he must pay attention to what I enjoy and like and he will get me something that I really deserve and love.”

Guess what he put in my stocking that year!

Just guess!

I will give you a hint….

It’s large enough to fill most of the stocking…..

It’s orange……

It rhymes with “Boda”

 

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

“WHAT. THE. FUCK?”

We almost got divorced that year.

“But you really like orange soda!” Mr. Gaga said as his defense.

“I can buy my own soda – you fucking asshole!” I screeched as I threw the soda out the window and buried my head under a blanket and cried.

I cancelled stockings after that in order to save my sanity and my marriage.

And now I have learned that hints and suggestions are for the best.

And now my heart soars that he even picked up the hint.

Gift cards are welcome here.

(Preferably to places that I frequent.)

And thank God Mr. Gaga actually realizes that after 19 years of togetherness.

I was showered with gift certificates, the kids were showered with various games and toys, Michael was showered with the WRONG LEGOS and all is right with the world.

FA LA LA LA LA.  Until next year…..

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Parenting (Christmas Movie Style)


Is there anything better than Christmas movies to get into the holiday spirit?

Aside from getting me in the mood for gift-giving and eggnog drinking festivities, Christmas movies have a way of making me look like the best parent in the world.

What if we just could live our life behaving like these holiday movie parents??

#1 – We could leave our children home alone and go on vacation:

In the movie “Home Alone” Kevin is left home alone to fend for himself when his parents go to Paris with the rest of the family and forget him.

Not only was he left home with no parental supervision but apparently had access to firearms and torches.

Home-Alone

Here, poor Kevin uses a readily available torch to light a burglar on fire....

Here, poor Kevin uses a readily available torch to light a burglar on fire….

 

#2 – If we are actually home with the kids – we can pay them no attention – even if they leave in the middle of the night.

Although the concept of the Polar Express is very cute and warms my heart, as a mother I have to wonder….where are this kid’s parents???

So a creepy waxy cartoon-ish Tom Hanks comes to your door in the middle of the night and kidnaps your kid and you don’t notice??

Bad Parenting.

polarexpress

#3 – We could let our kids eat whatever they want:

In the movie “Elf” – Buddy’s parents are taken aback by his choice of spaghetti with maple syrup but just stare and watch as he drenches his dinner with syrup and eats it.

How wonderful life would be if my kids could just make bad food choices all the time and I could ignore it and just enjoy my meal.

food groups

 

#4 – Christmas traditions don’t have to be held so sacred:

Usually purchasing and putting up a Christmas tree in the Gaga household – involves some divorce papers     very bad fighting   Mr. Gaga sleeping on the couch    

bickering.

I think much of the problems stem from the pressures of the tradition of cutting down the perfect tree and enjoying the experience of it.

If we could just swing by a Christmas tree lot and treat it like any old parking lot in the hood – I think we would all feel a lot better about everything…

For example, in Lethal Weapon they did a drug deal and a shooting in the Christmas tree lot – and everyone was totally fine with that….

Not exactly ideal Christmas tree behavior - but not the end of the world....

Not exactly ideal Christmas tree behavior – but not the end of the world….

 

#5 – We could shove something into our child’s mouth so they will shut the fuck up with no regard for poisoning or choking:

xmas story soap

Anytime I attempt to talk on the phone my children choose that time to speak to me or get in a loud fight with each other.
In the movie “A Christmas Story” Ralphie’s mother shoves soap in his mouth after he curses.  How luxurious life would be if I could just shove a huge poisonous item filled with Red Dye #40 into their mouth and continue on with my phone call.

#6 – We could tell teachers what we really think:

I have mentioned how I leave my children’s parent-teacher conferences and actually have no clue what is going on.  I have had a few teachers that I felt were lackluster at best and were really only there to have summers off.

What if I could, like George Bailey, just call them up and give them a piece of my mind?  In “It’s a Wonderful Life,”  George Bailey comes home after a rough day – screams at all of his kids, kicks a table filled with Christmas presents and then gets on the phone and tells off his daughter’s teacher.

george-bailey-on-the-phone

Mrs. Welch? This is Mr. Bailey! Say, what kind of teacher are you, anyway? Why did you send Zuzu home like that, without her coat buttoned up? Do you realize she’ll probably end up with pneumonia just because of your stupidity?

 

#7 – We can exhibit poor driving manners in front of our children:

I am very bad at keeping my feelings to myself.

When I drive and people act like huge douchebags I try very hard to bite my tongue.

I try to not just scream out – “YOU FUCKING CUNT!”

Because apparently that’s not appropriate in front of small children.

But when I am alone…..

all bets are off.

Here Clark Griswold just lives life on the edge and gives the finger while he drives with his whole family.

He’s my hero!

tumblr_me5x8raCWl1qzyfvyo1_500

#8- We could destroy stuff out of frustration in front of our entire family:

One more Clark Griswold because I love him:

In National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Clark Griswold attempts to decorate his home with millions of outdoor Christmas lights.  When the whole family goes outside to see the display and nothing lights up – he loses his temper and beats up Santa and his reindeer.

giphyclark

 

 

XO, Merry Christmas – Love, Lady Goo Goo Gaga

WINNERS OF LADY’S FAVORITE THINGS!!!

JUDI SALZILLO – LAURA MERCIER MAKEUP

AMY DUPREY – MOROCCAN OIL

CHRISTINE COHEN – CANDLES

PLEASE EMAIL ME AT LADYGOOGOOGAGA2011@GMAIL.COM so I can send prizes!!!!

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THE RETURN OF THE ELF


Because I have publicly announced my disdain for “the Elf” people feel compelled to torture me with pictures of what their elf is doing.

This week I received two texts that included alarming pictures of what these asshole elves are doing around Goopville.

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently this Goopville elf binge-eats at night....

Apparently this Goopville elf binge-eats at night….

 

Apparently this elf takes huge shits on cookies....

Apparently this elf takes huge shits on cookies….

 

What are we doing??

Am I the only one who finds this whole practice a gross misplacement of our intelligence and cleverness?

It’s infuriating!!!

In honor of this treacherous and horrific time – a mere ten days before Christmas Eve -i am reposting my original Elf blog that parents across the land thoroughly enjoyed last year.

In case anyone is confused about my feelings about “the Elf” …..I hate your elf – and if you’re making your elf do obnoxious shit – I hate you too.

Enjoy!!!

—————————————————————————————————————————

 

Dear Carol Aebersold and twin daughters, Christa and Chanda, (Elf on the Shelf Creators),

I am so sorry to disturb you at this time of year.

I am sure you are quite busy counting all of the multi-millions you have made on your adorable little Elf idea.   Right now this letter might find you drinking a Mai Tai in the Turks and Caicos or maybe you are doing some 5th Avenue Christmas shopping at Tiffany’s and Bergdorf Goodman.

Well, I hope you are enjoying your luxurious lifestyle.

While you sip champagne and shop for Louboutins the rest of us are running around like fucking assholes dousing our kitchens with flour so that the “elf can make snow angels” and pretending that our elf is on a “wrecking ball.”

Yes, I had Miley Cyrus in mind when I did this.....

Yes, I had Miley Cyrus in mind when I did this…..

But look at how one of my new favorite bloggers, Lil Blue Boo, took it one step further!!!!

elfmiley

This elf has a foam finger!!!!!

Anyways – Carol, Christa and Chanda,while I admire your tenacity and ambition, let’s face facts. Your invention is a thinly veiled attempt at “creating magic for children,” when in fact what you have actually done is create yet another guilt-inducer for mothers across America.

I have mentioned before how I sell bras part-time, and I have mentioned how I try to be like Clark Griswold and create magic at Christmas for my family.

Every day during December, I deal with angry entitled “bra customers,” then I rush home to do laundry, cook and clean.

I, along with most mothers, add to my regular tasks, baking, wrapping, Christmas shopping, Christmas movie watching, holiday decorating, visits with Santa, Christmas tree shopping and fighting with Mr. Gaga. (a true holiday tradition.)

When I finally lay my head down each night to “settle my brain for a long winter’s nap” I always start to doze off quickly. Each night, just before I drift off into a deep sleep I will suddenly remember…and sit straight up in bed, breaking into a cold sweat….

FUCK!!!! I FORGOT ABOUT THE ELF!!!!!

FUCK!!!! I FORGOT ABOUT THE ELF!!!!!

EVERY. NIGHT.

Are you happy now?

Thanks to you, we have to deal with this North Pole motherfucker from Thanksgiving to Christmas.

Like everything else in modern-day motherhood, elf activities, hiding spots and inappropriate habits have become a new competition.  Mothers snap photos of their sneaky little “elves” doing silly things like banging Barbies and then quickly post on Facebook so we can all see how invested they are in providing the BEST ELF EVER!! for their little brats.

I'll admit this is good....

I’ll admit this is good….

Did you ever consider coming up with a lucrative idea that enables you to have success without throwing all mothers in America under the bus until the end of time?

You three think you are just soooo clever don’t you?

You know who’s clever?

The lady who invented the dishwasher is clever.  She helped us all have a prayer of doing something besides cleaning dishes and cutlery all day.

Bethenney Frankel is clever.  She made billions creating entertainment and alcohol with a skinny woman on the bottle to make us feel chic.

The person who invented hand sanitizer is clever.  Enabling us to go to the grocery store, gas station and Disney World without contracting SARS or the Swine Flu.

The inventor of Spanx is clever, she created a way for us to hide our muffin tops so we could leave the house feeling better about our bodies.

The list goes on and on of women who came up with great ideas and inventions that have ultimately helped women and families.

But guess who is not going on that list?

You!!!

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute....All I see here are three twats with double chins....

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute….All I see here are three twats with double chins….

You three bitches will go down in history as the assholes who made millions by creating extra work for parents during the busy holiday season.

Don’t even think about telling me that it’s a tool to help the kids to behave either.

Earlier I got a quick snapshot of the regular goings-on in the Gaga household.

kids2

Please note the kids are wrestling in front of a table that is housing a nativity scene as well as the elf…..

Nobody cares.

When the elf arrives the kids try to behave for like two days  one day  one hour 

Nobody cares.

In closing, I just want to tell you one last time that you have to live with yourselves knowing that you have caused annoyance and headaches for parents across the land.

Also, my elf has something to say….

Picture

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Lady’s Favorite Things 2014


I can’t believe it’s time for this but apparently Christmas is in 2 1/2 weeks!!

So I mentioned a couple of weeks ago that the local mall where we normally visit Santa had been bombarded with little brats singing “Let it Go,” due to the Frozen themed palace in place.

Someone had mentioned that our local Stew Leonard’s store had a Santa so I thought that seemed like a quick fix.

If you are not familiar with Stew Leonard’s it is a local grocery store chain that is known for fresh delicious prepared foods and also it has lots of attractions for children so they don’t torture you while you are shopping.  

For example when we are at Stop and Shop I have to squeeze my kids’ arms and discretely whisper in their ears that I am going to go home and light all of their toys on fire several times before I can get my shopping done.

At Stew's they can press the cow button and listen to this guy moo really loud, and somehow this is enough entertainment for me to shop without wanting to kill them....

At Stew’s they can press the cow button and listen to it moo really loud, and somehow this is enough entertainment for me to shop without wanting to kill them….

1 – This year the first item on my list of faves is STEW LEONARDS!

As we walked into the store I saw all of the Christmas trees and told Mr. Gaga we should just grab a tree because we would have no time to get one later in the week.  We entered into the tree area and I promptly made one of the tree workers show me every single tree in the entire lot before settling on one.

He didn’t get annoyed or snippy with me like many retail workers do at this time of year and was pleasant and delightful.  They tied the tree to our car for us and the whole encounter was quick and delightful.

I basically made him untie every single tree here and hold each one up and spin it around slowly.....

I basically made him untie every single tree here and hold each one up and spin it around slowly…..

We headed inside to find Santa.  I wasn’t expecting much since we were in the middle of a grocery store.

But as we wandered over to see him where he sat in the floral department.  I had to just stare at him.  I am not an expert but if ever you were to want to see the REAL Santa – this would be the guy.

So the kids walked right up to him because there was NO LINE!  They said “hi” and told him what they wanted…the usual drill.

But then Santa stopped and said “Well we need to talk about a few things.”  There faces were ghostly as Santa started talking about how they fight and use their hands on each other, and how their rooms were a mess, and how they listen at school but the minute they get off the bus they don’t listen anymore.  He went on and on and told them that until they started behaving a little better he was on the fence about the Xbox and the bike they were requesting.

I listened in slack-jawed.  Was this the real Santa? How did he know all of that?

The kids and I walked away in shock that we had just a real live chat with the one and only Santa. I looked for Mr. Gaga to see what he thought but I didn’t see him.

“Where’s your father?” I asked the kids.

They shrugged.

He then sauntered over casually chewing on a sausage bread sample, “Do you want me to get some guacamole?”

“No! Where were you?” I screeched. “We just had an amazing encounter with the real Santa and you’re eating samples?”

He stared at me like I was nuts. “Um..yeah – pretty much.” he answered incredulously.

While I understand the lure of a hot cider doughnut sample or a pull-apart cheesy garlic bread sample – he had just missed an amazing moment.  My anger dissipated when we passed by the lobster bisque sample area.  The creamy delicious soup made me forget to be mad at Mr. Gaga and we finished the rest of our shopping, wandering through the store collecting samples along the way.

The best part is at the end of the trip if you spend more than $100, which is inevitable, you get a free ice cream!  We get the pistachio soft serve and just talk the whole way home about how much we love it.

And today because I told Stew Leonard’s how much I LOVE them – they decided to give one of YOU! a $25 gift card!!!!!  

TO ENTER – LIKE LADY GOO GOO GAGA ON FACEBOOK, SHARE THIS POST ON FACEBOOK AND TELL ME WHAT YOU WILL BUY IF YOU WIN THIS GIFT CARD FROM STEW LEONARD’S!!

#2 – MOROCCAN OIL

I have mentioned several times over the years that my hair is frizzy and a horrific burden in my life.  When our power went out for weeks during Storm Alfred I walked around looking like Gilda Radner and almost had a nervous breakdown.

This is the famous picture of me before I started doing keratin treatments....

This is the famous picture of me before I started using moroccan oil…

One product that I discovered a couple of years ago has significantly changed the texture of my hair for good and it’s Moroccan Oil.

It is like no other hair serum.  Your hair will strengthen and become more manageable.  I don’t know how it happens but it’s like a miracle.  It smells delightful and your hair won’t become greasy and stringy like it might with other inferior products.

I am telling you – this product has changed my life.

The full size retails for $43 and I am offering one lucky winner a travel size bottle!!

To enter to win this please LIKE LADY GOO GOO GAGA,  share this post on FACEBOOK and leave me a comment with your favorite hair product or tip!

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3 – Waterproof Eye makeup:

I said this last year and the year before!!!

So somewhere between the lack of sleep, the aging, the hurried getting ready in the morning and the horrible weather in Connecticut, there comes a need for waterproof eye makeup.

I totally had it together before the kids.  I had my cosmetics routine down pat.

Somehow the new wrinkles and puffs that children brought to my eye area, as well as the lack of time to do nice eye makeup – resulted in a black smudged mascara and liner all around my eyes on the daily.

If you think looking like a heroin addict is a cute look for volunteering at the bake sale, you are mistaken.

The worst is when you don’t even realize you look like a lunatic until you get back into your car and you have already chatted it up with 5 moms and the school principal.

Sure, I would love to set up a playdate! Your house or mine??

Sure a playdate would be great! Your house or mine?

Last year Laura Mercier invented the best eyeliner in the history of eyeliners.  It actually can be worn for days at a time without a smudge!!!  It is gel, it is waterproof and it is the best invention since the DVR.
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I am giving one of you a Laura Mercier Gel Liner in Violet ($20) this week and I am throwing in a Laura Mercier gift with samples including a Blush Lip Glace just because I love you…(see below for details!)

This is the one week a year I spread good cheer on this blog – Don’t worry I will be back to regular business of calling children assholes next week for sure!!!

LIKE LADY GOO GOO GAGA AND SHARE THIS POST ON FACEBOOK!!! AND LEAVE ME A COMMENT BELOW TELLING ME YOUR ABSOLUTE MUST-HAVE CAN’T LIVE WITHOUT COSMETIC!!  THIS WILL ENTER YOU TO WIN the LAURA MERCIER Violet Eyeliner that will change your life and ensure that you don’t look like Marilyn Manson the next time you are stuck in rain running errands…..

#4 – Old Factory Christmas Candles

Are there any smells better than the smells of Christmas?  I am obsessed with filling my home with Christmas soaps, lotions, sprays, and candles.  Is there anything better than walking into your house and smelling fresh gingerbread?  What’s better than going into your bathroom and smelling hot chocolate and candy canes?

So when OLD FACTORY offered to send me their HAPPY HOLIDAYS SOY CANDLE SET I was thrilled!!

I burned the gingerbread candle and it filled my whole kitchen with the smell of joy and happiness.

I am going to give the Candy Cane and the Pine Tree candles to one of you fabulous and lucky people.

LIKE LADY GOO GOO GAGA AND SHARE THIS POST ON FACEBOOK – AND TELL ME YOUR FAVORITE HOLIDAY SCENT TO ENTER TO WIN THESE TWO VOTIVE CANDLES!!!

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1 -IN ORDER TO WIN ANY OF THE PRIZES – YOU MUST LIKE AND SHARE THIS POST ON FACEBOOK!

2 -YOU MUST ALSO LIKE LADY GOO GOO GAGA ON FACEBOOK!

3 – YOU MUST ALSO COMMENT ON WHATEVER I ASKED YOU TO COMMENT ABOUT!

4 -YOU CAN ENTER MORE THAN ONE COMMENT TO WIN MORE THAN ONE ITEM!

 

Winners will be picked randomly (US AND CANADA ONLY) between now and Sunday December 14th at 5 PM!

All of the opinions and mentions are my own opinion and nobody gave me anything!!! (as usual) and I’m just telling you to use these things because I like telling people what to do.

GOOD LUCK AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!  

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

Dear Santa,


I have done everything I am supposed to do.

Sure I occasionally call people twats and I swear at my children every morning when I wake up,  once a week,  only in the car,   occasionally….

But I am a good person and I do my duties.

I believe in myself.

I do what I am supposed to do.   I am very reliable.

I know I will without a doubt complete every task that is laid out for me or that I lay out for myself.

After hosting my annual Thanksgiving morning 5k, I hosted Thanksgiving dinner for 28 people which involved a lot of cooking and figuring out how we were going to cook three turkeys.  One of said turkeys was being delivered fresh and uncooked the night before Thanksgiving by a cousin coming from New York in an ice storm.   I remained calm and collected throughout everything and everything was perfect. I told her to simply put the turkey on the next flight out of NY just to be safe…..

turkey airport

Everything was perfect.

I work in retail so immediately the next day I was in Black Friday mode and last night promptly switched into Christmas mode.

We watched a Christmas movie while stuffing envelopes with the annual Christmas photo card showcasing the handsome Gaga children.

I took the kids to get a tree.  I inspected and smelled every tree until I found the perfect one.  I took obligatory pictures of the kids with pine needles in the background.

We went to see Santa. (Not at the Frozen Palace – I have to draw the line somewhere.)

I am almost done with my Christmas shopping, an I have purchased everyone every gift they have requested or even mentioned in passing. Even for tough requests, come hell or high water, I will find every last item.

I will wrap every gift and hide it until Christmas in a perfect hiding spot or place it under the tree in a perfect formation with all color coded and monochromatic wrapping.

I will go into my recipe box and pull out the dog-eared index cards that were carefully written out by my best friend’s Italian grandmother and break my back making hundreds of Italian cookies.

I will also make sugar cookie dough and let the kids roll out and decorate cookies.

I will buy Christmas themed pajamas for my children so they will be the picture of holiday delight on Christmas morning.

I will host my annual “Cousin’s Christmas”party so that all 25 of us can celebrate together.

I will work in retail for the entire season.  When stressed and frantic women take out their angst on me I will attempt to remain calm and professional and understand that they too are just trying to do it all. When men come to the mall frantically on Christmas Eve throwing cash at me and begging for last minute help – I will pleasantly guide them to a great solution,

I will decorate the tree with my family and if Mr. Gaga fucks up the Christmas season in some fashion I will find a way to hold it together.  I will not murder him.

I will take out your little Elf and despite my disdain for him and his antics – I will hide that fucking asshole every night even though I am tired and have other shit to do…

I will attend holiday parties armed with appetizers and cookies and wine.

I will purchase egg nog even though it’s disgusting and let my kids drink it, and I will make them hot chocolate every time they are outside for an extended period of time in the cold.

I will decorate my home accordingly.  I will place candles around the house that smell like Christmas cookies and pine needles.  I will swap out my soaps for delightful soaps that smell like vanilla sugar and gingerbread men.  I will even buy room sprays that are seasonally appropriate.

Santa if you need to take a huge shit when you are here on Christmas Eve - I've got you covered.

Santa if you need to take a huge shit when you are here on Christmas Eve – I’ve got you covered.

I will bring the children to mass throughout the Christmas season,  we will say “grace” at Christmas dinner , we drive by the church a lot   on Christmas Eve to celebrate the birth of Jesus.

I will remind the children to open up a window on the Advent calendar each night (or sometimes we forget for a few days and open 7 at once.)

I will watch “It’s a Wonderful Life” and cry at the appropriate moments.

I will remind the kids also that Christmas is a time to think about those who are less fortunate and we will buy a new unwrapped toy and place it in the Toys for Tots bin.

I will do all of this.  I know I will.  I believe in myself.

And everyone in this house knows that I will do all of this.  They believe in me too.

But I don’t want to believe in myself. I am tired Santa.

I want to believe in you.

I am hoping and praying for your magic to happen for me this year.

I am wishing for a few things that I know you can make happen…..

I believe in you Santa.

So that being said…..

I want a driver.  He doesn’t have to be fancy in a fancy driver outfit and he doesn’t have to even drive a town car or limo.  I just want to wake up Christmas morning and know that someone else will be driving these children to where they need to go and also I need him to drive me to work ….oh and occasionally go to get milk.

If this guy knows how to get around Goopville - he's hired.

If this guy knows how to get around Goopville – he’s hired.

Santa, I would also like a huge closet filled with clothes and shoes.

I don’t want to shop for them.  I don’t even really care what they are.

I just want to get ready to go somewhere and look into my closet and not say “I have nothing to wear.”

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Something like this would be good – but without all that pink shit – just all black clothing will do.

I would like a whole new face and body.  I don’t want to have to actually have a tummy tuck, boob job and face lift though….

I just want to wake up without puffs and wrinkles and tits that hang down to my socks.

I also would like my hair to remain brown without dying it constantly and in between dye jobs sweeping it with mascara as a quick fix.

I don't want to look crazy....But this would be good.  Thank you Santa.

I don’t want to look crazy….But this would be good. Also I would like to drink gallons of wine and lots of Christmas cookies with no repercussions.  Thank you Santa.

I wanted to ask for one more thing but I couldn’t put my finger on it.

I asked Mr. Gaga – “I am writing a list to Santa – what should I ask for.”

Without skipping a beat he stared at me and said “I don’t know….a sexual drive?”

So I guess I will throw that in there for poor Mr. Gaga – but there I go again – doing things for other people Santa!

Anyways – I love you and believe in you…

Don’t let me down.

Yours truly,

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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