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Category Archives: play dates

The Sunday of Summer


The end of summer is coming.

I can smell it in the air.  As my favorite season threatens to come to a close, I find myself waking earlier than I should each morning in a panic.  I have begun to think about the start of school and I have started to worry about things that I haven’t worried about since June.

august

I have one more week of freedom so I am going to FORCE myself to continue to enjoy the summer and to ignore those worries that are starting to creep into my subconscious.  I will ignore the mental list I have begun to make regarding school supplies, after school activities and birthday parties that I need to RSVP for.

In order to preserve my mental health I am going to continue to enjoy all of the stuff that I have been loving and obsessing over this summer which include but are not limited to the following:

#1 The Ice Bucket Challenge: – This is just sheer genius.  The National ALS Foundation stated that it has raised ten million dollars in the past two weeks!!!  It’s fun and it’s for a good cause.

Also, as a side note those people whose pictures you stalk on Facebook have now come to life.  Now you can watch and hear someone who you haven’t seen in twenty-five years.  You can listen to their voice and watch them interact with their kids and most of all you can watch them get drenched with ice water.  What is not to love about this?

#2 – Paddle Board – I desperately wanted to get a paddleboard for myself so I could pretend I was Cameron Diaz for the kids.  My father surprised us for Christmas with one and it is the best beach activity ever.  It provides endless fun for the children and even though in my mind I look like a svelte celebrity straight out of the pages of US Weekly, in fact I look like this – most of the time:

kimk

I don’t really care.  I love it.

#3 – Summer reading: Is there anything better than getting off of your paddle board and plopping down into your beach chair and reading books about people in beach houses and summer homes filled with scandal??  No there’s not.

These two books brought me great joy this summer:

 

pool liars

 

#4 – Game of Crowns:    After a long day of ignoring my children, pretending I am a celebrity paddle boarding in Maui, and reading about imaginary people in their summer homes, I just really need something relaxing at night.  This is why I have been thoroughly enjoying the new show on Bravo, Game of Crowns.

This show features married women who compete in pageants.  One of the stars of the show is the former Mrs. Connecticut and Mrs. America.

I like to watch this show and imagine what I would do if I was Mrs. America or Mrs. Connecticut.

The real Mrs. America is very sweet and down-to-earth and is a mother to four children.

She doesn't let the sash or crown go to her head...But I am not so sure I would be able to stay grounded.

She doesn’t let the sash or crown go to her head…But I am not so sure I would be able to stay grounded.  I would totally wear this outfit to the PTO Meeting at my kids’ school.

I wouldn’t love doing those pageants.

I wouldn’t love not eating anything so I could fit into my swimsuit.

I wouldn’t love being friends with other lunatic pageant women.

What I would love is just announcing to people that I was Mrs. America.

If Mr. Gaga asked me if I washed his underwear, I could just say “No – sorry – I am Mrs. America and Mrs. America doesn’t do laundry.”

Moms who call for playdates would be told that “Because I am Mrs. America I really don’t have time for playdates.”

Birthday party invites could go directly in the garbage…”Sorry – since I am Mrs. America I have very important work to do on Saturdays and Sundays for America and my kids will be with me…”

Even when my own kids asked me for shit I could say “Do you know who I am?? I am MRS. AMERICA!” Go outside and don’t come back until dinner time.”

Those baseball games that I don’t watch.  Nobody could accuse me of being a bad mother because I would simply explain to them that as MRS. AMERICA I had very important America stuff to do that required me to miss the games completely.

Oh it would be glorious.

#5 – Baked Potato Salad and Grilled Cheese:

When I’m not reading, fantasizing about pageants, or floating out to sea on the paddleboard, I am generally drinking alcoholic beverages or eating food.  This summer we have made lots of delicious foods but a couple of dishes have stood out.

This potato salad is made with baked potatoes, chives, sour cream, cheddar cheese and bacon.

I mean I don’t know what else I can say about it except that it is basically heaven on a fork (and I don’t even like potatoes.)

potatoes

And then there’s this tomato, basil and mozzarella grilled cheese that I have made like three times this summer….I mean I just can’t get enough.

caprese

And then there’s the s’mores brownies….

smores

These recipes can otherwise be known as “Reasons why I am NOT Mrs. America” – but I am going to continue this life of bliss and peace for one more week……

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME – EVEN IF I AM NOT THE REAL MRS. AMERICA I AM AT LEAST THE FUNNIEST! MOM IN AMERICA

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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The best playdate ever….


Mr. Gaga is a birthday party lover.

He feels that our children should attend every party that they are invited to for fear that the birthday child in question will not have a nice birthday due to low party attendance.

Therefore, as I have mentioned before, while I repeatedly attempt to destroy birthday party invitations by lighting them on fire or flushing them down the toilet – he will always catch me and insist that we RSVP “Yes” to every party.

Sometimes if I am feeling charitable I stick the invites in my old wine bottles and send them out to sea so some other poor soul can enjoy them...

Sometimes if I am feeling charitable I stick the invites in my old wine bottles and send them out to sea so some other poor soul can enjoy them…

When Sam received an invite for the day after the last day of school I just didn’t think that we could commit to that.   The child was not really a good friend of Sam’s so I didn’t feel obligated.  We didn’t know the parents so I had no problem throwing the invite in the garbage. The day after the last day of school we are usually running around going to social engagements or going to the beach for the weekend, anyways.

Mr. Gaga wouldn’t hear of it.   I had to work during the day, and I asked Mr. Gaga if he really was going to feel like bringing Sam to a party on a Friday evening at 5 PM.  He confirmed that he would definitely be available for that.

That day I came home around 7 PM.   Just the time that the party was set to be over.

Mr. Gaga, Michael and Sam were lounging around watching television and the gift was sitting in front of the door where I had left it in the morning.

“Um, what happened with the party?”  I asked.

They all looked at me with a shocked look.  Mr. Gaga jumped up in despair.

“Oh my God! I totally forgot! We were relaxing and we totally forgot!” he said hysterically.

Because I am tortured by Mr. Gaga I had visions of the child alone surrounded by balloons and cake with no friends at his party.  What if nobody could attend and he was counting on Sam to be there? Sam is beloved by the children in his class and many mothers have exclaimed to me that Sam is their child’s “best friend!” when we don’t even know who they are.

What if this was one of those kids that loves Sam and wanted him to be there?

We were horrible people!!

We destroyed his birthday!

We possibly destroyed his life!!

sad

I launched into action and ran into the basement to explore my shelf filled with toys and gifts that we never opened.  I keep this shelf readily available for this type of occasion when an emergency gift is needed.

I cleared off the shelf and frantically started wrapping gifts.

I ran upstairs with all of the gifts and grabbed the original gift and urged Sam to get his shoes on.  I googled the boy’s name and address.

“Come on, we will bring his gift to his house and apologize.” I told Sam.

We loaded the gifts into the car and peeled out of the driveway.

When we pulled up to the address it looked as though nobody was home.

“Oh good – we will just leave a note with the gifts,” I told Sam as we got out of the car and he rang the doorbell.

Lo and behold the family was home.

“No worries!” the mother exclaimed when I apologized profusely as I shoved gifts into her foyer.

“No – we are so sorry! We feel horrible!!” I said emphatically as I placed the gifts at the little boys feet.

“Don’t be silly!” she said nicely as she looked at the pile of gifts, “and we don’t need all of these gifts.”

Gift boxes-110

 

“Oh no – these were his gifts anyways.” I said casually.

“No really – we can’t take all of these gifts.” she pleaded.

“No – don’t be crazy!  These were totally his gifts!!” I said as I turned to leave.

And just when I was just about in the clear…

“So maybe we can do a playdate this summer!” she called after me.

Normally I find myself maneuvering ways out of these torture hours playdates – but this time I had an excuse.

“Oh sorry – we will be at the Connecticut shore for the summer,” I said softly pretending to be disappointed.

“So will we!” she exclaimed.  “We will be there for two weeks! We can get together down there!”

Oh Lord – why is that when I do a good deed of showering a small child with millions of presents am I punished????

“Ok – definitely contact me when you are there!” I said cheerfully, ushering Sam out the door.

I thought nothing of it – because clearly what kind of sadomasochistic maniac would really remember on their family vacation to schedule a playdate with a perfect stranger who forgot your child’s birthday?

Then I received an email with the subject line “BEACH PLAYDATE.”

She was asking if we could schedule a playdate on the beach.  I quickly shot that down because I don’t like a playdate on the grass or on the floors of my home – so I sure as hell don’t like one on the fucking sandy beach where I can be relaxing and enjoying life.

“How about we meet at the carousel and ice cream shop tomorrow night?” I wrote back kindly.

I had plans to go to an early dinner with some family and I could head to the carousel for ice cream after that.  She agreed to the plan.

The next day was a perfect ten.

I was supposed to leave for dinner at 5 and I was regretting my decision.  I wanted to stay on the beach until the last possible minute.  Thankfully we were just going to a lobster roll shack, so at 4:40 I headed home to grab my wallet and threw a sundress on over my bathing suit.

After dinner I rushed back home.  I got home at 6:40 and was supposed to meet these people at the carousel at 7.  I quickly showered, got dressed and pulled into the carousel at 6:58!

I was very proud of myself.  I had gotten ready very quickly and also I was a very good person for agreeing to this.  I knew that this little boy would be happy to see Sam and the mother would forgive me for missing her child’s birthday so it was all worth it.  My good works and efforts would make everybody happy.

I was the best mother and person in the land.

We stood in front of the carousel watching the horses go around, waiting for the family.

After a few minutes the kids started to whine.  “Where are they Mom?” Sam asked excitedly.

“I’m sure they will be here in a minute,” I answered distractedly looking at the street watching cars pull in.

After a few more minutes I asked the kids if they wanted to get ice cream while we waited.  They said they wanted to wait for Sam’s friend.

I glanced up at the clock outside the ice cream shop.

7_30

 

I stared at it and said to the kids, “Maybe they forgot….” and as the words came out of my mouth I realized those were the very words that this mother must have told her son when Sam didn’t show up for his party.

I looked at the kids slack-jawed. “Oh…..my….God.”

“What mom? Do you think they’re coming?” Sam asked excitedly.

“Nope, they definitely are NOT coming, Sam.” I answered definitively.

And I was right.  They never showed up.

I let the kids get their ice cream and go on the carousel a few times and then we headed home.

I checked my email and what do you know – I had a cheerful email saying that “We totally forgot! Hope we can reschedule!”

Oh we will reschedule all right.

We have set up a new date for next week, but two can play at this game.

I may or may not show up.

Now this could be my new favorite type of playdate…..the one that never happens!

CLEARLY I AM A VERY GOOD PERSON THAT SHOWERS STRANGE CHILDREN WITH GIFTS…PLEASE VOTE FOR ME BY CLICKING THE BANNER BELOW!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Well played


When Sam and Michael were younger and I wasn’t working, time seemed to stand still.

If they woke up early, as they usually did, I would sometimes hope it was dinnertime and it would only be 9 am.

I was not really ever the type of person that enjoyed children. I didn’t really ever envision myself staying home all day with babies and toddlers and playing with them.

But I did it.

I would care for them and play with them and by the time Mr. Gaga would get home I was practically catatonic. I always used to recite my favorite scene from Overboard when he got home….he usually didn’t think it was too funny.

I don't belong here. I feel it. Don't you think I feel it? I can't do any of these vile things and I wouldn't want to! My life is like death! My children are the spawn of hell and you're the devil. Oh, God..

I don’t belong here. I feel it.
Don’t you think I feel it?
I can’t do any of these vile things
and I wouldn’t want to!
My life is like death!
My children are the spawn of hell
and you’re the devil.
Oh, God..

I really meant it.  I would stare at him and say over and over again “I feel it!! Don’t you think I feel it?”

Just for my own entertainment really.

But the next morning I would start anew all of the pleasures of being home with small children.

I did everything I could possibly think of to entertain them and myself.  I would do anything to get out of the house and speak to adults…I would have gone to a hanging.

I joined horrendous playgroups, mom groups, playdates and activities. I took them to classes at the library and at an art studio, we would go to the farm and the park, music classes and gymnastics.

When those activities were over I would spend hours on end on the floor in their rooms doing puzzles, coloring, and playing restaurant. I would read them books and do flashcards to learn the alphabet.

I would play Thomas the Train and matchbox cars and Lightening McQueen, I would build buildings out of blocks and forts out of blankets and chairs. We would play marching band and we would sing Wiggles songs and the theme song from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

When it was nice out we would spend hours playing outside. I would take them for walks and pull them in their wagon. I would push them on the swings and chase them up and down the driveway and play hide and seek. I would watch them ride their tricycles and push their bubble mowers. I remember being utterly exhausted, sitting on the driveway in a patch of sunlight doing chalk drawings over and over again. When that got too boring we would blow bubbles and try to catch them. We would collect rocks and pinecones while exploring.

When it was hot out I would fill up baby pools and set up sprinklers and watch them splash in the water.

The other day was the first day that it was warm enough to play outside without a jacket. The kids drew a four-square court and invited Mr. Gaga to play while I prepared dinner.

I went outside to ask Mr. Gaga to light the grill.

“Mom, please play four square with us!” Michael pleaded.

It was nice out and I was in no rush to make dinner.

“Ok – I will play a couple of rounds – but then I have to get dinner ready.” I agreed.

So there we were in the front yard on the driveway having a family friendly game of foursquare.

 

Whenever we all play an outdoor game together Mr. Gaga sings "As long as we got each other..." very loudly which was the song playing during the Hogan Family's football game...

Whenever we all play an outdoor game together Mr. Gaga sings “As long as we got each other…” very loudly which was the song playing during the Hogan Family’s football game…

 

The game went well – we all headed inside and we sat down to dinner shortly thereafter.

A few minutes into dinner Michael said, “You know Mom – tonight when you played foursquare with us……..”

“Yes lovebug…” I replied.

“That was the only time you ever played with us.” he finished his statement and continued to eat his chicken.

 

 

 

I nearly choked.

I looked over at both kids while they calmly ate their dinner.

“Do you people even know that I spend 6 solid years of my life home playing with you and taking you places and doing everything for you?” I spat out.

“No…I don’t remember that.” Michael said confidently before biting into his roll.

“Oookaaay….well I did. I took you to the library, and the farm and the daycare at the gym science museum…….and I read to you and played with you outside practically every day of your life!”  “I took you for bike rides and walks and took you to every park in town a million times!” I said with desperation looking at both children for a flicker of recognition or acknowledgement.

Sam calmly looked up from his dinner and said “Well…you don’t do any of that now.” and took a bite of chicken.

And what could I say to that.

He was right.

Before this little foursquare outing I hadn’t really “played” with them in about a year.

I dropped my fork and sat back in my chair – speechless.

All those torturous hours and endless days of playing with my children……for nothing.

I thought back to all of the other mothers I spent time with and spoke to that made me want to gouge out my eyeballs…all for the sake of my children.  All of the horrible playdates I sat through, all of the horrific toddler classes at the library surrounded by snot-nosed children sitting on the filthy floor, the hours spent chasing them around the park.

And to think they don’t remember one thing I ever did with them.

So I did what any woman in her right mind would do…

 

theresa

theresa2

 

Just kidding …I only did that in my mind.  

But it’s a tough pill to swallow.

All that time and effort and I could have totally ignored them and watched tv and read US Weekly all day for the same results.

Then it dawned on me.  This is why I have two children.  So they can play with each other!! My mother never played with me!!

These jerks are trying to get me down and lay a guilt trip on me and I have learned a valuable lesson.

Now that I know they suffer from severe memory loss…..

I will never play with my kids again.

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“Good mothers” love Spongebob Squarepants


Thanks for all of the suggestions for town names last week!!! I got some great ones, I might have to use a few…

The kids had friends over on Friday night.

I realize when other children are here that perhaps I don’t have enough rules and regulations for my kids.

“Would you like another piece of pizza?” I asked Sam’s friend after he downed two small pieces in 30 seconds.

“Oh no! My mom says I am not allowed to eat more than two pieces of pizza” he answered knowingly.

Later, Michael was discussing with his friend which movie they were going to watch. “How about Star Wars Episode III?” Michael asked excitedly.

His friend’s shoulders slumped.  “Well, my mom won’t let me watch Episode III,” he answered dejectedly, “It’s very violent.”

They settled on a different movie and I went to check on the other 2 boys.   Sam was asking his friend if he wanted to watch SpongeBob and his friend replied, “Oh no! I can’t watch that! It’s VERY inappropriate!”

Sam looked at him like he had 8 heads and they settled on a PBS Kids program of some sort.

After they left, I told Mr. Gaga that once again we are the worst parents.

“You let the kids watch all the Star Wars movies and apparently they are very violent!! ”

He stared back at me.

“So what will happen? They will think they are Jedi’s?” he asked incredulously.

“Well then Sam’s friend said he doesn’t watch SpongeBob either…Are we the only parents who don’t think Spongebob is bad?” I asked.

“What’s wrong with SpongeBob?” Mr. Gaga asked.

” I guess Squidward calls SpongeBob a moron and an idiot or something…” I answered.

“Ok well – you call people fucking assholes in front of the kids all the time – so why would we care what Squidward says?” he asked with exasperation.

“Ok – well that could be it…..” I answered thoughtfully.

But then I wanted to get to the bottom of this whole Spongebob thing…so I asked the kids if they ever learned anything from watching.  The answers were delightful.

The following info was taken verbatim from a 6 and 8 year old…if you don’t start letting your kids watch Spongebob tomorrow – you are fools.

Ten things my kids have learned from Spongebob while I drank wine, or blogged, or just generally ignored them :

1 – Don’t be a Follower – Sam says that “One time Sandy went to the rodeo and Spongebob followed her even though he didn’t belong at the rodeo…and then he almost got killed by a bullfrog.  If you know your friend is doing something dangerous…you shouldn’t follow them.”

2 – “Don’t litter” –One time Spongebob littered and then Patrick got blamed for it and had to go to jail for littering” Sam exclaimed.

“Stick up for your friends” – Michael chimed in regarding the littering episode.  “When Patrick had to go to jail, Spongebob felt bad and he told the police that it was actually him that littered and so he ended up going to jail instead of Patrick.”

It's also valuable for children to get an accurate impression of jail so aren't led to believe that it's like going to a resort or spa (like in Orange is the New Black.)

It’s also valuable for children to get an accurate impression of jail so aren’t led to believe that it’s like going to a resort or spa (like in Orange is the New Black.)

3 – Listen to your teacher:  “One time Spongebob was not listening to his teacher, Mrs. Puff.  He was trying to give her boat to her and she said not to, and he didn’t listen and he put it in reverse and he ran over the whole school.” Michael informed me.

4- Never fight around babies:  “One time Spongebob and Patrick had a baby clam and they were the clam’s parents, (didn’t bother asking how a boy sponge and boy starfish made a baby clam – but that’s ok) and they were fighting all the time because Spongebob was the mom and he had to do everything and Patrick just went work and didn’t help.

Here Spongebob does all of the housework while holding the baby while Patrick is MIA....These are stories they just aren't telling over on PBS...

Here Spongebob does all of the housework while holding the baby and Patrick is MIA….These are stories they just aren’t telling over on PBS…

One time they were fighting so much that they didn’t notice that the baby clam had wandered off and almost jumped out the window!” Sam exclaimed wide-eyed.

5 – “Keep trying” –“Spongebob tries to drive all the time – but he always fails and he took his driving test 78 times and he never passed…but he keeps trying.” Michael said confidently.  “He never gives up.”

6 – “Dance, surf &karate” – “Oh yeah! and we learned how to do different things like how to dance, how to surf and like how to do karate and also there’s a song that taught us how to tie our shoes.” Michael told me.

Thanks Sponge - I was never quite sure who had taught Sam to tie his shoes....

Thanks Sponge – I was never quite sure who had taught Sam to tie his shoes….

7 – “Don’t mix tomatoes with ice cream” **- One time Spongebob mixed together ice cream and tomatoes and then he ate it and then he had bad breath and nobody wanted to be his friend.”

breath

**Not quite sure what the lesson was here – but at the end of the day it’s always good to recognize that halitosis will not win you any friends.

8 – “Don’t curse.”  “One time Spongebob was cursing – but it didn’t sound like curses on the show – it just sounded like dolphin noises and he got in a lot of trouble and Mr. Krabs said he would fire him if he cursed – so he stopped cursing.”

Unless he's calling everyone motherfuckers or fucking twats then he's totally a better role model than I am for children....

Unless he’s calling everyone motherfuckers or fucking twats then he’s totally a better role model than I am for children….

9 – “Do what you love to do.” “Spongebob just loves making krabby patties – so one time Mr. Krabs had to fire him to save money but he still works for him for free because he just loves his work.”

**Not sure we want to encourage working for free – but it’s a good concept in theory.

10 – (my personal favorite lesson) – “Don’t go in tanning booths.”

“One time Spongebob was invited to a party that you could only go to if you were tan – so he went in the tanning booth.” Michael explained.

Well this is what I call a party filled with beautiful people - You have to admit - noboby wants to party with pale, pasty losers....

Well this is what I call a party filled with beautiful people – You have to admit – nobody wants to party with pale, pasty losers….

“But then it backfired – because Spongebob went in the tanning booth too long and he got sunbleached from the tanning – and then he couldn’t go to the party.” Michael explained.  “But then his friend coated him with caramel and then he got in….”

So this is a lesson about using body bronzing makeup instead of going into the actual tanning bed...Who doesn't want their kids to learn about that???

So this is a lesson about using body bronzing makeup instead of going into the actual tanning bed…Who doesn’t want their kids to learn about that???

In closing – there have been some rumors that Spongebob might be coming to a close after 2014.  I suggest you holier-than-thou parents who think you and your kids are too good for Spongebob rethink your decision!

Last but not least – I had picked up some soda and some Doritos as a treat for the playdates the kids were having on Friday.  After the stress of trying to find programming that these kids’ parents would deem acceptable – I was afraid to bring up the snacks.

“Do you guys think it would be ok if you had Doritos and coke?” I asked the group.

My kids were thrilled – because these are two items I have never purchased in my life.

The other two kids….you know the ones who can’t watch Spongebob?

They said “Oh yeah – we eat Cool Ranch and drink Diet Coke all the time!”

YOU PARENTS ARE FUCKING HILARIOUS!!! ROT THEIR TEETH AND BODIES BUT KEEP THEIR BRAINS FREE OF RUBBISH!!!!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR MOTHER OF THE YEAR!!

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Dear potential employer,


“Don’t even think of asking me what I did all day,” I warned Mr. Gaga the other day as we discussed the pending start of the school year which will leave me home without children from 8 AM until 3:30 PM everyday.

“I understand…..” he answered cautiously.

A few minutes later…..”But what will you do?”

After being tortured by my children for seven years I am finally going to be able to tackle little projects that I haven’t had time for, like taking care of my beard.

It’s a valid question.

I tried to envision myself with nothing to do.

After my morning coffee and maybe a quick run….things could get dicey.

I decide to peruse the old “Help Wanted” section.

This led to a panicked session of “resume revival” and let’s just say I had a hard time making myself sound qualified for most of the job postings I saw.

Let me know what you think:

Lady Goo Goo Gaga

Connecticut, Ladygoogoogaga2011@gmail.com

Objective

  • To find someone to hire me so that I will not go insane at home, and possibly have some extra money for shoes.

Education

HIGHSCHOOL GRADUATION, 1998 | FANCY NEW ENGLAND PREP SCHOOL

BA, 2002 | GOOD JESUIT UNIVERSITY

  • Major: Communications
  • Minor: Finding a husband

Skills & Abilities:

Management

  • Registered and transported 2 small children to hockey, tennis, basketball, baseball, swimming, soccer, hip-hop, track and field, many birthday parties and playdates
  • Responsible for all household management, including planning and preparing meals 3 times a day, making all pertinent appointments for household members, and telling members of the household when it is time to shut up and go to bed.
  • Present to-do lists to household partner and persistently “remind” him to do said projects.
  • Responsible for all laundering of clothing, bedding, and any other furniture or materials that might accidentally become covered in vomit, pee or poop.
  • Responsible for cleaning and wiping of all rectums and surrounding areas for a period of 7 years.
  • Filled and emptied dishwasher daily, and kept track of approximately 25-40 sippy cups and snack cups, and their corresponding lids

Sales

Communication

  • Learned to properly utilize vocal chords to the best of my ability while screaming at my children
  • Relayed religious knowledge to children as well as utilized proper religious education offerings
  • Able to maintain composure and not gouge out my own eyeballs when forced to speak and interact with insane women in various environments including but not limited to playgroups, Kindermusik, and bad playdates

Leadership

  • Got the bus stop moved after a series of harassing phone calls to the bus company
  • Maintained sanity while surrounded by insane women or insane children for the majority of the past seven years
  • Curbed swearing in front of children to only favorite terms, and completely eliminated daily use of “cunt” and “motherfucker”

Interests and Hobbies

In my free time I try to work on losing the baby weight from my pregnancy 5 years ago, watching any of the “Real Housewives” franchises and taste-testing different types of wine.

Experience

LADY GOO GOO GAGA BLOG (http:lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com)  – 2011-present

  • Make people laugh at how absurd my life is on a weekly basis.
  • MAKE PEOPLE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!!

AND MAKE PEOPLE SHARE ON FACEBOOK FOR ALL MOMS TO ENJOY AND COMMENT ON MY STELLAR RESUME!!

My placenta tastes better than your placenta……


We just had a conference week so EVERY DAY was early dismissal!! You know how the teachers in my town don’t like to stay at school anytime after 3:30…right?  

So by cutting the school day short they are able to eat 55 sandwiches and meet with parents without having a long day.

Anyways, so what we did to fill our days was host playdates!!  I was due for a bunch so we had 6 playdates this week and I have to say that now that the kids are getting older – it really isn’t too bad.

However – it made me think back to the time when I was locked up in the house with babies and had gotten roped into a playgroup.  Those playdates were the absolute worst hours of my life!!!

Let’s face it – the playdate for babies and toddlers is really an excuse for bored moms to get together and talk about how horrible their lives are. 

Of course, my luck is to get stuck with a bunch of women who want to talk about how much they love their children.

Playdates are also an opportunity for moms to participate in one of their favorite past-times which is to compete with other mothers. 

Why do we do it? 

Why do we even compete about food??

Why do we care?

But we do.

It starts right from the minute we get pregnant.

“You eat cold cuts? – Oh I would never, I haven’t even had a drop of coffee, not even decaf because Dr. Oz says there’s caffeine in decaf….”

Then we start right away competing with the whole breastfeeding war.

“I breastfed Ava right up until she was ready for first grade…I didn’t mind at all….”

Then we jump into food. 

Oh I would never feed my baby – baby food from a jar!!! I make all of my own baby food from scratch.  I bought a $300 baby food maker and it purees an organic banana like you wouldn’t believe.”

Of course some people even take it a step further.

January Jones recently announced that she has been consuming her own placenta since giving birth to her child.  This is the new cool thing to do apparently.  Placentas can be ground up and eaten in pill form for the squeamish…..

Alicia Silverstone has been all over the headlines because she believes that she is a bird.  Because of this – she spits food into her child’s mouth after she chews it for him.

Let me just say Alicia – there is something called a food processor.  I know you are out to win “Mom of the Century” but let’s not reinvent the wheel here.

There are many ways to cut up food.  If you didn’t want to waste energy by using a blender – (because I know how you hippies are) you could even use a good old fork and knife to cut things up.

I’m not quite sure what you are accomplishing by making out with your baby in this manner,  instead of just feeding him like a rational adult. 

When I got invited into my mommy cult playgroup – I was new to the world of playdates and wasn’t really aware of all of the rules and etiquette.

When it was my first time hosting, I racked my brain to think of the perfect snack that would make the kids like me the best.

It was my friend Martha that said "Good mothers don't feed their kids red and orange dyes......"

I didn’t know! 

I also was thinking that maybe these women (whom I had never met before) could be my new friends.   I had been in the house going crazy – my only communication being with long-distance friends on the phone.

I was kind of picturing this in my kitchen once a week:

I mean how bad could it be? We can talk some shit about other moms and neighbors, dish some celebrity gossip and ignore the kids..... This could be fun!!

So – when I was finished filling baskets with Doritos I got together some “Mommy treats”……

This did not go over well - apparently some people think that 10:30 am is too early for a Skinnygirl Cosmo......what a bunch of losers.

I slowly realized what was proper and acceptable and what wasn’t. 

Kids were given water or breast milk served directly from a huge engorged boob that was whipped out at any given moment with reckless abandon, and a choice of cut up grapes or goldfish crackers. 

Moms were served this:

Instead of running for my life after my first encounter with these idiots – I stuck it out for like 6 months.  I kept trying to talk to them truthfully about how difficult life was or how sometimes I would eat more than just my placenta pills at breakfast even though I was fat. 

They never responded appropriately, the way any of my real friends would.

One time they were all talking about how devastating it would be when the kids (who were all 2 at the time) started preschool. After everyone kept going on and on about how many tears they would shed when they left Brayden, Cayden, Layden and Jaden at the preschool for 2 hours, I interjected.

“Um – really? I intend to peel out of the parking lot at warp speeds and chain smoke Parliament Lights all the way home…….” I said matter-of-factly as I popped a chunk of my placenta into my mouth.

When I looked up this is what I saw…….

Nobody said a word.....Nobody laughed......a cricket chirped....and then I just got my coat and left.

What is happening to this world?

Why can’t we laugh at ourselves?

Why can’t we just feed our kids food and beverages and act normal???

WHY????

ATTENTION NEW MOTHERS!! 

Do not feel inferior to crazy lunatics that think their placenta is better than a Dorito. 

Do your best, feed your child in a calm rational manner.

Oh and one more thing……..Do not join a playgroup.

I ACTUALLY HAVE SINCE QUIT SMOKING – SO I THINK I DESERVE AT LEAST A VOTE ON THE LINK BELOW…..THANK YOU MUCH!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

Linking to

Waiting for the other shoe to drop….


Wednesday morning I quickly open my eyeballs when I hear the sound of the phone ringing.  I look at the clock. It is 7 am.

A phone call at 7 am can never be good.

Unfortunately, a long time ago, I dropped one of my cordless phones down the toilet – and never replaced it.   Now, when I need to answer the phone downstairs either I have to run for my life or miss it.

I jumped out of bed and ran for my life.

It was my best friend’s mother – who has been quite the bearer of bad news lately.  My stomach turned as I reached for the phone.

“Hi, Lady – when are you working this week – I want to meet up with you….”

I breathed a sigh of relief.  A work-related question is manageable.  Not ideal at the crack of dawn – but ok. 

The kids came meandering into the kitchen (a full half-hour before their alarms were set to go off) and I started their breakfast while I made small-talk with BF’s mom.

Suddenly, the doorbell rang.

It was now 7:15.

WTF?

I hung up abruptly and started to go towards the door, with my kids on my heels.  They were yelling that they wanted to answer the door – while my mind raced through all the possible scenarios that could go down when I answered the door. 

I yelled “I will answer it!!” as I approached the door – and as a final act of desperation – my son grabbed the back of my tank-top to try to pull me back away from the doorknob.  The straps of my shirt went askew and my boobs started to pop out.  I grabbed my boobs and looked up at the semi-circle of glass at the top of the door to see …..my brother!!!

I couldn’t make this shit up if I tried. 

I just finished blogging about how this poor guy saw my boob last week !!

He was dropping something off before work.  It was now 7:20 am.

The day progressed.  I had plans to meet for a playdate at a park with a preschool friend of Sam’s, and then hit the grocery store and then be back to grab Michael off of the bus by 2:00.

It was a nice day – so park time went a little longer than planned and then I raced to the store, (which was Stew Leonard’s so it wasn’t very easy to do.)   I grabbed a piece of pizza for Sam to eat in the car on the way home and made it home with 20 minutes to spare. I shoved some cold cuts in my mouth and put the groceries away.

I was about to go pick up Michael from the bus and bring him directly to CCD when the phone rang.  It was the nurse calling to say that Michael had been in a scuffle during recess that caused him to hit his head on the ground and resulting in a huge egg on his temple.

Great.

As I spoke to her I opened my email quickly, I had 5 minutes until the bus would arrive. 

This is what I saw:

FROM: FIRST GRADE TEACHER (9:30 am)

RE: MICHAEL’S SHOES


Hi  Mrs. Gaga,

Michael’ s shoes are starting to wear down in the front and he said he’s tripping over it.  Do you have extra shoes or boots at home that you could bring for him?
I could also cut the piece of the shoe that is hanging off (but it is quite large and is the part that covers his toes).
I might just use some packaging tape for now..
Let me know what you think!
Thanks!
 
Needless to say this email was being read as Michael’s bus was turning the corner.   The email was sent in the morning and I had never checked my email! So now my son had to walk around with duct tape shoes all day!!  

Now because I haven't checked my email and spent my time picking out prepared foods at Stew Leonard's all day - My child has to walk around like a homeless person....Mr. Gaga is going to kill me.

 
I essentially hung up on the nurse and fainted from the shame of the situation. I ran out to the bus.   I could not imagine that I was so oblivious – such  a bad mother that I missed this.  That his shoes that I bought a mere 4 MONTHS ago from NORDSTROM were so destroyed that teachers send me special messages begging for replacement shoes!! 
 
I am not a complete derelict – it’s not like I got him crappy shoes from the 5 and dime!!   I mean I’m not trying to be cheap – but I would like to get a mere 6 months out of a pair of sneakers – so I really hadn’t paid much attention to his shoes. 
 
The irony was not lost on me that this was happening a week after I essentially abandoned my family for two weeks to work in Manhattan.  So maybe I am just not as on top of things as I should be……but still.  I think I would notice if my kid’s shoes were falling apart.
 
When Michael came off the bus I was shocked.
 
This is what his shoe looked like:
 
 

I mean I'm not saying I send my kids to school in Louboutins but this is ridiculous.....

 

The teacher had decided against the duct tape for some reason – so Michael just walked around with a huge airplane wing hanging off the side of this shoe.

I have never been so mortified.  His teacher must think I am insane, but I swear the shoes were normal when he left in the morning…..

I must master this whole working while simultaneously caring for others thing…..It’s really not as easy as it looks…..

First she made me wear broken shoes, then she stopped bathing me .....now she doesn't feed me. Things haven't been the same since she went to NY for work....

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME….WHAT?  I WENT BACK TO NORDSTROM AND GOT THE KID SOME NEW SHOES……JUST CLICK IT……XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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