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Category Archives: mothers who think they are perfect

Born in the wild (to assholes)

I have been enjoying my long weekend at the beach with lots of sun, food and drink.  There haven’t been too many parenting dilemmas to speak of because ….well…quite frankly I have been ignoring the children.

However, I did find out about something new and exciting in the birthing world that I felt I should discuss.

During this week we enjoyed parties and celebrations of our “independence” as a nation. On July 4th, 1776 the Congress formally adopted the Declaration of Independence.  One of our “Founding Fathers”  who helped to get the wheels in motion to ensure our independence from Great Britain was the one and only, Benjamin Franklin.

I pretty much just thought he did that and then flew kites got electrocuted by lightning all day, but apparently he did some other very important stuff.

Apparently he just dicked around with kites all day...nice life.

Apparently he just dicked around with kites all day…nice life.

He put together a very important petition in Pennsylvania to create an institution that is now known as the “hospital.”

… petitioners were directed to present the Assembly with a bill to create a hospital. Presented a week later, the bill encouraged the Assembly to establish a hospital “to care for the sick poor of the Province and for the reception and care of lunaticks.”

From that day on we have enjoyed the comforts of hospital care.

We are able to enjoy modern medicine in well-lit sterile environments filled with trained medical professionals who spent years and years studying the human body at expensive medical schools.

We have been blessed with enjoyable television programming such as ER and Grey’s Anatomy and General Hospital.

Everyone is so focused on that damn kite - why don't we celebrate Benjamin Franklin for bringing us this??

Everyone is so focused on that damn kite – why don’t we celebrate Benjamin Franklin for bringing us this??

But now we have something even more groundbreaking to look forward to in the world of television.

I quite enjoy reality television and I have to say this spring, Lifetime Television really outdid themselves by bringing us some of the most riveting television in the history of reality TV with “True Tori.”

"My heart is ripped out!" Tori screamed before she kicked all of the baby and wedding pictures of the bed and had a complete nervous breakdown.  It was absolutely fascinating.

“My heart is ripped out!” Tori screamed before she kicked all of the baby and wedding pictures off the bed and had a complete nervous breakdown. It was absolutely fascinating.

I am sorry but I cannot forgive Lifetime for their next big show.  No matter how many scrapbooks Tori kicks off of her bed in hysterics.

‘Born in the Wild’ is set to debut on Lifetime, “a documentation of what happens when women actually give birth with no help from doctors.”

Lifetime is presenting us with a reality show this summer featuring women who feel that the birthing process should not be in a local hospital.  It should apparently not be in their home either. These women find that hospitals and homes are too “medicalized” and that birth should be a natural and beautiful process.

Modern mothers once again have decided to reinvent the wheel.  Convinced that evil medicine and sterility will destroy their precious beautiful birth moment, they have taken to popping kids out in kiddie pools in their dining room in droves.

They even hire photographers to document this amazing process.

Here a woman entertains everyone with a quick rendition of “Chopsticks” while she anxiously awaits her new baby!

piano birth


When she is finished with a quick “Moonlight Sonata” she urges her partner to hop into his Tommy Bahama bathing suit, and put on his gold chain and dry-hump her from behind.

birth couple

Soon after they hop into the kiddie pool that is set up in their living room and begin the process of childbirth at home.




But no!! Even the home birth isn’t natural enough for the latest batch of assholes bearing newborns.

Too sterile!! Not natural enough!!

So where should one squeeze out a child and a placenta these days?  Where could a mother be completely immersed in this beautiful process with no disruptions from modern medicine or trained professionals?

Oh….the rainforest of course!


I will just put my yoga mat right here in this filthy creek….

Lifetime’s PR people put out the crafty tagline for the show asking“What happens when the craziest experience of a woman’s life becomes truly wild, and soon-to-be parents decide to take on an unassisted birth in the outdoors?” 

Oh I’ll tell you what happens….these poor children get to experience their very first moments of being born to stupid fucking “lunatiks” (as Ben Franklin would call them.)  They might get Legionnaire’s Disease from still water or they might get stung by a wasp and contract malaria.

Ben Franklin worked long and hard to bring us hospitals where we have the luxury of knowing that if something goes wrong, then people who spent every penny they had at Harvard Medical School will help to ensure that our baby survives.  Do you think that you are so one with Mother Nature that you are willing to risk the safety of your newborn child?

Let’s just say that everything is fine and you don’t need any help from a doctor or the comforts of an emergency room….

What if a frog or salamander jumps onto your baby when it pops out? What if it shoots out and hits his head on the rocks?  What if he goes into the water and a wave comes and he starts floating away? What if an animal eats him? What if the baby ingest bacteria ridden algae from the creek as it comes out?

Do you think you are a fish or other animal that lives in the rainforest? Because you are not.  What you are is an ignorant fool.

Oh and PS – nice ponytail.

Apparently when things get uncomfortable by the creek you can always pop on over to your purple yoga mat that’s set up on a bed of rocks.



Then when all is said and done you can just move away from all of the bloody pebbles and nurse your new baby and think about how amazing and “natural” and “wild” you are and how much Benjamin Franklin would hate your guts.


Oh how nice that you were able to stop at the local rainforest J Crew for a statement necklace for this happy occasion!


I am hoping that True Tori has another season or maybe I will start watching General Hospital again, because watching ‘lunatiks’ give birth on beds of filthy rocks filled with bugs and bacteria is not my idea of entertainment.

Yet just one more piece of evidence that mothers of today have completely lost their minds.






This happened….ALLEGEDLY

Nowadays getting children to school is much more complicated than it used to be.

It used to be that children who lived close to school would walk to school.  Those children that didn’t live close would take the bus.

Because of the system in place to help deliver children to school there would be very little or no parents at United States schools in the morning or afternoons.

Those days are over.

Now “walkers” are driven to school.  Nobody actually lets their kids walk to school.

Also, children that are meant to take the bus often don’t because “they don’t like it,” or their parents think “it’s a bad experience.”

This has created a new modern-day problem for schools across America.  There is a constant struggle to maintain control during “school drop-off and pick-up.”

Imagine, twice a day, each educational institution must figure out a way to control all of the crazy lunatic mothers in their huge oversized vehicles.

As a result, school pick up is annoying and crowded and everyone is in a rush.


There are very strict rules and guidelines for drop-off and pick-up.

Everyone know the rules.  They are very clear.


Many people simply choose not to obey them.

This week at an elementary school in town….the following  “allegedly” happened.

During the usual hectic school pick up, a mother arrived at the school with skiis that needed to be delivered to her son.


Assessing the situation, she decided that the line of cars ahead of her was too long.  Racking her brain of how she could best cut the line to get the skiis to her child – she made a quick decision.

She parked where anybody with such an emergency would park.


She left her car running and made her way to her son’s bus to deliver the almighty skiis.

kim skiis2

Meanwhile little Hunter anxiously awaited his skiis.

Where is my mother with my skiis?? This bitch is totally ruining my chance at the 2022 Winter Olympics!!

Where is my mother with my skiis?? This bitch is totally ruining my chance at the 2022 Winter Olympics!!

Meanwhile, another mother witnessed the illegal parking of Ski Bunny Mom.  After probably years of dealing with entitled behaviors from the mothers and children in this town, she couldn’t take it anymore (or maybe she just feels strongly about illegal handicapped parking) – either way she thought to herself “I’m going to teach Ski Bunny mom a lesson.”

I am so sick of these fucking bitches that think they are so this crazy move.

I am so sick of these fucking bitches that think they are better than the rest of us… this crazy move.

She promptly got into Ski Bunny Mom’s running vehicle and peeled out.


When Ski Bunny mom got back to where she had illegally parked her vehicle it was gone.

Where is my fucking car? My yoga class starts in five minutes!

Where is my fucking car? My yoga class starts in five minutes!

Nobody had seen anyone move her car.

Nobody came forward to confess taking the car.





The car was found across the street.  But Ski Bunny mom and the community was up in arms.

How dare someone take my car and not own up to it??  Whoever did this is a COWARD!!!

How dare someone take my car and not own up to it?? Whoever did this is a COWARD!!!

Moms took to social media to express their concerns and distaste for whoever would dare take someone’s vehicle out of the handicapped parking spot.

“This person should be arrested!!!” They all cried. 

“We are great mothers and people!! We don’t deserve this!” 

“Children without skiis are just as important as children that are handicapped!!”

“Mothers of children without skiis have feelings too!!””

After several posts on Facebook and Twitter – a token handicapped person chimed in!!

Did she scold Ski Bunny mom for parking illegally?



This only added fuel to the fire.


Some mothers even began to fight on social media.  Some mothers say they will be watching and searching for the mystery car mover in the coming weeks.

Either way, this is a perfect example of what happens when people have too much time on their hands.

Even though it’s not right to steal people’s cars – I have a feeling the car mover and I could possibly be friends….possibly.

Either way – I really can’t make this stuff up.


This is all ALLEGED.



Dolls gone Wild

Mothers today seem to want to do everything for their children. If you asked my parents they would even include me in that statement.

During the summer months, we are at the beach and I try to take a step back from helicopter parenting. They ride their bikes to camp alone, they run up and down the beach exploring and swimming for hours, and when the day is over they hop into the outside shower together and clean themselves.

Sometimes while they shower I pour myself a glass of wine and forget where they are altogether.

A friend from home came to visit and was horrified at shower time. “Well, how do you know if they are clean?” she asked.

I shrugged, “Well….I guess I don’t.”

What age are you supposed to hand over the washcloth and hope for the best? I mean how old is a boy supposed to be when is mother stops scrubbing his asshole and his testicles?

The tasks that modern mothers have trouble relinquishing control of don’t end with butt and penis washing.

I know many 5 and 6 year-olds that don’t know how to zip their coat, tie their shoes, or wipe their butt when they poop.

In the defense of mothers, it is much easier and quicker to just zip a jacket than wasting precious time teaching a child how to do something.

When Michael was going to first grade I realized that his foot was way too large to keep putting into a velcro sneaker.

I thought this was not a cute look for kindergarten....

I thought this was not a cute look for first grade…

I found the perfect solution and signed him up for the shoe-tying class at Nordstrom.

Mr. Gaga put his well-tied shoe down firmly.

“Cancel it, that’s ridiculous.” he said.
“But I was on the wait list for 4 months to get him in!” I pleaded.
He stared at me. “You could have taught him by now.” he said heartlessly.
He had a point.

When does all of this hand-holding, butt-wiping, jacket zipping enabling come to an end?


Once it starts – it is hard to stop. I know of two mothers who actually inserted their daughter’s tampons for them, because “they didn’t want to do it themselves.”

Well I didn’t want to do it either so guess what happened to me? I wore a big honking maxi pad for 2 years until I was ready to try to insert a tampon myself.

Mothers today are all too quick to solve problems and gloss over everything to make sure that even if everything isn’t perfect it will at least appear as though it is.

Hide that doll's hair and face...she's embarrassing me....

Hide that doll’s hair and face…she’s embarrassing me….

This urge to solve problems for America’s children has reached an all new low.

A troubling post keeps appearing on Pinterest that instructs users how to make dolls look better.

When I was young I had Barbies and dolls that occasionally got a bad haircut, my kids have a superhero who occasionally rip their cape or lose a limb or even get run over by a huge truck.

That’s life.

But no!!

We don’t let children today experience what it feels like to have a doll that looks like a crystal meth addict.

It’s highly unpleasant to have a doll with snarled hair – but no worries, like everything else – we can FIX it!!

Millions of people have pinned this post which carefully outlines how to make your child’s doll look better.


If you have time to kill and find it a top priority to make sure your kid’s doll doesn’t look like Lindsay Lohan than here is the secret recipe!

I am sorry but am I the only one who has better things to do with their time than spend the day making a doll not look like a whore?

I have a hard time keeping up with my own beauty routines.  I often find that I am falling behind on my waxing, haircuts and color, manicures, etc.  So while I walk around with a full moustache and chipped toenails, is someone suggesting that I spend my day delousing a doll and making sure that she looks well-coiffed?

Has everyone in this country lost their god-damn minds?

There are plenty of mothers out there (you know who you are) that walk around town wearing yoga pants, no makeup, and gray hair.  Perhaps you could take some time for yourselves to actually go exercise in your yoga pants or take a hair appointment.  Certainly ANY activity would be time better spent than worrying yourself about how embarrassed you will be the next time your daughter has a friend over and she sees that her American Girl doll looks like Amy Winehouse.

I know you will all say it is because I have boys that I don’t understand the importance of this task…but you are wrong.

I am a girl.

It is laughable to imagine me or my friends growing up in the 80’s, bringing some jacked up doll to our mothers and asking them to comb their hair with fabric softener so that they won’t look like whores.

I asked my mother to do my Barbie's hair and when I came home she looked like this....

Once I asked my mother to do my Barbie’s hair while I was at school and when I got home she looked like this….

Why don’t we use these “whore dolls” to teach important lessons to today’s little girls.

You can sit your daughters down with the trampy doll and say “Look, there’s nothing we can do. Look at your doll sitting there spread eagle, smoking a cigarette with her eyes glazed over, her snarled hair and her ripped outfit all askew.  She has made a series of bad decisions and now she has to face the consequences…..”

Why don’t we use these unfortunate tramps to teach young girls to make good choices and not to go down the wrong path?


There she is in the street…where she belongs!

Mothers – come together and find something to do, or at least think of me the next time you feel the urge to spend your day combing doll hair.

Just like humans, dolls sometimes hit a rough patch.  Sometimes it’s not all castles and prince charmings….

It’s an important lesson and one that is never too early to teach.



Foul Balls

Some weeks, as Sunday approaches I start to get nervous.

Some weeks go by in a flash and nothing outrageous has happened. I start to worry about what I will blog about.  Sometimes I think, maybe everyone is starting to be normal and life is boring and there’s nothing to say.

But then – I just venture out into my INSANE town that is FILLED with LUNATICS and I will always have some material to work with.

My schedule worked out this weekend so I was able to make it to the kids basketball games Saturday morning before work.  I have missed a bunch, so the kids were happy to have me there.  Sam’s game went well and we moved over to the next court for Michael’s game immediately following.

I only knew one mother there and sat down next to her.  This happened to be the mother I know who always posts on Facebook “how blessed she is to be homeschooling.”  You might imagine we have very little in common.

We made small talk while Michael was lining up with his teammates to start his game.  A boy he doesn’t know was behind him and kicked him in the back of the leg for no reason.  Michael turned to face him.

“Stop kicking!” he said to the kid.

The kid just looked at him and wound up and kicked him hard in the privates.

Michael hunched over in pain and started crying.  I sat on the bleachers slack-jawed watching the coach reprimand the penis-kicker.   My mind raced as to what would be the way to respond to this assault.

It would be a perfect time for Michael to turn into a wolf but that seemed unlikely.


teen wolf dunk

I’m sorry – but by the way, does it seem strange that we fully accepted this as a quality cinematic production starring Michael J. Fox? Look at his legs please.

The coach ran over and sent the “junk-kicker” over to his dad on the bleachers.

I stared down the kid with a look of disgust and horror as much as I could but he didn’t even glance my way. I whipped my head around to adjust my squinty eyeball glare towards the Dad but he didn’t care either.

I tried to size up the situation and figure out why both of these people were immune to my evil glare and realized that the father was a huge Richie Cunningham look-alike with what seemed to be the same nerdy disposition.

I almost could swear I saw this guy on the sidelines encouraging his kid to be an asshole...

I could swear I saw this guy on the sidelines doing this to his kid when he kicked Michael…

He didn’t say ONE WORD to his balls-kicking devil child, and he didn’t say ONE WORD TO US OR MICHAEL as tears poured down his cheeks and Mr. Gaga took him to the bathroom to assess the situation.

You know what Opie – maybe say you are sorry that your son is a huge douchebag….or say “I am so sorry that Michael is infertile now because my kid is a testicle-destroying asshole.”

At the very least make some sort of show pretending to reprimand your kid.

Any appropriate response will do.

None of that happened.  Nothing happened.  It was as though I was in the twilight zone.

While my son was now missing the start of his game, the balls-kicker sat on Richie Cunningham’s lap and stared straight ahead watching the game.

Smoke poured out of my ears while I desperately thought how I could properly punish these horrible people.

When Michael came back from the bathroom with pink cheeks and puffy eyes I called him over.

“If that kid touches you one more time – you have permission to punch him as hard as you can in the face.” I said furiously and loudly.

Mr. Gaga stared at me with alarm as Michael ran onto the court.

“What?” I demanded.

“Everyone is staring at you now, maybe you should go to work.” he whispered.

“I don’t care.”

I started to get my stuff together to leave for work and guess who decided to pipe in with her two cents?

Homeschooling blessed mom!!!

“You know…you are not telling Michael the right thing to do….” she said with a smile.

Did this bitch have a death wish or what?
“Um, I am teaching my child to defend himself and not just stand around getting kicked in the balls by a maniac who has a father that allows such behavior.”

She continued to smile and said “Hitting is not the answer.”

I was going to lose my mind.

“Listen, when you ever let your kids venture out of your house – you might find that the real world is a little rough – and your kids are going to get their asses kicked…..If Michael punches that kid today I will give him a high-five.”

She looked at me and shook her head and said sadly, “I know you will.”

I took that moment to exit the gym.  I called a friend on the way to work to relay the story, who thankfully agreed that the whole scenario was obscene.  Then she gave me a great idea.

“Maybe next weekend, if that mom is there just go up to her and kick her in the crotch and see what happens.”

Maybe I will just start doing it to everyone I don't like.....

Maybe I will just start doing it to everyone I don’t like…..

Basketball games just got a lot more fun.

Linking to “I don’t like Mondays blog hop”



The truth will set us free!!

Everyone is just spilling every bean they own lately.

First Al Roker decided to bust the news, years after the fact, that he pooped his pants at the White House during a press conference.

I am sorry – but why are you telling us this Al?  This little bout with telling the truth – falls into the category of TMI for me.

In a cruel twist of fate, Al also shit in this gingerbread man costume and was found out by this dog....

In a cruel twist of fate, Al also took a huge dump in this gingerbread man costume and was found out by a dog….

Sometimes it is good to tell the truth. Sometimes one lie leads to another which leads to another and before you know it your life and other people’s lives are  destroyed.

I guess Lance Armstrong missed the episode when Oprah single-handedly annihilated James Frey’s career.  She basically verbally castrated him for lying about his book “A Million Little Pieces,” being a memoir; because she was horrified that someone had LIED to her on her show!!  (P.S. – Thanks Oprah for that – now we are stuck with publishing gems like 50 Shades of Gray.)

Because he probably hadn’t seen much of the Oprah Show, and wasn’t familiar with her smug questioning and holier than thou attitude towards LIARS, he was surely uncomfortable once this little interview began.

Lance made the ill-fated decision to spread out the words “I cheated” into 2 hours of action-packed questioning from Oprah Winfrey.


Now who benefits from this besides Oprah?  Probably nobody – but Al and Lance just needed to get something off their chests.

It just feels better when you come clean.

I am a big fan of being honest…..maybe TOO honest for some people’s tastes…

What on earth is the point of lying all the time?

You know who lies way more than Lance Armstrong?


For some reason, mothers feel compelled to tell other mothers lies.

Constant, constant lies.

We need to stop the nonsense.

Do we want to end up getting caught up in a web of lies and land ourselves on national television talking about how we shit ourselves?


Then it needs to stop.


1-“Oh my God, I am running late because I was trying to finish up a project and lost track of time!”

Stay at home moms are notorious for pretending they are doing lots of all-important stuff when in fact they are watching television, blogging and taking a nap.  We all have days where we take it easy.  Own it.  Don’t come running to the bus stop late talking about what a busy day you’ve had….I can see the sheet lines on your cheek.

2 – “I eat so much! The weight just came off because I breastfed!”

Look, Heidi Klum, (you know…the Victoria’s Secret runway model) said that she starved herself to be able to go back to modeling shortly after giving birth.  She said it was extremely difficult and that she literally felt like she was going to die.  Please don’t tell me that you eat all the time when in fact you drink hot water with lemon for dinner and juice for breakfast and lunch….it’s insulting.

3 –“I love babies!”

What? What do you love about them? Their smell, ok, their soft skin, ok, their cute little fingers and toes, ok….Then what?

Do you love their puke and their runny poops? So, do you love when the runny poop goes up their back and you have to peel poop clothes off of them and wash more laundry and give the baby a bath?

Do you love their blood-curdling screams waking you up in the night?

I’m not buying any of this.

4 – “I am so blessed.”

You “blessed” people drive me nuts.  We are all blessed in some way.  I just find it very rare that someone makes that statement in an appropriate fashion.  It’s beyond absurd that you would feel it necessary to announce such a thing.   Don’t say it…just think it in your head…trust me…nobody cares.

5 -“We don’t have cable, and I don’t miss it at all!”

Stop being stupid.  This is something mothers like to announce so that we know what great parenting they are doing.  They want us to know how they spend their evenings reading literature and playing Scrabble with their children instead of watching TV.

Of course you miss it.  I’m sorry, are you Steve Jobs or Thomas Edison? Are you so intelligent that you are above good quality television programming? Stop it.

6 – “I don’t even put moisturizer on my face…I don’t have time!!”

This whole pretending to be low-maintenance thing is quite common among mothers.  They pretend that they don’t care about their skin and wrinkles.

They pretend that they weren’t staring at their pores all morning in their magnifying mirror.

You don’t care about aging? That’s funny…how come your entire forehead is frozen solid? Weird….

7 – “Oh how I love to cook!”

Since the Food Network became popular as well as programs like Top Chef, everyone loves to pretend they are the Barefoot Contessa.  EVERYONE eats only  fresh and organic foods straight from Whole Foods Market!!   And all good mothers feel compelled to pretend that they are whipping up gourmet meals for their families.

These women think it’s cool to pretend that they are Martha Stewart.  Too bad their kids are all too quick to tell me that they had a waffle for dinner last night and a pop tart for breakfast.  Nice try ladies….nice try.

8 – “I don’t have to work…it’s just that I just love my job!!”

I hate when people say “I don’t have to work.”  First of all it’s rude.  You are implying with that statement that we are all lowly peasants that have to work so we can pay our bills, but you are above that.  You just looooovvvee to work!!!

You are magically the only living American person that is working for pure fun!!

Everyone HAS to work in some capacity.  Even Madonna and Mark Zuckerberg have to work… stop saying that…you are only fooling yourself.

9 – -“I love breastfeeding!”

Now these are some sadistic motherfuckers that make this statement.

I’m sorry – I don’t see how one could find it enjoyable to feed a baby all day on call like a piece of cattle.

I didn’t really enjoy having to stop what I was doing every hour and find a spot where I could safely just whip out my boob and feed a baby for 45 minutes.  I also wasn’t thrilled with the huge engorged breasts that would start leaking milk if I god forbid chose to take some time for myself at somewhere luxurious like the grocery store or the mall.

My favorite part though was the bloody nipples that would be raw and oozing….I could see how someone could really love that.

10 – “I love being pregnant!”

So what is it exactly that you love? Is it that you love weighing 200 pounds?

You love a human being kicking the shit out of your organs and making you sick and constipated? You love not being able to bend down and tie your shoes?

Maybe it’s that when you get a cold you can’t even take medicine.  Or could it be the pretty maternity clothes and huge underwears that you find yourself wearing?

Is it that you love not being able to sleep at night or is it that you can’t have any alcohol or eat a turkey sandwich?  Do you love not having energy and being utterly exhausted all day?

Do you love being hormonal and crying at everything? Is it that you love going to the gynocologist constantly?  Maybe you like to drink that sugary syrup for the diabetes test….

What is it exactly about being pregnant that you love??  I need to know.

Wouldn’t life be great if we could all be a little more HONEST with ourselves and each other!!!!




Jingle Hell 2012

This has been a horrible week for Connecticut and America.  Not that it would ever be okay, but to have such a disgusting act of violence occur right before Christmas is even more devastating.

My heart is broken and I am sickened by what the world has come to.

I cannot possibly complain about anything or make fun of anyone when such a grave tragedy has come upon us.

I will say however that more than ever, I feel so grateful for my life and my family and friends.

I will also say that I think we should be sure to keep children’s lives happy, carefree and filled with joy as much as we can.

They will grow up soon enough and have to endure this world and all of its vile atrocities and tortures.

When I was reflecting about this idea today, I thought back to one of my blog posts about the parents that decided to tell their little sweet innocent 2-year-old that there was no such thing as Santa, so that he would know that his parents were the ones actually buying him gifts.

Every time I think of this I get newly furious with these morons.

This post is read quite regularly, because one of the most common phrases googled by people, which brings them to my blog, is “SANTA GIVING THE FINGER.” 

Go figure.

I thought today would be a good day to repost this – so we can take a minute and really think about what stupid bullshit we waste or time and energy focusing on…instead of enjoying life and our children.

Tomorrow I will announce the winner of the Laura Mercier Caviar Stick, in the meantime enjoy this tale of holiday asshattery:

Jingle Hell

Posted on September 18, 2011 by Lady Googoogaga

So – I signed up a while ago to a service in town – where moms could receive emails regarding pertinent information about children, parenting etc.  Some reasonable uses of the service would be say – “Does anyone know the best pediatric dentist in town?” or “Where is a good place to go for piano lessons?” or “Has anyone ever been to the indoor water park in Waterbury?”

Many people for one reason or another ask inappropriate questions and what I consider inappropriate requests to  a community of unknown mothers in town.  The constant stream of ridiculous emails is enough to send you off the deep end – see below for the latest offense this week (and for those of you who still think I make this stuff up – this is word-for-word!!)

Subject: Advice


You all have been great in giving advice in the past that I thought I’d run something by you. What do you tell a 2-yr old about Santa? I would like for him to believe in Santa but my husband says that there’s no reason for him to.  That he should know that we buy his gifts because we love him. Has anyone else made the decision to tell their kids that Santa isn’t real? What did you say and  what  was the outcome?

Also…does anyone know where I can get K-Cups (for a Keurig coffee maker) for a cheaper price? At the grocery store they’re $8.99 for a box of 12 and I was informed today that they’re going up.

Thanks in advance! You all are awesome! Love, Jenny


Hi Jenny – Thanks for calling us all awesome!!

You know who is not awesome?


Just so you know – it’s September!!  And Christmas is not really top on everyone’s to-do list but since you asked……

Many families were grappling last week with remembering the loss of loved ones on September 11th, and probably thinking about one day explaining this horrible day to their children.

In this economy, I know many families who are struggling with telling their kids that they might not have any presents at Christmas because their mom or dad (or both) have lost their job.

Nationwide – parents will be figuring out where Christmas will be this year because their home was washed away in a flood or hurricane or lost in a foreclosure.

But your husband is right!!

You should totally shower your 2-year-old child with “gifts of love” and then tell him they are all from you!!

We live in a nation that at the 10-year anniversary of September 11, 2001 is still at war, close to 10 percent of our nation is unemployed,  millions don’t have access to healthcare while facing deadly incurable diseases like cancer and AIDS, 1 out of 110 children are diagnosed with autism and global warming is destroying or ending people’s lives all over the world.

That being said – I can totally see why what little happiness your child might have before facing the harsh realities of adulthood, should be ripped away from him – all so he can properly thank your husband for the $200 of Little Tykes crap he bought at the Toys R’ Us.

I mean really – why should Santa get all of the credit?

And by the way your husband sounds like a real peach!  Wherever did you find him? It’s so rare to find a good man who is not an ego-maniac!! Lucky!!

He also sounds super-intelligent and super in-touch with childhood development.  Does he have a PhD in this subject?

I know that he is so looking forward to the day when he can announce to a group of people that he has chosen to ruin his child’s life  tell his child that there is no such thing as Santa  – so that everyone knows that he is “above” such silly rituals.

Oops – small problem – Jenny!  Your douche-bag super-awesome hubby – failed to read the chapter in his PhD textbook that discussed the fact that 2 -year- olds…..(and I quote from a real medical textbook on childhood development)

pg. 201- ”Don’t give two flying fucks who gave them the Little Tykes crap.”

They don’t even get the concept of receiving a gift yet  – so when you have this all-important convo to break the bad news…..guess what?

You will have the same convo next Christmas when he’s three – and then probably again when he’s four.

He will not even remember your “love gifts”  – let alone who gave them to him.

Oh – and Jenny – one more thing – when you have this sit-down – could you do us a favor and let him know that you 2 are the only ass-hats that are doing this?

The rest of us quite enjoy lying to our kids and letting them experience little emotions called “joy” and “wonderment” and don’t need you and your tortured child ruining it.

Thanks!! That would be super-awesome!

In closing – I see you had a little question about coffee cups!  Who doesn’t right? LOL!

Well – I notice that you sent your email via Blackberry – which means that you’re savvy enough to use modern technology – but what you might not realize is that there is this little thing called a newspaper.

Inside it – usually once a week – you will find something called a circular! Each store actually lists their sale items using photos as well as extra-large bold text that will state the sale price – like $1.99!!!!!

Oh – by the way – I had a sec – and I googled Keurig sale – and it said there were about 1,200,700 results you dumb bitch…….

It is super-easy to read and very user-friendly – maybe even more so than your Blackberry!

If you feel like you still cannot find a good price for your Keurig coffee cups – don’t hesitate to shoot us another email.  We will all stop what we are doing  (you know because we are all stupid morons that believe in Santa) and find the best price for your coffee!!

Hope this helps!

Your friend – LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PS – I sent a copy of your email to Santa – and this was his reply – ( he asked that I pass it along to you) :



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