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Category Archives: LEGO

Joy to the Girls


My young pregnant and somewhat newly married cousin was upset with her husband on Christmas Eve.

“What’s wrong?” her mother asked.

“Well I was upset because I like wrapped everything and Bob didn’t help me.” she answered indignantly.

laughing

When we all stopped laughing we broke the news to her.

He will never help during the holidays….It will only get much worse.” we warned her.

She stared back at us with unbelieving eyes.

She will have to learn the hard way.  She will soon learn that Christmas time is a treacherous time that can almost end in divorce if you are not careful.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her just how bad it will be.  You will not only be upset that you will wrap every single gift yourself.

How do you think those gifts will even get to your house? Do you think that your husband will go get them?  Do you think he will give one ounce of thought towards gifts for his flesh and blood children? Or his family?

No he won’t.

I personally thought of each and every gift that would be given and I personally went to purchase each item.  When I couldn’t find what I needed  I would search online and buy items at night while Mr. Gaga and the children slept with sugar plums dancing in their heads.

I only asked Mr. Gaga to do one thing.

Michael had asked Santa for a very expensive Lego Set.  I had ordered it right after Thanksgiving because I am very efficient.

I noticed that the package had arrived one day when I got home from work.  I discreetly asked Mr. Gaga to hide the box somewhere so the kids wouldn’t find it.

“When you hide the box – will you just peek in to make sure it’s the right Legos for Michael?” I asked, as I wasn’t entirely sure that I had gotten the right set.  The kids are obsessed with all Star Wars related Legos – and Michael had requested an Ewok Village, and I wasn’t entirely sure I had gotten the right item.

When Mr. Gaga came up from the basement later – he assured me that the Legos in the box were the right ones.

Fast forward to December 23rd.

My back was broken while I wrapped the 50th gift.  Mr. Gaga was watching television in the kitchen enjoying his life.

I opened up the box that the LEGOS came in.  I pulled out the box that was supposed to be an Ewok Village.

This was in the box....I see no Ewoks here.

This was in the box….I see no Ewoks here.

I thought my head would explode.

I entered into the room where my enemy was seated watching television oblivious to the pressures and demands of the holiday season.

“I am going to murder you right now – so be prepared.” I announced holding the wrong Legos in my hand and a box cutter in the other.

Mr. Gaga glanced up at me – unafraid.

“I ASKED YOU TO DO ONE THING!!!” I screamed.  “ONE THING!!”

“AND BECAUSE I TRUSTED YOU TO DO ONE THING!! YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN RUINED CHRISTMAS!!!!”

When I shoved the Rancor Pit LEGOS into Mr. Gaga’s face and demanded an explanation, he answered, “I never heard him say he wanted the Ewok Village,” with not a care in the world.

“You didn’t??” I asked incredulously. “Well – since you pay no attention to what’s going on around here – it’s in FUCKING WRITING to SANTA!!”

I ran upstairs and found Michael’s letter to Santa and came down with it and threw it at Mr. Gaga hysterically.

He read the letter serenely.

He looked up and shrugged.

“Well – I never knew he wanted that.” he said as he tossed the letter onto the kitchen table.

“I am going to fucking kill you.” I screeched. “I can’t trust you to do anything!!!”

I think at this point he started fighting back and telling me about all of the stuff that he does, but I had blacked out from anger and went to upstairs.

I was beside myself.

How could I fix this?

The next day was Christmas Eve and when I googled the “Ewok Village” I found out it was $250.00

I couldn’t just go out the next day and shell out that much money on an extra gift! And plus – would I even find it?

Then I thought of a great solution!

The one thing that I hated most during the holiday season – might actually save me.

The one being that could actually help me right now – was NOT my husband.

It was in fact …….

 

THE ELF.

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

I wrote in my most elf-like handwriting a elf-ish note about a mix-up in Santa’s workshop – and would Michael please forgive the elf for mixing things up….

He accepted the mix up – Thank you JESUS!!

I decided to speak to Mr. Gaga the next day – because otherwise Christmas would be completely destroyed.  I have to remember for next year – that he LITERALLY cannot do ONE thing related to Christmas or everything will be ruined and we will get divorced.

And it’s not just me.  It’s women across the land.

Men just don’t seem to engage in the holiday hustle bustle.

Why would they??? We do EVERYTHING for them!!

Are they assholes?

Or are we?

I work in a retail environment and if I had a dime for every woman throughout December bought herself something and told me she was putting the item into her own stocking…..

We have even given up on the men actually buying OUR gifts!!

One year I gave Mr. Gaga no direction and thought “If he loves me then he must pay attention to what I enjoy and like and he will get me something that I really deserve and love.”

Guess what he put in my stocking that year!

Just guess!

I will give you a hint….

It’s large enough to fill most of the stocking…..

It’s orange……

It rhymes with “Boda”

 

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

“WHAT. THE. FUCK?”

We almost got divorced that year.

“But you really like orange soda!” Mr. Gaga said as his defense.

“I can buy my own soda – you fucking asshole!” I screeched as I threw the soda out the window and buried my head under a blanket and cried.

I cancelled stockings after that in order to save my sanity and my marriage.

And now I have learned that hints and suggestions are for the best.

And now my heart soars that he even picked up the hint.

Gift cards are welcome here.

(Preferably to places that I frequent.)

And thank God Mr. Gaga actually realizes that after 19 years of togetherness.

I was showered with gift certificates, the kids were showered with various games and toys, Michael was showered with the WRONG LEGOS and all is right with the world.

FA LA LA LA LA.  Until next year…..

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A Meaningful Life


Here’s a little back story on Lady G.

I went to a prestigious New England prep school for highschool, where my horizons were broadened and I found a great appreciation for learning.

I went on to college, various internships and jobs in television production, PR, marketing.  Ultimately, Mr. Gaga and I ended up in Connecticut. I worked for a nonprofit doing program development, fundraising and grant writing.

Doing good works was not part of my plan. It’s not exactly what I thought was my cup of tea.

I found it a challenge, yet also found it fulfilling and worthwhile.  I felt good about working a 12 hour day to benefit sick children.  I felt much better about that than I did working a 12 hour day for Viacom.

When I was pregnant with Sam, the nonprofit shut its doors and I ended up home with a one-year-old, by default.

Something else that was not part of my plan.

While also rewarding and fulfilling in some ways, I have struggled to find myself and find meaning in life as a stay-at-home mom.

I have found it difficult to consider my children my sole reason for being.  I have shuddered to think that I was put on this earth to raise 2 children, grocery shop and keep the toilets clean.

Very early on I started working a mindless part-time job just to keep myself sane.  Let’s say for the sake of anonymity I sell push-up bras.  I help women to look good and feel good.  It’s fun. It’s harmless. Meaningful? Not so much.

This week I went to the CT Forum to hear a panel discussion on leading a meaningful life.

The panel included smart important people who were doing great things in the world.  One of the panelists was Tim Shriver, who besides being the son of Eunice Kennedy and Sargent Shriver, is the chairman of the Special Olympics.  He also went to Yale undergrad, and then to about 65 other schools to collect various degrees, and has 5 children, looks like a Kennedy, and is brother-in-laws with Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Around the time that Tim racked up yet another degree, I could be found doing very important works like emptying the dishwasher twice a day and organizing Legos.

Around the time that Tim racked up yet another degree, I could be found doing very important works like emptying the dishwasher twice a day and organizing Legos.

He was so dynamic when he spoke about the meaning of life, and how important it is to give back and to be someone who makes change in the world.

He has done so much and in the midst of it all his hair is always that perfect Kennedy hair that gives you hope and makes you feel all is right with the world.

It made me think about what I do.

You know…sell push up bras….clean the occasional toilet…..make dinner.

Hmmm.

Another panelist was a man named Larry Brilliant.  He has among other small tasks, headed the philanthropic arm of Google, cured 3 million people of blindness, and eradicated small pox.

The man is a genius, so I understand that I could never even dream of accomplishing anything that he has.

However the fact that while these people are changing the world, I am earnestly attempting to teach my husband and kids how to change the toilet paper, I literally cannot keep track of the socks of the 4 people who live in my house and  I have looked at my 2nd grader’s homework and found it overwhelming….probably indicates a slight problem.

“What am I going to do with my life?  You don’t understand because you have a purpose and your life has meaning….” I said to Mr. Gaga the next day with despair.

“Your life has meaning too, with your family.” he answered simply.

“That’s it? That’s my whole life? Just being a mom?” I asked incredulously.

“Yup.”

“What? That can’t be it! I don’t even think I am doing a good job with that…they watch SpongeBob and swear.” I said throwing myself onto my bed with dramatics.

“What will my tombstone say? Here lies Lady G, she sold push-up bras and called kids assholes on her blog?  And what about when the kids leave? What will I do then??”

“It will be time for us to be together, and enjoy life.” he said with a smile, imagining us probably on a beach somewhere loving each other.

All I could see in my mind were the creepy old people in the Cymbalta ad.

“WHAT?? NO!!!! I hate that plan!!! That’s a horrible plan!!!!

I stayed home emptying the dishwasher for 20 years for this?

I stayed home emptying the dishwasher for 20 years for this?

“Ok, great!” Mr. Gaga answered sarcastically, “Then go get a job you crazy bitch!”

(He didn’t say “crazy bitch” but I could see it in his eyeballs that he wanted to. He generally is very nice and patient, but can only take so much.)

Well, you will probably be working and the kids will be gone, and I will be home with like 5 cats….I guess I will just stare out the window and pet the cats all day.” I said with disgust.

“We are not getting cats….I hate cats.” he said firmly.

“So do I!!! I would never want a cat…but I think that when you are alone all the time with nothing to do that’s what happens! That’s the point! Your life is so boring and empty that you forget that you hate cats and you turn into a crazy cat lady.”

He just stared at me.

cats

How can I raise two children successfully and be fully invested in that, and still find a way to preserve a piece of myself, while simultaneously keeping Mr. Gaga around?

Does anyone have the answers??

This is probably why I have the tendency to be Lindsay Lohan…..just sayin.

It’s just not as easy as Tim Shriver’s hair makes it look.

PLEASE CLICK THE LINK BELOW …IT WILL MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I HAVE A PLACE IN THE WORLD….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Lady’s Favorite Things


So this is like Oprah’s Favorite things, except that I am just a little bit fat and not rich like Oprah…..and except 50 favorite things I have like 8…..and of the 8, I am only giving away one thing to one person…..so don’t get too excited.

A friend who is newly pregnant for the first time was complaining that she didn’t know what to ask her husband to get her for Christmas.

“Get something luxurious – because this is it for you sister…” I said knowingly.

“No way!!!” she responded not-knowingly.

I then guided her through Nordstrom pointing out some items to ask for that she would never think of until it was too late.

This has inspired me to compile a list of items to add to your wish list to help you survive motherhood….

Before you have children you have no idea how they will ruin you mentally and physically.

It is not something that happens overnight.

The graying, the aging, the dark-circling, the overall weathering….it’s a slow process.

When all is said and done, when your last child goes into school full-day, you will finally have a minute to look in the mirror and you will be frightened at what you see.

I remember thinking I looked completely hideous when Michael was a baby.

I look back at pictures from that time and I realize I looked like Gisele then compared to what I look like now.

There are ways to keep things somewhat under control….here are some tips:

#1 – UNDEREYE CONCEALER -I actually speak of this in my blog bio page – because I truly consider it a survival tool for motherhood.  Particularly Cle de Peau concealer, which retails for $70.  It is worth EVERY PENNY!!  It’s like a night’s sleep in a tube.

#2 – RAIN BOOTS – Somehow I avoided water and weather for 25 years.

Upon having children, every doctor’s appointment, music class and preschool time will magically coincide with torrential downpours.

My Tory Burch Rainboots are one of my best investments.  They get me out of a lot of jams….

boots

They can be Burberry or Hunter boots or Target…it doesn’t matter the brand…just do it.

It’s not enough that we are fat and tired??

The least we can do is have dry feet for god sakes.

3 – Keurig Coffeemaker – When my in-laws got this for us a couple of years ago, I was thinking I didn’t really need it and it would take up counter space.

Oh how wrong I was. I do need it.  You know how you offer a hot beverage to a mom or a kid when they are at your house for a playdate and they take you up on it??  That’s why you need this.

Or when you are running late and you don’t have time for the whole deal with the coffee pot?

Do it.

4 – Keratin Treatment – I have mentioned in the past how my hair resembles a dobie pad.    When you have small children and limited time to take care of yourself – and you have the same hair as Whoopi Goldberg this can be problematic.

This is the famous picture of me before I started doing keratin treatments....

This is the famous picture of me before I started doing keratin treatments….

Keratin is my friend.  These treatments allow me to go days without washing or blow-drying my hair.  It can be your friend too.  It can be pricey for treatments in the salon, but you can also try an at-home treatment.  You can enter to win a free one at http://theglossgirls.com

You’re welcome.

5 – Bissell Perfect Sweep Turbo – Listen – we all know I am not winning any cleaning awards anytime soon.  This little electric sweeper is the best thing to come into my household in a long time.  It actually can sweep up everything on bare floors or rugs with ease…including ……LEGOS!!!!!

bissell

Bissell was so kind to give me a complimentary sweeper last year – and since then countless friends and family have purchased one and loved them!!

6 – Waterproof Eye makeup:  – So somewhere between the lack of sleep, the hurried getting ready in the morning and the torrential downpours, there comes a need for waterproof eye makeup.

I totally had it together before the kids.  I had my cosmetics routine down pat.

Somehow the new wrinkles and puffs that children brought to my eye area, as well as the lack of time to do nice eye makeup – resulted in a black smudged mascara and liner all around my eyes on the daily.

If you think looking like a heroin addict is a cute look for the children’s library class, you are sadly mistaken.

The worst is when you don’t even realize you look like a lunatic until you get back into your car and you have already chatted it up with 5 moms and the librarian.

Sure, I would love to set up a playdate! Your house or mine??

Sure, I would love to set up a playdate! Your house or mine??

My absolute FAVORITE waterproof eye makeup tool is the Laura Mercier Caviar Stick...It can be eyeliner and shadow and it will not budge all day long.

I am giving one of you a Laura Mercier Caviar Stick in Smoke ($24) this week just because I love you…(see below for details)

Caviar_Stick_Smoke_4

7 – UGGS  –I truly don’t know what mothers did before UGGS were invented.  Pamela Anderson started the trend for moms to wear UGGS with anything and everything and thank God.  What would moms wear to the bus stop in the old days? KEDS? A heel??

Thanks again Pamela for being the voice of reason for moms across America......

Thanks again Pamela for being the voice of reason for moms across America……

It doesn’t matter if you think they are ugly.

It also doesn’t matter if they are no longer in style.

It’s a non-negotiable piece of “Mom-footwear.” Put one toe into these bad boys and there’s no going back.  Once your feet are inside these soft boots filled with what feels like clouds from heaven,  you won’t care if you look like Gene Simmons.

Come to think of it, with the makeup all over his face, the underwear with metal spikes on it in case your husband gets an ideas, the bad hair, and the ugly boots...Gene Simmons should be the mascot for motherhood.....

Come to think of it, with the makeup all over his face, the underwear with metal spikes on it to keep romance at bay, the bad hair, and the ugly boots…Gene Simmons should be the mascot for motherhood…..

And finally my number one item topping the list is something that I don’t have yet, but I know I should.  It is consistently on my to-get list, and I just never get around to doing it.

A CLEANING LADY!!!

I just never get around to hiring one and the next thing I know the bathrooms are disgusting and the Hoarders crew is at my house trying to interview me…..Sigh.

Now to the fun part –

If you SIGN UP FOR MY TWEETS  (@lgoogoogaga) you get one entry and

if  you LIKE ME ON FACEBOOK you get another entry towards the

LAURA MERCIER CAVIAR STICK that will change your life and ensure that you don’t look like a crystal meth addict the next time you are stuck in rain running errands…..

Winner will be picked randomly (US AND CANADA ONLY) between now and Sunday December 16th at 5 PM!

As a sidenote – none of the products mentioned above have been sent to me for review except for my BISSELL…..which frankly I think is just rude……

All of the opinions and mentions are my own opinion and I think you should listen to me – because I know what I am talking about…..just sayin.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK!!! YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MIGHT NEED SOME HELP WITH THEIR WISH LISTS THIS SEASON!!!!!

Be careful what you wish for…


When Sam went off to kindergarten, I cried as I walked back home.  Mr. Gaga and I sat on the front steps enjoying a few sips of morning coffee, and then off he went to work.  I stepped into the kitchen, wiped my tears, put my coffee cup in the sink and looked around.

We had spent the past two days frantically shopping and unpacking from vacation.  Mr. Gaga had been nice enough to make a big “back-to-school breakfast” for the kids, and the remaining pans with greasy bacon and crusted eggs were on the stove top.  The dishwasher was full and needed emptying, there were Legos all over the floor, a stack of papers that needed to be filled out and returned to school was scattered all over the kitchen island, cups and breakfast plates littered the counters.

The place was a shit hole.

I stared at the dishwasher and the weight of it coupled with the deafening silence of the house was too much to bear.

I turned on my heel and went up to my bedroom to get ready for work. (Although it would be nice to have time to myself – I knew it would be best for my mental health to be working that day.) If I had nowhere to be – I I would have surely dissolved into a hysterical mess on the floor in front of the dishwasher.

I had dreamt of this day for 7 years.  As soon as Michael’s head was crowning in the delivery room I was thinking about the day I could ditch him and have some “me” time.

I had wished many times for a day that I would be all alone and could drink my coffee in peace, and watch whatever morning program I wanted.  As I got ready for work I decided to turn on the television in my bedroom and watch Kelly Ripa.

After a couple of minutes I had to call my BF.

“Um – I have been waiting to watch Kelly for 7 years and today is the day – and it sucks.” I said sinking into a depression.

“Oh, yeah – it’s horrible, there’s some football player on it now….it’s not good,” she answered matter-of-factly.

So – all this time I have been watching morning cartoons, and I finally get to watch and there’s some weird football player instead of Regis?

Well, thank God I had somewhere to be – so I couldn’t get too upset.

As I made my way out the door to go to work – I remembered the filthy house.  As I shut the door behind me – I thought, “I’ll clean it up later, I’ll just tell Mr. Gaga that I was busy with…..too busy with….that I ….that I what??

Oh shit.

A newfound sense of dread crept through me as I drove to work pondering this little dilemma.  It seems that when those kids got on that bus to full-day school they took with them a long list of excuses that I will no longer be able to use.

Will I ever be able to say I’m tired again?

” Tired from what?” people will ask.

What will my answer be?

“Tired from walking 3 inches to the bus stop twice a day?”

“Tired from pouring cereal in two separate bowls in the morning?”

And what about Mr. Gaga? He’s never going to let me be “tired” again!!! In the past I could always block any romantic overtures with complaints of exhaustion so that I could watch my shows and relax at night.

I could bark out things like “I just breastfed your son all day, get away from me!” or “Don’t come near me I have been cleaning up vomit all day.”

Now what will I say? I better think of something or the Gaga household is going to be a lot more romantic than its been in approximately 7 years.

This should make your feet feel better after all that walking back and forth to the bus-stop ….now get upstairs!

Speaking of which – I would kill for a day of pampering at the spa.   But if I don’t clean or accomplish anything and take some “me” time, it will probably not look good.  I will just have to tell Mr. Gaga (and anyone else who asks) that I spend a lot of time volunteering at the kids’ classrooms.

Meanwhile, Mr. Gaga will think my toes are curled in the throes of ecstasy, but I will really just be hiding my pedicure.

If all of a sudden I start to look put together and well-groomed – it will be a signal that I have too much time on my hands.

Hmmm, I will have to wear a fake moustache when he’s around or he will totally know something is up!

“My day was sooo boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend I would volunteer with her at a soup kitchen today……”   “What? Oh, I know I keep meaning to wax my moustache but I haven’t had a minute!!!”

And then what? Is Mr. Gaga going to expect me to shave my legs on a regular basis?  I can’t really think of a reason why they wouldn’t be shaved… now that I have ALL DAY!!!

What will be next? Will I be expected to wear matching bra and underwear sets?  Will I have to throw out my maternity underwear once and for all?

Speaking of underwear, what reason will there be for people in the Gaga household to not have clean underwear anymore?  I certainly can no longer say I haven’t had a chance to do laundry…..

At one point this past holiday season, Mr. Gaga pointed out that he wore a pair of dirty underwear inside-out in an act of sheer desperation, because I had neglected the laundry for so long.

I don’t think that’s going to fly anymore.

Let’s face it. There’s no household chore I will be able to get out of.  I’ve been known to leave the house in the morning without emptying the dishwasher.  I would be out and about all day running errands and entertaining the children, and then I would watch Mr. Gaga do it at night while I made dinner.

“Sorry – I couldn’t get to it in between the library, the park, the playdate, and music class!” I would say.

And speaking of Mr. Gaga coming home from work….there have many days that I have met him in the driveway as he got out of his car.  Citing horrible children that were torturing me, I would leave frantically in search of a minute’s peace.  I would go anywhere to get away from the beasts and leave him to deal with them for an hour or two.

After I am home alone all day – I don’t think Mr. Gaga will like coming home to this anymore…..

Oh, and my car.  For the past 7 years, Mr. Gaga and any other responsible adult would be horrified upon entering my vehicle.  It is basically filled with pounds and pounds of beach sand from May to September, along with crushed goldfish, munchkin pieces, exploded Capri Sun containers, and used straws.

Now when someone sits in the back seat and leaves with sandy french fries on their ass, who can I blame?

Myself???  Oh the horror.

I guess the need for fast food will be out the window anyhow.  What reason will there be for no dinner? Could I say I just didn’t feel like it? Could I say that I spent the day watching television programs and forgot to plan for supper?

I don’t think so.

Oh how I love this new host with Kelly!! I can worry about dinner later…..

It seems to me I have my work cut out for me more than ever before.  Will it ever end??

Sigh.

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY…BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!  RIGHT NOW I WISH FOR YOU TO CLICK THE BANNER BELOW….IT’S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO…

XO LADYGOOGOOGAGA

Birthdays, Bikes and Bruises


I have been trying to slow down a little bit and enjoy my mornings with Sam. He has afternoon preschool so we have mornings together, which are often spent with visits to the dry cleaners, Target, and the grocery store.

I have been attempting to spend some more quality time with him and skip the trip to Target, as in a few short weeks he will graduate from preschool.

The start of kindergarten is essentially the beginning of a long road that takes him further and further away from me…..GULP.

There have been many times that I have wished for the speedy arrival of the day that both of my children are in some sort of full-day institution under the guidance of qualified professionals.

Let’s face it, I am many things but “qualified” is not one of them.  Additionally, since the time from when I drop off Sam at preschool until the time that I have to go back and pick him up is approximately 15 minutes, I look forward to having an entire day to myself!  This is has been 7 years coming, I deserve it!

I long for the day when I can go to the gym AND the store AND take a shower!!!  Now I have to make a choice.  If I exercise, I only have time to do one other thing – and showering doesn’t always fit into the equation.  There have many times that I have shown up sweaty and hideous, straight from a work-out to pick up Sam at preschool.

I actually started running a couple of years ago – when my older son started doing it.  This is a torturous activity but only requires sneakers and 30 minutes! This has been a great time-saver when I don’t have time to travel to the gym and participate in an hour-long class.

It will be quite luxurious to have 8 hour fall days to myself to do everything I want to do!!

Right? Wait, maybe not.  Maybe it will be devastating to have Sam gone.  Now that this time that I have longed for, is on the horizon, I am having second thoughts. I am feeling a little nostalgic and a panic-stricken.

Did I enjoy any of my time home with my kids or did I just yell at them since they were born and wish that they were in college?

I have been making a greater effort to appreciate my time with Sam.

This week was very special because he turned 5! I don’t know how my little tiny baby turned 5 so quickly…..but I made a great effort to make sure it was perfect.  This perfection entailed lots of emphasis on LEGO NINJAGO – his current obsession.  Apparently, LEGO isn’t too big into merchandising – so I had to really be creative with this theme.

I got these labels from my friend Nancy at “Sugar Coated Designs” – and I just had to get candy and fill them!!

I made these cups….(with help)

The really fancy part of the festivities was the cake.  A friend made this cake as a surprise for Sam……

Every single piece of this cake is made out of sugar…every little guy and every little sword and every Lego is edible. The only thing I did, was try to make the picture look like it says “SAM” to retain my anonymity.

Each kid got to take home a LEGO Ninjago Spinner and I hired an amazing face painter who also gave the kids glitter Star Wars tattoos.

My sister-in-law got Sam his own personal cape. It was the happiest two hours of his life.

This week Sam also learned how to ride his bike without training wheels.  This of course is a huge milestone!!  Does this mean I can officially throw out my strollers and baby tricycles?

He learned in one night with Mr. Gaga’s help.  He woke up the next morning, finished his breakfast, hopped off his stool and said very casually,

“I think I will go for a bike ride.”

He has been riding his bike up and down the street ever since.

There he goes…..without me or anyone helping him. I can be found behind that hedge hysterically crying and considering if I should have another baby since this one is apparently an adult.

He goes so fast on the bike and it breaks my heart a little bit to see him so old and independent.

Saturday night we went to my parent’s house and stayed over.  In the morning, I decided to go for a run.  Michael often comes with me on his bike and I thought it would be exciting for Sam to join in since he could now keep up with us on his “big-boy bike.”

I had to keep yelling at both of them to stay close to the grass because there are no sidewalks in my mother’s neighborhood, and they have a tendency to not pay attention to where they are riding – but aside from that they did awesome.

We went down 3 hills and Sam did a great job – using his brakes.  A few times I caught him watching his brother or daydreaming as his bike veered into the middle of the road.

“SAM!! Watch where you are going!!!” I would yell and he would snap to it and go back where he was supposed to. Other than that we had no major problems.  Life was good.

We were about a mile and a half into the run and making our way back to my parent’s house.

The sun was shining and it was an absolutely beautiful morning.

I was thinking,  “I could get used to this. Maybe it’s not so bad to have two older boys!”

Michael was in front of me riding his bike as fast as he could. We were rounding a corner and Sam was behind me trying to catch up to his brother.

I was sweating but keeping up a good pace, rocking out to “Call Me Maybe,” on my Ipod.

Out of nowhere – in a quick flash – I felt hot rubber crawling up the back of my legs.  My feet were twisted and tangled into something metal.

It happened so fast – I didn’t even know what was happening.

I screamed and put my hands out – but only one hand made it out in time.

My left shoulder smashed onto the hot pavement at the same time as both of my knees.

As soon as I fell down, Sam was pulling his bike off of me.  Michael had stopped and made his way back towards us.

Disoriented, I immediately rolled into a seated position on the street and sat staring at my sand and gravel-encrusted hand and bloody knees.

“SAM!!! You have to watch where you are going!!” I yelled.

Both kids looked down at me in speechless horror.

I had to get back to the house to assess the damage – but didn’t want to freak out the kids too badly, especially Sam who 2 minutes ago was the most proud he had ever been in his life.

Tears threatened to break through, as I stood up and felt sharp pains in my shoulder, wrist and both knees.

“Ok, let’s take a short-cut home, “I said calmly as I started jogging through an empty lot that would take us home quicker.

“Don’t run, Mama,” Michael yelled. I should have walked – but I was going to cry and I was completely working off adrenaline at that point.

We got home and I ran into the bathroom and cried hysterically while I dabbed at my bloody wounds and gasped for air.

Even thought it was an accident, I was so angry. I do everything I can for this kid and this is the thanks I get.

Mr. Gaga got me some bags of ice and some water.

In between tears I cried, “I just don’t want to be fat….IS IT TOO MUCH TO ASK???”

After all of my wounds were iced and cleaned – they didn’t look so bad.

This knee is the thanks I get for the totally awesome Ninjago party favors……

And this knee is the thanks I get for the totally awesome LEGO NINJAGO cake….

Thankfully I was wearing a short-sleeve shirt – so my shoulder is badly bruised and hurts but it’s not as bad as it would have been if I was wearing a tank-top.

My entire body is in pain from the impact of the fall.  My knees are jacked up – and I probably won’t be exercising anytime soon.

This is not how I wanted to make my appearance the first day on the beach.

Battered and bruised and bloody.

And fat.

Maybe some time to exercise alone in the fall- won’t be so bad after all.

SINCE I AM A COMPLETELY TORTURED INDIVIDUAL WHO TELLS YOU HER LIFE STORY EACH WEEK – THE LEAST YOU COULD DO IS CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO ACKNOWLEDGE THAT I AM VERY FUNNY!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

“Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”


The problem with “stay-cations” is that they are really just about “staying”  and not really much about  “cationing.” 

You stay home, cooking and cleaning and yelling at your kids, and then you say “I am on a “stay-cation!” and that’s supposed to change anything??

One good thing is that the weather was absolutely glorious this week – which was lovely, especially after Mr. Gaga and my brother worked 5 long days to put together our new playground!! 

At the end of the week – I got to have an actual girls’ getaway – with my sister-in-law and mother at the Waldorf Astoria.  I was looking forward to shopping, being pampered at Drybar and eating and drinking at amazing restaurants, like Le Cirque and  Il Buco Alimentari e Vineria

Life is great.

Only one problem.

My usual problem.

My rags.

I have been able to sneak by with fashion choices during the past few years – that have kept me somewhat in style. 

Mostly due to luck (thank you boyfriend blazer, Juicy Couture, UGGS, and ballet flats.) 

It was like fashion magic that as soon as I was too weak and fat to wear a heel or a pant with a button, the styles changed to suit my needs. 

And thank you, Pamela, for making it perfectly acceptable to wear UGGS with any outfit and making it cool to look like a lunatic while running errands....

It seems that the party is over.

Apparently while I was home wearing wifebeaters and flip-flops for 7 years,  the rest of the world time-traveled to 1985.

I totally had not realized that we had gone back to the 80’s  – and I needed clothes for my NYC stay. 

“Where should I go? I don’t even know what to do, I am such an old weathered nerd….” I asked my BF. 

What is your damage, Gaga?  Didn’t you blog about this a year ago and say you were going to Ann Taylor Loft?” she asked.

“Oh right….I never did that.”

This is always what happens to me.  I get by with my t-shirts and jeans and then when I have to go somewhere I am in trouble.

So off I went to Forever 21 and H&M to get something cool and trendy.

The entire store was filled with 80’s fashions.

80’s fashions were hard to pull off in the actual 80’s when I was 10.

This was my absolute favorite outfit circa 1988. I made these "jorts" myself - and my aunt made that Madonna t-shirt in art class- and we cut it into a half shirt. I distinctly remember laying on my bed and pulling the zipper up on those bad boys with a wire hanger. I don't really have that kind of time anymore.......

It is extremely hard to pull of now that I am in my 30’s, fat, have a muffin top……older.

Let’s just say that when you want nothing more than to look like this……

If you are an old weathered housewife – it ends up looking like this……

Apparently women that are still occasionally asked when they are due – do not look good in skin-tight neon pink pants and half shirts.

I came home defeated wearing a new black jacket and more wifebeaters.

What are you wearing?” asked Mr. Gaga.

” A jacket. It used to belong to Jimi Hendrix.” I replied.

“You bought a used jacket? What are we, poor?”

I decided I would just shop when I got to New York…. you know the land of skinny women who are on top of every trend. 

That was a totally awesome idea! 

NOT.

My sister-in-law and I went to Saks first, thinking it wouldn’t be as absurd as Forever 21.

When we arrived I realized that Saks had time traveled to the 80’s as well.  As I looked through the piles of colored neon pants, leggings with lace on the bottom and half shirts – I couldn’t believe my eyes.  I think I even say a t-shirt on it that said “RELAX.”

“I feel like I have already been down this road.” I said with shock to my sister-in-law, as I looked through a pile of jelly bracelets.

Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.” she answered cryptically.

“Huh?”

The store was filled with 80’s pants and I tried to narrow down my choices….

I finally narrowed it down to these 10.....

I asked a young man to help me choose something appropriate.  You should wear these – he said picking up the hot pink pair of skinny jeans.

“I don’t think so…” I answered.

“You should listen to me – I have been here for 7 1/2 years…I’m no dummy.” he answered.

I politely declined.

I finally settled on a coral cropped pair and paired it with coral nails and lips.  I considered a Swatch watch but felt it was too ridiculous and just picked up some feather earrings instead.   We spent HOURS shopping and we finally had some trendy pieces to work with.

We were so happy we finally had found a good outfit that we could wear to dinner that could also be worn when we take the kids to the park or playdates.....

I picked up some Rubix Cubes and some Garbage Pail Kids for Sam and Michael and headed back to the hotel to get ready.  We continued to enjoy our luxurious weekend of eating and drinking.

By the time I got home I was fully relaxed, completely comfortable with my new 80’s fashions and feeling very pampered.

I was thrust back to reality right when I came home to see filthy bedrooms with Lego pieces everywhere, laundry to the ceiling, and no food in the refrigerator.

I looked at Mr. Gaga who was watching a game.

“I don’t belong here, I feel it, don’t you think I feel it! I can’t do any of these vile things and I wouldn’t WANT to. Oh, my life is like death! My children are the spawn of hell, and you’re the devil. Oh God!”

He looked up at me and then looked back at the television.

Corn nuts.

So in honor of the fact that we have time-traveled to the 80’s I felt compelled to incorporate 6 movie quotes from the 80’s……

What are some of your favorite quote from the 80’s???

Preschool Mother Fail


So I have been back to stay-at-home mom for the most part lately – since my little work project forced me to abandon my family over the holidays. 

When you are home face to face with what really needs to be done in the house and with the children – it is quite daunting.

When I was on the go – scrambling to stay alive – I didn’t have time to notice that the hallway needs to be painted or that my youngest child thinks that he spells his name “MAS.”

I didn’t really care if chicken fingers were on the menu again for dinner or if my older child got school “lunch” on the disgusting “Nacho Day.”

So – I have had a little more time to feel guilty or feel like a failure lately.  (Although I got the hallway painted and had an amazing decorator help me to “style” a shelf in my house!!)  It is quite nice to have a minute to get some little areas of my house cleaned up and looking nice.

The shelf – previously was known for featuring dust bunnies and lego pieces – and I told the kids that it is now off-limits.  Once they understood they could never touch the shelf again -they took it very seriously and put this up in front of the shelf – so even they seem happy to have a home that is somewhat in order….

I digress.  Back to being a failure.

Last week – as I was picking up Sam from school I heard one of the other mothers mention that she had forgotten to do the homework.

“What homework?” I asked.

“Oh – they sent home a sheet about their weekly activities – and it said it on the bottom.” the mom said nonchalantly.

“What? I threw that sheet in the garbage! What is the homework?”  I was panicking now.   I try to not be a completely horrible mother – and blatantly throwing homework assignments in the garbage doesn’t exactly line me up for “Mother of the Year.”

“It’s something about “environmental words” – like cut out words and paste them to a paper and send it in,” this former-teacher mom said as she buckled her baby into her car. “They are going to post the pages on their “word-wall.”

“Wait – like what kind of words?” I asked as Sam ran away towards the car.

“I don’t know – like words about the environment – like grass or sky?” she answered.

This didn’t sound like preschool homework to me.

“Sam – do you have a “word-wall” in your class?” I asked peering back at him in the rearview mirror as we drove home.

“Ummmm…..can I have a snack?” he answered distractedly looking out the window.

“Listen to me!! Do you know what the environment is?” I demanded.

“I’m sexy and I know it….” he sang in response.

I turned off the radio in frustration. “Sam – do you know what smog is?” I looked back one more time as I pulled in to the driveway.

“MOOMM!!!  I don’t know what you are talking about!!” he yelled.  (He doesn’t respond well to questions right after school – I think it’s a “boy-thing.”)

By the time I got home I was very concerned with the fact that I would be handing in the preschool homework! late, and on top of it – I didn’t really know how to do it.

I had no choice.

I had to call the teacher.

“Hi Mrs. M….this is Lady goo goo gaga…..I just had to call you because….well – I don’t understand the homework.”

Silence.

She then explained that an “environmental sight word” is a word like TARGET – that Sam knows – only because its part of a logo – but it’s a first step towards reading.   He also knows Dunkin Donuts, Big Y, Starbucks, and Goldfish.

These are all words that we cut out and pasted to a piece of paper.

“Thank God – I called!” I said, “I was going to send in a picture of smog!”

This is the diagram I made with Sam when we got home but something just didn't seem right about this........

She laughed.

But is it really funny?

Is it really funny that I am failing the preschool homework?

Probably not.

Which is maybe why I felt it was time for me to accept another huge work assignment that will have me working in NYC a lot and basically abandoning my family for two weeks.

Oh -and Mr. Gaga has his follow-up colonoscopy next week – and yes my father will be bringing him….again.

It will all work out…….right???

Wish me luck.

PLEASE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW….I MIGHT NOT BE THE BRIGHTEST MOTHER IN AMERICA BUT I SURE AM THE FUNNIEST….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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