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Category Archives: kids that are brats

WHAT I LEARNED IN 2014


Every year – I review my top blog posts of the year just to give a recap of all that was important and funny to us each month….

I love doing this for two reasons – One is that I get to really take a look back at what resonated with my readers and two is that quite frankly I have amnesia – so it’s a nice way for me to remember what I did for twelve months…..

In January I learned that I am not the only one that is disturbed by what is considered “news” in this country.

This was one of my most popular posts of the year and 149 people commented on it!!  I noticed that the news that week was all about stuff that’s not news at all.

Included but not limited to a statement put out by the Sesame Street PR team saying that the Sesame Street residents were going to be making healthier choices in 2014.

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

 

The news reporting throughout the year didn’t get much better – but at least we had a good laugh about it….

In February I learned that I can’t just eat and drink with reckless abandon.

We had some snow days and I ended up milling about inside just eating and drinking.
I made a delectable French Onion soup in my crock pot and drank a vat of wine one weekend….

And then I looked in the mirror.

 

 

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes....

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes….

In March I learned that the “Common core is a piece of shit….

As Michael’s third grade math homework got more and more detail-oriented I lost interest completely.  Both kids were expected to show their work for each math question and math problems that took us 5 minutes in the 1980’s now take children hours to complete.

Sam especially got frustrated when he had to fill out a sheet of missing numbers in a pattern and write a sentence explaining how he knew which numbers were missing:

 

 

 

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

So many of you commented that you felt the same frustration as me and Sam and Michael – this warmed my heart.

 

In April I learned that if I fell ill – everyone would survive…

I could not get out of bed for a couple of days and life went on without me.  Mr. Gaga was very doting and helpful.  However the children wore the same clothes for days and survived on inappropriate food choices….

One night I could hear Mr. Gaga say “Sure – No problem!” after Sam requested chicken fingers, hot dogs and a cheeseburger for dinner…

"Caarrottss.." I squeaked out...."and just one entree." I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

“Caarrottss..” I squeaked out….”and just one entree.” I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

In May I learned that I miss Jane Fonda – and so do you….

I know that I eat too much and drink too much.

I know that I should be working out harder to burn off all of these calories – but I am sick and tired of all of this Crossfit and bootcamp bullshit – and I learned that many of you are too!! What happened to the good old days in the 1980’s when our mothers just power-walked and did Jane Fonda floor exercises and were skinny??

Why does our generation of women have to toss tires around and do these vile exercises called “burpees” to not be obese??

I usually just do

I usually just do step 1 and then step 5 and hope nobody noticed……

In June I learned that children can be evil....

When I abruptly had to drop what I was doing and bring Michael to school one morning with no makeup on – one of Sam’s classmates asked him why I had so many wrinkles.

The horror of that day has not worn off yet….

I mean I am pretty banged up - but not really that wrinkled per se......

I mean I am pretty banged up – but not really that wrinkled per se……

In July I learned that Hershey Park is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Being the great mother that I am – A friend and I took our kids to Hershey Park and were very disappointed.

The highlight of that trip was when a middle-aged woman came shooting out of a water slide tunnel missing her bathing suit bottoms while I waited patiently for my kids right in perfect view of her bits and pieces….

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened....

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened….

In August I learned that parents today have too much time on their hands.

I dread the end of summer and I vowed to not get pressured into anything that I don’t feel comfortable with during the 2014 start of school.

I included in my list of things I WILL NOT DO EVER – a crafty idea that some parents are doing which is decorate your child’s sandwich bag.

So instead of interacting with other children - kids will sit in the caf completing some maze that their dick-head parents made....

So the idea here is that instead of interacting with other children – kids will sit in the cafeteria completing some maze that their dick-head parents made….

In September I learned that even a 2 minute movie preview can wreak havoc on our quality of life….

When Warner Brothers decided to play the trailer to their movie Annabelle during the Today Show commercials – my children were traumatized for weeks.

We had just splurged and bought a new bed but I had no sleep because Michael was in my bed crying every night….

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

In October I learned that there are ways to avoid Ebola

Everyone was talking about Ebola in the fall and I was extra careful in my attempts to stay Ebola-free.  I shared some of my great ideas with all of you – so that we could all stay healthy and safe.

Especially during the Halloween season – it’s best to not consume any home-made items or loose candies that are not in a package….

If you get any of these "Ebola Balls" or loose candy corns .....throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

If you get any of these “Ebola Balls” or loose candy corns …..throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

In November I learned that the “Elf” creators are money-hungry bitches….

I just hate the Elf and it’s creators.  In November these greedy bitches took things a step too far by creating a “Birthday Elf.”  It’s not enough that we run around playing their reindeer games all of December – waking up in cold sweats each night realizing we forgot to hide the elf.

Now these people want us to buy the “Birthday Elf” so that the Elf can visit your child for his or her birthday to the tune of $19.99.

I find this highly offensive.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

In December I learned that I can use the “Elf” for good after all.….

In a cruel twist of fate when Mr. Gaga’s irresponsible behavior threatened to destroy Christmas, I relied on the Elf to save the day.  I used him to get an important message to Michael regarding a LEGO mixup at Santa’s workshop and it worked.

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

We survived Christmas without a divorce and the Elf is safely put away until next November.

I am so grateful to have had another full year of blogging under my belt and especially grateful to you all that keep tuning in to read each Sunday night or Monday morning….

THANKS FOR READING AND HERE’S TO A GREAT 2015!! xoxo, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!

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Aging is a Bitch and so is Tina.


I have shared what a negligent mother I am in the mornings.

We usually wake up around 7:45.

The boys get dressed and do their hair, while I stumble around the kitchen, sans bra, throwing shit into their lunchboxes frantically.

They come down eat some cereal and then run back upstairs to brush their teeth. I sip coffee while they frantically come back down the stairs searching for shoes and backpacks.

The bus arrives at the end of our street at 8:05.

You can imagine that this schedule could get tricky.  One false move….

One fight over the hair gel, one missing shoe that cannot be found, one unsigned homework assignment, one discovery that there’s no bread or juiceboxes….and the whole thing falls apart.

Luckily, if we open our front door and the bus is pulling up to the bus stop, our bus driver, Rose, will always wait for Sam and Michael.  The kids will run for their lives down the street.

Since the last thing I ever want to do a mere twenty minutes after waking up is make small talk at the bus stop – I stopped going about a year ago.

I usually just watch them book down the street at warp speeds – make sure they get to the bus safely and go back inside.

I think a hundred yard dash is a healthy way to start the morning...

I think a hundred yard dash is a healthy way to start the morning…

 

Last week I bought Rose a gift card and the kids made her a card that said “Thank you for always waiting for us, you are a great bus driver!”

I placed the card on the table by the front door so we wouldn’t forget about it.

Monday morning I forgot to make sure the boys took the card.

Tuesday they remembered but Rose wasn’t driving the bus.

I called the bus company and they said they weren’t sure if Rose would be on the bus for the last two days of school, but they would be happy to forward the card to her if I mailed it to them.

The next morning, after the kids ran out the door I ran upstairs to get ready for work.  Although I usually watch them make it to the bus – it was the second to last day of school and I figured they would be fine.

I needed to get a head start on getting ready for work, as I was looking particularly hideous.  I had washed my hair the night before and it was in a wet frizzy bun on top of my head and my face was tired and puffy from allergies and black eye-makeup  was smudged around my eyes from the day before.

Nobody wants to see this first thing in the morning...

Nobody wants to see this first thing in the morning…

I needed extra time to blowdry my rat’s nest of hair and fix my mug.

I put on a work shirt and before I could strip off my yoga pants and take my hair  down, I heard Michael come back inside.

I peered down the stairs.

“It’s Rose!” he panted as he grabbed the card off of the table and ran back out the door.

Doubtful that Rose would actually wait this long for him, I peered out my bedroom window and watched Michael running down the street as the bus pulled away.  He kept running around the corner out of my view and I thought maybe she had stopped for him.

Two seconds later, he was walking down the street hysterically crying.

I ran outside. “What happened?”

“I told Sam to tell Rose to wait for me and he didn’t!” he yelled in between sobs. “I hate him – he’s the worst brother ever.”

“Ok well get in the car I will drive you to school.” I answered, standing on the front steps in my work shirt and yoga pants.

“I want to take the bus!” he wailed. “Quick try to catch the bus – maybe I can get on at the next stop!” he screeched.

I ran inside to put on some flip flops and quickly looked at myself and considered what I was about to do.

Nobody wants to see this first thing in the morning...

Nobody wants to see this first thing in the morning…

 

“But I won’t get out of the car,” I thought to myself and headed out to meet Michael in the car.  He was completely hysterical.  “When I find Sam I am going to beat him up!” he yelled from the back seat while I followed the bus route to no avail.

“I can’t catch the bus Michael – it’s not a big deal… I will bring you to school.  I am sure there’s a logical explanation for this.” I said peering back at his red face in the rearview mirror.

He was inconsolable.

“He’s the worst! I told him to tell her to wait for me and he just got on the bus and didn’t tell her to wait! I am going to find him and beat him up!” he wailed as I pulled into the school parking lot.

I had a real dilemma.

He was out of control.  What if he went and found Sam outside and they got in a fist fight?

I got out of the car.

“Now because of you – I have to get out of the car looking hideous.” I said between gritted teeth as I slammed the door shut.  “Let’s find Sam and figure out what happened.”

I threw my sunglasses on and ran through groups of chattering children towards the area where Sam’s class lined up.  Michael ran ahead of me.   As we got closer to Sam, Michael ran past and headed to his classroom.

I looked after him astonished. After all this he had apparently lost interest and I found myself standing alone in front of Sam’s class as they lined up outside the building.

“Hi Mom,” Sam waved smiling.

"What is wrong with you? Why didn't you tell Rose to wait for your brother?"

“What is wrong with you? Why didn’t you tell Rose to wait for your brother?”

“I forgot.” he shrugged.

I rolled my eyes under my dark glasses and turned and ran back to my car – praying that nobody would see me.

That afternoon when the kids got home I asked if they had resolved their differences.

“Oh yeah – it’s fine.” they answered nonchalantly.

“Oh great – after I had to go out in public looking like a lunatic.” I answered.

“Oh yeah,” Sam answered with a grimace.

“What? Why are you making that face?” I demanded.

He looked up at me with a pleading look on his face, “I don’t want to tell you…” he squeaked.

“Saammm….” I said slowly.

“I really don’t know how to tell you this….” he said quietly.

“Tell me now.”

“Well – do you know when you came up to my class line?” he said slowly.

“Yeesss…” I answered impatiently.

“Well when you left – this girl Tina in my class said to me “Wow – why does your mom have so many wrinkles?”

After they woke me up I went fucking ballistic.

After they woke me up I went fucking ballistic.

“Who said it Sam? Who is she?” I screeched.

“Tina Roode.” he answered gravely.

“No really  – What’s her real last name?” I demanded of him.

“It’s really Roode! and she’s rude!” he answered matter-of-factly. “And I told her, ‘Don’t ever talk to me again’ and then I ignored her.”

“But she just kept talking about your wrinkles all day.” he sighed.

“What the hell did she say?” I yelled.

“She just kept saying,” Your mom has wrinkles, your mom has wrinkles.” he said with exasperation.

“Sam – so help me God – you better never talk to this girl for the rest of your life. I don’t care if you are a senior in highschool – you better never NEVER!! have any interactions with her.  She is a very rude, troubled little girl and she has messed with the wrong person!!” I screamed as he looked at me like a deer in headlights.

I was beside myself.

I ran to the mirror and tried to imagine how I would look to a 6 year-old.

I mean I am pretty banged up - but not really that wrinkled per se......

I mean I am pretty banged up – but not really that wrinkled per se……

“I need Botox – this is horrible I am an ugly person.” I said to myself in the mirror.

“No mom you are very pretty.” Michael and Sam pleaded with me – their faces ridden with worry as their mother crumbled before their very eyes.

“Well except in the morning…” Sam said matter-of-factly.

I turned quickly and stared him down.

“No….he means because – you know ….you forget to wear bras.” Michael interjected to save Sam.

I laughed. “Well that’s true.”

I called Mr. Gaga at work and told him the story.

“Can you believe this fucking bitch?” I said venomously.

“So you are calling me at work to tell me that you have a war with a 6-year-old?” he answered impatiently.

“Are you not fazed that these children are fucking evil??” I asked in despair.

“I can tell you right now who’s mother’s looked like shit when I was in first grade and I would NEVER say it aloud when I was a child!!  What kind of horrible person would say such a thing?” I rattled on.

“I don’t know…” Mr. Gaga answered robotically.

“Well let me tell you – Sam is very attractive and there will come a day when this bitch will want to have sex with him and I am going to be sure that I shut it down real fast…” I said hysterically.

“Um – I have to go.” Mr. Gaga answered with disgust.

I hung up.

How dare a first grader make fun of a classmates mother to his face? Are children this troubled? How does a 6-year-old girl even know that calling someone “wrinkled” is the worst insult she could ever say?

I guess we can forget any hope of innocent sweet children after age 3 around here.

The Gaga’s need a ten week break from the evil and demented children of Goopville.

That last day of school could not come fast enough.

The irony is not lost on me that this all happened because the bus driver didn’t wait for Michael when he was simply trying to give her a card that said “Thanks for always waiting for me.”

It’s time for some sun and to spend time with people who won’t hurl insults at me or my children.

Does anyone know where I can find people like that????

HAPPY SUMMER!!!!

AFTER BEING VERBALLY ASSAULTED BY A FIRST GRADER I DESERVE A CLICK OF THE BANNER BELOW!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Caillou…The Silent Killer


Before kids, I remember parents complaining about Barney and the Wiggles regularly.  I never once turned on Barney for my kids for fear that I would have to listen to and look at that purple beast.

The Wiggles didn’t really bother me and as soon as I realized that they put my children into a trance, I put them on all the time.

Before we knew it – we all knew every dance move and every song lyric.  Mr. Gaga and I even rocked out and sang every song took the kids to two Wiggles Concerts.  It was around this time that I had two little babies that needed my constant attention.  The 22 minutes of peace that I had sitting on the couch in a vegetative state while they sang “Fruit Salad,” was the highlight of my day.

I remember too – that there was an episode on at 6:30 am and I would sometimes sit with my coffee riddled with exhaustion and actually think that Captain Feathersword was hot.  It could have been lack of sleep or lack of adult interaction, either way those Wiggles brought me a lot of joy.

After I asked Mr. Gaga to come to bed wearing a Captain Feathersword outfit - he banned me from watching...

After I asked Mr. Gaga to come to bed wearing a Captain Feathersword outfit – he banned me from watching…

I actually was a bit sad to see them go  – only to be replaced by new weird 2013 Wiggles.

Really? A Wiggle-ette? No...I'm not tuning in for this shit....

Really? A Wiggle-ette? No…I’m not tuning in for this shit….

Recently a friend was complaining about her kids watching Caillou.  I had a flashback to never ending afternoons with a baby and a preschooler.

It seems so long ago that I spent my afternoons making grilled cheese sandwiches while that annoying whiney brat Caillou droned on in the background.

“How come you didn’t warn me?” She asked in despair.

How come I didn’t warn her? I am not sure – but with that I realized that I really should warn people about this menace to society.

After preschool or whatever morning activity we had – we would come home for lunch and Caillou was always on.  It seemed harmless, so I would let the kids watch.

I did initially find the characters offensive due to their lack of style and the fact that poor Caillou had a clear case of alopecia that needed addressing – but I figured it couldn’t be too bad.

I am sure at some point he is going to notice that he is the only bald one and demand a wig....

I am sure at some point he is going to notice that he is the only bald one and demand a wig….

Episode by episode it became increasingly clear that this son of a bitch was a whining, rude little brat.  His parents don’t ever reprimand him for his wretched behavior because his family consists of an extremely medicated mother and a hippie Dad that doesn’t comb his hair and wears oversized Christmas turtlenecks everyday.

Do these people own mirrors??  If they are going to wear seasonaly inappropriate turtlenecks and not push up their headbands properly - can they at least match their clothes???

Do these people own mirrors?? If they are going to wear seasonally inappropriate turtlenecks and not push up their headbands properly – can they at least match their clothes???

As if their looks aren’t offensive enough, Caillou wanders through life complaining and demanding things.  You will notice that if your children watch this show – they actually learn step by step how to be a brat and how to throw tantrums.

This episode shows Caillou having a tantrum because he wants to go to the circus "RIGHT NOW!" Several children I know immediately started to throw tantrums "Caillou-style" after watching this...

This episode shows Caillou having a tantrum because he wants to go to the circus “RIGHT NOW!” Several children I know immediately started to throw tantrums “Caillou-style” after watching this…

It would take all my mental strength to get through the day with two little boys and their live crying and whining, Caillou’s whines and cries would go right through me and make me want to jump off the nearest cliff.

Thank you so much show creator Hélène Desputeaux for introducing this spoiled,  annoying person into our lives.  It’s not enough that we have to navigate the news and Annie and Bambi  without incident – not to mention the real live children that we have to interact with daily that are complete jerks, and their real live parents that look like Steven Keaton.  

Wouldn’t it be nice to have some pleasant afternoon programming for our children that is not filled with bald assholes?

New parents – consider yourself warned.

Do not turn on Caillou under any circumstance, even a Wiggle-ette will probably be better.

I asked Mr. Gaga to proofread this post.  He finished reading and looked up and said “What’s your point? You are just ripping on Caillou this week for no reason?”

Yes Mr. Gaga – yes I am.

Please share on FACEBOOK if you have ever experienced the TORTURES of CAILLOU and his stupid cat Gilbert and his medicated, turtleneck loving family!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Crying…America’s favorite past-time


All around America little children were crying this weekend, shitting their pants, and refusing to follow rules.

Was it the first day of preschool or lots of really bad playdates?

No.

It was “Opening Day” of baseball of course!!!

This is the start of baseball season.  A sport that is beloved by so many adults in the US that they sign their children up and drag them to a field weekly so that they can display bad behavior dressed up like Derek Jeter.

Mr. Gaga is a coach for Sam’s team of kindergarteners.

Most of them don’t know why they are there.

Most of them don’t listen.

Most of them are not capable of hitting or catching or running.

Saturday the little boy who was playing first base spent the entire game playing in the dirt around the base.

Mr. Gaga told him to stop.

The next time he looked the kid was back down on all fours rubbing dirt all over first base.

Mr. Gaga told him to get up.

The next batter came up to the plate, Mr. Gaga looked and the kid was making a sandcastle on the base.

He told him to stop making sandcastles.

The next time he looked…this is what he saw on first base.

At this point he just gave up....

At this point he just gave up….

When he looked over to see if the kid’s parents might mind that he was pretending to be at a beach instead of playing baseball he realized quickly there was no hope.

parents-cheering-at-grad

So then the next batter was up and Mr. Gaga didn’t bother with the first base kid.

The kid on the opposite team hit the ball and ran to first base.

This was major.

This kid must understand the game of baseball!

He must be decent at hitting AND running in the right direction!!

When he got to first base he stood on the base with pride.

Then he pissed his pants.

He stood there for a bit and then went to cry to his mother, but that part is not important.

What happened next was fascinating.

When the next batter got up and Mr. Gaga looked over at “sandcastle boy” he had mixed the urine puddle with the dirt to create a muddy texture perfect for sandcastle building.

Mr. Gaga didn’t bother trying to stop him and his parents were probably too busy playing Angry Birds to notice.

Finally Mr. Gaga did the right thing!!

He is WAY too nice to these fat losers little baseball players and their asshole parents    moms and dads.

Everyone in town should count their blessings that it is MR. and not MRS. Gaga that is the coach of this team of urine lovers.

Even the older kids still have some issues.

On Michael’s team of 8 YEAR OLD BOYS, every time one of the boys had to go on the field….HIS MOTHER HELD HIS HAND AND PHYSICALLY BROUGHT HIM OUT.

And there is still an awful lot of crying in baseball.  There was crying because they didn’t want to play, crying because they were out, crying because they didn’t hit the ball, crying because they pissed their pants…..

What I would pay to have this guy come and scream at all the kids....

What I would pay to have this guy come and scream at all the kids….

And one last perk to all of this of course……Just like last season.

It’s a tie.

Every game.

Because…….

“If you had fun….you won.”

Can you believe this horse shit?

What will happen when all these little pissy pants kids have to face the world??

God forbid when they ever lose…they are in for a real shock.

Because in real life when you spend your entire lesson game rolling around in dirt and piss….

Well…..you get some sort of bacterial infection and you lose.

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Blizzard Etiquette


Here in Connecticut we pretty much are at the point where we expect some sort of weather catastrophe every 2 months.

As usual, Blizzard Charlotte didn’t disappoint.

Gone are the days when there’s a snow storm and you stay home for a day, make a snowman, drink some hot chocolate and proceed with business as usual the next day.

Oh no – the nonsense began on Thursday – and school is closed tomorrow.

That will be DAY 4 of being indoors as a happy family.

Thursday and Friday morning were more storm preparation days when everyone was driving around like maniacs stockpiling food and gas hoarding to get ready for the blizzard.

I get it – it’s unpleasant and stressful, but people need to calm the fuck down.

The world is not ending.

Calm down people and stop being assholes.

Precipitation is not a green light for you to let loose all of your bad personality traits on strangers. Here are some rules:

TEN RULES OF BLIZZARD ETIQUETTE:

1 – YOU DON’T NEED THAT MUCH BREAD:

Of course I was at the store with everyone else in the world on Thursday stocking up on food supplies for the weekend.  I was basically thinking snacks, lunch and dinner, maybe some brownies.

Lo and behold the shelves were bare, because people act like they are going to be stuck in their house for 6 months.  This was the bread aisle.

bread-aisle-pre-storm-photo-by-jenneen-lee

And then there was this….

banana

I know that bread and milk were sold out – but now you are all going to live off of bananas? And who’s the wise guy that just left behind a plantain and a box of firecrackers???

When I got home with a plantain and a box of firecrackers, I turned on the local news and they were interviewing a woman while she loaded up her car with groceries and she had no less than 50 loaves of bread in her trunk!!

BAD BLIZZARD ETIQUETTE YOU BREAD HOARDER!! DO YOU THINK YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON IN TOWN THAT MIGHT LIKE A SANDWICH??

2 – AT GAS STATION KEEP PURCHASES LIMITED TO GAS

So after the grocery store was a bust I headed out to get gas.  After going to a couple of gas stations that ran out of gas, I landed at one that just had 6 huge lines.  It’s hard to pick which line to jump into – but I chose to get behind a guy that had a little car and he was in the middle of pumping, so I figured he would be quick.

He finished pumping, hung up the gas nozzle, pressed some buttons and then moseyed on into the gas station.  Cursing him, I glanced into my rearview to see if I could back up and switch lines, but I was blocked in.

We were all very pissed off.   When it’s the end of the world, anything can cause a riot.

After 15 minutes of waiting as more and more cars lined up behind me, he came out with a COFFEE!!!!

By the time he came out with his coffee - I had destroyed the gas station and flipped his car out of the way.....

By the time he came out with his coffee – I had destroyed the gas station and flipped his car out of the way…..

NO!!!!

NOT ALLOWED!!!!!

If it is Blizzard prep time and there is a gas line – you need to get your mid-afternoon coffee elsewhere, my friend.

#3 – MAKE WISE CHOICES ABOUT WHERE TO HUNKER DOWN:

My parents took this opportunity to go to their beach house before the storm “because they have a generator there.”  I tried to convince them that it was a bad idea but they don’t listen.

So of the 9000 households in the entire state of Connecticut that lost power, guess which town they were all in?

The town where my parent’s have their beach house of course!!

And the generator that my parents were so excited about? Oh yeah.. it broke.

Great idea!!!

After my mother told me this I called her back to check and see if they had found a solution.

“Well your father went out back and he got the generator going, but when the power went on in the house it exploded the television and now something’s burning in the house and we don’t know where…I have to go.” she hung up abruptly.

Later they ran out of gas for the generator because they had not planned properly and ended up nearly freezing to death.

While the “end of the world” people are insane – people who don’t prepare at all and make horrible choices that are unsafe are equally as disturbing.

Just sayin….

#4 –TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY TO ACCOMPLISH SMALL TASKS:

Once you are snowed in – my theory is that it is a good time to organize, clean and get some projects done that you never have time for.

If you are left for too long with nothing to do it’s not good for you.  We went sledding today and a friend told me that her friend was going so crazy in the house with his wife and children that he signed up for Ashley Madison!!!!

I heard from friends and neighbors that were intoxicated for 3 days straight.

This is a perfect time to weed through the hoarding.

While I busily cleaned out Sam’s closet and shelves, I was knee-deep in LEGO’s and books when Sam casually mentioned that Mr. Gaga was snoring downstairs.

Not on my watch, buddy.  Too much down-time, sleeping, eating and drinking can lead to depression, fatness and divorce.

CLEAN AND ORGANIZE!!!  TRUST ME!

 #5 – WHEN THE SHIT HITS THE FAN HELP YOUR NEIGHBORS

Mr. Gaga would actually throw me into a burning fire to help strangers.  His “helpfulness” is a problem that we have been working on.

So it was shocking to me when our snowblower broke and we shoveled for 5 hours and nobody cared to help.

People with snowblowers just waved, zipped through their entire driveway and then dusted off their coats and headed indoors.

Are you kidding me??  Our cars were covered with so much snow that it took approximately 2 hours just to get them out.

car

We worked from 8:30 am until 12:30 to get this far…meanwhile our neighbor had done his entire driveway, dug out 4 cars and was sipping a scotch watching us out the window….

OUR BACKS ARE BROKEN YOU PIECE OF SHIT!!!

#6 – DON’T LOSE STEAM

When you live in Antarctica and everything you own is covered with 3 feet of snow, you lose sight of what’s ok and not ok.

For example, after 4 delirious hours of back-breaking work – the vehicle above looked like it was in good shape to us.

At the time, this is what we actually saw when we looked at it:

[pictures_4ever_eu]%20saab,%20car,%20tuning,%20palm%20trees,%20beach%20126592

So I understand how you can lose steam and get confused about what is appropriate, but you must completely uncover your windshield and car roof before departing.  It is a must.  I think it’s even the law.

If you have dug out your driveway and car – just take a minute and at least dust off the windshield.

My neighbor decided to leave today with about 3 inches of windshield space clear.

van

He just peeled out of his driveway with van like this….

This is not advisable.

#7 – MOTHERS DON’T LIKE SNOW

There’s nothing worse than having a broken back from shoveling, having to watch your neighbors smoke cigars in their freshly snowblown driveways, knowing that your insane parents are living in a cold, powerless house that may or may not be on fire and then having your wretched children through a snowball at you.

Snowmen, balls, and forts are all Mr. Gaga territory.  The end.

#8 – SLEDDING ETIQUETTE FOR MORONS

Back in the day, children had common sense and inherently knew enough not to walk back up the middle of the hill while 30 children are waiting to go down on their sleds.

Not today.

We took the kids sledding and several children (one that was especially bad) would just walk right up the hill so nobody could go and then she would sit her bratty ass right down in front of the kids that were waiting and take another turn!!!

I had 3 days indoors at this point so I was loudly disagreeing with this behavior.

“Is she fucking kidding me right now?” I asked Mr. Gaga loudly amidst parents and young children.

His eyes bulged out of his head.  “BE QUIET!” he muttered.

That was the first time.

Then she did it AGAIN!!!

“What is she a dick?? Where are her parents?” I demanded.

(*In today’s world – on top of the children being little assholes the parents are all on the hill with the children micromanaging the sledding operation.)

Mr. Gaga took the kids and sleds and diplomatically moved to a different area of the hill, before any more trouble brewed.

Thank God – because things were about to get ugly.

#9 -IF YOU JUST WAIT IT OUT, SOMEONE WILL GO INSANE

Because Mr. Gaga kind of steered me away from the brat on the hill, he thought  a crisis was averted.  However, what he failed to realize was that this town and in particular this hill was filled with little and big assholes.

Eventually it wasn’t just one little girl going up the wrong way…it was everyone!!!

hill

See how the children wait patiently at the top while 12 fucking twat-kids walk up the hill in front of them?

Finally, one of the kids couldn’t take it anymore and she went flying down the hill and took out a couple of kids.  Well, when that happened suddenly a dad went running down the hill to help his injured child and start yelling up the hill.

He was holding his enormous (too old to not know better 12-year-old daughter) and yelling at the whole crowd.

“PARENTS!! PARENTS!!! TELL YOUR CHILDREN TO WALK UP THE SIDE OF THE HILL!! THIS IS NOT SAFE!!!!”

Oh really you moron? You just noticed?

#10 – NO TEXTING IN THE MIDDLE OF A SLEDDING HILL

It’s really sad that today’s society is so dumb that this has to be on my list of rules.

At the end of all the sledding torture we were getting ready to leave and the safest way to get to the bottom of the hill and our car was to sled down.

I got ready to go.  I was on a saucer and Mr. Gaga was on a toboggan ahead of me, but we couldn’t go because there was a mother in the middle of the hill who had stopped midway up to TEXT!!

Yes – so I was waiting for her to finish her TEXT and move…but she didn’t.

“Just go.” I said to Mr. Gaga.

“We are going to knock her over,” he answered.

“Good – she deserves it.” I answered.

Off he went purposely veering his sled away from the texter.

Off I went gunning for her with all my might.

As I came about two feet away she looked up and took one step back, enough so I could only kick her lightly with my boot.

“Oops,” she said as I sped by.

Right….ooops lady….whatever helps you sleep at night.

STAY WARM AND PLEASE REMEMBER THESE TIPS THE NEXT TIME THERE IS A NATURAL DISASTER – WHICH ACCORDING TO MY CONNECTICUT CALCULATIONS SHOULD BE IN ABOUT 2 MONTHS….XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

ONLY A FEW DAYS LEFT TO VOTE!!!! PLEASE VOTE ONCE A DAY!!!

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Busses filled with Douche Canoes and other problems in America


When did kids turn into fucking assholes?

I think most children are born into this world as human beings that can be molded and shaped into good people, because most humans are inherently good.

I believe that children only turn evil and stupid because of their environment and their bad, bad parents.

I am certainly not the best parent and my kids are not the best kids, but I at least teach them basic MANNERS and difference between right and wrong!

For example – poking an adult’s stomach and calling her fat would be considered BAD!!!

So not only are the children in this world being tortured by bullies, but now children are bullying adults??!!!  WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?

Are the kids in this country so troubled and angry and ignorant that they don’t even know enough to not call an adult “fat?”  If you haven’t heard about how 4 middle school children tortured and bullied an older woman who was on a bus with them as a bus monitor, click here for the horrific story: http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/video/bus-monitor-bullied-students-caught-tape-16624456

I can distinctly remember the kids in my elementary school, my neighborhood and on my bus that were jerks.  There were like 3 in my whole childhood that I can vividly remember and they were deeply troubled.  One boy I remember, Tony Bizzuto used to eat dirt on the playground and later went to jail.

Today there are so many wretched, ill-mannered children that  I find it rare and refreshing when a child is friendly and nice.

Why?

Is it because nobody yells at their kids? Is it because everyone coddles their children and lets them cry and shit their pants during their baseball games?

Is it because all the kids do is play video games and they don’t know how to interact socially with others?

Today children are just rude, obnoxious and entitled.

How many times have you seen a child behave like a complete jerk and his or her parents say or do nothing in response?

When I was young if someone started being rude and disrespectful to an adult on the bus, we would all wait in silence to watch him or her get in trouble.

We would NEVER!!!! join in!!! The thought would never cross my mind to join in whatever bad behavior Tony Bizzuto was doing!  NEVER!!!!

I can’t say I am too surprised since I see children in preschool and 1st grade who have horrific social skills, zero manners, are unruly and disobedient, and do not respond appropriately towards other children.

I can only imagine what these little assholes will be like by the time they get to middle school.

Just today, my kids were wandering the beach while I sat reading my US Weekly. (my all-time favorite activity….this is what all good mothers should do with their leisure time!)

I saw my son Michael go up to the boardwalk and started talking to two children he had never met.

Sam walked away and headed back towards me.

“Michael is talking to those 2 kids.” he said with exasperation.

“Yeah – so…what’s he talking about?” I asked, not looking up from a riveting story that Tom Cruise’s publicist put together about how much everyone loves working Tom Cruise.

“Well…Michael is talking about foxes….but the kids aren’t answering him.”

I quickly looked up at the boardwalk and saw Michael walking away from the boys with his head down. My heart broke for him.

I knew he was probably talking about the fox that shows up in my parent’s yard all the time, and I knew that these boys, like so many children these days, just ignored him.

I cannot tell you how many times my children have tried to engage or talk with other children and the kids literally will not even respond at all.

Leaving school, the bus stop, parks, anywhere where Michael and Sam might see someone they know, they are quick to throw up their hand in a wave and shout “Bye Jeffrey!” or “Hi Ethan!”

In response……blank stares and silence.

This happens ALL THE TIME!

When Michael made is way down to me, I asked, “Were those kids talking to you?”

“No.” he said quietly.

“You were telling them about the fox?”

“Yeah.”

“And they didn’t answer you?”

“Have Sam tell you….”he said quietly as he walked towards the water.

What I really wanted to do was go up to the boardwalk and beat the shit out of those 2 losers.

You two douche bags better go listen to Michael’s very interesting story about a fox right now!!!

I grabbed him and told him what I have said so many times before,

“Michael, sometimes kids have no manners, and it has nothing to do with you. Their parents have no manners either so they don’t teach their kids how to behave and they are horrible people.  You know there are lots of horrible children that you know…like Adrian and Whiney.”

“Yeah – I know, I don’t even care.” he shrugged and jumped in the water.

Thankfully – I actually think he truly doesn’t care, which is wonderful, because I don’t want him to stop being himself.  I don’t want him to feel weird or subconscious about randomly going up to a stranger and opening up a conversation about a fox. (Although – let’s face it, if he wasn’t 6 – that could be considered a little weird.)

Thankfully, I don’t particularly care for most children – so I am quick to point out when children we interact with have devil-like tendencies.

“Mom – can Tyler come over?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because he goes into all my cabinets and takes food without asking and doesn’t say thank you. He is very rude and you don’t need horrible people like that in your life.” I say.

Without skipping a beat – “Hhmm, ok – how about Johnny?” they will answer.

I have drilled it into them that horrible behavior is not to be tolerated.  I have pointed out many children as being rude and disrespectful, I can only hope as they grow and truly start to pick their friends they are able to find a couple of individuals who are kind and respectful.

Does anyone know where we can find children like that?

JUST BECAUSE I CALL SMALL CHILDREN DOUCHE CANOES DOESN’T MEAN I AM NOT FUNNY….IN FACT I THINK THAT’S ACTUALLY QUITE FUNNY AND DESERVES A CLICK OF THE OLD BANNER……XO, LADYGOOGOOGAGA

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