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Clothes Call


Last week some Florida schools were considering creating a mandatory dress code for parents.

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I know we are all thinking the same thing.  Florida schools are some of the worst in the country, surely they should be talking about teaching the children to read or spell or something.

However, before we are too quick to point out how dumb they are …..they might be on to something.

I know I wouldn’t mind if the Goopville Board of Ed put their foot down and started making some dress code rules around here.

I have drafted some guidelines for when they are ready to make it happen.  I am guilty of some these offenses and I think it would be nice if we could all get our acts together so that we don’t all mill about at our children’s school looking like a bunch of meth addicts:

Dress Code Rule#1 – Pajamas should not be worn after 8 am:

Listen you crusty disgusting pajama wearers…just how bad is your life that we have to look at this?

You can’t wake up like 5 minutes earlier and put on a god damn outfit?

What kind of message are you sending to your children and my children when you arrive anywhere (even the bus stop) in your crusty Old Navy performance fleece pajamas?

Is life such a struggle for you that you can’t take two minutes and throw on a pair of jeans and a t-shirt?

Just because you are not attending a workplace environment does not give you the license to wear sleepwear during the daylight hours.

I mean does your husband come home from work to find you in the pajamas you slept in the night before? It’s bad enough for those of us who unfortunately have to interact with you at the school but how long do you think you’re going to pull this before he gets a girlfriend?

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GET DRESSED PEOPLE!! It takes two seconds, and it let’s us know that you haven’t given up on life.

 

Dress code rule #2 – Stop wearing ugly shoes.

If you stop wearing sleepwear – please don’t take your feet out of slippers only to slip them in to something unsightly.

I understand everyone might not follow the fashion trends and keep up to speed on all of the hot footwear news.  I am totally guilty of attending the kids’ classrooms in Uggs or Nikes.

However, I cannot understand why here in Goopville I see many, many women and MEN who arrive to pick up their children or volunteer at their child’s school wearing jeans and this shoe:

45-Merrell-Women-s-Jungle-Moc-Loafers-3

This is a Merrell for those of you fashionable people who don’t know about such offensive things.

It’s for people who care SO  MUCH that their FOOT IS COMFORTABLE that they actually put these on every morning and head out the door!!!

People in this town just walk around with these bad boys on with a pair of white tube socks and mom jeans like it’s perfectly normal.

I’m sorry – are you actually hiking up Mt. Everest directly after school?

Do you have very bad bunions or corns on your foot and that requires you to wear geriatric like footwear?

Are you over the age of 70 years old?

Are you participating in the Tough Mudder competition after school?

I simply cannot fathom what would make a person wear these shoes around town as though it was perfectly acceptable.

DRESS CODE RULE #3 – No sweatpants, especially when worn by fathers:

First things first – sweatpants are pajamas in disguise.  You are not fooling anyone when you arrive in a public place wearing sweatpants.  Especially when they are of the elastic ankle variety.

Now, I understand it can get confusing because “workout clothes” have become somewhat the norm.

Somehow gym clothes have snuck into suburbia as acceptable daytime clothing.  I am guilty of it myself.  I go to the gym first thing in the morning and then I run a bunch of errands on my way home.  So basically I leave the gym with big sunglasses on,  zip my sweaty body into my lululemon hoodie and pray that nobody sees me.

However, I try to at least match and wear somewhat stylish gym clothes if I think I am attending the children’s school.

I certainly don’t arrive in sweatpants!

Many women wear their little lululemon outfits so that we know that they are very busy doing yoga and spinning and eating a gluten-free diet.

Then theirs the others that wear their sweats because they are too lazy to put on proper clothing.

The rule should be – if you arrive in exercise clothing – then you should be in some sort of fit shape.

MEN ESPECIALLY LISTEN UP! Don’t show up all fat and doughy wearing workout clothing to try to impress us….

Please wear some sort of loose-fitting Puma outfit or something.   Don’t wear sweatpants that are so tight I can see the outline of your balls for the love of Jesus!

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DRESS CODE RULE #4 – ADD SOME COLOR

This rule isn’t about “Dress” per se, but it’s about overall appearance.

At what point do you look in the mirror and see gray hair and an uneven, aging complexion and just smile and walk out the door?

Nothing says “I wish I was dead” more than a 38-year-old walking around with gray wiry hairs sticking out of a mangled ponytail that hasn’t been cut since the 1980’s and a rosacea filled face.

If you have gray hair and you are not in your 60’s then you must color the hairs.  It is very simple.

If you don’t have a lot of time or money you can do it yourself at home.

The same goes for your face.

“I don’t like to wear makeup.”

“I don’t like the feel of makeup on my face.”

“I don’t think I really need to wear makeup.”

“I don’t have time to wear makeup.”

My husband doesn’t like me to wear makeup.”

SHUT UP AND PUT ON SOME UNDEREYE CONCEALER AND MASCARA FOR THE LOVE OF GOD.

You look like a piece of shit.

I’m not quite sure what kind of glorious stuff you are seeing in the mirror in the morning but from where we are looking you can use a little something.

Here comes Heidi Klum walking down the street looking all naturally beautiful with no makeup on.  Does she say “I’m so beautiful that I am not going to wear makeup because I don’t need it?”

heidik

No.

She puts on some fucking makeup.

Guess what?

Here’s the kicker.

You’re not Heidi Klum.

DRESS CODE RULE #5 – ALL CLOTHING MUST FIT:

Whether it’s pajamas, yoga pants or your mom jeans -please choose clothes that are your size.

I know the years have not been kind, and believe me I have a muffin top that rivals no other.

However the children should not have to be subjected to seeing their friend’s mother or father wearing clothes that are too tight.

I see women that constantly wear too tight yoga pants that show every roll and cellulite dimple. And to add insult to injury I can see their maternity underwear outline perfectly.

Why are you subjecting us to this?

Why are you subjecting yourself to this?

Do you know that from the back you look like a garbage bag filled with doorknobs?

Do you know that when you are wearing spandex clothing you must wear a thong? It’s non-negotiable.

Is this because you have completely given up on life?

Also – have you considered the damage you are doing to the children if you go into the school to volunteer wearing clothes that don’t fit properly?

Do you think it’s fair to them that when they are trying to do their work at their desks they are at eye level to this?

 

cameltoe

 

Come on parents! Get your shit together!!!!

Let’s go back to the days when mothers cared what they looked like as to not embarrass their children.  Let’s give the children of America someone to look up to as civilized members of society; not someone who looks like a homeless ragamuffin.

 

I KNOW SOME OF YOU WILL BE MAD AT ME FOR MAKING FUN OF MERRELLS AND LULULEMON -BUT I DON’T CARE…IF YOU ARE NOT MAD AT ME PLEASE SHARE THIS POST ON FACEBOOK THIS WEEK!!  XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

 

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Unwanted Hair and House guests


The other day I picked up Michael from his after-school “Mad Science” program.  A little girl named Mary from Sam’s kindergarten class was left behind as all the parents were picking up their kids except for her.

She looked longingly at us as we all moved away from the doorway down the hall.  “Oh  – I feel bad for Mary,” I said to Sam as we walked to the car.

“Yeah, well – she has lice.” he said matter-of-factly as he hopped into the back seat.

“Wait, what?” I asked in a panic. I shouldn’t have been surprised since the child looks like her mother hadn’t combed her hair since she was born.

This was Mary at the open house for kindergarten. It’s no surprise that the lice took one look at her and saw a happy home.

Of course when a kid in the class has lice it’s not long before it starts hopping around to everyone, and I hadn’t received a note from the nurse.

“How do you know?” I demanded.

“She told us on the bus.” Michael answered.

“She just announced on the bus, “I have lice?” She doesn’t even care?” I asked incredulously.

They both shrugged and looked out the window.

Is this the world we live in now?  Where children are so immune to their peers being filthy with tangled hair filled with bugs?

My BF that lives in Rhode Island knew what to do. “Oh God – I spend hours in the morning putting gel and hairspray in the kids’ hair, lice don’t like hair products.”

This is where being guidos comes in handy.  We have been waking up a little early to be sure that everyone has their hair “did,” but now they help each other to be sure they have enough product in.

While everyone else’s kid in this town looks like they came straight off the set of the Brady Bunch, mine look like they are on their way to go clubbing at Karma.

Even though it’s excessive, I actually prefer it to the way other parents have their boys walking around looking like a Brady child.  It wasn’t cute in the 1970’s and it’s definitely not cute now.

I am sorry but this is just unacceptable. And seeing as its 2012, there’s really no need to send a boy to kindergarten looking like this….Why don’t you just put a big sign on his head saying “ATTENTION LICE! I HAVE DIRTY GIRL HAIR, COME LIVE IN IT!”

I had a crazy week that involved driving home at 2 am in a nor’easter, going to New York twice for work, and hiring babysitters and my husband for the morning “get-ready-for-school duty”, so it was nice to get to the weekend and not have to stress about gelling people’s hair.

Except one problem.  Michael came home with a stuffed animal frog.

His homework was to babysit this disgusting bedbugs collector  stuffed animal for the weekend, taking pictures and reporting on his fun times.

I find stuffed animals to be vile creatures filled with dust and dead skin cells.  I throw out as many as I can from the kids’ closets when they aren’t paying attention.  At fairs, they are not allowed to play any games that might win them a huge stuffed animal filled with styrofoam pellets.   The absolute bane of my existence is when people line the back of their car windows with little stuffed animals.

Is this person just trying to spark a fit of road rage for anyone driving behind him?                 What kind of sick maniac does this?

So imagine my alarm when I found out we were babysitting “Francisco” the stuffed frog.

I wanted to vomit when I came home and found it on the kitchen table. His frog fur was matted and thick, and he looked like he had been around for a very long time.

“What the fuck is this?” I yelled at Mr. Gaga as I drop-kicked the frog across the room, (which is my immediate reaction to dirty stuffed animals.)

“No Mom!!” Michael yelled as he retrieved the injured frog from the corner of the room. “This is my class frog!” he explained.  He was thrilled to tell me the news that he was in charge of entertaining the frog for the weekend and that he would have to take pictures and share with his class on Monday all of their adventures.

Friday night after a long week of working crazy hours, I promised the kids we could have movie night.  I actually vomited in my mouth when I turned to look at Michael and saw this.

All the hair gel in the world can’t save us now.

When Michael went to sleep, I had to steal the filthy animal and take care of business.   By the end of the weekend we had a couple of pictures and Michael wrote a nice story about what he did with the frog.  I had to “help him remember” though.  A few times he said “Wait, was Francisco with me on the swings?” or “Was Francisco with me at Grandma’s party?”

I assured him Francisco was by his side all weekend….

In fact, he spent a great deal of time doing what I wanted him to do.

First I soaked him with Lysol…..

One time Michael and Sam were looking frantically for the frog to play with.

I had to quickly and discreetly release him…..

He spent a good deal of time sealed in a plastic bag outside, in an effort to kill all the bed bugs and lice….(Your welcome Francisco and the rest of the class.)

Thank goodness the frog leaves tomorrow.

Let’s just hope he doesn’t leave any “friends” behind.

SO I HATE STUFFED ANIMALS….DOESN’T EVERYBODY???

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What I Learned…..and Ate (Storm Sandy Edition)


So after Mr. Gaga stacked the wood in a neat pile that he claimed would blow in a direction away from the house, we waited for Storm Sandy.

First thing we did Monday morning is eat a big breakfast, so we had sustenance to last through the next few days of cold, wet powerless torture.  I made pumpkin bread and eggs and sausage.

I took out meat to make burgers thinking that we could use the grill to make dinner since we wouldn’t be able to use the stove.   I had extra so we made a bunch of meatballs.  By lunch we still had power so we had delicious meatball grinders. (That’s what Connecticut people call heroes or subs.)

I told the kids to watch all the television they could stand because it could be weeks before they would watch T.V. again.

Then Mr. Gaga and I milled around the house looking out the window and waiting.  Nothing really ever happened by us, except for some wind and rain. At one point, Helen Hunt Mr. Gaga was looking out the window and said “Ooohh, there goes that tree branch.”

To distract ourselves, we snacked on Kettle Salt and Black Pepper chips which are the best chips you will ever eat, by the way, and stared incessantly at the news broadcasts.

By dinner-time there was still power and it was raining too hard to grill, so Mr. Gaga decided to steam the burgers with a technique he learned on Man vs. Food.   I don’t really know what he did but it was definitely one of the best burgers I have ever had in my life.

By Tuesday morning we had not lost power and we were in the clear.  The kids’ school had no power though so they were home until Thursday morning.  During that time we were lucky enough to enjoy Halloween, as last year it had been cancelled in our town.

We had friends showering and eating lunch during the day, that had lost power.  I made my amazing Stromboli breads and tuna sandwiches with my secret recipe of tuna with capers.  That night my brother brought over a vat of Paella soup that was the bomb which we ate with tons of bread and cheese and Reese’s peanut butter cups.

Thursday, my in-laws arrived from New York to move in with me due to their lack of power.  I cooked a huge pasta dinner and the next day we went out to lunch and ate amazing Lobster Grilled Cheese sandwiches from a local restaurant.  If you don’t believe me about their buttery deliciousness, just know that Oprah once sent Gayle across the country tasting sandwiches and this was one of her top picks!!

All of the food was washed down with heavy doses of wine and

Oh hello, I love you.

The gluttony continued right through today.

It is totally out of control.

This morning when Mr. Gaga came across my thong in the bed, he suggested we start laying off the Halloween candy.

But I cannot complain.

We have power and food and cars and gas.  I have been trying to keep things in perspective.  Ok – so I am fatter than ever and I have been cooking and cleaning and entertaining for a week straight.

Who cares?

In an effort to keep my negative thoughts to a minimum I aim to become very zen.

When “Whiney” showed up to the bus stop on Thursday with his usual Amy Winehouse hair and the shortest high water sweatpants I ever seen in my life I was so disgusted.

The old me would have thought, “Really? Whiney’s Mom, you had three days at home, you couldn’t pull out a pair of pants that fit and slap some water or gel on this kid’s head?  There are real people who would love to have access to a hair brush and water, and who are really wearing pants like that because there is a real flood, not just because they are a lazy asshole that doesn’t help their child get dressed for school.”

But I didn’t think any of that. I thought “I am so lucky to be able to walk to this bus stop on dry streets with my family, and who cares if I weigh 250 pounds overate a little bit, and I have to spend every morning with Whiney and his mother…..Life is good.

Normally, when 8-year-old boys arrive at the bus stop looking like this I get infuriated….but not this week. This picture might slightly exaggerate how short his pants are but the hair is almost an exact match.

And when you spend hours and days on end with people in your house, things start to wear on you.  Normally when the people who live in the Gaga household chew with their mouth open like barbarians, or breathe loudly through their nose, I want to murder them.  I can usually stare at the offender enough that he will get the message from my silent angry eyeballs, so I don’t have to say anything at all.

This week when the loud chewing and nose breathing was enough to send me to the mental institution.  I didn’t say anything and I even tried to limit my angry eyeballs.  Of course, don’t forget that I live with 3 boys, so the offenses are endless.  The filthy socks and hats thrown about, the pee misfires dripping off of toilet seats, the yelling and wrestling, etc. are a lot to take when everyone is stuck home for days on end.

I am really only here for like a day….I just needed a break from the bad table manners, nose whistling, and farts….

I realize that all of this is trivial and stupid.  I even felt that blogging about my life that’s filled with blessings and power and water, is almost disrespectful and ridiculous.

So I am trying to be better.  I am trying to be more positive and less hostile and unforgiving to nose-breathers and high-water pants wearers.

Not to worry – I am sure I will fail at this after a few weeks.

I really doubt I will be able to completely rid myself of all negative thoughts and ideas….

But if I succeed, this blog will be filled with love and peace and good will…..

So let’s hope I fail……

because who the hell wants to read about that shit??

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME…..QUICKLY BEFORE I COMPLETELY LOSE MY EDGE!! 

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

10 Reasons Why My Kids are Lucky to Have Me as their Mother


What?

Did you think I was going to get sentimental and mushy about how lucky I am to be a mother just because it’s Mother’s Day?

Nope, that’s not going to happen.

Of course, I absolutely love my boys more than words can say – but quite frankly that’s boring.

Who wants to hear about how great motherhood is and how blessed I am to have two gorgeous, happy, funny, sweet boys? 

I was thinking instead of talking about how great my kids are on MOTHER’S DAY I should talk about how great I AM!!!

TOP TEN REASONS WHY MY KIDS ARE LUCKY THAT I AM THEIR MOTHER:

1 – Of course – just stating the obvious here – but even though I am Italian and spent many years going tanning my kids are lucky enough that I don’t  roast them in a tanning bed.

2 – I let my children choose from refreshing beverages like milk or water and I give them Flintstones Vitamins with Extra C to build immunity!  I don’t breastfeed them until they are old enough to have one hand on a Wii controller and the other on my boob.

3 – If I did do something that could potentially scar them for life or embarrass them in front of their friends, I wouldn’t let some magazine reporter and photographer document said activity and publish it for the world to see.  I would not do that even if it was for the cover of TIME Magazine, because although I have a blog which could be seen as a touch narcissistic, I am not a complete asshole.  

*Side note: Although I would love to talk more about this – that is all I am going to say about US Weekly TIME Magazine!!  I see what you are doing MR. TIME Magazine Editor….I’ve got your number….and I am not going to give you the satisfaction of getting annoyed about it…..because that’s WHAT YOU WANT!!! You want us to all bicker and fight about who is the best MOM on MOTHER’S DAY!!! I am not going to do that.  I am just going to give a list of  why I AM THE BEST MOTHER…..for other reasons besides breastfeeding….because guess what???  BREASTFEEDING OR NOT BREASTFEEDING does not actually define MOTHERHOOD!!!

Anyhoo….

4 – I actually spend time with my kids. I take them to the park, or read books to them, or take them to the library instead of spending my time  “bullet-ing” all day like  many mothers in America.

5 – I could possibly be considered a “milf.”  This is especially noticeable when compared to the “milgamo’s” around this town.    (“Milgamo” stands for – “moms I’d like to give a make-over.) This doesn’t necessarily mean much – but when the kids are older I am sure they will take comfort in knowing that when I pick them up from school I won’t be wearing ‘mom-jeans.”

6 – Even though other mothers in town seem to “forget” to comb their children’s hair or let their hair grow to the floor because  “Johnny doesn’t like getting his hair cut,” I get my boys frequent haircuts and comb their hair regularly. 

I think it is important that they don’t look like drag queens on heroin at the bus stop – (like many young boys do these days.)

This little boy is in 1st grade with Michael and often sits next to him on the bus….

 7 – I make sure that my children are not fat and lazy.  On nice days I often send them outside and lock all the doors, keeping them out for long stretches of time. 

When they try to come inside and watch television or play video games, I yell and say “Do you want to be fat and lazy like all of your friends? Do you??” and shove them back out the door.

8 -I don’t really make them go to church.  My father made me go every living Sunday of my life.  I think my kids are pretty lucky that I am too lazy and tired and not-god-fearing enough, to make them go.  When we do go on occasion, if they laugh and act crazy, I probably join in instead of yelling at them.  (Sorry Jesus.)

9 – I keep it real.  I don’t hide the nitty-gritty facts of life.  The threat that my children might some day really end up in “bad boy school,” keeps  everyone on their toes around here.  “Bad boy school” is a place that my mother-in-law taught me about.  It is a place where boys go when they are mean and rotten and can be conveniently seen from the highway!  I drive fast enough by it that they never really get a good look. 

I always say “Oh look I see little sad faces peeking out the windows….See them??”

They always look out the window frantically with looks of horror – and say “Yes! I see them!!”

Otherwise known as the Colt Building in Hartford, it’s the “Bad Boy School” in the Gaga household. I always say as we drive by – “There it is kids! Keep it up and that’s where you will be living soon!”

10- I BLOG about my life and theirs – so they will have plenty of evidence of what a good mother I am and how much I love them!!!

HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF THE MOMS! AND AS A MOTHER’S DAY GIFT TO ME – PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW!!!XOXO, LADYGOOGOOGAGA

Scary Party and Scary Lunch


So – remember when my friend Martha had a party in her backyard and all hell broke loose?

And remember when we went to the party that was not a “traditional American” party?

Well – let’s say I have learned a little bit about birthday parties – and I have spent a small fortune on bouncing facilities, carousels, clowns, face painters, etc…..

So, I took a risk and hosted a Halloween party for Michael on Saturday!

I was a little concerned about hosting 16 kids in costume (9 of which came toting a light saber – which usually is a recipe for disaster.)  But I learned from Martha – and I only planned one structured activity.

So a good bulk of the party the kids were left to run wild – chasing each other with their weapons…..They loved it!!

Mr. Gaga and I even dressed up, we had a fog machine and a bloody hand like Martha had suggested and scary decorations.

I even made an amazing graveyard cake! 

I know what you are thinking....Don't worry I already started the ball rolling to appear on the next season of Cake Boss.....

There were no fights.

There were no tears.

I mean if this keeps up – I might have to end this blog….what is this world coming to??

And in other “Mother of the Year” news – I went to Michael’s school on Friday to have lunch with him for his birthday.  I have to say a couple of things about this……

(You didn’t think this was going to be all about happy children and good kids’ parties and being a good mom did you??)

Ok  – first of all, there is a new phenomenon where the children of today want their mother to be with them all the time.  

Can you believe this horse shit?

I understand it’s not the 1970’s anymore – when mother’s were not even watching us ……so involved.

However- if my mother even put one toe into my school cafeteria – I would have hidden under the table so fast or pretended I went blind like Mary from Little House on the Prairie.

(That show led me to believe that you could go completely blind at any minute for no good reason – so I would often stare straight ahead and pretend I went blind.)

This was me in 1985 - whenever my mother popped into the cafeteria to see how my day was going and bring me McDonald's.....

Not this generation. 

As a mother – this new attitude of loving your mother is great – because Michael was sooo excited to see me – his eyes lit up and he patted the seat next to him to show me where to sit…. ( my heart soared.)

It was ‘picture day” – so he looked especially cute with his hair gelled in his Ralph Lauren “handsome shirt,” waiting anxiously for my arrival.

I brought him McDonald’s in a Halloween Happy Meal container and I think he might have been as happy to see me as the food.

What???

I would have kept in character of a blind girl and felt around with my hands and snatched that Happy Meal and ran away.

But anyways – it was nice to sit and eat with my son and chat.  So when there was a lull in the conversation I took a second to look around at the surroundings and the other children.

I was so confused.

Wait a second……Did I get my dates mixed up? Is this “picture day” or is this “try out for the role of orphan in the production of “Annie?”

Some of the girls in Michael's class were practicing poses for their school picture....

I slowly started peering around table by table and assessing the situation.  I could not believe my eyes.   You know how I am not a fan of the latest craze of letting your kids go to school looking like heroin addicts with snarled hair, well that was just the tip of the iceberg.

Let me be clear – I live in an AFFLUENT TOWN. 

One child I know of that lives in a home that is approximately 6000 square feet and has live-in domestic help, had shorts on that looked like pajamas and a shirt that didn’t match.

What goes on in people’s homes in the morning? As I returned my attention back to the table I was at, I looked at the boy directly to the left of me.

I am not kidding you when I say that this was what this 7-year-old boy was wearing……

I had to stop myself from staring in horror openly.  God, my eyes……it would actually be good to be Mary in this cafeteria.

What the hell goes on????

Do people just not give a shit anymore??

At the very least could you give the kid something seasonally appropriate?

(It was 60 degrees and torrential downpours on Friday.)

I will say that whenever I get involved with the kids’ activities/school I get more glimpses of the bizarre world that we live in.

Is this just my town or is this a new phenomenon of parents everywhere?  Parents that are too tired, overwhelmed, old?? to care about minor things like combing their children’s hair or putting an outfit on their 7-year-old son – that is not his baby sister’s summer clothes…….

Either way – there’s one great thing about this…..

My kids look like freaking rock stars.

Oh and P.S. – I am keeping this all light and cute because if I stop and think about the fact that I have a 6-year-old!!!! I will cry…..so please click on the banner below to vote for me!!! Thanks so much! xoxox, Lady Goo Goo Gaga

Tangled


This week I took my kids for haircuts at a “kids haircuts” place.  It’s ridiculous to pay $18 for a buzz cut!! But they love going, so once in a while I will take them.  The reason why they love it so much is because they can play video games and listen to weird songs about haircuts sung by creepy animated scissors and hairspray cans. 

When I went to the counter to pay I noticed a sign that said:

 “IF WE HAVE TO COMB HAIR FOR MORE THAN 10 MINUTES TO GET TANGLES OUT, A FEE OF $16.95 WILL BE CHARGED.”

I said to the girl at the counter, “Just out of curiosity, why do you charge for this?”

She said that her staff was wasting a lot of time and running late a lot because of unexpected “snags” in their schedule, when parents would bring kids with rat’s nests on top of their heads.

“But how often does that really happen?” I scoffed.

She raised her eyebrows, “Enough for me to have to make a new policy and put that sign up.”

I wouldn’t let it go.

“But what do parents say? Are they annoyed or at least embarrassed if they have to pay the fee?”

“No – they don’t care, as long as they don’t have to deal with it, they say that they don’t brush their daughter’s hair for weeks, because they cry and they don’t like it.”

So let me get this straight, you let your kid walk around looking like Amy Winehouse so that she doesn’t have to experience the unpleasant feeling of a tangle.  What the hell is happening to this world??  Since when do kids rule our world? Comb your daughter’s hair for god sakes!!! Or don’t have kids!!

And this is not a white-trash, “my mother is a prostitute and doesn’t wake up in time to comb my hair” situation.  This salon is in a well-to-do town where ½ the moms are home with their kids and just can’t be bothered to groom their children.  I have seen this phenomenon far too much since we started preschool, and thanks to Justin Beiber, even boys come in to school or to the bus stop looking like heroine addicts. 

There is a 2nd grade boy at our bus stop who has hair that looks like this.......

 That would be the day that my father would let my brother walk around with long hair with big matted tangle balls hanging out of it, while my mother watched Days of Our Lives and talked on the phone.   If he ever came home after a long day of work and saw his son looking like one of the ratty ass kids I see all the time….he would commit my mother to a mental hospital.

Now – some of you are going to say “Oh – she has boys – she doesn’t know how hard it is to have girls.”

AM a girl. I had nappy frizzy hair to my butt and my mother put “No more tangles” spray in every night – and sat there and combed that shit out.  I hated it and I cried.  Nobody cared. 

And we are not doing these girls any favors by not letting them experience the discomfort of a snarl in their hair.  IT IS LIFE!!! Unless you want your next hair cut to be a “Brittney Spears meltdown”….Deal with it.

And moms -if you can’t handle your child’s slight discomfort from a comb in their hair…exactly what can we look forward to seeing at the bus stop when they get their periods?

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