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WHAT I LEARNED IN 2014


Every year – I review my top blog posts of the year just to give a recap of all that was important and funny to us each month….

I love doing this for two reasons – One is that I get to really take a look back at what resonated with my readers and two is that quite frankly I have amnesia – so it’s a nice way for me to remember what I did for twelve months…..

In January I learned that I am not the only one that is disturbed by what is considered “news” in this country.

This was one of my most popular posts of the year and 149 people commented on it!!  I noticed that the news that week was all about stuff that’s not news at all.

Included but not limited to a statement put out by the Sesame Street PR team saying that the Sesame Street residents were going to be making healthier choices in 2014.

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

 

The news reporting throughout the year didn’t get much better – but at least we had a good laugh about it….

In February I learned that I can’t just eat and drink with reckless abandon.

We had some snow days and I ended up milling about inside just eating and drinking.
I made a delectable French Onion soup in my crock pot and drank a vat of wine one weekend….

And then I looked in the mirror.

 

 

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes....

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes….

In March I learned that the “Common core is a piece of shit….

As Michael’s third grade math homework got more and more detail-oriented I lost interest completely.  Both kids were expected to show their work for each math question and math problems that took us 5 minutes in the 1980’s now take children hours to complete.

Sam especially got frustrated when he had to fill out a sheet of missing numbers in a pattern and write a sentence explaining how he knew which numbers were missing:

 

 

 

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

So many of you commented that you felt the same frustration as me and Sam and Michael – this warmed my heart.

 

In April I learned that if I fell ill – everyone would survive…

I could not get out of bed for a couple of days and life went on without me.  Mr. Gaga was very doting and helpful.  However the children wore the same clothes for days and survived on inappropriate food choices….

One night I could hear Mr. Gaga say “Sure – No problem!” after Sam requested chicken fingers, hot dogs and a cheeseburger for dinner…

"Caarrottss.." I squeaked out...."and just one entree." I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

“Caarrottss..” I squeaked out….”and just one entree.” I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

In May I learned that I miss Jane Fonda – and so do you….

I know that I eat too much and drink too much.

I know that I should be working out harder to burn off all of these calories – but I am sick and tired of all of this Crossfit and bootcamp bullshit – and I learned that many of you are too!! What happened to the good old days in the 1980’s when our mothers just power-walked and did Jane Fonda floor exercises and were skinny??

Why does our generation of women have to toss tires around and do these vile exercises called “burpees” to not be obese??

I usually just do

I usually just do step 1 and then step 5 and hope nobody noticed……

In June I learned that children can be evil....

When I abruptly had to drop what I was doing and bring Michael to school one morning with no makeup on – one of Sam’s classmates asked him why I had so many wrinkles.

The horror of that day has not worn off yet….

I mean I am pretty banged up - but not really that wrinkled per se......

I mean I am pretty banged up – but not really that wrinkled per se……

In July I learned that Hershey Park is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Being the great mother that I am – A friend and I took our kids to Hershey Park and were very disappointed.

The highlight of that trip was when a middle-aged woman came shooting out of a water slide tunnel missing her bathing suit bottoms while I waited patiently for my kids right in perfect view of her bits and pieces….

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened....

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened….

In August I learned that parents today have too much time on their hands.

I dread the end of summer and I vowed to not get pressured into anything that I don’t feel comfortable with during the 2014 start of school.

I included in my list of things I WILL NOT DO EVER – a crafty idea that some parents are doing which is decorate your child’s sandwich bag.

So instead of interacting with other children - kids will sit in the caf completing some maze that their dick-head parents made....

So the idea here is that instead of interacting with other children – kids will sit in the cafeteria completing some maze that their dick-head parents made….

In September I learned that even a 2 minute movie preview can wreak havoc on our quality of life….

When Warner Brothers decided to play the trailer to their movie Annabelle during the Today Show commercials – my children were traumatized for weeks.

We had just splurged and bought a new bed but I had no sleep because Michael was in my bed crying every night….

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

In October I learned that there are ways to avoid Ebola

Everyone was talking about Ebola in the fall and I was extra careful in my attempts to stay Ebola-free.  I shared some of my great ideas with all of you – so that we could all stay healthy and safe.

Especially during the Halloween season – it’s best to not consume any home-made items or loose candies that are not in a package….

If you get any of these "Ebola Balls" or loose candy corns .....throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

If you get any of these “Ebola Balls” or loose candy corns …..throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

In November I learned that the “Elf” creators are money-hungry bitches….

I just hate the Elf and it’s creators.  In November these greedy bitches took things a step too far by creating a “Birthday Elf.”  It’s not enough that we run around playing their reindeer games all of December – waking up in cold sweats each night realizing we forgot to hide the elf.

Now these people want us to buy the “Birthday Elf” so that the Elf can visit your child for his or her birthday to the tune of $19.99.

I find this highly offensive.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

In December I learned that I can use the “Elf” for good after all.….

In a cruel twist of fate when Mr. Gaga’s irresponsible behavior threatened to destroy Christmas, I relied on the Elf to save the day.  I used him to get an important message to Michael regarding a LEGO mixup at Santa’s workshop and it worked.

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

We survived Christmas without a divorce and the Elf is safely put away until next November.

I am so grateful to have had another full year of blogging under my belt and especially grateful to you all that keep tuning in to read each Sunday night or Monday morning….

THANKS FOR READING AND HERE’S TO A GREAT 2015!! xoxo, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!

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Well played


When Sam and Michael were younger and I wasn’t working, time seemed to stand still.

If they woke up early, as they usually did, I would sometimes hope it was dinnertime and it would only be 9 am.

I was not really ever the type of person that enjoyed children. I didn’t really ever envision myself staying home all day with babies and toddlers and playing with them.

But I did it.

I would care for them and play with them and by the time Mr. Gaga would get home I was practically catatonic. I always used to recite my favorite scene from Overboard when he got home….he usually didn’t think it was too funny.

I don't belong here. I feel it. Don't you think I feel it? I can't do any of these vile things and I wouldn't want to! My life is like death! My children are the spawn of hell and you're the devil. Oh, God..

I don’t belong here. I feel it.
Don’t you think I feel it?
I can’t do any of these vile things
and I wouldn’t want to!
My life is like death!
My children are the spawn of hell
and you’re the devil.
Oh, God..

I really meant it.  I would stare at him and say over and over again “I feel it!! Don’t you think I feel it?”

Just for my own entertainment really.

But the next morning I would start anew all of the pleasures of being home with small children.

I did everything I could possibly think of to entertain them and myself.  I would do anything to get out of the house and speak to adults…I would have gone to a hanging.

I joined horrendous playgroups, mom groups, playdates and activities. I took them to classes at the library and at an art studio, we would go to the farm and the park, music classes and gymnastics.

When those activities were over I would spend hours on end on the floor in their rooms doing puzzles, coloring, and playing restaurant. I would read them books and do flashcards to learn the alphabet.

I would play Thomas the Train and matchbox cars and Lightening McQueen, I would build buildings out of blocks and forts out of blankets and chairs. We would play marching band and we would sing Wiggles songs and the theme song from the Mickey Mouse Clubhouse.

When it was nice out we would spend hours playing outside. I would take them for walks and pull them in their wagon. I would push them on the swings and chase them up and down the driveway and play hide and seek. I would watch them ride their tricycles and push their bubble mowers. I remember being utterly exhausted, sitting on the driveway in a patch of sunlight doing chalk drawings over and over again. When that got too boring we would blow bubbles and try to catch them. We would collect rocks and pinecones while exploring.

When it was hot out I would fill up baby pools and set up sprinklers and watch them splash in the water.

The other day was the first day that it was warm enough to play outside without a jacket. The kids drew a four-square court and invited Mr. Gaga to play while I prepared dinner.

I went outside to ask Mr. Gaga to light the grill.

“Mom, please play four square with us!” Michael pleaded.

It was nice out and I was in no rush to make dinner.

“Ok – I will play a couple of rounds – but then I have to get dinner ready.” I agreed.

So there we were in the front yard on the driveway having a family friendly game of foursquare.

 

Whenever we all play an outdoor game together Mr. Gaga sings "As long as we got each other..." very loudly which was the song playing during the Hogan Family's football game...

Whenever we all play an outdoor game together Mr. Gaga sings “As long as we got each other…” very loudly which was the song playing during the Hogan Family’s football game…

 

The game went well – we all headed inside and we sat down to dinner shortly thereafter.

A few minutes into dinner Michael said, “You know Mom – tonight when you played foursquare with us……..”

“Yes lovebug…” I replied.

“That was the only time you ever played with us.” he finished his statement and continued to eat his chicken.

 

 

 

I nearly choked.

I looked over at both kids while they calmly ate their dinner.

“Do you people even know that I spend 6 solid years of my life home playing with you and taking you places and doing everything for you?” I spat out.

“No…I don’t remember that.” Michael said confidently before biting into his roll.

“Oookaaay….well I did. I took you to the library, and the farm and the daycare at the gym science museum…….and I read to you and played with you outside practically every day of your life!”  “I took you for bike rides and walks and took you to every park in town a million times!” I said with desperation looking at both children for a flicker of recognition or acknowledgement.

Sam calmly looked up from his dinner and said “Well…you don’t do any of that now.” and took a bite of chicken.

And what could I say to that.

He was right.

Before this little foursquare outing I hadn’t really “played” with them in about a year.

I dropped my fork and sat back in my chair – speechless.

All those torturous hours and endless days of playing with my children……for nothing.

I thought back to all of the other mothers I spent time with and spoke to that made me want to gouge out my eyeballs…all for the sake of my children.  All of the horrible playdates I sat through, all of the horrific toddler classes at the library surrounded by snot-nosed children sitting on the filthy floor, the hours spent chasing them around the park.

And to think they don’t remember one thing I ever did with them.

So I did what any woman in her right mind would do…

 

theresa

theresa2

 

Just kidding …I only did that in my mind.  

But it’s a tough pill to swallow.

All that time and effort and I could have totally ignored them and watched tv and read US Weekly all day for the same results.

Then it dawned on me.  This is why I have two children.  So they can play with each other!! My mother never played with me!!

These jerks are trying to get me down and lay a guilt trip on me and I have learned a valuable lesson.

Now that I know they suffer from severe memory loss…..

I will never play with my kids again.

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News that I already knew…because I’m a genius


I remember my parents watching the evening news and I had no clue what Dan Rather was talking about.  The news was filled with news about foreign countries, wars, and legitimate domestic concerns.

At some point in recent years there’s very little separating TMZ from the Nightly News and its a bit disconcerting.  (Not that I’m complaining because I would pick TMZ over real news any day.)  But still!!!

This week there were a few news items that got top billing that just simply should not be news.

#1 – It’s cold outside.

Really?? History has proven and any Farmer’s Almanac will continue to show that in the “winter” months it gets all “wintery” and cold air blows around and makes the air feel cold.  And then people go out into the cold air and they exclaim “It’s so cold!”

Every. day.

Actually what I hear most often is  “I can’t believe how cold it is!!”

Why? Why can’t you believe it? WE LIVE IN NEW ENGLAND!! NOT BRAZIL OR ANY PLACE THAT WOULD MAKE YOU NOT BELIEVE IN COLD WEATHER!

When will this stop being news?

Every news report I heard this week prefaced the weather info with “It’s not actually a “Polar Vortex” but it sure feels like it!! It’s very, very cold!!”

No shit.

ecards

#2 – Justin Beiber makes bad choices:

Why the hell do we build people up and scream their name and go crazy for them and then the minute they make a mistake we tear them to shreds?

He’s a kid whose mother sold him down the YouTube River.  He’s had too much fame and money too soon in life and he’s bound to make some bad choices given the lack of parenting and guidance.

When I was a little bit younger than him I actually dated a guy that had a canary yellow Trans AM that was so loud and sparkled so bright yellow.  I thought I was the coolest guidette ever in that car.  If someone offered me a yellow Lamborghini for free you bet your freaking ass I would have hopped in that car so fast and floored it.

Who of you can honestly say that you wouldn’t do the same??

A fucking loser who wishes he was Justin Beiber instead of a DJ in HARTFORD CT,  announced on the radio it was National “Dislike Justin Beiber on Facebook” day.  Really??

I am so not down with making ourselves feel better by tearing down young heart-throbs.

I’m a Belieber.

You should be too.

#3 – Soda is bad.

You know I have been shocked by America’s disregard for healthy beverage choices in Disney World.  But in general I just cannot believe that people down “diet brown liquids” with no regard for their health and safety.

photo

This is not news.

It’s upsetting to me that Americans find this information to be late-breaking news.

Attention fat Americans: drinking diet soda is a death wish!!!!

#4 -Sesame Street characters are not making healthy choices:

This was all over the news this week – the Sesame Street characters are going to have to make better choices.

Somebody decided that it was the Sesame Street characters who were making our American children fat and stupid.

So while everyone was focusing their energies on how inappropriate Spongebob is, and how annoying Caillou is – I guess we forgot to take a closer look at our pals on the old Sesame Street.

Here we have Oscar the Grouch.  He is perpetually rude to people, generally unpleasant, eats actual garbage and lives in a garbage can.

Nobody minds this filthy asshole - but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple - gets a bad rap.

Nobody minds this filthy motherfucker – but Spongebob who is nice and lives in an immaculate delightful pineapple – gets a bad rap.

Then we have Ernie and Bert who basically are the most lethargic gay people who could ever meet.  They lie around watching birds or playing chess all day, and then spend the rest of the day chatting in bed. They literally don’t do any work or anything productive…..ever.

No wonder Ernie is a little hefty, (Bert must be genetically blessed.)

Also, it would be nice if someone would tell this lazy piece of shit that horizontal stripes are not his friend.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear.  This is not a good lesson for children.

Here Ernie spends the day pretending that he cannot hear Bert speaking because he stuck a piece of fruit in his ear. This is clearly not a good lesson for children.

And in a press release Sesame Street stated that in the new programming focused on modeling healthy behaviors for children Bert and Ernie jump rope and munch apples and carrots, and Cookie Monster has his namesake treat once a week, not every day.”

Oh you mean Cookie Monster is going to eat one cookie a week?? OK well that’s called a “Blue guy that eats a cookie once a week” – not a “Cookie Monster” by any stretch.

Maybe he can be called a “Recovering Cookie Addict Guy” or “The Monster formally known as Cookie.”

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

I will admit – even I am surprised that it took us this long to complain about the bad Sesame behaviors.  I think that we were snowed by how cute Elmo is that we overlooked some of these very unhealthy characters.

Thank God, the Sesame people realized the error of their ways.

In closing – I am hoping for some news next week that actually is surprising and news-worthy.

Don’t tell me the winter is cold or that Cookie Monster is a fat asshole.

These are not news items.

It’s common knowledge.

WAKE UP AMERICA!!!

SODA IS BAD AND EVIL!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!! XO, lady goo goo gaga

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This happened….ALLEGEDLY


Nowadays getting children to school is much more complicated than it used to be.

It used to be that children who lived close to school would walk to school.  Those children that didn’t live close would take the bus.

Because of the system in place to help deliver children to school there would be very little or no parents at United States schools in the morning or afternoons.

Those days are over.

Now “walkers” are driven to school.  Nobody actually lets their kids walk to school.

Also, children that are meant to take the bus often don’t because “they don’t like it,” or their parents think “it’s a bad experience.”

This has created a new modern-day problem for schools across America.  There is a constant struggle to maintain control during “school drop-off and pick-up.”

Imagine, twice a day, each educational institution must figure out a way to control all of the crazy lunatic mothers in their huge oversized vehicles.

As a result, school pick up is annoying and crowded and everyone is in a rush.

bais_hatorah_school-children

There are very strict rules and guidelines for drop-off and pick-up.

Everyone know the rules.  They are very clear.

sign

Many people simply choose not to obey them.

This week at an elementary school in town….the following  “allegedly” happened.

During the usual hectic school pick up, a mother arrived at the school with skiis that needed to be delivered to her son.

kimcar

Assessing the situation, she decided that the line of cars ahead of her was too long.  Racking her brain of how she could best cut the line to get the skiis to her child – she made a quick decision.

She parked where anybody with such an emergency would park.

handicappedspot

She left her car running and made her way to her son’s bus to deliver the almighty skiis.

kim skiis2

Meanwhile little Hunter anxiously awaited his skiis.

Where is my mother with my skiis?? This bitch is totally ruining my chance at the 2022 Winter Olympics!!

Where is my mother with my skiis?? This bitch is totally ruining my chance at the 2022 Winter Olympics!!

Meanwhile, another mother witnessed the illegal parking of Ski Bunny Mom.  After probably years of dealing with entitled behaviors from the mothers and children in this town, she couldn’t take it anymore (or maybe she just feels strongly about illegal handicapped parking) – either way she thought to herself “I’m going to teach Ski Bunny mom a lesson.”

I am so sick of these fucking bitches that think they are so important.....watch this crazy move.

I am so sick of these fucking bitches that think they are better than the rest of us…..watch this crazy move.

She promptly got into Ski Bunny Mom’s running vehicle and peeled out.

Escalade-rear-quarter-466x350

When Ski Bunny mom got back to where she had illegally parked her vehicle it was gone.

Where is my fucking car? My yoga class starts in five minutes!

Where is my fucking car? My yoga class starts in five minutes!

Nobody had seen anyone move her car.

Nobody came forward to confess taking the car.

KIM5

beth2

kim3

BETH5

The car was found across the street.  But Ski Bunny mom and the community was up in arms.

How dare someone take my car and not own up to it??  Whoever did this is a COWARD!!!

How dare someone take my car and not own up to it?? Whoever did this is a COWARD!!!

Moms took to social media to express their concerns and distaste for whoever would dare take someone’s vehicle out of the handicapped parking spot.

“This person should be arrested!!!” They all cried. 

“We are great mothers and people!! We don’t deserve this!” 

“Children without skiis are just as important as children that are handicapped!!”

“Mothers of children without skiis have feelings too!!””

After several posts on Facebook and Twitter – a token handicapped person chimed in!!

Did she scold Ski Bunny mom for parking illegally?

Nope.

handicapmom2

This only added fuel to the fire.

kim4

Some mothers even began to fight on social media.  Some mothers say they will be watching and searching for the mystery car mover in the coming weeks.

Either way, this is a perfect example of what happens when people have too much time on their hands.

Even though it’s not right to steal people’s cars – I have a feeling the car mover and I could possibly be friends….possibly.

Either way – I really can’t make this stuff up.

Also….

This is all ALLEGED.

THIS TOWN IS INSANE!  PLEASE HELP ME COME UP WITH  A FAKE BLOG NAME FOR THE TOWN I LIVE IN….LIKE “STEPFORD” BUT NOT THAT OBVIOUS…PLEASE GIVE ME SUGGESTIONS!!! WHEN BRAINSTORMING JUST KNOW THAT ITS A TOWN FILLED WITH LUNATICS….

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

What I learned in 2013….


It’s time for my annual year in review.

I am lucky to have this blog so I can go back and see what happened in my life throughout the year and see what mattered to all of you. Here is the blow by blow recap:

JANUARY 2013 – In the beginning of 2013 we started preparing for Michael’s first holy communion and I was met with the ugly truth behind the Catholic church’s planning for date selection. I almost got killed during the “Sign-up for Communion date” meeting – but I got the date I wanted so it worked out….

These women ended up not getting the date they wanted because they had to be rushed to the emergency room..The cross above their heads is a symbol of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Jesus died on the cross for us. On nights like this one, I am sure he’s wondering if that was a bad move….

These women ended up not getting the date they wanted because they had to be rushed to the emergency room..The cross above their heads is a symbol of Jesus’ death and resurrection. Jesus died on the cross for us. On nights like this one, I am sure he’s wondering if that was a bad move….

2 – In February, just when I was starting to doubt Jesus and his almighty powers, I was saved and all was made right in the universe when Kim Kardashian was impregnated by Kanye West.

I still find it shocking that Kim wants to be wrapped up with this narcissistic asshole but I guess she will eventually figure this out the hard way…..

I wrote her a very special letter to warn her about what she could expect…

mySuperLamePic_bada7bdbc1c0a2cf6116ec3512fdbec7

3 – In February we were met with yet another Northeast weather disaster.  This particular catastrophe was a BLIZZARD!  Per usual people lost their fucking marbles while they attempted to prepare for 3 FEET of SNOW!!!

By the time I got to the local grocery store this was what the banana stand was like …just so you can see how insane people behave during inclement weather…..

banana

I know that bread and milk were sold out – but now you are all going to live off of bananas? And who’s the wise guy that just left behind a plantain and a box of firecrackers???

4 – In March, everyone was all abuzz about the book “Leaning In” which detailed how women of today could totally focus on their career and succeed!! I found that I was much better at “leaning out.”

This was the last time I "leaned in" for something. I was trying to listen to the weather report to be sure I heard correctly that my kids would have their 10th day off from school due to snow.

This was the last time I “leaned in” for something. I was trying to listen to the weather report to be sure I heard correctly that my kids would have their 10th day off from school due to snow.

5 – In April we went to Disney World.  Boy, was I in for a real education on American behaviors.  I relayed my astonishment regarding the HUGE BEVERAGES that were served in Disney World and the HUGE HUMAN BEINGS that were zipping around on carts.

Some of you got pissed about that…..

Sorry! I just report as I see it fat people!

mickeyfam

Look how this guy balances his massive soda with a broken hand!! These injured people are so determined!!!

6 – In May, we finally had Michael’s communion after much hard work. (see above)

It went well except for when I lost all of my photos to document my good holy works, thank Jesus I still had my pic of the holy cross made out of pepperoni…

What more could Jesus want from me?? I mean if this cured meat cross doesn't secure my place in heaven then I give up....

What more could Jesus want from me?? I mean if this cured meat cross doesn’t secure my place in heaven then I give up….

7 – As the summer approached I may or may not have bumped up my drinking and bumped down my parenting…

If the kids found me like this in the morning they just made their way to camp on their own...it's called building independance in children....They will thank me one day.

If the kids found me like this in the morning they just made their way to camp on their own…it’s called building independence in children….They will thank me one day.

8 – Toward the end of the summer, we started to get ready for back-to-school, which is when I once again noticed how offensive the Pottery Barn Kids catalogue was…..

In the classic Pottery Barn style which aims to make us feel badly about our homes, bedding, and lives….the PB Kids version, now aims to make us feel bad about our kids lunches and what we put them in……

This blog went VIRAL!! It was my hit of the year – and I know it’s because we all feel the same angst about lunch making in America.

Really?? It's not enough that this lunch consists of yuca chips and cherry tomatoes? If my mother ever put a note in my lunch that said I was a "kind person" I would kill her.

Really?? It’s not enough that this lunch consists of yuca chips and cherry tomatoes? If my mother ever put a note in my lunch that said I was a “kind person” I would kill her.

9 – In the fall one of my good friends had a baby.  I went to visit her and noticed that sometimes new mothers go a little crazy when it comes to first baby nursery decor.  Many of you were VERY ANGRY about my commentary…but many of you were VERY LAUGHING at how fucking stupid it all is….This is why I LOVE MY READERS!!!

Please note the newborn size tiara's on the shelf...I believe that tiara was placed on the baby's head as it was crowning to be sure that she knew immediately that she was a princess....

Please note the newborn size tiara’s on the shelf…I believe that tiara was placed on the baby’s head as it was crowning to be sure that she knew immediately that she was a princess….

10- Finally in December, while I juggled all that I had to do I realized that this ELF ON THE SHELF was really putting things over the edge for me.  I wrote an open letter to the clever Elf creators…..

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute....All I see here are three twats with double chins....

You guys think you and your elves are just so damn cute….All I see here are three twats with double chins….

Everyone loved this…This was my number 2 post of the year!!( only second to Pottery Barn lunch post.) What does that tell me??

That mothers in America are tired!!  We don’t have time for stupid bullshit like daisy sandwiches and Elf games!! We are smart, busy people that value our time and energy!!!

In closing, it has been a great year for Lady Goo Goo Gaga, and I hope to continue learning and growing and sharing my stories.

Thank you all for reading every week!! And for CLICKING ON THE BANNER BELOW!!!!

Happy New Year!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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10 Reasons why going to prison would be fabulous….


My book club recently chose the book “Orange is the New Black” as our book pick. I was interested in reading this and watching the series based on a woman who is sent to a Danbury, Connecticut prison for a drug trafficking crime she committed during college, ten years after the fact.

A friend mentioned that she had watched the entire series on Netflix and was obsessed with it.

“Why? It’s that good?” I inquired.

“No, because I drive by the Danbury exit and fantasize what it would be like if I could live in the prison…” she answered in a hushed tone.

“Haha…” I chuckled.

She looked back at me with a straight face. “Do you think it’s bad that I have fantasies of going to prison?” she asked.

“Well, I haven’t seen the show….I don’t know….” I answered warily.

“Well – let me tell you…I don’t see the problem with going to prison at all….it seems downright enjoyable. They read entire books without anyone bothering them and they provide you with an outfit!” she exclaimed.

Hmm…she has a point…and upon reading the book, I completely understand what she’s fantasizing about…..

TEN REASONS WHY GOING TO PRISON IS BETTER THAN BEING HOME WITH MY KIDS:

1 – UNDISTURBED LEISURELY READING: Well, the reading thing is huge for me.  Imagine if you could just lie in bed all day and read books and magazines without being disturbed?

Are you fucking kidding me? That’s supposed to be punishment?

I am sorry – but the last time I read more than one page of US Weekly without being bothered by some child or husband was 1994. Also, I have been reading this “Orange is the New Black” book for two weeks and have read only half because by the time I get around to reading, my eyelids won’t stay open.

2 – UNLIMITED EXERCISE TIME: Although I have the best of intentions, when I am not working and especially when I am working, it is extremely difficult to squeeze in even 45 minutes of exercise.  I am constantly scrambling around, running errands, cleaning, volunteering, buying 500 birthday presents, grocery shopping and cooking.  To be able to go to a daily yoga class AND take a daily hour-long stroll around the prison track would be downright luxurious.

3 –ALL MEALS ARE PROVIDED: I am sorry, perhaps I am misunderstanding the penal system, but explain to me what is so sad and hard about someone serving you 3 meals a day?  Granted the food is disgusting but guess who’s not cooking or cleaning the kitchen?? You.

4 –  NO PRIMPINGIn prison, (much like at home) you don’t want anyone to try to get with you romantically.  But in prison you can outwardly let yourself go (which you can’t really do in polite society.)

When you are in jail, you can essentially never do your hair or makeup again.  If I knew that I was surrounded by butchy lesbians that were murderers and drug addicts…you can be sure I would be flushing my flatiron and mascara down the toilet.

I would immediately assume a “natural look.”  I am sure Mr. Gaga would be upset when he saw me during visiting hours, but I think I wouldn’t really care anymore.

Thank you for visiting me ...I can't wait to come home.....

Thank you for visiting me …I can’t wait to come home and get a keratin treatment.

5 -AUTOMATIC WEIGHT LOSS WITHOUT TRYING: When all of the food in your life is inedible and you are afraid of everyone around you and stressed about your predicament of being a jailbird guess what happens?  You get skinny…..without trying.  Well I hate to say it but I’ll commit a felony tomorrow for that opportunity alone.

6- ALL COOKING IS DONE IN THE MICROWAVE:  If you ever get an urge to cook in prison you can steal random ingredients and cook them up in a microwave for a special prison-time fine dining special.  So basically the most work that you will ever do concerning a meal will be to press a button.  Upon cooking up such creation, the people who you share it with will “ooh” and “ahh” and be very appreciative.  Unlike the little bastards at home that complain and refuse to eat after you slaved for hours over a hot stove.

7 – THERE’S A UNIFORM: And they give you several…for free.  I literally would love nothing more than to wear a uniform for the rest of my life.

I essentially have created my own uniforms that consist of wife beaters, flip flops and uggs even though I am not incarcirated.  It would be nice to know that I am wearing a uniform because I have to due to strict prison guidelines and not just because I have lost all hope of being stylish and cool.

If I had a choice looking like these two for life:

rachel-zoe-435

or these two…..

Alex-Piper-orange-is-the-new-black-35506831-1269-710

I would choose those khaki numbers with the waffle shirts in a hot second.

8- Coffee-time: So apparently in prison, twice a day there is coffee time.  Prisoners are offered coffee and they can take their coffee and sit with their friends and enjoy their coffee and have “coffee-talk.”

What the fuck?

Do you know I literally take two sips of every coffee I ever make or purchase?  Do you know that I have half-drunk coffees strewn about my car because I am always racing around like a maniac?

Do you remember the last time you and a friend just sat face-to-face drinking lattes without children and without interruptions?

Well if you would ever enjoy doing that twice a day…you better start swallowing a balloon filled with drugs my law-abiding friends.

9 – YOU ENTERTAIN CHILDREN ONCE A WEEK: That’s right. When you are very bad and you commit heinous crimes “for punishment” you see your children once a week.   OH! THAT WOULD BE SO HORRIBLE!   I say as I run into the streets carjacking the first people I can find.

10 – YOU CAN DEVELOP HOBBIES:  I would be thrilled with the reading and the exercise but if you so desired you can take up knitting.  Apparently this is a popular prison hobby.

Although I do not fall in the category of you 50 Shades loving- bullet users…you can even knit yourself a bullet and spend countless hours…um….enjoying your “yarn bullet.”  (A popular prison toy.)

penis

In closing – I think it’s safe to say we, the mothers of America, are the real prisoners of society.

I won’t be judging any of you if you choose to break a few laws at this time.  If we see each other robbing a bank or shoplifting at our local Macy’s, we can give a wink, knowing that we are that much closer to a coffee and a fresh jumpsuit.

I JUST KNOW SOME OF YOU ARE GOING TO BE MAD AT ME ABOUT THE KIDS COMING FOR ONE HOUR A WEEK – GET OVER IT!!! IT’S FUNNY!!!  NOW CLICK THE BANNER BELOW SO I DON’T HAVE TO BE THE SECOND FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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Bad juju gaga


It has been hectic around here….plus it was a full moon this week.

Last weekend we went to the city for Michael’s birthday. We came back Monday and had an insane week.

I had a lot of stuff going on that was work related and it was weighing heavily on me.

I had to make a few tough and risky decisions and it was stressing me out.  Additionally, I took on a couple of jobs that were last-minute, so I was tired and run-ragged.

Remember when I said I did something that was like selling bras for a living??  What happens is that I have to deal with PEOPLE regularly.

If you have read this blog at all – you probably know that interacting with people regularly might be bad for my mental health.  If there’s a full moon….then my patience is really tried.  Women go berserk.

During the full moon, I spend a lot of time biting my tongue and attempting to respond appropriately to their mentally deranged rants.

Midweek, I worked in a setting where their was a woman who was shadowing a manager all day.

I didn’t interact with her much as we were both busy throughout the day.  A couple of times we crossed paths and she asked me about my day, I would just shrug and say “It’s fine…people are nuts…but whatever…” and go about my business.”

At the end of the day, we were standing near each other working and she stopped and said, “I feel like you are having a really bad day.”

I stopped to think about it…”No, not really.” I answered.

“Well, I have to tell you …. I am a psychic medium, and I can feel an extreme amount of negative energy coming from you.”

I just stared at her thinking of an appropriate response.

“Um…okay……so you can feel what I’m feeling?” I asked with trepidation.

“Yes, I’m an empath.” she answered matter-of-factly.

YOU are a negative judgy bitch......

YOU are a negative judgy bitch……

“Um…well…okay…I’m probably a little negative but I am not having a bad day….You are probably just feeling like “my stuff” I answered sheepishly.

But in my head I was thinking …

Who the fuck says such a thing to someone they just met? I’m sorry -but I don’t recall signing up for the Psychic Friends Network and by the way your hair is very frizzy and you should be using some Moroccan oil for that shit…and you are rude and I hate you.”

She stared at me and smiled and said…

“I can hear your thoughts.”

My jaw dropped and I basically just ran away from her.

I told a coworker about what just happened and I was on the verge of hyperventilation and she came over to us and interrupted our conversation.

My coworker asked “Can you see dead people?”

“Oh yes,” she said calmly, “They are all around us talking to me right now – and I have to tune them out.”

I turned to her and said nicely:

“I’m very stressed out by what you said….it’s like freaking me out…”

She said “No, don’t freak out….just work on ….”  She paused here and said…

“Excuse me, I have to just take a few steps back away from you, because I can feel all of your negative energy and it’s really making me feel like I am actually going to throw up….”

aniston

Can you believe this??

Just because you see dead people doesn’t mean you can going around being RUDE!! to people!!  Unless you are the LONG ISLAND MEDIUM you need to just keep your mouth shut!!  Nobody asked for your psychic reading!!

I left shortly after that and when I got home I got busy with kids’ stuff and by 9 o’clock Mr. Gaga and I asked each other about our day.

“My day was ok – except for the part when a psychic witch told me that my bad energy was making her feel like she was going to barf….”

“Oh that’s too bad, ” Mr. Gaga answered while helping clean the kitchen.

“Wait…what? Did you hear me? That REALLY happened!”

“Oh, I’m sure it did.” he answered not fazed.

Do you know why he’s not fazed? Because this type of shit only happens to me!!!

I had too much other stuff to worry about, to let this maniac ruin my life but that whole interaction, coupled with my work stress rattled me a bit.

I really couldn’t shake it.

I tried to catch myself when I was having a negative thought and imagine a rainbow or a really expensive shoe…..but it didn’t seem natural.

I guess Sam is psychic as well and even though I was working very hard to shoot magical positive light beams out from my body, he could feel all my stress and tension.

He took it upon himself to make me a book to cheer me up.

I remember growing up – there were standard pictures I would draw for my parents that I thought would make them happy.

For my mother I would draw flowers, hearts and birds.

For my dad I would draw sailboats and the beach.

Here was page one of Sam’s book:

pg1

“Um – that’s nice Sam.” I said – (trying not to be negative.)

“Oh yeah – that page is for Daddy – it’s a ninja turtle, a NY Giants sign and a little bottle of beer.” he said as he turned to page 2:

“Here’s your page.”

At first I was being negative and I thought that was a picture of "tan mom" from New Jersey - but then he clarified that it was in fact Madonna.

At first I was being negative and I thought that was a picture of “tan mom” from New Jersey – but then he clarified that it was in fact Madonna.

And then another page for Mr. Gaga:

A huge beer? I thought this was my book???

A huge beer? I thought this was my book???

And then a gigantic glass of wine…..

pg3

The next page said “The End.” and I think he perfectly summed things up.

While this story may be troubling to some, and some might find it upsetting that a child thinks that the key to cheering up his mother is through alcohol and 80’s pop stars…..

For me it was just what I needed to feel a little less negative.

challenge132

(Don’t worry – it will just be temporary – I will be back to calling small children douchebags by next week.)

STAY TUNED TO HEAR ABOUT WHAT GREAT PARENTS MR. GAGA AND I ARE….I WILL POST SOME PICS FROM MICHAEL’S BIRTHDAY PARTY THAT ENDED WITH SEVERAL CHILDREN CRYING….IN THE MEANTIME CLICK THE BANNER BELOW PLEASE!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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“HARSH CRITICISM”

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