Thanksgiving week is a time that we start to shit our pants because Christmas will be here in about 3 1/2 weeks and we have to
spend all of our money on random people appear festive at work parties set the elf on fire shop.
It is also a time that we all start to think about what we are thankful for. It’s a great time to reflect on our year, our friends and family.
There’s a LOT that I am thankful for.
But this year more than ever there are few things that are the top of the list of “What I am Thankful For,” and it’s mostly to do with the fact that I have two little boys.
I love them because they are my children.
But I also especially love them because they are boys.
There I said it.
I am thankful I don’t have girls.
#1 – I am thankful that I have boys instead of girls because they love me more than a girl would….
Boys just love their mother. I wake up many mornings and stumble into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror and am very alarmed by what I see.
Most mornings I look in the mirror and say “Holy fucking shit – I look old.”
I stumble downstairs to make breakfasts and lunches and scream at my kids to brush their teeth.
And without fail…
No matter how puffy and wrinkled and hideous I am …
They tell me they love me and they tell my I’m the most beautiful woman in the world….
Girls would never do that.
I am one.
#2 I am thankful to have boys because they don’t speak.
They are fucking loud.
Don’t get it twisted.
The noise in the Gaga household is deafening.
My house is trashed.
Anything I care about has to be locked away for fear of destruction.
They destroy everything I own.
Cars…. furniture….. clothes…… my soul.
They never shut the fuck up.
But even though they are making a lot of NOISE.
They actually aren’t SAYING anything.
It’s all just drums, farts and yells.
If I ask them how their day was they say. “Fine.”
If I try to engage in any sort of actual conversation they get very hostile….
But the other side of that coin is that I don’t really have to listen to them “chat.”
Girls talk shit about their friends.
Girls get their feelings hurt and want to talk about it.
I am just so happy to be the only girl in the house to chat, whine and talk shit about people. I just basically drink wine and talk into the air because nobody here is listening or engaging in any conversation with me.
And that works.
So the moral to that story is….I drink a lot of wine by myself….
Then I feel fat and guilty and drunk.
I can then actually announce to my household, “I am fat, guilty and drunk!” and nobody cares!!
Because they are watching football and playing video games and ignoring me!!
That’s how we roll.
#3 I am thankful to have two boys, because they aren’t girls who want to live and breathe FROZEN!!!
If I had to deal with little girls that want to play dress up every two seconds and all of this Frozen bullshit ….I would slit my throat.
“But it’s actually such a cute movie! You should watch it!” (say millions of moms of girls.)
I don’t care and I am not watching it.
I step on LEGOS every two seconds and you get to hear “Let it Go” every two seconds.
That’s how it works.
My local mall had the great idea to do something extra special this year for Santa visitors.
As you wait for Santa you get to travel through a FROZEN themed wonderland!!
As a result of this marketing miracle …the line for Santa as soon as November 9th was 3 1/2 to 4 hours!!! Actual human adults stand in line for that amount of time!!! With their little
honeybooboo lookalikes princesses dressed up like Elsa!!
Because their little princesses need to experience the magic of Frozen!!
Also, apparently it is very important that little wanna-be princesses dress like their idols.
While I usually just let my children wear costumes to trick or treat at Halloween – apparently in today’s world if you have a little girl -it is perfectly acceptable to let her wear this out in public…
Also we live in the Northeast – and although we don’t live in the icy world of Elsa – it does get pretty cold around here…
So obviously these little
Even though I do have boys – I also have a niece. So I am not completely free from the Frozen nightmare….
Even I have succumbed to this icy hell on earth.
Even I have made a frantic early morning trip to Target to secure this…
However in typical Disney style – when you look in the mirror you don’t actually see your own reflection.
Oh no, Disney would never allow a little girl to actually see her own face!!
When a little girl is lucky enough to have the “Frozen Vanity” she will look in the mirror and have the joy of seeing Elsa and Anna singing to her!!
What the fuck is going to happen to all of these little girls?
What will happen when they ever grow up and look in the mirror and see their own plain old wrinkled ass self with no tiara?
What will happen when they realize that they are just mediocre? That the chances of ever really becoming a princess are very slim and would require moving to Jordan or Nigeria?
They will probably drink their wine alone…and talk to themselves…and be super depressed….
But none of that is my problem….
And for that…I am thankful.
EVEN IF YOU HAVE GIRLS YOU HAVE TO ADMIT THIS FROZEN SHIT IS TOO MUCH!! CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!