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Category Archives: cleaning the house

Lady’s Favorite Things


So this is like Oprah’s Favorite things, except that I am just a little bit fat and not rich like Oprah…..and except 50 favorite things I have like 8…..and of the 8, I am only giving away one thing to one person…..so don’t get too excited.

A friend who is newly pregnant for the first time was complaining that she didn’t know what to ask her husband to get her for Christmas.

“Get something luxurious – because this is it for you sister…” I said knowingly.

“No way!!!” she responded not-knowingly.

I then guided her through Nordstrom pointing out some items to ask for that she would never think of until it was too late.

This has inspired me to compile a list of items to add to your wish list to help you survive motherhood….

Before you have children you have no idea how they will ruin you mentally and physically.

It is not something that happens overnight.

The graying, the aging, the dark-circling, the overall weathering….it’s a slow process.

When all is said and done, when your last child goes into school full-day, you will finally have a minute to look in the mirror and you will be frightened at what you see.

I remember thinking I looked completely hideous when Michael was a baby.

I look back at pictures from that time and I realize I looked like Gisele then compared to what I look like now.

There are ways to keep things somewhat under control….here are some tips:

#1 – UNDEREYE CONCEALER -I actually speak of this in my blog bio page – because I truly consider it a survival tool for motherhood.  Particularly Cle de Peau concealer, which retails for $70.  It is worth EVERY PENNY!!  It’s like a night’s sleep in a tube.

#2 – RAIN BOOTS – Somehow I avoided water and weather for 25 years.

Upon having children, every doctor’s appointment, music class and preschool time will magically coincide with torrential downpours.

My Tory Burch Rainboots are one of my best investments.  They get me out of a lot of jams….

boots

They can be Burberry or Hunter boots or Target…it doesn’t matter the brand…just do it.

It’s not enough that we are fat and tired??

The least we can do is have dry feet for god sakes.

3 – Keurig Coffeemaker – When my in-laws got this for us a couple of years ago, I was thinking I didn’t really need it and it would take up counter space.

Oh how wrong I was. I do need it.  You know how you offer a hot beverage to a mom or a kid when they are at your house for a playdate and they take you up on it??  That’s why you need this.

Or when you are running late and you don’t have time for the whole deal with the coffee pot?

Do it.

4 – Keratin Treatment – I have mentioned in the past how my hair resembles a dobie pad.    When you have small children and limited time to take care of yourself – and you have the same hair as Whoopi Goldberg this can be problematic.

This is the famous picture of me before I started doing keratin treatments....

This is the famous picture of me before I started doing keratin treatments….

Keratin is my friend.  These treatments allow me to go days without washing or blow-drying my hair.  It can be your friend too.  It can be pricey for treatments in the salon, but you can also try an at-home treatment.  You can enter to win a free one at http://theglossgirls.com

You’re welcome.

5 – Bissell Perfect Sweep Turbo – Listen – we all know I am not winning any cleaning awards anytime soon.  This little electric sweeper is the best thing to come into my household in a long time.  It actually can sweep up everything on bare floors or rugs with ease…including ……LEGOS!!!!!

bissell

Bissell was so kind to give me a complimentary sweeper last year – and since then countless friends and family have purchased one and loved them!!

6 – Waterproof Eye makeup:  – So somewhere between the lack of sleep, the hurried getting ready in the morning and the torrential downpours, there comes a need for waterproof eye makeup.

I totally had it together before the kids.  I had my cosmetics routine down pat.

Somehow the new wrinkles and puffs that children brought to my eye area, as well as the lack of time to do nice eye makeup – resulted in a black smudged mascara and liner all around my eyes on the daily.

If you think looking like a heroin addict is a cute look for the children’s library class, you are sadly mistaken.

The worst is when you don’t even realize you look like a lunatic until you get back into your car and you have already chatted it up with 5 moms and the librarian.

Sure, I would love to set up a playdate! Your house or mine??

Sure, I would love to set up a playdate! Your house or mine??

My absolute FAVORITE waterproof eye makeup tool is the Laura Mercier Caviar Stick...It can be eyeliner and shadow and it will not budge all day long.

I am giving one of you a Laura Mercier Caviar Stick in Smoke ($24) this week just because I love you…(see below for details)

Caviar_Stick_Smoke_4

7 – UGGS  –I truly don’t know what mothers did before UGGS were invented.  Pamela Anderson started the trend for moms to wear UGGS with anything and everything and thank God.  What would moms wear to the bus stop in the old days? KEDS? A heel??

Thanks again Pamela for being the voice of reason for moms across America......

Thanks again Pamela for being the voice of reason for moms across America……

It doesn’t matter if you think they are ugly.

It also doesn’t matter if they are no longer in style.

It’s a non-negotiable piece of “Mom-footwear.” Put one toe into these bad boys and there’s no going back.  Once your feet are inside these soft boots filled with what feels like clouds from heaven,  you won’t care if you look like Gene Simmons.

Come to think of it, with the makeup all over his face, the underwear with metal spikes on it in case your husband gets an ideas, the bad hair, and the ugly boots...Gene Simmons should be the mascot for motherhood.....

Come to think of it, with the makeup all over his face, the underwear with metal spikes on it to keep romance at bay, the bad hair, and the ugly boots…Gene Simmons should be the mascot for motherhood…..

And finally my number one item topping the list is something that I don’t have yet, but I know I should.  It is consistently on my to-get list, and I just never get around to doing it.

A CLEANING LADY!!!

I just never get around to hiring one and the next thing I know the bathrooms are disgusting and the Hoarders crew is at my house trying to interview me…..Sigh.

Now to the fun part –

If you SIGN UP FOR MY TWEETS  (@lgoogoogaga) you get one entry and

if  you LIKE ME ON FACEBOOK you get another entry towards the

LAURA MERCIER CAVIAR STICK that will change your life and ensure that you don’t look like a crystal meth addict the next time you are stuck in rain running errands…..

Winner will be picked randomly (US AND CANADA ONLY) between now and Sunday December 16th at 5 PM!

As a sidenote – none of the products mentioned above have been sent to me for review except for my BISSELL…..which frankly I think is just rude……

All of the opinions and mentions are my own opinion and I think you should listen to me – because I know what I am talking about…..just sayin.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK!!! YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MIGHT NEED SOME HELP WITH THEIR WISH LISTS THIS SEASON!!!!!

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Be careful what you wish for…


When Sam went off to kindergarten, I cried as I walked back home.  Mr. Gaga and I sat on the front steps enjoying a few sips of morning coffee, and then off he went to work.  I stepped into the kitchen, wiped my tears, put my coffee cup in the sink and looked around.

We had spent the past two days frantically shopping and unpacking from vacation.  Mr. Gaga had been nice enough to make a big “back-to-school breakfast” for the kids, and the remaining pans with greasy bacon and crusted eggs were on the stove top.  The dishwasher was full and needed emptying, there were Legos all over the floor, a stack of papers that needed to be filled out and returned to school was scattered all over the kitchen island, cups and breakfast plates littered the counters.

The place was a shit hole.

I stared at the dishwasher and the weight of it coupled with the deafening silence of the house was too much to bear.

I turned on my heel and went up to my bedroom to get ready for work. (Although it would be nice to have time to myself – I knew it would be best for my mental health to be working that day.) If I had nowhere to be – I I would have surely dissolved into a hysterical mess on the floor in front of the dishwasher.

I had dreamt of this day for 7 years.  As soon as Michael’s head was crowning in the delivery room I was thinking about the day I could ditch him and have some “me” time.

I had wished many times for a day that I would be all alone and could drink my coffee in peace, and watch whatever morning program I wanted.  As I got ready for work I decided to turn on the television in my bedroom and watch Kelly Ripa.

After a couple of minutes I had to call my BF.

“Um – I have been waiting to watch Kelly for 7 years and today is the day – and it sucks.” I said sinking into a depression.

“Oh, yeah – it’s horrible, there’s some football player on it now….it’s not good,” she answered matter-of-factly.

So – all this time I have been watching morning cartoons, and I finally get to watch and there’s some weird football player instead of Regis?

Well, thank God I had somewhere to be – so I couldn’t get too upset.

As I made my way out the door to go to work – I remembered the filthy house.  As I shut the door behind me – I thought, “I’ll clean it up later, I’ll just tell Mr. Gaga that I was busy with…..too busy with….that I ….that I what??

Oh shit.

A newfound sense of dread crept through me as I drove to work pondering this little dilemma.  It seems that when those kids got on that bus to full-day school they took with them a long list of excuses that I will no longer be able to use.

Will I ever be able to say I’m tired again?

” Tired from what?” people will ask.

What will my answer be?

“Tired from walking 3 inches to the bus stop twice a day?”

“Tired from pouring cereal in two separate bowls in the morning?”

And what about Mr. Gaga? He’s never going to let me be “tired” again!!! In the past I could always block any romantic overtures with complaints of exhaustion so that I could watch my shows and relax at night.

I could bark out things like “I just breastfed your son all day, get away from me!” or “Don’t come near me I have been cleaning up vomit all day.”

Now what will I say? I better think of something or the Gaga household is going to be a lot more romantic than its been in approximately 7 years.

This should make your feet feel better after all that walking back and forth to the bus-stop ….now get upstairs!

Speaking of which – I would kill for a day of pampering at the spa.   But if I don’t clean or accomplish anything and take some “me” time, it will probably not look good.  I will just have to tell Mr. Gaga (and anyone else who asks) that I spend a lot of time volunteering at the kids’ classrooms.

Meanwhile, Mr. Gaga will think my toes are curled in the throes of ecstasy, but I will really just be hiding my pedicure.

If all of a sudden I start to look put together and well-groomed – it will be a signal that I have too much time on my hands.

Hmmm, I will have to wear a fake moustache when he’s around or he will totally know something is up!

“My day was sooo boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend I would volunteer with her at a soup kitchen today……”   “What? Oh, I know I keep meaning to wax my moustache but I haven’t had a minute!!!”

And then what? Is Mr. Gaga going to expect me to shave my legs on a regular basis?  I can’t really think of a reason why they wouldn’t be shaved… now that I have ALL DAY!!!

What will be next? Will I be expected to wear matching bra and underwear sets?  Will I have to throw out my maternity underwear once and for all?

Speaking of underwear, what reason will there be for people in the Gaga household to not have clean underwear anymore?  I certainly can no longer say I haven’t had a chance to do laundry…..

At one point this past holiday season, Mr. Gaga pointed out that he wore a pair of dirty underwear inside-out in an act of sheer desperation, because I had neglected the laundry for so long.

I don’t think that’s going to fly anymore.

Let’s face it. There’s no household chore I will be able to get out of.  I’ve been known to leave the house in the morning without emptying the dishwasher.  I would be out and about all day running errands and entertaining the children, and then I would watch Mr. Gaga do it at night while I made dinner.

“Sorry – I couldn’t get to it in between the library, the park, the playdate, and music class!” I would say.

And speaking of Mr. Gaga coming home from work….there have many days that I have met him in the driveway as he got out of his car.  Citing horrible children that were torturing me, I would leave frantically in search of a minute’s peace.  I would go anywhere to get away from the beasts and leave him to deal with them for an hour or two.

After I am home alone all day – I don’t think Mr. Gaga will like coming home to this anymore…..

Oh, and my car.  For the past 7 years, Mr. Gaga and any other responsible adult would be horrified upon entering my vehicle.  It is basically filled with pounds and pounds of beach sand from May to September, along with crushed goldfish, munchkin pieces, exploded Capri Sun containers, and used straws.

Now when someone sits in the back seat and leaves with sandy french fries on their ass, who can I blame?

Myself???  Oh the horror.

I guess the need for fast food will be out the window anyhow.  What reason will there be for no dinner? Could I say I just didn’t feel like it? Could I say that I spent the day watching television programs and forgot to plan for supper?

I don’t think so.

Oh how I love this new host with Kelly!! I can worry about dinner later…..

It seems to me I have my work cut out for me more than ever before.  Will it ever end??

Sigh.

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY…BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!  RIGHT NOW I WISH FOR YOU TO CLICK THE BANNER BELOW….IT’S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO…

XO LADYGOOGOOGAGA

Bullets for Breakfast


ALERT: DAD AND MR. GAGA’s FAMILY AND FRIENDS  – THIS POST CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL THAT MAY BE OFFENSIVE

I am a reader.  I belong to a book club that considers itself filled with intelligent sometimes haughty women who wouldn’t be caught dead reading something like Twilight or a smutty romance novel.

However, we were all intrigued by the latest craze of 50 Shades of Grey.  Not our usual choice – we decided to go outside of our comfort zone and try some “mommy porn,” as it’s been dubbed.

The first few nights I read it – I fell asleep from boredom with the book on my chest.  By the third night I got to some racy parts – but was so turned off by the cheese factor I couldn’t believe it.

Is this what women in America find entertaining? A woman who says “Oh my!”  when she is aroused?? Really??

My best friend, (I’ll call her L) who has literally read 2 books in her entire life, was even feeding into the hype.

“Is it good? Should I read it?” she asked me.  She really needs 100 percent confirmation that it’s going to be worth it – if she puts down her US Weekly and reads a book.

“I don’t really think so…it’s kind of boring.” I answered.

“Well like what happens? Tell me a scene that would be exciting.” she implored.

“Hmm, well like last night I read it and she had a dream that she was tied up spread eagle on the bed and the boyfriend whipped her vagina with a riding crop until she had an orgasm.”

Silence.

“Ummm, that would hurt and I would be pissed.” she answered.

“I know!! I’m telling you!!” I answered laughing.

Are we crazy that we don’t find this exciting?

Are we just too bitchy to find the fun in having a rich man whip us and tie us up?  Is it exciting because he’s rich and he buys her clothes and jewelry?

Because let me tell you – I love me some jewels and Louis Vuitton – but I think I would rather eat Ramen Noodles and wear jelly bracelets – than have to call someone “Sir” while he whips my hoo-ha.

The more I read the more I am concerned for America.

I had a hunch we were in trouble when everyone went crazy over Twilight.

Women all across America are locked up in their houses fantasizing about making out with a vampire or getting whipped by some rich dude.

Am I the only person that finds this troubling?

If this is indicative of the general state of our national self-esteem…..we are totally screwed.

I kept reading but haven’t really been too excited by this book – and PS the actual writing is god-awful.

L  called a few days after our chat.

There is a neighbor of her’s that she always complains about.  The woman lets her children roam free without watching them and her house is always filthy.  This woman doesn’t work,  so L has always wondered what she does all day.

“So – I saw my neighbor outside while the kids were playing – and that book came up, and I told her how you didn’t really like it….” she said.

“Yeah…”

“So – she said – “Oh no, I love it! I was reading it the other day – and I had to take out my “Bullet” twice…”

I died laughing.

“Can you believe that her house is fucking filthy – I’m here like feeding her kids – and she’s inside with the blinds closed – jacking off?” she said with horror.

No.

No I can’t believe it.

I have mentioned many times how I don’t seem to find the time to clean and get things done that need to get done.  Generally speaking in terms of taking care of business – on my to-do list taking care of my vagina is usually not on the list at all.

“I’m so tired. If I finish all these dishes – I will go get the clothes off of the line – and then I will go in my room and get naked and make some time for my vagina.”

I am very sorry – but I just cannot believe that while Japan is conquering the world – here in America we are all lying around in the middle of the day reading trashy novels and masturbating.

No wonder everyone is fat.

This book should be called “50 Ways to Feel Bad about yourself and get fatter than you already are….”

So then I went to work and told this story to some of the girls I work with.  After I told them about L’s neighbor one of the girl’s stared at me.

“Well – of course – everyone has a “bullet.” I could never live without mine.” she said matter-of-factly.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I yelled in between laughter.

“What – don’t you have one?” she asked dead seriously.

“NO!!!!  I have a real live penis that lives with me – and I barely even use that!!! WHO HAS THIS KIND OF TIME????????” I yelled.

“Oh you’re missing out…I better get that book.” she answered matter-of-factly.

I give up.

Does anyone have any good book suggestions for the summer that don’t involve vampires or sadomasochism??

And PLEASE – WOMEN IN AMERICA – CAN THE NEXT BOOK WE OBSESS OVER – MAKE US STRONGER AND SMARTER AS WOMAN???

CAN WE NOT STAY HOME WITH BULLETS PRETENDING THAT IT IS A VAMPIRE’S PENIS??? PLEASE????????? AND IF YOU LIKE THIS POST PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK!! LET’S GET THE WORD OUT!!

XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Linking to Pour Your Heart Out and Mama Kat

 

 

http://yeahwrite.me/56-open-challenge/

A Clean Break


When I got laid off ages ago, I had a 9 month old baby and was pregnant with my second child. It seemed that the best option at that time was for me to stay home for a while taking care of my children.

It was during this time, when I was clearly overwhelmed, tired and confused that I fired the cleaning lady to cut costs.  I  figured that I could take care of the housekeeping since I would be home with two babies with nothing else to do but clean.

Little did I know that housecleaning is a full-time job in itself. 

Little did I know that when you are home with kids you have to clean the kitchen alone, 3-5 times a day. 

Little did I know that when you add to that the laundry, going to the grocery store and cooking dinner, and just the necessary picking up of toys so you don’t actually fall and break your leg, the entire day is gone. 

Little did I know that if I could carve out a spare minute in the day I might want to take a nap or a shower and that any frivolous extra cleaning would be too much.

Little did I know I effing hate cleaning and I don’t want to be a housecleaner. 

Come to find out – I want more from life than mopping floors and vacuuming.

So, maybe dusting, scrubbing grout, or cleaning the windows fell by the wayside a bit.  Maybe the kids put fingerprints on the walls and scribbled on the refrigerator and I didn’t get a chance to wipe it off.  Maybe they press their mouths and hands on the front glass door and I don’t think to Windex it afterwards, maybe the spill Cheerios and I know some goes under the couch but I don’t feel like moving furniture……

Before you know it you are living in a shit-hole.

And P.S.  – in the midst of the life of a stay-at-home mom – with the feeding and the nursing and the diapers – I don’t actually give two shits if there’s dust in my dining room or a stray cheerio under my formula-stained couch.

And P.P.S. – I didn’t go to college to sit around and wipe butts and empty the dishwasher – and I actually don’t really feel like cleaning the windows or cleaning the top of the refrigerator. 

Even when I would put my best foot forward – and really try to keep up with the housework – what actually would end up happening is that the mess would never go away. Despite my best efforts – my housecleaning duties and chores NEVER get done completely.

I was complaining about this – years ago – to one of Mr. Gaga’s aunts. 

Mr. Gaga’s aunts and mother typically spend 11 hours a day drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and playing scrabble, so there’s lots of time to chat.

When it's not their turn - they have time to chat and dole out parenting tips.....

“I just feel like I clean one room, then I go to the next room and clean that, and then when I go back to the first room it’s dirty again.  I can’t ever get anything done, my house is perpetually trashed…it’s impossible.”

Aunt Cathy looked at me and said in her raspy voice :

“You know I used to be like you – and I used to drive myself crazy keeping the house clean.  One day I was cleaning the curtains and my sisters called me to see if I would meet them at the park with kids.  I told them that I had planned to clean the curtains and I couldn’t make it. ”

They said “Cath – your kids will remember that you took them to the park – they won’t remember how clean your curtains are.”

Aunt Cathy took a deep drag from her cigarette and exhaled a huge cloud of smoke and stared at me….”I never cleaned again.”

And sadly for Mr. Gaga and my kids- after Aunt Cathy told me that story I never cleaned again either. ( Thanks Aunt Cathy – when you explained to me how unimportant cleaning was – that was the best day of my life!!!)

Well – I mean basic cleaning if I can; and I clean my toilets daily because I have two boys that seem to squirt pee everywhere except inside the actual toilet.

So – essential cleaning – but never will I stay in the house on a nice day when I could bring Sam to the park or skip a playdate or a trip to the library.

Cleaning is really not my cup of tea. 

My brother (who happens to have a cleaning lady, and a relative who comes over and has been known to clean the inside of their refrigerator and do their laundry!!!!  and has one magical baby that doesn’t make a mess and is only in the house a few hours a day) – finds my lack of cleaning offensive.

A couple of weeks ago I asked him why he thought he was a better parent than I was.

“Well – I guess because I care more about living in a clean environment than you do…” he said.

“Shut up!! What’s dirty in my environment?” I yelled.

“Well your toilets for one….”

“I CLEAN MY TOILETS LIKE EVERYDAY!!!! You don’t understand my life.”

But it got me thinking….maybe he’s on to something….having other people clean his house and then taking the credit for it and judging other people’s dirty homes.

I have been working a lot lately – I am not really technically a “stay-at-home” mom all the time any more……

I pretty much went back to work …..and I FORGOT TO REHIRE THE CLEANING LADY!!!!!

O.M.G.

What an idiot I am –  I have to find a cleaning lady!! I can totally carve out some money out of my budget for this important service!!

It’s only fair to the kids and Mr. Gaga that they live in a clean home, and fair to me that I not spend every minute of my life scrubbing a toilet.

I was thinking about it on my way home from work yesterday. 

I thought – well I will definitely get a cleaning lady at least every two weeks.  That will only be about $150.00 a month, and well worth it. 

We have no big expenses coming up – Sam is almost done with preschool – HOLLA!!!!! and so it seems like it should be fine to spend money on this…….

But then again – I could hold off for a little while and if I save the $150.00 a month for three months that could go towards a dose of Botox which is badly needed or a pair of really nice shoes…..hhhmmmm…

I could feel my foot sliding into these already.....It's about time I treat myself - I deserve it!!

I was mulling this over as I pulled into the driveway……

I went around back to talk to Mr. Gaga about my great new plan – and to say hi to the kids who are usually playing on their swing set. 

This is the scene I was expecting to see:

The inside of my house may be a bit messy - but my kids and my grass and my sky are definitely this perfect!!!

 But instead I found this……..

I ran inside.

“Ummmm…..what is going on outside??” I demanded of Mr. Gaga.

“Oh – yeah – that…..Well it seems that the wood was rotted and the whole thing snapped while the kids were swinging. So I had to take the whole thing apart.” he calmly answered. “I guess we will have to get a new one.”

“A new one? A good swing set is like $3000!!! ” I whined.

“I know – it sucks.” he replied.

“But I want shoes!!!” I cried.

He rolled his eyes.  “I was just so happy that nobody was hurt, that could have been really bad – the whole upper beam just snapped.” he said shaking his head with worry.

“Yeah, yeah – that’s totally scary……I need new sunglasses too by the way….and shoes…….and a cleaning lady……” I whimpered and threw myself on the couch.

“What if God forbid someone else’s kids were here and they got hurt?” he asked.

“I don’t want someone else’s kids here – I want a cleaning lady, and shoes!!!”  he left the room disinterested in my antics.

I turned to the kids who were watching Spongebob.

“Children – are you upset about the swing set?”

“Yes – but Daddy said you would get us a new one,” said Michael not taking his eyes off of the screen.

“What if you could have a clean house but no swing set?” I asked nonchalantly, “Which would you pick?”

“Swings!” they both answered.

“UUGGGHH” I leaned back on the couch and stared at the ceiling…….and noticed the cobwebs in the corner of the room……

So when do I ever get to have a clean house or a beautiful shoe on my foot??

WHEN AUNT CATHY??? WHEN?????

I know you probably don’t feel bad for me because I don’t have a new $600 pair of Gucci sandals…..but for the love of God did you see that broken swing set????? Please click the banner below to make me feel better 😉 XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Work…the Guilty Pleasure


“Sam was crying today when you didn’t pick him up 😦 “ Text from fellow preschool mother

“Go in my room and get my wallet …. I will give you some money so you can go get milk.” Disgruntled and thirsty 4-year-old

“Sam was so happy today that one of his actual parents picked him up.” Mr. Gaga after he left work to pick Sam up from school

“Mom – you need to buy me new underwear.” disgruntled 6-year-old.

“No – I don’t – I just have to do laundry.” Lady Goo Goo Gaga

“Well we know that’s never going to happen.” disgruntled and naked 6-year-old

These are just some of the pit-in-the-stomach inducing comments I received during the past 2 months while I took on a project for work that had me working essentially full-time.

I juggled, I asked for favors, I bribed babysitters, I got more to-go food, and in the end it worked out……kind of.

I decided to take on the extra hours for a few reasons.

#1 – Money.  Money is good – especially at the holidays. When I am home wiping butts and vacuuming legos – I actually don’t get paid….go figure.

#2 – So I miss a few soccer games where kids are kicking the ball into the wrong net – and birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese……GOOD!!!!

#3 – I have been home – cooking and cleaning and caring for 6 years.  If I have to empty the dishwasher or fold a fitted sheet one more time I am going to gouge out my eyeballs.

#4 – These people aren’t babies….how much do they really need me?

Um…apparently very much.

They cry.

They tell strangers and other mothers, “I’m sad because I miss my Mommy.”

Can you believe it?

Like it’s not stressful enough – I have to hear something so heartbreaking, and then feel like I have to explain my absence to the stranger or preschool mom that they are pouring their hearts out to.

Plus – I can’t really argue  – they are right to miss me.

I have missed practices, Christmas tree parties, dinners, bed-times, games, and birthday parties (THANK YOU JESUS FOR SILVER LININGS.)

I have been tired, frazzled and sad.

Also – of course when I am not working – I have to be spending time with the kids and Mr. Gaga, or catching up on my chores, so any “me” time was out the window.

Not that I would have done anything too leisurely with my spare time – but I basically didn’t even have time to get a manicure or a wax.

It’s hard when your kids are crying that they miss you, the laundry is to the ceiling and there’s no milk  – to make time for your moustache.

It seems downright selfish to think about trivial things like your appearance.

This is me making a quick run to the grocery store....with blatant disregard for my moustache or my camel toe......

Work is slowing down a bit now – so I can go back to my duties as driver, laundress and milk supplier.

Aside from the dreariness of housework – there are some perks.

Let’s be honest.

I can work out.

I can have a coffee in the morning while I check emails or watch Kelly Ripa if I want to.

I can work on projects around the house, I can shop, I can pick a recipe and cook it for dinner- instead of throwing chicken nuggets and carrots sticks at everyone and running out the door.

I can read a book to my children and kiss them goodnight.

Even though I complain  – it’s quite nice being a stay-at-home mom in some ways.

(I will change my mind in about 3 days – Stay tuned next week when I get a full-time job as a garbage man just to escape.)

The fact is – the grass is always greener and it’s never perfect.

One day mothers will come together and say “You know what – motherhood is hard, whether you are home or working.”

Whether I go to work while your home sipping a mimosa watching Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb or I’m sipping a latte at my desk and you are home scrubbing the toilet…..it’s a struggle.

If you say it’s not…..you are lying to yourself and others….

There – I said it.

SINCE I AM SO HONEST AND TELL IT LIKE IT IS IN A FUNNY DELIGHTFUL WAY THAT INCLUDES FUNNY TOM SELLECK PHOTOS ……CLICK THE BANNER BELOW PLEASE!!!

Linking to thingsicantsay

Even our Snowmen are Guidos


I am back – hope everyone had a Merry Christmas!!

The dust is settling here and I am coming out of an antipasto-induced coma and assessing how best to  return things I don’t like,

 throw the Nerf Guns in the garbage without the kids noticing, 

put things away.

I have spent a good part of the past two months complaining about how filthy my house is, how I step on little tiny LEGO pieces all over my house, and how I have to clean everything myself because my husband is too busy tailgating

Somehow – nobody cares.

None of you have offered to clean for me.

Nobody sent a cleaning service over.

Sigh.

Now coupled with my usual troubles of keeping a semi-clean house – I have to deal with scraps of wrapping paper, MORE toys everywhere, and the tree.

Well – somebody finally came to my rescue!!!  Just in time for pine needle season!!

Bissell.

I love you Bissell.

They sent me the BISSELL Perfect Sweep Turbo to help me pick up LEGOS!!! and anything else that needs a quick sweep. 

A major part of my problem is that I don’t want to go to the closet and get out my huge vacuum, so instead I just watch the Real Housewives of Beverly Hills surrounded by filth.

But now I have this Perfect Sweep Turbo- I have no excuse not to use it – this is like a modern-day dustbuster.

Mr. Gaga always says we need a dustbuster – now we just grab it from the porch and vacuum everything up – no plugging in.  And it is great at picking up those little annoying LEGOS! 

With the Perfect Sweep Turbo you can see exactly what you’re sweeping up and can easily pull it out of the container.  I mean it when I tell you –  I LOVE THIS PRODUCT. (Which you all probably already have because you are good at housekeeping.)

And now – as I tried to get organized and put things away – I got around to opening Michael’s backpack which was jam-packed with papers that I hadn’t had time to look at.

In the pile was a book that he had been working on throughout December at school.  This project entailed him writing and illustrating a book about a snowman.

When I was growing up I just wanted to listen to Cyndi Lauper or Madonna in the car and my parents would be listening to Imus or the WDRC 106.9 the Oldies station.

Mr. Gaga and I are NOT like that. WE ARE VERY COOL HIP PARENTS.  We listen to “top 40” and pop music and we know who Nicki Minaj is and are known to have dance parties with the kids.  We pretty much listen to everything – except gangsta rap.

So of course, Michael would think nothing of creating a story about a snowman that comes to life and starts to sing and dance.  I’m also sure it would seem perfectly logical for him to sing “I’m Sexy and I Know it.”

This is Michael's snowman on his way home from the Shish Lounge in West Hartford.....

So he was quite taken aback when his teacher made him change his story – because “That is not an appropriate word for a first-grader.”

He changed it to "I'm Coldy and I know it...."

Ummm….does that also mean it’s not appropriate for my kids to rip their clothes off and dance to that song in their underwear, gyrating their hips like they are Chippendales dancers?

Darn it.

I guess I will have to add to my better parenting New Year’s Resolution list – #43 – NO STRIP SHOWS TO “I’M SEXY AND I KNOW IT.”

Linking to http://www.thingicantsay.com

PLEASE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM EVER!!!  ALTHOUGH MY CHILDREN LISTEN TO INAPPROPRIATE LYRICS, AT LEAST I’M FUNNY……..

It’s a Wonderful Life…….for my husband


So because I have been working more than usual and can barely get my chores done, when Christmas decorating, baking, cards, shopping, wrapping, etc is added to the mix ……forget it.

I have thrown my hands up in the air – and started to delegate a lot to Mr. Gaga.

Also – I have had to let some things go. 

Some activities I simply cannot do. 

The parent volunteer sign-up sheet for my preschooler’s class went right in the garbage – along with the order forms and catalogues for the pie and wrapping paper fundraiser. (sorry PTO – maybe next year ….but let’s be honest….probably not)

Traditionally, we go cut down our tree the same day as my parents, cousins, aunts and uncles, brother, etc. 

We spend the day at the farm tailgating. 

Let me be clear in case you find this an odd tradition – my husband would tailgate at funerals if they let him.   Any excuse to start an open fire and stand around it for hours on end talking, drinking and eating…..

This is Mr. Gaga at the Christmas Tree Tailgate party...

This year – I just couldn’t find a day that worked – so I gave up and told Mr. Gaga to go without me last Saturday morning.  I told him to go early and come home in the afternoon, that way he could put the tree up – and start dinner.  I would get home around 7, we could eat dinner and then trim the tree as a family.

Mind you – this was at the end of a long 50 hour work week for me and Sunday would be the start of another one – so we really only had this small window of time to decorate the tree and have some family time.

Do you know when I got home at 7:15 PM…… hungry and tired, looking forward to dinner and a glass of wine and Christmas cheer……..

Mr. Gaga and my tree were NOT HOME YET.

Do you understand what I am telling you?

Not only was the tree not UP WITH LIGHTS ON IT…..

…….it was not FUCKING HOME.

Do you know at the end of “It’s a Wonderful Life” when George Bailey comes home and wants to kill everyone – and he kicks all the presents and says “Janie will you stop playing that lousy piano?” and then he goes up the stairs and wants to throw the piece of the banister on the floor…..that was me. 

I wanted to kick everything and murder my husband.

I trudged into the cold, dark house.

I turned on the lights.

The chicken I had put out that morning to defrost (that should now have been in a fajita) was on the counter sitting limply in a defrosted pile.

The morning coffee cups and breakfast dishes were on the counter.

The morning newspaper was strewn about.

The sink was filled with dirty dishes and……

wait for it……

the dishwasher needed to be emptied.

I went ballistic.

Instead of calling and yelling at Mr. Welch - I called Mr. Gaga and told him he was a motherfucker.....then I went out into town looking for a bridge to jump from......

 
 
I slammed all the pots and pans and started making dinner.
 
I swore out loud for twenty minutes calling my husband every bad name I could think of.
 
And then I did what George Bailey would do in my position. 
 
I cried.
 
When my husband came home Sam was asleep already – which further sent me into a tirade.
 
I informed Mr. Gaga – that because he chose to stand around looking at a fire pit and eating sausage and peppers for 14 hours – now Christmas was destroyed. 
 
Poor Michael still had hope – so after I cooked and ate dinner by myself – because NOBODY WAS HUNGRY BECAUSE THEIR FATHER GAVE THEM HOT DOGS ALL DAY…..
 
I tried to put the lights up with Mr. Gaga while not speaking to him and simultaneously sending him hateful vibes through the pine needles.
 

What's the big deal? Why are you crying? Are you crying about coming home to raw chicken on the counter and a messy house or is it just because you married an idiot that cares more about tailgating than he does about you?

 
Michael waited patiently to hang the ornaments, snuggled on the couch in his PJ’s.  When we finally finished putting up the lights, and were ready to hang ornaments, I looked over at him and he was fast asleep.
 
This broke my heart.  I reminded Mr. Gaga once more that the kids will never be 4 1/2 and 6 again – and they couldn’t decorate the tree this year because of him and that he single-handedly destroyed Christmas for all of us.
 
I finished decorating the tree by myself until midnight…..crying.
 
Is this just a horrible Christmas tale or what?
 
This seems to always happen to me!
 
I am so frantically trying to create happy memories for myself and my kids every year, and every year it ends in disaster.
 
I am determined to have Christmas cheer!!!!
 
I am Clark Griswold.
 
 
“You’re doing too much – just stay home and empty the dishwasher and decorate the tree. Nobody’s husband is doing everything with the kids, cooking chicken, and emptying the dishwasher….forget it.” my BF lectured me.
“So you are saying this is all my fault for going to work?” I yelled.
“No – I am saying that you have created chaos by working all these hours – so just don’t get mad when nothing gets done.  It’s just not going to get done until you get home and do it yourself.”
 
What a horrible answer.
 
Sadly – she’s probably right.
 
All I know is that I can’t do it all alone – and I especially can’t do it all alone at Christmas-time.
 
I think Mr. Gaga got the message. He has been helping much more and I eventually started speaking to him on Tuesday…….
 
Tis the Season!!!!
 
 
 
Please click on the banner below to give me a vote for funniest mom in America:)  Thanks!! XOXOXO LADY GOO GOO GAGA
 
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