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Category Archives: being too busy to clean my house

Lady’s Favorite Things


So this is like Oprah’s Favorite things, except that I am just a little bit fat and not rich like Oprah…..and except 50 favorite things I have like 8…..and of the 8, I am only giving away one thing to one person…..so don’t get too excited.

A friend who is newly pregnant for the first time was complaining that she didn’t know what to ask her husband to get her for Christmas.

“Get something luxurious – because this is it for you sister…” I said knowingly.

“No way!!!” she responded not-knowingly.

I then guided her through Nordstrom pointing out some items to ask for that she would never think of until it was too late.

This has inspired me to compile a list of items to add to your wish list to help you survive motherhood….

Before you have children you have no idea how they will ruin you mentally and physically.

It is not something that happens overnight.

The graying, the aging, the dark-circling, the overall weathering….it’s a slow process.

When all is said and done, when your last child goes into school full-day, you will finally have a minute to look in the mirror and you will be frightened at what you see.

I remember thinking I looked completely hideous when Michael was a baby.

I look back at pictures from that time and I realize I looked like Gisele then compared to what I look like now.

There are ways to keep things somewhat under control….here are some tips:

#1 – UNDEREYE CONCEALER -I actually speak of this in my blog bio page – because I truly consider it a survival tool for motherhood.  Particularly Cle de Peau concealer, which retails for $70.  It is worth EVERY PENNY!!  It’s like a night’s sleep in a tube.

#2 – RAIN BOOTS – Somehow I avoided water and weather for 25 years.

Upon having children, every doctor’s appointment, music class and preschool time will magically coincide with torrential downpours.

My Tory Burch Rainboots are one of my best investments.  They get me out of a lot of jams….

boots

They can be Burberry or Hunter boots or Target…it doesn’t matter the brand…just do it.

It’s not enough that we are fat and tired??

The least we can do is have dry feet for god sakes.

3 – Keurig Coffeemaker – When my in-laws got this for us a couple of years ago, I was thinking I didn’t really need it and it would take up counter space.

Oh how wrong I was. I do need it.  You know how you offer a hot beverage to a mom or a kid when they are at your house for a playdate and they take you up on it??  That’s why you need this.

Or when you are running late and you don’t have time for the whole deal with the coffee pot?

Do it.

4 – Keratin Treatment – I have mentioned in the past how my hair resembles a dobie pad.    When you have small children and limited time to take care of yourself – and you have the same hair as Whoopi Goldberg this can be problematic.

This is the famous picture of me before I started doing keratin treatments....

This is the famous picture of me before I started doing keratin treatments….

Keratin is my friend.  These treatments allow me to go days without washing or blow-drying my hair.  It can be your friend too.  It can be pricey for treatments in the salon, but you can also try an at-home treatment.  You can enter to win a free one at http://theglossgirls.com

You’re welcome.

5 – Bissell Perfect Sweep Turbo – Listen – we all know I am not winning any cleaning awards anytime soon.  This little electric sweeper is the best thing to come into my household in a long time.  It actually can sweep up everything on bare floors or rugs with ease…including ……LEGOS!!!!!

bissell

Bissell was so kind to give me a complimentary sweeper last year – and since then countless friends and family have purchased one and loved them!!

6 – Waterproof Eye makeup:  – So somewhere between the lack of sleep, the hurried getting ready in the morning and the torrential downpours, there comes a need for waterproof eye makeup.

I totally had it together before the kids.  I had my cosmetics routine down pat.

Somehow the new wrinkles and puffs that children brought to my eye area, as well as the lack of time to do nice eye makeup – resulted in a black smudged mascara and liner all around my eyes on the daily.

If you think looking like a heroin addict is a cute look for the children’s library class, you are sadly mistaken.

The worst is when you don’t even realize you look like a lunatic until you get back into your car and you have already chatted it up with 5 moms and the librarian.

Sure, I would love to set up a playdate! Your house or mine??

Sure, I would love to set up a playdate! Your house or mine??

My absolute FAVORITE waterproof eye makeup tool is the Laura Mercier Caviar Stick...It can be eyeliner and shadow and it will not budge all day long.

I am giving one of you a Laura Mercier Caviar Stick in Smoke ($24) this week just because I love you…(see below for details)

Caviar_Stick_Smoke_4

7 – UGGS  –I truly don’t know what mothers did before UGGS were invented.  Pamela Anderson started the trend for moms to wear UGGS with anything and everything and thank God.  What would moms wear to the bus stop in the old days? KEDS? A heel??

Thanks again Pamela for being the voice of reason for moms across America......

Thanks again Pamela for being the voice of reason for moms across America……

It doesn’t matter if you think they are ugly.

It also doesn’t matter if they are no longer in style.

It’s a non-negotiable piece of “Mom-footwear.” Put one toe into these bad boys and there’s no going back.  Once your feet are inside these soft boots filled with what feels like clouds from heaven,  you won’t care if you look like Gene Simmons.

Come to think of it, with the makeup all over his face, the underwear with metal spikes on it in case your husband gets an ideas, the bad hair, and the ugly boots...Gene Simmons should be the mascot for motherhood.....

Come to think of it, with the makeup all over his face, the underwear with metal spikes on it to keep romance at bay, the bad hair, and the ugly boots…Gene Simmons should be the mascot for motherhood…..

And finally my number one item topping the list is something that I don’t have yet, but I know I should.  It is consistently on my to-get list, and I just never get around to doing it.

A CLEANING LADY!!!

I just never get around to hiring one and the next thing I know the bathrooms are disgusting and the Hoarders crew is at my house trying to interview me…..Sigh.

Now to the fun part –

If you SIGN UP FOR MY TWEETS  (@lgoogoogaga) you get one entry and

if  you LIKE ME ON FACEBOOK you get another entry towards the

LAURA MERCIER CAVIAR STICK that will change your life and ensure that you don’t look like a crystal meth addict the next time you are stuck in rain running errands…..

Winner will be picked randomly (US AND CANADA ONLY) between now and Sunday December 16th at 5 PM!

As a sidenote – none of the products mentioned above have been sent to me for review except for my BISSELL…..which frankly I think is just rude……

All of the opinions and mentions are my own opinion and I think you should listen to me – because I know what I am talking about…..just sayin.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!!

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK!!! YOU NEVER KNOW WHO MIGHT NEED SOME HELP WITH THEIR WISH LISTS THIS SEASON!!!!!

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“Having it All”


As the election approaches there is a lot of talk about the state of women in this country.  I was lucky enough to be invited by my mother last week to the CT Forum, which is an organization that hosts panelists to discuss topics and ideas in a live, unscripted venue.

The topic was “The State of Women,” and the panel included Ashley Judd and Gloria Steinem.  Besides just watching the event, my mother had gotten us seats at a pre-show cocktail party and dinner where we could mingle with the celebrity panelists.

Although we were supposed to be taking all of these women’s issues very seriously, I had watched enough Oprah shows to secretly hope to throw back a martini with Ashley Judd and get to the bottom of what it was like to grow up with Wynonna and Naomi.

Although I was looking forward to it, this Friday night excursion couldn’t happen on a worse week.  I had booked myself to work everyday for 6 straight days, and Michael’s Halloween birthday party was Saturday afternoon.

Oh yeah, and I was working all day Saturday and would get home an hour before the party begun.

I spent the weeknights leading up to the party at the grocery store, filling pinatas, decorating and making spider cookies so that come Saturday I would be somewhat prepared.

Listen, if anyone ever wants to argue the point that I am not a good mother, I think it’s fair to say that all I have to do is show them this photo of my tarantula cookies to prove otherwise……(thank you Rachael Ray)

Needless to say – as usual,whenever work takes over, my house was completely trashed and laundry was to the ceiling.  I would need to do some cleaning before the party, or parents would be afraid to leave their children at my house!

By Friday, I was completely exhausted and overwhelmed.  I had to leave the house early to drive to work over an hour away in Fairfield County. The people I was working for were not happy that I had to leave early to head back so that I could go to the CT Forum event in Hartford.

Now on top of party stress, the house stress, the work stress, the exhaustion…..add to that…….the MERRITT PARKWAY ON A FRIDAY AT 5 PM.

If you have not experienced the lovely travelling conditions in Connecticut consider yourself lucky.

Oh, did I mention I was on the second day of my period?  That’s the day where if I am not by a toilet on the hour – I look like I have been in a slasher film from the 80’s.

2 hours later, I missed the entire cocktail hour.  I was ready to cry.

I knew my mother was going to be disappointed/mad, and also I really had wanted to corner Ashley and stare at her.  I was beyond annoyed as I peeled into a parking lot and waddled out of my car.

The dinner party was held at the Wadsworth Atheneum, which is essentially a small museum that I didn’t know my way around.  I desperately needed a restroom.  I entered the building where the party was being held.  I ran through the lobby and an abandoned ballroom.  I saw people filing into two dining rooms getting seated for dinner.

I wanted to find my seat before everyone was seated but there was no way.  I needed to change my tampon ASAP.

I  turned down an empty corridor and saw a small little door with a “woman symbol” on it.  Thankfully, I shoved the door open and found myself in a very small little bathroom with just 2 tight little stalls in it.

As I looked into this small space this is what I saw:

Finally something fun happened in my life!!

I got to change my tampon next to Ashley Judd!!!

That made up for the fact that I didn’t get to drill her about her mother and sister like I had planned.

So after dinner we went to listen to these amazing women discuss many of the issues plaguing women today.

There was lots of great discussion, but in particular I was most interested in the topic of “women having it all.”

Here I was on the brink of a nervous breakdown from trying to DO IT ALL!  So I was interested in everyone’s answers to this question.

Can women today really have it all??

I don’t think so.

Mr. Gaga helped me incredibly, as usual, with the party.  On Saturday morning I left him home with a to-do list of things to do, which included cleaning up the house, putting up a tent outside and decorating it, setting up fog machines, tying up pinatas…..the list was endless.

He fully supports me going to work and takes the kids to their games and parties when I am not available.  I have even been known to dump them off at his workplace.

While I know I am lucky to have a supportive husband, it doesn’t mean I can “have it all.”

I am the one making the “to-do list.” I am the one going to the store at 10 PM buying 16 perfect pumpkins to decorate.  I am the one in the craft store looking for little skull candies to decorate 75 cake pops.

I am the one up all night worrying while Mr. Gaga snores.

I am the one envisioning this cake and wondering if Michael will like it, and how I will get the black frosting out of his white vampire shirt…..

So maybe I didn’t actually make this cake all by myself…..

But I had to think about it! I had to find it in a Halloween desserts book!! I had to hire someone to create it!!!

This is what mothers do!  Mr Gaga, God love him, would hand out Halloween Oreos and call it a day.

So can we have it all? Can we even do it all?

I know I can’t.

Or if I can I sure as hell don’t look good doing it.

Because guess what? If I go to work, and I make it to the CT Forum with my mother, and the party is a success, and my house is clean……chances are I have let my own needs go by the wayside.

This means I haven’t had time for the gym, sleep, dying my gray hair or waxing my moustache.

I sure am glad that everyone appreciated the Halloween party……                                                        This is what I look like as a result , so I hope you are all happy.

I feel a bit duped by my mother’s generation.

They said we could go to college. They said we could be “the boss.”

They said we were just as smart smarter than the boys.

They said we could have a career and a family.

They told us that we could do it all.

They were so high on marijuana excited about the new freedoms for women in the 1970’s, that they believed the sky was the limit!

They thought that the glass ceiling would be gone and everything would be perfect for us.

“You can have it all,” they would whisper in our ears, as they tucked us into bed.

And we believed them.

There was no doubt in my mind when I saw Geraldine Ferraro campaigning for vice-president that a woman would someday be president.

I absolutely believed that I would go to college, have a career and have a family.

That would be what I did.  It would just work.

But it really doesn’t always work!

And even if it looks like it’s working, we are filled with guilt and doubts.

These are feelings that men can never take over for us, no matter how much they are helping.

Let’s face it……even the best Dad in the world isn’t a mom.

I just don’t know if it’s possible.

But Gloria’s answer to this was perfect!

“I just want to say, why aren’t men asked about having it all?  Until men are asked about having it all, it will mean that women are doing it all….”

Ok Gloria, well-said but I still don’t know the answer.

Do any of you women out there feel like you can do it all or have it all??

If so, share your secrets with me!!!

And in the meantime – while we are all trying to conquer the world is it too much to ask for someone to make us a goddamn tampon that lasts more than an hour??

PLEASE SHARE THIS ON FACEBOOK AND SEE IF WE CAN CONQUER THIS DILEMMA WITH SOME GOOD OLD FASHIONED SOCIAL MEDIA!!!!! 

I LOOK FORWARD TO HEARING ALL OF YOUR SECRETS:)
XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Be careful what you wish for…


When Sam went off to kindergarten, I cried as I walked back home.  Mr. Gaga and I sat on the front steps enjoying a few sips of morning coffee, and then off he went to work.  I stepped into the kitchen, wiped my tears, put my coffee cup in the sink and looked around.

We had spent the past two days frantically shopping and unpacking from vacation.  Mr. Gaga had been nice enough to make a big “back-to-school breakfast” for the kids, and the remaining pans with greasy bacon and crusted eggs were on the stove top.  The dishwasher was full and needed emptying, there were Legos all over the floor, a stack of papers that needed to be filled out and returned to school was scattered all over the kitchen island, cups and breakfast plates littered the counters.

The place was a shit hole.

I stared at the dishwasher and the weight of it coupled with the deafening silence of the house was too much to bear.

I turned on my heel and went up to my bedroom to get ready for work. (Although it would be nice to have time to myself – I knew it would be best for my mental health to be working that day.) If I had nowhere to be – I I would have surely dissolved into a hysterical mess on the floor in front of the dishwasher.

I had dreamt of this day for 7 years.  As soon as Michael’s head was crowning in the delivery room I was thinking about the day I could ditch him and have some “me” time.

I had wished many times for a day that I would be all alone and could drink my coffee in peace, and watch whatever morning program I wanted.  As I got ready for work I decided to turn on the television in my bedroom and watch Kelly Ripa.

After a couple of minutes I had to call my BF.

“Um – I have been waiting to watch Kelly for 7 years and today is the day – and it sucks.” I said sinking into a depression.

“Oh, yeah – it’s horrible, there’s some football player on it now….it’s not good,” she answered matter-of-factly.

So – all this time I have been watching morning cartoons, and I finally get to watch and there’s some weird football player instead of Regis?

Well, thank God I had somewhere to be – so I couldn’t get too upset.

As I made my way out the door to go to work – I remembered the filthy house.  As I shut the door behind me – I thought, “I’ll clean it up later, I’ll just tell Mr. Gaga that I was busy with…..too busy with….that I ….that I what??

Oh shit.

A newfound sense of dread crept through me as I drove to work pondering this little dilemma.  It seems that when those kids got on that bus to full-day school they took with them a long list of excuses that I will no longer be able to use.

Will I ever be able to say I’m tired again?

” Tired from what?” people will ask.

What will my answer be?

“Tired from walking 3 inches to the bus stop twice a day?”

“Tired from pouring cereal in two separate bowls in the morning?”

And what about Mr. Gaga? He’s never going to let me be “tired” again!!! In the past I could always block any romantic overtures with complaints of exhaustion so that I could watch my shows and relax at night.

I could bark out things like “I just breastfed your son all day, get away from me!” or “Don’t come near me I have been cleaning up vomit all day.”

Now what will I say? I better think of something or the Gaga household is going to be a lot more romantic than its been in approximately 7 years.

This should make your feet feel better after all that walking back and forth to the bus-stop ….now get upstairs!

Speaking of which – I would kill for a day of pampering at the spa.   But if I don’t clean or accomplish anything and take some “me” time, it will probably not look good.  I will just have to tell Mr. Gaga (and anyone else who asks) that I spend a lot of time volunteering at the kids’ classrooms.

Meanwhile, Mr. Gaga will think my toes are curled in the throes of ecstasy, but I will really just be hiding my pedicure.

If all of a sudden I start to look put together and well-groomed – it will be a signal that I have too much time on my hands.

Hmmm, I will have to wear a fake moustache when he’s around or he will totally know something is up!

“My day was sooo boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend I would volunteer with her at a soup kitchen today……”   “What? Oh, I know I keep meaning to wax my moustache but I haven’t had a minute!!!”

And then what? Is Mr. Gaga going to expect me to shave my legs on a regular basis?  I can’t really think of a reason why they wouldn’t be shaved… now that I have ALL DAY!!!

What will be next? Will I be expected to wear matching bra and underwear sets?  Will I have to throw out my maternity underwear once and for all?

Speaking of underwear, what reason will there be for people in the Gaga household to not have clean underwear anymore?  I certainly can no longer say I haven’t had a chance to do laundry…..

At one point this past holiday season, Mr. Gaga pointed out that he wore a pair of dirty underwear inside-out in an act of sheer desperation, because I had neglected the laundry for so long.

I don’t think that’s going to fly anymore.

Let’s face it. There’s no household chore I will be able to get out of.  I’ve been known to leave the house in the morning without emptying the dishwasher.  I would be out and about all day running errands and entertaining the children, and then I would watch Mr. Gaga do it at night while I made dinner.

“Sorry – I couldn’t get to it in between the library, the park, the playdate, and music class!” I would say.

And speaking of Mr. Gaga coming home from work….there have many days that I have met him in the driveway as he got out of his car.  Citing horrible children that were torturing me, I would leave frantically in search of a minute’s peace.  I would go anywhere to get away from the beasts and leave him to deal with them for an hour or two.

After I am home alone all day – I don’t think Mr. Gaga will like coming home to this anymore…..

Oh, and my car.  For the past 7 years, Mr. Gaga and any other responsible adult would be horrified upon entering my vehicle.  It is basically filled with pounds and pounds of beach sand from May to September, along with crushed goldfish, munchkin pieces, exploded Capri Sun containers, and used straws.

Now when someone sits in the back seat and leaves with sandy french fries on their ass, who can I blame?

Myself???  Oh the horror.

I guess the need for fast food will be out the window anyhow.  What reason will there be for no dinner? Could I say I just didn’t feel like it? Could I say that I spent the day watching television programs and forgot to plan for supper?

I don’t think so.

Oh how I love this new host with Kelly!! I can worry about dinner later…..

It seems to me I have my work cut out for me more than ever before.  Will it ever end??

Sigh.

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY…BE CAREFUL WHAT YOU WISH FOR!!  RIGHT NOW I WISH FOR YOU TO CLICK THE BANNER BELOW….IT’S THE LEAST YOU CAN DO…

XO LADYGOOGOOGAGA

Bullets for Breakfast


ALERT: DAD AND MR. GAGA’s FAMILY AND FRIENDS  – THIS POST CONTAINS SEXUALLY EXPLICIT MATERIAL THAT MAY BE OFFENSIVE

I am a reader.  I belong to a book club that considers itself filled with intelligent sometimes haughty women who wouldn’t be caught dead reading something like Twilight or a smutty romance novel.

However, we were all intrigued by the latest craze of 50 Shades of Grey.  Not our usual choice – we decided to go outside of our comfort zone and try some “mommy porn,” as it’s been dubbed.

The first few nights I read it – I fell asleep from boredom with the book on my chest.  By the third night I got to some racy parts – but was so turned off by the cheese factor I couldn’t believe it.

Is this what women in America find entertaining? A woman who says “Oh my!”  when she is aroused?? Really??

My best friend, (I’ll call her L) who has literally read 2 books in her entire life, was even feeding into the hype.

“Is it good? Should I read it?” she asked me.  She really needs 100 percent confirmation that it’s going to be worth it – if she puts down her US Weekly and reads a book.

“I don’t really think so…it’s kind of boring.” I answered.

“Well like what happens? Tell me a scene that would be exciting.” she implored.

“Hmm, well like last night I read it and she had a dream that she was tied up spread eagle on the bed and the boyfriend whipped her vagina with a riding crop until she had an orgasm.”

Silence.

“Ummm, that would hurt and I would be pissed.” she answered.

“I know!! I’m telling you!!” I answered laughing.

Are we crazy that we don’t find this exciting?

Are we just too bitchy to find the fun in having a rich man whip us and tie us up?  Is it exciting because he’s rich and he buys her clothes and jewelry?

Because let me tell you – I love me some jewels and Louis Vuitton – but I think I would rather eat Ramen Noodles and wear jelly bracelets – than have to call someone “Sir” while he whips my hoo-ha.

The more I read the more I am concerned for America.

I had a hunch we were in trouble when everyone went crazy over Twilight.

Women all across America are locked up in their houses fantasizing about making out with a vampire or getting whipped by some rich dude.

Am I the only person that finds this troubling?

If this is indicative of the general state of our national self-esteem…..we are totally screwed.

I kept reading but haven’t really been too excited by this book – and PS the actual writing is god-awful.

L  called a few days after our chat.

There is a neighbor of her’s that she always complains about.  The woman lets her children roam free without watching them and her house is always filthy.  This woman doesn’t work,  so L has always wondered what she does all day.

“So – I saw my neighbor outside while the kids were playing – and that book came up, and I told her how you didn’t really like it….” she said.

“Yeah…”

“So – she said – “Oh no, I love it! I was reading it the other day – and I had to take out my “Bullet” twice…”

I died laughing.

“Can you believe that her house is fucking filthy – I’m here like feeding her kids – and she’s inside with the blinds closed – jacking off?” she said with horror.

No.

No I can’t believe it.

I have mentioned many times how I don’t seem to find the time to clean and get things done that need to get done.  Generally speaking in terms of taking care of business – on my to-do list taking care of my vagina is usually not on the list at all.

“I’m so tired. If I finish all these dishes – I will go get the clothes off of the line – and then I will go in my room and get naked and make some time for my vagina.”

I am very sorry – but I just cannot believe that while Japan is conquering the world – here in America we are all lying around in the middle of the day reading trashy novels and masturbating.

No wonder everyone is fat.

This book should be called “50 Ways to Feel Bad about yourself and get fatter than you already are….”

So then I went to work and told this story to some of the girls I work with.  After I told them about L’s neighbor one of the girl’s stared at me.

“Well – of course – everyone has a “bullet.” I could never live without mine.” she said matter-of-factly.

“What the fuck are you talking about?” I yelled in between laughter.

“What – don’t you have one?” she asked dead seriously.

“NO!!!!  I have a real live penis that lives with me – and I barely even use that!!! WHO HAS THIS KIND OF TIME????????” I yelled.

“Oh you’re missing out…I better get that book.” she answered matter-of-factly.

I give up.

Does anyone have any good book suggestions for the summer that don’t involve vampires or sadomasochism??

And PLEASE – WOMEN IN AMERICA – CAN THE NEXT BOOK WE OBSESS OVER – MAKE US STRONGER AND SMARTER AS WOMAN???

CAN WE NOT STAY HOME WITH BULLETS PRETENDING THAT IT IS A VAMPIRE’S PENIS??? PLEASE????????? AND IF YOU LIKE THIS POST PLEASE SHARE ON FACEBOOK!! LET’S GET THE WORD OUT!!

XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Linking to Pour Your Heart Out and Mama Kat

 

 

http://yeahwrite.me/56-open-challenge/

“Does Barry Manilow know you raid his wardrobe?”


The problem with “stay-cations” is that they are really just about “staying”  and not really much about  “cationing.” 

You stay home, cooking and cleaning and yelling at your kids, and then you say “I am on a “stay-cation!” and that’s supposed to change anything??

One good thing is that the weather was absolutely glorious this week – which was lovely, especially after Mr. Gaga and my brother worked 5 long days to put together our new playground!! 

At the end of the week – I got to have an actual girls’ getaway – with my sister-in-law and mother at the Waldorf Astoria.  I was looking forward to shopping, being pampered at Drybar and eating and drinking at amazing restaurants, like Le Cirque and  Il Buco Alimentari e Vineria

Life is great.

Only one problem.

My usual problem.

My rags.

I have been able to sneak by with fashion choices during the past few years – that have kept me somewhat in style. 

Mostly due to luck (thank you boyfriend blazer, Juicy Couture, UGGS, and ballet flats.) 

It was like fashion magic that as soon as I was too weak and fat to wear a heel or a pant with a button, the styles changed to suit my needs. 

And thank you, Pamela, for making it perfectly acceptable to wear UGGS with any outfit and making it cool to look like a lunatic while running errands....

It seems that the party is over.

Apparently while I was home wearing wifebeaters and flip-flops for 7 years,  the rest of the world time-traveled to 1985.

I totally had not realized that we had gone back to the 80’s  – and I needed clothes for my NYC stay. 

“Where should I go? I don’t even know what to do, I am such an old weathered nerd….” I asked my BF. 

What is your damage, Gaga?  Didn’t you blog about this a year ago and say you were going to Ann Taylor Loft?” she asked.

“Oh right….I never did that.”

This is always what happens to me.  I get by with my t-shirts and jeans and then when I have to go somewhere I am in trouble.

So off I went to Forever 21 and H&M to get something cool and trendy.

The entire store was filled with 80’s fashions.

80’s fashions were hard to pull off in the actual 80’s when I was 10.

This was my absolute favorite outfit circa 1988. I made these "jorts" myself - and my aunt made that Madonna t-shirt in art class- and we cut it into a half shirt. I distinctly remember laying on my bed and pulling the zipper up on those bad boys with a wire hanger. I don't really have that kind of time anymore.......

It is extremely hard to pull of now that I am in my 30’s, fat, have a muffin top……older.

Let’s just say that when you want nothing more than to look like this……

If you are an old weathered housewife – it ends up looking like this……

Apparently women that are still occasionally asked when they are due – do not look good in skin-tight neon pink pants and half shirts.

I came home defeated wearing a new black jacket and more wifebeaters.

What are you wearing?” asked Mr. Gaga.

” A jacket. It used to belong to Jimi Hendrix.” I replied.

“You bought a used jacket? What are we, poor?”

I decided I would just shop when I got to New York…. you know the land of skinny women who are on top of every trend. 

That was a totally awesome idea! 

NOT.

My sister-in-law and I went to Saks first, thinking it wouldn’t be as absurd as Forever 21.

When we arrived I realized that Saks had time traveled to the 80’s as well.  As I looked through the piles of colored neon pants, leggings with lace on the bottom and half shirts – I couldn’t believe my eyes.  I think I even say a t-shirt on it that said “RELAX.”

“I feel like I have already been down this road.” I said with shock to my sister-in-law, as I looked through a pile of jelly bracelets.

Roads? Where we’re going, we don’t need roads.” she answered cryptically.

“Huh?”

The store was filled with 80’s pants and I tried to narrow down my choices….

I finally narrowed it down to these 10.....

I asked a young man to help me choose something appropriate.  You should wear these – he said picking up the hot pink pair of skinny jeans.

“I don’t think so…” I answered.

“You should listen to me – I have been here for 7 1/2 years…I’m no dummy.” he answered.

I politely declined.

I finally settled on a coral cropped pair and paired it with coral nails and lips.  I considered a Swatch watch but felt it was too ridiculous and just picked up some feather earrings instead.   We spent HOURS shopping and we finally had some trendy pieces to work with.

We were so happy we finally had found a good outfit that we could wear to dinner that could also be worn when we take the kids to the park or playdates.....

I picked up some Rubix Cubes and some Garbage Pail Kids for Sam and Michael and headed back to the hotel to get ready.  We continued to enjoy our luxurious weekend of eating and drinking.

By the time I got home I was fully relaxed, completely comfortable with my new 80’s fashions and feeling very pampered.

I was thrust back to reality right when I came home to see filthy bedrooms with Lego pieces everywhere, laundry to the ceiling, and no food in the refrigerator.

I looked at Mr. Gaga who was watching a game.

“I don’t belong here, I feel it, don’t you think I feel it! I can’t do any of these vile things and I wouldn’t WANT to. Oh, my life is like death! My children are the spawn of hell, and you’re the devil. Oh God!”

He looked up at me and then looked back at the television.

Corn nuts.

So in honor of the fact that we have time-traveled to the 80’s I felt compelled to incorporate 6 movie quotes from the 80’s……

What are some of your favorite quote from the 80’s???

A Clean Break


When I got laid off ages ago, I had a 9 month old baby and was pregnant with my second child. It seemed that the best option at that time was for me to stay home for a while taking care of my children.

It was during this time, when I was clearly overwhelmed, tired and confused that I fired the cleaning lady to cut costs.  I  figured that I could take care of the housekeeping since I would be home with two babies with nothing else to do but clean.

Little did I know that housecleaning is a full-time job in itself. 

Little did I know that when you are home with kids you have to clean the kitchen alone, 3-5 times a day. 

Little did I know that when you add to that the laundry, going to the grocery store and cooking dinner, and just the necessary picking up of toys so you don’t actually fall and break your leg, the entire day is gone. 

Little did I know that if I could carve out a spare minute in the day I might want to take a nap or a shower and that any frivolous extra cleaning would be too much.

Little did I know I effing hate cleaning and I don’t want to be a housecleaner. 

Come to find out – I want more from life than mopping floors and vacuuming.

So, maybe dusting, scrubbing grout, or cleaning the windows fell by the wayside a bit.  Maybe the kids put fingerprints on the walls and scribbled on the refrigerator and I didn’t get a chance to wipe it off.  Maybe they press their mouths and hands on the front glass door and I don’t think to Windex it afterwards, maybe the spill Cheerios and I know some goes under the couch but I don’t feel like moving furniture……

Before you know it you are living in a shit-hole.

And P.S.  – in the midst of the life of a stay-at-home mom – with the feeding and the nursing and the diapers – I don’t actually give two shits if there’s dust in my dining room or a stray cheerio under my formula-stained couch.

And P.P.S. – I didn’t go to college to sit around and wipe butts and empty the dishwasher – and I actually don’t really feel like cleaning the windows or cleaning the top of the refrigerator. 

Even when I would put my best foot forward – and really try to keep up with the housework – what actually would end up happening is that the mess would never go away. Despite my best efforts – my housecleaning duties and chores NEVER get done completely.

I was complaining about this – years ago – to one of Mr. Gaga’s aunts. 

Mr. Gaga’s aunts and mother typically spend 11 hours a day drinking coffee, smoking cigarettes and playing scrabble, so there’s lots of time to chat.

When it's not their turn - they have time to chat and dole out parenting tips.....

“I just feel like I clean one room, then I go to the next room and clean that, and then when I go back to the first room it’s dirty again.  I can’t ever get anything done, my house is perpetually trashed…it’s impossible.”

Aunt Cathy looked at me and said in her raspy voice :

“You know I used to be like you – and I used to drive myself crazy keeping the house clean.  One day I was cleaning the curtains and my sisters called me to see if I would meet them at the park with kids.  I told them that I had planned to clean the curtains and I couldn’t make it. ”

They said “Cath – your kids will remember that you took them to the park – they won’t remember how clean your curtains are.”

Aunt Cathy took a deep drag from her cigarette and exhaled a huge cloud of smoke and stared at me….”I never cleaned again.”

And sadly for Mr. Gaga and my kids- after Aunt Cathy told me that story I never cleaned again either. ( Thanks Aunt Cathy – when you explained to me how unimportant cleaning was – that was the best day of my life!!!)

Well – I mean basic cleaning if I can; and I clean my toilets daily because I have two boys that seem to squirt pee everywhere except inside the actual toilet.

So – essential cleaning – but never will I stay in the house on a nice day when I could bring Sam to the park or skip a playdate or a trip to the library.

Cleaning is really not my cup of tea. 

My brother (who happens to have a cleaning lady, and a relative who comes over and has been known to clean the inside of their refrigerator and do their laundry!!!!  and has one magical baby that doesn’t make a mess and is only in the house a few hours a day) – finds my lack of cleaning offensive.

A couple of weeks ago I asked him why he thought he was a better parent than I was.

“Well – I guess because I care more about living in a clean environment than you do…” he said.

“Shut up!! What’s dirty in my environment?” I yelled.

“Well your toilets for one….”

“I CLEAN MY TOILETS LIKE EVERYDAY!!!! You don’t understand my life.”

But it got me thinking….maybe he’s on to something….having other people clean his house and then taking the credit for it and judging other people’s dirty homes.

I have been working a lot lately – I am not really technically a “stay-at-home” mom all the time any more……

I pretty much went back to work …..and I FORGOT TO REHIRE THE CLEANING LADY!!!!!

O.M.G.

What an idiot I am –  I have to find a cleaning lady!! I can totally carve out some money out of my budget for this important service!!

It’s only fair to the kids and Mr. Gaga that they live in a clean home, and fair to me that I not spend every minute of my life scrubbing a toilet.

I was thinking about it on my way home from work yesterday. 

I thought – well I will definitely get a cleaning lady at least every two weeks.  That will only be about $150.00 a month, and well worth it. 

We have no big expenses coming up – Sam is almost done with preschool – HOLLA!!!!! and so it seems like it should be fine to spend money on this…….

But then again – I could hold off for a little while and if I save the $150.00 a month for three months that could go towards a dose of Botox which is badly needed or a pair of really nice shoes…..hhhmmmm…

I could feel my foot sliding into these already.....It's about time I treat myself - I deserve it!!

I was mulling this over as I pulled into the driveway……

I went around back to talk to Mr. Gaga about my great new plan – and to say hi to the kids who are usually playing on their swing set. 

This is the scene I was expecting to see:

The inside of my house may be a bit messy - but my kids and my grass and my sky are definitely this perfect!!!

 But instead I found this……..

I ran inside.

“Ummmm…..what is going on outside??” I demanded of Mr. Gaga.

“Oh – yeah – that…..Well it seems that the wood was rotted and the whole thing snapped while the kids were swinging. So I had to take the whole thing apart.” he calmly answered. “I guess we will have to get a new one.”

“A new one? A good swing set is like $3000!!! ” I whined.

“I know – it sucks.” he replied.

“But I want shoes!!!” I cried.

He rolled his eyes.  “I was just so happy that nobody was hurt, that could have been really bad – the whole upper beam just snapped.” he said shaking his head with worry.

“Yeah, yeah – that’s totally scary……I need new sunglasses too by the way….and shoes…….and a cleaning lady……” I whimpered and threw myself on the couch.

“What if God forbid someone else’s kids were here and they got hurt?” he asked.

“I don’t want someone else’s kids here – I want a cleaning lady, and shoes!!!”  he left the room disinterested in my antics.

I turned to the kids who were watching Spongebob.

“Children – are you upset about the swing set?”

“Yes – but Daddy said you would get us a new one,” said Michael not taking his eyes off of the screen.

“What if you could have a clean house but no swing set?” I asked nonchalantly, “Which would you pick?”

“Swings!” they both answered.

“UUGGGHH” I leaned back on the couch and stared at the ceiling…….and noticed the cobwebs in the corner of the room……

So when do I ever get to have a clean house or a beautiful shoe on my foot??

WHEN AUNT CATHY??? WHEN?????

I know you probably don’t feel bad for me because I don’t have a new $600 pair of Gucci sandals…..but for the love of God did you see that broken swing set????? Please click the banner below to make me feel better 😉 XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Work…the Guilty Pleasure


“Sam was crying today when you didn’t pick him up 😦 “ Text from fellow preschool mother

“Go in my room and get my wallet …. I will give you some money so you can go get milk.” Disgruntled and thirsty 4-year-old

“Sam was so happy today that one of his actual parents picked him up.” Mr. Gaga after he left work to pick Sam up from school

“Mom – you need to buy me new underwear.” disgruntled 6-year-old.

“No – I don’t – I just have to do laundry.” Lady Goo Goo Gaga

“Well we know that’s never going to happen.” disgruntled and naked 6-year-old

These are just some of the pit-in-the-stomach inducing comments I received during the past 2 months while I took on a project for work that had me working essentially full-time.

I juggled, I asked for favors, I bribed babysitters, I got more to-go food, and in the end it worked out……kind of.

I decided to take on the extra hours for a few reasons.

#1 – Money.  Money is good – especially at the holidays. When I am home wiping butts and vacuuming legos – I actually don’t get paid….go figure.

#2 – So I miss a few soccer games where kids are kicking the ball into the wrong net – and birthday parties at Chuck E. Cheese……GOOD!!!!

#3 – I have been home – cooking and cleaning and caring for 6 years.  If I have to empty the dishwasher or fold a fitted sheet one more time I am going to gouge out my eyeballs.

#4 – These people aren’t babies….how much do they really need me?

Um…apparently very much.

They cry.

They tell strangers and other mothers, “I’m sad because I miss my Mommy.”

Can you believe it?

Like it’s not stressful enough – I have to hear something so heartbreaking, and then feel like I have to explain my absence to the stranger or preschool mom that they are pouring their hearts out to.

Plus – I can’t really argue  – they are right to miss me.

I have missed practices, Christmas tree parties, dinners, bed-times, games, and birthday parties (THANK YOU JESUS FOR SILVER LININGS.)

I have been tired, frazzled and sad.

Also – of course when I am not working – I have to be spending time with the kids and Mr. Gaga, or catching up on my chores, so any “me” time was out the window.

Not that I would have done anything too leisurely with my spare time – but I basically didn’t even have time to get a manicure or a wax.

It’s hard when your kids are crying that they miss you, the laundry is to the ceiling and there’s no milk  – to make time for your moustache.

It seems downright selfish to think about trivial things like your appearance.

This is me making a quick run to the grocery store....with blatant disregard for my moustache or my camel toe......

Work is slowing down a bit now – so I can go back to my duties as driver, laundress and milk supplier.

Aside from the dreariness of housework – there are some perks.

Let’s be honest.

I can work out.

I can have a coffee in the morning while I check emails or watch Kelly Ripa if I want to.

I can work on projects around the house, I can shop, I can pick a recipe and cook it for dinner- instead of throwing chicken nuggets and carrots sticks at everyone and running out the door.

I can read a book to my children and kiss them goodnight.

Even though I complain  – it’s quite nice being a stay-at-home mom in some ways.

(I will change my mind in about 3 days – Stay tuned next week when I get a full-time job as a garbage man just to escape.)

The fact is – the grass is always greener and it’s never perfect.

One day mothers will come together and say “You know what – motherhood is hard, whether you are home or working.”

Whether I go to work while your home sipping a mimosa watching Kathie Lee and Hoda Kotb or I’m sipping a latte at my desk and you are home scrubbing the toilet…..it’s a struggle.

If you say it’s not…..you are lying to yourself and others….

There – I said it.

SINCE I AM SO HONEST AND TELL IT LIKE IT IS IN A FUNNY DELIGHTFUL WAY THAT INCLUDES FUNNY TOM SELLECK PHOTOS ……CLICK THE BANNER BELOW PLEASE!!!

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