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Category Archives: beach

The Sunday of Summer


The end of summer is coming.

I can smell it in the air.  As my favorite season threatens to come to a close, I find myself waking earlier than I should each morning in a panic.  I have begun to think about the start of school and I have started to worry about things that I haven’t worried about since June.

august

I have one more week of freedom so I am going to FORCE myself to continue to enjoy the summer and to ignore those worries that are starting to creep into my subconscious.  I will ignore the mental list I have begun to make regarding school supplies, after school activities and birthday parties that I need to RSVP for.

In order to preserve my mental health I am going to continue to enjoy all of the stuff that I have been loving and obsessing over this summer which include but are not limited to the following:

#1 The Ice Bucket Challenge: – This is just sheer genius.  The National ALS Foundation stated that it has raised ten million dollars in the past two weeks!!!  It’s fun and it’s for a good cause.

Also, as a side note those people whose pictures you stalk on Facebook have now come to life.  Now you can watch and hear someone who you haven’t seen in twenty-five years.  You can listen to their voice and watch them interact with their kids and most of all you can watch them get drenched with ice water.  What is not to love about this?

#2 – Paddle Board – I desperately wanted to get a paddleboard for myself so I could pretend I was Cameron Diaz for the kids.  My father surprised us for Christmas with one and it is the best beach activity ever.  It provides endless fun for the children and even though in my mind I look like a svelte celebrity straight out of the pages of US Weekly, in fact I look like this – most of the time:

kimk

I don’t really care.  I love it.

#3 – Summer reading: Is there anything better than getting off of your paddle board and plopping down into your beach chair and reading books about people in beach houses and summer homes filled with scandal??  No there’s not.

These two books brought me great joy this summer:

 

pool liars

 

#4 – Game of Crowns:    After a long day of ignoring my children, pretending I am a celebrity paddle boarding in Maui, and reading about imaginary people in their summer homes, I just really need something relaxing at night.  This is why I have been thoroughly enjoying the new show on Bravo, Game of Crowns.

This show features married women who compete in pageants.  One of the stars of the show is the former Mrs. Connecticut and Mrs. America.

I like to watch this show and imagine what I would do if I was Mrs. America or Mrs. Connecticut.

The real Mrs. America is very sweet and down-to-earth and is a mother to four children.

She doesn't let the sash or crown go to her head...But I am not so sure I would be able to stay grounded.

She doesn’t let the sash or crown go to her head…But I am not so sure I would be able to stay grounded.  I would totally wear this outfit to the PTO Meeting at my kids’ school.

I wouldn’t love doing those pageants.

I wouldn’t love not eating anything so I could fit into my swimsuit.

I wouldn’t love being friends with other lunatic pageant women.

What I would love is just announcing to people that I was Mrs. America.

If Mr. Gaga asked me if I washed his underwear, I could just say “No – sorry – I am Mrs. America and Mrs. America doesn’t do laundry.”

Moms who call for playdates would be told that “Because I am Mrs. America I really don’t have time for playdates.”

Birthday party invites could go directly in the garbage…”Sorry – since I am Mrs. America I have very important work to do on Saturdays and Sundays for America and my kids will be with me…”

Even when my own kids asked me for shit I could say “Do you know who I am?? I am MRS. AMERICA!” Go outside and don’t come back until dinner time.”

Those baseball games that I don’t watch.  Nobody could accuse me of being a bad mother because I would simply explain to them that as MRS. AMERICA I had very important America stuff to do that required me to miss the games completely.

Oh it would be glorious.

#5 – Baked Potato Salad and Grilled Cheese:

When I’m not reading, fantasizing about pageants, or floating out to sea on the paddleboard, I am generally drinking alcoholic beverages or eating food.  This summer we have made lots of delicious foods but a couple of dishes have stood out.

This potato salad is made with baked potatoes, chives, sour cream, cheddar cheese and bacon.

I mean I don’t know what else I can say about it except that it is basically heaven on a fork (and I don’t even like potatoes.)

potatoes

And then there’s this tomato, basil and mozzarella grilled cheese that I have made like three times this summer….I mean I just can’t get enough.

caprese

And then there’s the s’mores brownies….

smores

These recipes can otherwise be known as “Reasons why I am NOT Mrs. America” – but I am going to continue this life of bliss and peace for one more week……

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME – EVEN IF I AM NOT THE REAL MRS. AMERICA I AM AT LEAST THE FUNNIEST! MOM IN AMERICA

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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The best playdate ever….


Mr. Gaga is a birthday party lover.

He feels that our children should attend every party that they are invited to for fear that the birthday child in question will not have a nice birthday due to low party attendance.

Therefore, as I have mentioned before, while I repeatedly attempt to destroy birthday party invitations by lighting them on fire or flushing them down the toilet – he will always catch me and insist that we RSVP “Yes” to every party.

Sometimes if I am feeling charitable I stick the invites in my old wine bottles and send them out to sea so some other poor soul can enjoy them...

Sometimes if I am feeling charitable I stick the invites in my old wine bottles and send them out to sea so some other poor soul can enjoy them…

When Sam received an invite for the day after the last day of school I just didn’t think that we could commit to that.   The child was not really a good friend of Sam’s so I didn’t feel obligated.  We didn’t know the parents so I had no problem throwing the invite in the garbage. The day after the last day of school we are usually running around going to social engagements or going to the beach for the weekend, anyways.

Mr. Gaga wouldn’t hear of it.   I had to work during the day, and I asked Mr. Gaga if he really was going to feel like bringing Sam to a party on a Friday evening at 5 PM.  He confirmed that he would definitely be available for that.

That day I came home around 7 PM.   Just the time that the party was set to be over.

Mr. Gaga, Michael and Sam were lounging around watching television and the gift was sitting in front of the door where I had left it in the morning.

“Um, what happened with the party?”  I asked.

They all looked at me with a shocked look.  Mr. Gaga jumped up in despair.

“Oh my God! I totally forgot! We were relaxing and we totally forgot!” he said hysterically.

Because I am tortured by Mr. Gaga I had visions of the child alone surrounded by balloons and cake with no friends at his party.  What if nobody could attend and he was counting on Sam to be there? Sam is beloved by the children in his class and many mothers have exclaimed to me that Sam is their child’s “best friend!” when we don’t even know who they are.

What if this was one of those kids that loves Sam and wanted him to be there?

We were horrible people!!

We destroyed his birthday!

We possibly destroyed his life!!

sad

I launched into action and ran into the basement to explore my shelf filled with toys and gifts that we never opened.  I keep this shelf readily available for this type of occasion when an emergency gift is needed.

I cleared off the shelf and frantically started wrapping gifts.

I ran upstairs with all of the gifts and grabbed the original gift and urged Sam to get his shoes on.  I googled the boy’s name and address.

“Come on, we will bring his gift to his house and apologize.” I told Sam.

We loaded the gifts into the car and peeled out of the driveway.

When we pulled up to the address it looked as though nobody was home.

“Oh good – we will just leave a note with the gifts,” I told Sam as we got out of the car and he rang the doorbell.

Lo and behold the family was home.

“No worries!” the mother exclaimed when I apologized profusely as I shoved gifts into her foyer.

“No – we are so sorry! We feel horrible!!” I said emphatically as I placed the gifts at the little boys feet.

“Don’t be silly!” she said nicely as she looked at the pile of gifts, “and we don’t need all of these gifts.”

Gift boxes-110

 

“Oh no – these were his gifts anyways.” I said casually.

“No really – we can’t take all of these gifts.” she pleaded.

“No – don’t be crazy!  These were totally his gifts!!” I said as I turned to leave.

And just when I was just about in the clear…

“So maybe we can do a playdate this summer!” she called after me.

Normally I find myself maneuvering ways out of these torture hours playdates – but this time I had an excuse.

“Oh sorry – we will be at the Connecticut shore for the summer,” I said softly pretending to be disappointed.

“So will we!” she exclaimed.  “We will be there for two weeks! We can get together down there!”

Oh Lord – why is that when I do a good deed of showering a small child with millions of presents am I punished????

“Ok – definitely contact me when you are there!” I said cheerfully, ushering Sam out the door.

I thought nothing of it – because clearly what kind of sadomasochistic maniac would really remember on their family vacation to schedule a playdate with a perfect stranger who forgot your child’s birthday?

Then I received an email with the subject line “BEACH PLAYDATE.”

She was asking if we could schedule a playdate on the beach.  I quickly shot that down because I don’t like a playdate on the grass or on the floors of my home – so I sure as hell don’t like one on the fucking sandy beach where I can be relaxing and enjoying life.

“How about we meet at the carousel and ice cream shop tomorrow night?” I wrote back kindly.

I had plans to go to an early dinner with some family and I could head to the carousel for ice cream after that.  She agreed to the plan.

The next day was a perfect ten.

I was supposed to leave for dinner at 5 and I was regretting my decision.  I wanted to stay on the beach until the last possible minute.  Thankfully we were just going to a lobster roll shack, so at 4:40 I headed home to grab my wallet and threw a sundress on over my bathing suit.

After dinner I rushed back home.  I got home at 6:40 and was supposed to meet these people at the carousel at 7.  I quickly showered, got dressed and pulled into the carousel at 6:58!

I was very proud of myself.  I had gotten ready very quickly and also I was a very good person for agreeing to this.  I knew that this little boy would be happy to see Sam and the mother would forgive me for missing her child’s birthday so it was all worth it.  My good works and efforts would make everybody happy.

I was the best mother and person in the land.

We stood in front of the carousel watching the horses go around, waiting for the family.

After a few minutes the kids started to whine.  “Where are they Mom?” Sam asked excitedly.

“I’m sure they will be here in a minute,” I answered distractedly looking at the street watching cars pull in.

After a few more minutes I asked the kids if they wanted to get ice cream while we waited.  They said they wanted to wait for Sam’s friend.

I glanced up at the clock outside the ice cream shop.

7_30

 

I stared at it and said to the kids, “Maybe they forgot….” and as the words came out of my mouth I realized those were the very words that this mother must have told her son when Sam didn’t show up for his party.

I looked at the kids slack-jawed. “Oh…..my….God.”

“What mom? Do you think they’re coming?” Sam asked excitedly.

“Nope, they definitely are NOT coming, Sam.” I answered definitively.

And I was right.  They never showed up.

I let the kids get their ice cream and go on the carousel a few times and then we headed home.

I checked my email and what do you know – I had a cheerful email saying that “We totally forgot! Hope we can reschedule!”

Oh we will reschedule all right.

We have set up a new date for next week, but two can play at this game.

I may or may not show up.

Now this could be my new favorite type of playdate…..the one that never happens!

CLEARLY I AM A VERY GOOD PERSON THAT SHOWERS STRANGE CHILDREN WITH GIFTS…PLEASE VOTE FOR ME BY CLICKING THE BANNER BELOW!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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More Beach Rules….


Despite the fact that I actually dedicated a blog post to outlining all of the reasons a person should not invite me to their function on a sunny summer day, I just returned from a confirmation party.

Since everyone seemed to enjoy last week’s Beach Rules – I thought it best to take this time to do a quick reminder of last season’s

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I DON’T WANT TO EXPERIENCE AT THE BEACH:

1 – SPRAY SPF – As soon as I sat down I was met with a gust of wind carrying someone’s SPF 50.  Listen everybody – the spray sunscreens don’t work.  They spray the person behind you. Period, end of story.  For those parents that think they are doing a great job by “spraying their kids with SPF” – you are not.  Stop being lazy and stupid – suck it up and rub lotion on your dang kids, so I don’t end up with Water Babies SPF 50 in my mouth.

2 – BAD TATTOOS – I looked up from my book this afternoon for a second and saw the most god-awful tattoo.  I understand that everyone isn’t classy like Lady Goo Goo Gaga who has a chinese symbol “tramp stamp” from the 90’s – but really?

So let me get this straight...You love smiley faces so much that you turned one into an Aerosmith symbol and inked it in the middle of your back?

So let me get this straight…You love smiley faces so much that you turned one into an Aerosmith symbol and inked it in the middle of your back?

We get it – we all have had bad nights where we get blacked-out drunk and make poor choices, but have you heard of a racer back tankini? Cover that shit up.

3 -BEACH ETIQUETTE OFFENDERS: I understand the importance of good beach real estate on a sunny Sunday morning.  This is why I wake up on the early side and tell Mr. Gaga he has to go set up “our spot” with 6 beach chairs, an umbrella, towels and all other beach necessities.  (Since he’s a great guy – he does it for me.)

After such great organization and efforts from the GAGA household to secure our area – there’s nothing more annoying to arrive at the beach a few hours later to find that people have set up camp mere inches away from our stuff.

Give me some space!! If you decide to sleep in – guess what you are at the back of the beach.  Don’t just drop your shit on top of mine.  Have some proper beach etiquette!

4 – POOR PREPARATION: – Parents need to bring what their children need to the beach.  I would love nothing more than to grab a towel, a magazine and a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic SPF 4 Dry oil and head to the beach like I did in my youth.

Those days are over because I have children.  So instead,  I bring a huge “Wonder Wheeler 2000” overflowing with toys and then I make the kids carry their huge surfboards and inflatables to ensure they have what they need to be thoroughly entertained.

See how hard my kids are working to bring their stuff to the beach? They aren't working so hard so that you can bring nothing for your kids and then they can just play with all of our stuff.....

See how hard my kids are working to bring their stuff to the beach? They aren’t working so hard so that you can bring nothing for your kids and then they can just play with all of our stuff…..

 

5 – CHILDREN WHO SAY “I’m Bored.”

So after working so hard to ensure that there are a million toys and inflatable items available for the children, not to mention a huge ocean and endless amounts of sand – there’s nothing more infuriating than whiney annoying children coming up to me while I am trying to relax, and telling me “They are bored.”

See the lady in the corner...that's me and the whiney rotten kids next to her are saying they are bored....

See the lady in the corner…that’s me and the whiney rotten kids next to her are saying they are bored….

I see red.

“You’re bored? Do you know there are children in Kansas that have never even seen a beach?”

“Yeesss,” they say emotionlessly.

“Then don’t say that to me again.”

“We just don’t know what to do!” Michael whines.

“Oh – Ok, then where’s a safety pin,” I say getting up from my chair, “I’ll just pop all these tubes and rafts since you don’t like them anymore.”

“Noo!!!” they will scream making their way back towards the water.

When I get to the beach I am literally dripping with sweat and my arms are about to break off of my body.

DO NOT tell me you are bored.

6 -BEACHED WHALES: This is a strange phenomenon that I notice time and again.  Young overweight people lay down at the edge of the water and let the waves crash on to them like they are beached whales.  It’s sad because they aren’t playing with other children and they seem like they like the water to crash on to their whale-like bodies and wash their troubles away. I want to go to them and say “Get up!! Swim a lap or two!!! This is how you got into this beached whale situation in the first place!!”

7 – INAPPROPRIATE BEACH ATTIRE – We all know that Speedos are unacceptable.  Another offense is men who come to the beach with socks on.  Worse than either of those to me is the “Swim-shirt wearing Dad.”

Listen dude – they have invented SPF 70 for Christ’s sakes – there’s no need for this SPF shirt.  It’s weird. It’s not flattering. It screams “nerd.” That goes for the women offenders as well.

Look at these two.  Nobody should ever look like this in public.  It's just rude.

Look at these two. Nobody should ever look like this in public. It’s just rude.

8 – Jellyfish Criers – I include my kids in this category.  Michael came crying to me today for the first of many jellyfish stings this summer.  You know how I feel about unnecessary crying.  I peered over my US Weekly and looked at his arm, where the sting was.

“Go rub wet sand on it.” I said casually, and attempted to go back to my Tom Kat article.

“NNOOOO!!! ITT HUUUURRRTTTSS!!” he wailed.  I threw my magazine in my bag with disgust and played along with his issues.

Look – it’s the Long Island Sound people.  This is not JAWS.  It’s not even Florida where there are actual “man o wars.”

Suck it up and stop crying.

9 – Small boys with “Man boobs” – I know that childhood obesity is an issue in this country – but today I witnessed a new level of neglect.  Two boys were playing in the water that were approximately 10 or 11 and they both had full breasts.  It wasn’t just a little bit of excess fat.  Apparently high fructose corn syrup + hours of inactivity and video games + hormones in our food = a need for a bikini top.

The poor kids are not to blame – yet again it’s the parents who allow their young boys to walk around with a pair of tits the size of Texas.

10 –PEOPLE WHO BREAK MORE THAN ONE RULE AT A TIME:

There are some people who are multiple offenders and this is just too much.  These people should invest in a backyard pool and stay away from the beach.

Here is an example of someone showing us their ugly tattoos, speedo and man boobs.  The person to the right just sprayed him with SPF 30 and it all went right back into her face.

Here is an example of someone showing us their ugly tattoos, speedo and man boobs. The person to the right just sprayed him with SPF 30 and it all went right back into her face.

None of the things on this list will ever deter me from actually going to the beach of course!!! But just love to share and vent!! PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR THIS BLOG!!

Beach Rules 2013 Edition


People’s behaviors never cease to amaze me. On the beach, and in beach communities there are certain unspoken rules.

I thought I should review a few:

1 – Jellyfish are assholes:

They are a menace to society.  They ruin perfectly good swimming time.

They sting small children and send them screaming to their mothers.

Apparently everyone didn’t get the “jellyfish are motherfuckers” memo.

The other day the kids scooped a jellyfish out of the water, dug a hole and were about to dump it in and cover it with sand.  A woman stopped them and said “Why would you a murder an animal for no reason?”

After I got done rolling on the ground laughing, I took a huge scoop of dirt and threw it on the jellyfish.  Have all humans lost their minds?

I’m sorry did I miss something here? Aren’t jellyfish just lazy blobs of shit that float around waiting for one of their asshole tentacles to brush against someone and ruin his or her day?

Jellyfish are assholes, and so are you if you are trying to save them.

See, now this guy and I would not get along.  I think there is something wrong with a person that enjoys jellyfish.  If I could name this picture I would name this picture "Two Assholes."

See, now this guy and I would not get along. I think there is something wrong with a person that enjoys jellyfish. If I could name this picture I would call it “Two Assholes.”

2 – Urine belongs in the ocean:

I was watching my 3-year-old niece on the beach the other day and she announced just as I was settling into my beach chair that she needed to go back to the house to use the potty.

“No, no when you are with Auntie, the ocean is your potty,” I explained.

“No.” she said staring at me blankly. After much talking and going back and forth to the water, Mr. Gaga got her to do it. Thank God.

Unless there is diarrhea threatening- I am not leaving the beach.

3 – Groom:

I have mentioned my moustache before, so I know what it’s like to keep up with a never-ending growth of hair in unwanted areas.  It is simply imperative that one waxes or trims areas where hair is growing in an out-of-control way that could make a person appear like a bear or gorilla on the beach.

Sam accidentally bumped into this guy and when he came out of the water I had to roll a huge lint roller to get all of the pubes off his bathing suit....

Sam accidentally bumped into this guy and when he came out of the water I had to roll a huge lint roller over him to get all of the pubes off his bathing suit….

Even if you are fine with wearing a pube sweater to the beach, you should consider how you might affect others.

4 – Sandcastles are valuable real estate owned by others:

This is pretty serious business.  When your child works diligently for an hour creating a sand masterpiece and some toddler comes over and eats it or sits on it, that’s considered very rude.

You need to watch your kids and teach them at an early age that they are not allowed to touch other people’s sand structures…It’s basic beach etiquette.

5 – Sand toys are for sharing:

Please don’t come stare me down while I am trying to read US Weekly and ask me if my kids are using your shovel. Um, yeah probably…and who fucking cares?

They probably took it because we have the same shovel as you, and so do the other 500 people on this beach.

Just so you know these are 45 for $1 at any store...please stop talking about where your shovel is....

Just so you know these are 15 for $1 at any store…please stop talking about where your shovel is….

If you care this much about your shovel, please don’t sit near me. We will definitely take it and could very possibly break it or send it out to sea.  I don’t need this kind of pressure.

6 – Watch your kids, no matter their age:

Believe me I get the whole thing about ignoring your kids once they can swim, it’s like my favorite thing to do.  However, when your kids are a little older you have to start watching them a little more.

Although you don’t have to worry that they will drown, you do have to worry that they are huge douche-bags.

The other day, my boys were playing with their blow up jet ski raft and their boogie boards with a friend.  Shortly, 2 ten-year-olds came and hijacked the float, tossing the boys into the water and hopping on.  The kids struggled to pull the older kids off.  I was watching this from my beach chair, when suddenly one of the older kids smashed Sam in the face with the boogie board.

These were the kids, happy and content before they were bullied on the seas....

These were the kids, happy and content before they were bullied on the high seas….

I ran into the water, “Are you insane?” I yelled at the devil child as I ripped the boogie board from his hand.

“Why would you hit a 5 year-old in the face? What’s wrong with you?” I hissed.

“He was tackling me…” he said meekly. “He was tackling you because you took his stuff.” I said between gritted teeth.

“What’s going on here?” I heard then.

I looked up and realized that the devil child’s mother was in the water like a foot away and had allowed this whole thing to go down.

“The problem is that your son smashed my son in the face with a boogie board.” I said.

“Oh.” she responded.

I stormed away.

“Oh?”  That’s what you say when your child is complete dick?

How about “Sorry about that, my kid is a total asshole and I am going to speak to him about it.” or how about “I am sorry that I stood just inches away and watched my son smash your son’s face in, I am on some heavy-duty tranquilizers and I cannot respond appropriately.” Either of those would do.

7 – Don’t bring the Ferrari :

Basically the kids deposit large amounts of sand and seaweed and wet shit in and on every inch of my car for the two months when we spend time at the beach.

They lean up on the outside of the car creating areas where their SPF 50 smears onto the paint never to be removed again.  Salt and dust eat away at the undercarriage and rots the paint.

When the cars aren’t at the beach parking lot, they are parked in tiny driveways of beach houses that are basically on the street. Imagine my surprise when a day after the douchebag jet ski pirate hit Sam, his (biggest nerd in America) father marched up our driveway.

I braced myself for what this idiot was going to say.

He said that “someone” saw my kids playing in the street and their wagon hit his minivan and left a mark.

He was clearly trying to get me back for calling his kid out on his bad behavior. I was speechless. What should we do about this nerd boy? I apologized like a civilized human but on the inside I was ready to explode.

As he showed me the miniscule mark on his Windstar, I contemplated just kicking him in the balls and walking away, but I thought the kids might get upset....

As he showed me the miniscule mark on his Windstar, I contemplated just kicking him in the balls and walking away, but I thought the kids might get upset….

If you care this much about your Lamborghini  mini-van perhaps the beach isn’t a great place for it, you fucking loser, and please never speak to me again unless someone is on fire.

8 – Umbrella Etiquette:

I can’t figure out if it’s global warming or my skin is just old and literally weathered, but I cannot just sit out and bake like I used to.

I recently have sat under an umbrella for the first time in my decades of beach bathing. As a result, apparently I don’t know how to install a beach umbrella.

I just kind of stuck it in the sand while preparing for my BF to come meet me the other day.

Right when she arrived the umbrella flew with a gust of wind and impaled 50 people.  Thankfully, she is an expert at getting people to do things for her, and happens to have strong resemblance to Kim Kardashian.

She retrieved the umbrella from two men that were sitting with their kids.  They handed her the umbrella, and she took it gingerly and just stared blankly at them.

“What should I do now?” she asked.  “I don’t know how to do this…”

In two seconds flat, both men were digging a huge hole and expertly securing the umbrella. Unfortunately this can’t happen everyday.  It’s imperative to know how to work the umbrella as to not murder innocent victims.

9 – Use an umbrella not a small shelter :

So if you want shade, then the umbrella is the obvious choice.  If you decide to install a nylon shelter that can house 35 people, then maybe the beach is not for you.

Now my view is blocked completely and I can’t even see my kids if they are drowning because you have decided to put up an event tent at the beach for you and the two other people in your family.

Ok so basically the rule is, if you can host a small graduation party under the tent, it's too big for the beach....

Ok so basically the rule is, if you can host a small graduation party under the tent, it’s too big for the beach….

10 – If you see Lady Goo Goo Gaga on the beach, keep it moving:

In closing, I just want to relax.  The winters are long here in Connecticut.

I have very few precious days that I can spend luxuriously on the beach.

Don’t torture my kids, don’t tell my kids not to kill animals, don’t ask me about sand toys or tell me you have to pee.

Let’s keep all this talking to a minimum. I am TRYING to get through one issue of US WEEKLY!! HAPPY SUMMER !  PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA 150-tmb

Sorry…I can’t make it


I just knew I wasn’t the only one to hate Caillou!!!   Thanks for all of the reading and sharing last week!!

This weekend kicks off summer, my favorite season.  When you live in Alaska Connecticut, where essentially we have winter from October to June (9 months for anyone who’s counting) the summer days are precious.

I want to spend every moment I can basking in the sunshine.  What I don’t want to do is attend annoying functions to celebrate milestones that may or may not warrant celebrating in the middle of a summer day.

I call these types of functions that cut into my beach time, “sun-wasters.”

Since Mr. Gaga and I have large families and we are both very entertaining people, the invitations just keep pouring in.

Here are some summer functions that I don’t want to get off the beach for…

Your kid’s birthday party in the yard:  My friend Martha was the worst offender of this a couple of years ago.  When I can be at a beach or a pool the last thing I want to do is be in your yard with hot sticky children in a bounce house with face paint dripping down their sweaty faces.

Ironically enough I plan to have Sam’s birthday party in my yard on Friday.

Oopsie...At least I will serve alcohol to the parents to lessen the blow....

Oopsie…At least I will serve alcohol to the parents to lessen the blow….

Somehow even though Sam’s birthday is in May..it always ends up being the hottest day of the year.

Last year, Mr. Gaga wasn't feeling well and swore he would never attend one of Sam's backyard parties again....

Last year, Mr. Gaga wasn’t feeling well and swore he would never attend one of Sam’s backyard parties again….

Kid’s birthday party when it’s not their birthday: People around here just throw birthday parties when it suits them.  Your kid’s birthday is in January but he likes bounce houses? Pretend his birthday is in August and make everyone stop enjoying the beach so that they can be tortured in your yard!

You are moving away and your kid’s birthday is in December? Have the party in the summer before you leave!!

No …I am very sorry people but that’s not how it works.  And if you have a party on the kid’s fake birthday, don’t even think of inviting us again on the real birthday.  How many presents do you think I am going to buy for your kid?

Graduation parties:   I have no problem celebrating someone graduating from college or highschool.  This is no small feat.  However, the commencement for most colleges are in May, high schools are the end of June.  You have until July 4th to wrap this up.   Don’t come knocking on my door in August talking about someone graduating….the ship has sailed my friend.

Reunions: Remember last year when we went to the weeklong reunion of sorts with Mr. Gaga’s family at the “Dirty Dancing” facility?  At least there was a pool there for god sakes.

As I mentioned earlier, we have all 9 months of winter to get together and drink and take trips down memory lane.  I’m not interested in doing that in the sweltering heat with no visible sign of a body of water.

There’s nothing worse than going to some weird picnic with people who you barely know.  To be surrounded by pot luck mayonnaise filled salads and people playing badminton in someone’s hot backyard is just not my cup of tea.

Invite me to meet at a bar in the fall, I will be there with bells on.

Engagement party:  Once we have a close friend or family member get engaged we all know that we are into this blessed occasion from anywhere from $500 to $2000.  Between the showers, bachelor parties, hotels, dresses, gifts, etc. you have to take out a second mortgage.

That being said – why do I have to kick off this money hemorrhage by giving you an engagement gift?

Especially since we are in our mid 30’s.  Just because you decided to stay single this long – don’t take it out on me.  I don’t need to watch you make out and profess your love to each other on a hot summer day….We will see you at the shower and the bachelor party and bachelorette party and the stag and the rehearsal and the wedding.  Really.  We don’t need to get off the beach for this.

Weddings on Holiday Weekends:  Have any of you ever been on the Interstate 95 in CT or NY? How was that experience? Was it enjoyable?

When I think of Satan at the fiery gates of hell, I envision the gates opening up to the I-95 somewhere around Stamford or the Bronx.

95 hell

If you venture onto this little interstate during the months of July and August on a summer weekend you might find yourself contemplating suicide.

If you add to this scenario July 4th or Labor Day, you would have to add 3 hours at least to reach your wedding destination in a timely manner.

It’s cruel and unusual punishment.

All I want to do is go to the beach, take an outdoor shower, enjoy some delightful summer cocktails, eat some grilled food items, eat smores, watch a firework and go to bed.

What I don’t want to do is drive on the I-95 for 10 hours, prespire excessively in some sweatbox of a church, watch you and your family do the macerena, miss the fireworks and get back on the I-95 for another five hours home in the morning.

Showers:   Whether it’s for your pending nuptials or the birth of your child, if the sun is shining I don’t want to be there.

kristen-wiig-as-annie-in-bridesmaids-2011

There’s a beach chair and an US Weekly calling my name and I don’t need to sit here oohing and ahhing while you unwrap 50 Boppy covers.  I also don’t want to play “bridal bingo”  while you open pans and tank tops that say “Sexy little bride.”

In Bridesmaid, Kristen Wiig fulfills my every dream when she punches this heart cookie at her best friend's bridal shower and then stabs the Eiffel Tower with a knife....

In the movie Bridesmaids, Kristen Wiig fulfills my every dream when she punches this heart cookie at her best friend’s bridal shower and then stabs the Eiffel Tower with a knife….

I don’t care to eat some sort of chicken marsala dinner in the middle of the day followed by cake and coffee like I am 85 years old.

There’s nothing worse than going to a shower at 11:30 am and rolling out at like   4 o’clock on a Sunday afternoon in the summer.  You are blinded by the light after being held prisoner for so long and you just have to go home and go to bed because the whole day is destroyed.

This is what I looked like after I left a shower last summer...It seemed like I hadn't seen the light of day in years....

This is what I looked like after I left a shower last summer…It was like I hadn’t seen the light of day in years….

In closing, don’t take offense when I don’t come to your event this summer.

It’s nothing personal, it’s just that I just have olive skin that needs some tanning…..

XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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A small retraction and more tales from the beach….


As a rule, I never really take back anything that I say.

For example, if I say Mr. Gaga is being a jerk at Christmas-time, no matter what he says – I won’t retract.

If I talk about how fat children in America are, and you all email me and message me to say that your children are svelte and Olympian-like, I won’t retract.

Now I have been blessed with a free delivery of Lunch Box Love Notes, which I first noticed (and made fun of) in my Pottery Barn Kids Catalogue.

In case you missed it – these are notes that Pottery Barn sells that you can put into your child’s bento box filled with daisy shaped sandwiches lunch box  – to tell him how awesome he is.

The woman behind this madness was kind enough to contact me to say that she thought my post was funny and she sent me some complimentary notes.

I am NOT RETRACTING…but……..

I might possibly use this note if we were having a rough patch with schoolwork….

That’s actually cute and I have to say that I could totally see my boys reading and laughing at this note:

So – I while I will NOT RETRACT my original sentiments regarding the Pottery Barn Kids Catalogue…I will say …I just might end up using these little notes.  I was thinking if any other mothers were at lunch and saw my kids pulling out these little love notes….they will possibly think I am the best mother in the world!!  Wouldn’t that be perfect??

Well played Judi, inventor of Lunch Box Love notes….well played.

Because of you, my children might inadvertently think I love them during their lunch period.

Good work.

In other news – yesterday was one of those beach days that dreams are made of.  I felt my youth as I hopped on a jet-ski with one of my best friends from growing up at the beach.  We screamed and laughed so hard as we fell off over and over again doing power-slides.  When we made our way off the beach at 5 o’clock we headed up to the house to shower and get ready for the night.  We spent the night back on the beach eating, drinking, dancing with a reggae band and ignoring our children.

Today was a different day.

First of all I woke up and could barely get out of bed.  Apparently, when you are old and weathered, going on a jet-ski for an hour is bad for you.

I had some work to do in the morning and then met my kids on the beach.  From the minute I got there until when we left they whined, complained and cried.  This behavior goes against my “Beach Rules.”

It reminded me of a post from last summer – that I thought I would reblog.  Just in case you think my life is all about reading US Weekly and riding Jet-ski’s ……..think again:

Originally Posted on August 14, 2011 by Lady Googoogaga

This has been a good summer.  Michael and Sam are very independent, they love camp, love swimming lessons, love the beach, and have lots of friends.  They don’t even like to sit with me on the beach and constantly ask to go hang out by the boardwalk – where they “play superheroes” and make friends.

I haven’t had days like these at the beach since I was in my early twenties.  I’ve been reading books and magazines, talking uninterrupted with friends, and sitting on my fat (and growing as we speak) ass more than I have in 6 years.

On top of this luxury, now that I don’t have babies or toddlers to give naps or dinner to – I can essentially stay at the beach as long as I want.  I can pull my chair down to the edge of the water – so the waves are licking at my feet and enjoy my book in the late afternoon, the best part of the day.

The sun burns a little less, the air is crisp, the water is gorgeous and the kids play in the waves while the sun starts its descent.  It was recently such an afternoon, on one of the most gorgeous days of the summer, when I got caught off guard.  I inadvertently was happy – and I should have known that was not possible.

My 5-year-old dropped his hermit crab at the edge of the water and before he could bend down to scoop it up – a wave came in and swept it away, and he went ballistic.  This wasn’t a complete sneak attack – I should have seen the signs:

Clue #1 – Red Cheeks =Perhaps a little too much in the sun department

Clue #2 – A day of whining = Perhaps one too many late nights – and a little tired

Clue #3 – I mentioned that I was momentarily happy right?

He burst into tears.

I peered at him over the top of my book.

“Michael this is nothing to cry about – go by the jetty and find a new one.” I said and went back to reading.

“No!!!” he screamed unreasonably, “I want that one!!!”

I tried to ignore him, but the whining and crying was getting worse. I read the same page 5 times.

“If you don’t stop crying and leave me alone right now – then we are leaving.” I threatened.

“NO!!! I’m not leaving!!” he screamed hysterically in my face.

Now at this point – any good mother with a head on her shoulders would pack up and leave, but not Lady Goo Goo Gaga.  I tried to read again. He wouldn’t shut up.

I gave one more ultimatum – which he failed miserably and I had no choice.  I threw my book down.

“That’s it….we’re leaving.” I started folding my chair.

This is when things really took a frightening turn.  I told him to start picking up his toys, and quickly realized this would never happen.  The devil doesn’t pick up sand toys.

Resigned I went to pick up buckets and towels and every step of the way I was body blocked by my possessed child.

I tried to remain calm.  I called out to poor innocent Sam who was floating on a tube catching some rays.

“Come on – we have to leave now!! Your brother is out of control!” I called out.

He graciously hopped off his tube and said “OK – Mama!”  I looked at him with joy and happiness for a quick moment and then turned back to Godzilla.

A toy boat was thrown and narrowly missed my ear, he took his brother’s tube and slammed it down as hard as he could and it bounced off the sand and rolled away.

I frantically filled up my beach cart and was almost ready to go.   The only thing left on the beach was the huge bucket of crabs leftover from crabbing earlier in the day.  Considering this all started from a lost crab – emptying the bucket was going to be dicey.

While he was momentarily distracted by two strangers, I was able to grab my flip flops and book.

“Dump out the bucket, Michael, it’s time to go.” I said calmly.

“NO!” he screamed hovering over the bucket with snot and tears running down his sunburned cheeks.  I quickly made a move to grab the bucket – at the same time as he did.   I tried to loosen his grip to no avail, and a tug of war ensued.

Anytime I got into position to dump the bucket – he would get in front of it so that I would have to throw a bucket of crabs directly at him (which surprisingly – I wasn’t comfortable with.)

I almost threw a bucket of crabs at him -but decided against it.

At this point – Sam hopped out of the water.

“Sam! Run for your life!!” I yelled while pulling furiously on the bucket, “I’ll meet you at the boardwalk!”

He scampered away – and I ripped the bucket out of Michael’s hands and dumped out mud and crabs like a maniac.

At one point he headed towards the water and mass chaos ensued….

I was dripping with sweat and my back and arms were killing me from the struggle.  Michael collapsed in a heap of tears and I threw the bucket in my cart and turned around to go…..at which point I thought I heard cheering.

Yes.

Witnesses to this debacle were cheering for me.  I looked up and saw a sea of horrified faces.

The beach was silent.

A seagull flew by.

The crabs made their way back to sea.

I stood there sandy and sweaty, staring back at all of the faces judging me.

I was mortified.  I headed up to the boardwalk.  Some kind woman called out – “Don’t worry – we have all been there!!”

Someone else shouted – “You have a lot of patience!!”

I was dying  and on the verge of tears myself.  Michael followed me all the way to the car crying and threatening not to come and of course it didn’t end until long after we were home.

I think I have neglected the schedules and good parenting for long enough – and it’s biting me in the ass.  This little brush with the devil was enough for me.

DON’T FORGET TO CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME FOR THE FUNNIEST AND MOST “PATIENT” MOTHER IN THE WORLD!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Linking to Mama Kat’s Writing Workshop

RULES OF THE BEACH


Thanks everyone for last week’s outpouring of anger and resentment towards the “Pottery Barn People,” it’s great to know that I am not the only one who finds their catalogue frustrating and disturbing!!

I was so looking forward to today – because I have been so busy that I haven’t had a chance to get fully into “beach mode.” Today was a perfect 10 weather-wise and I had nothing planned except relaxing and enjoying myself to the fullest.

I settled in to enjoy the day and was quickly derailed by numerous annoying human beings.

Here’s a quick review of the

TOP TEN THINGS THAT I DON’T WANT TO EXPERIENCE AT THE BEACH:

1 – SPRAY SPF – As soon as I sat down I was met with a gust of wind carrying someone’s SPF 50.  Listen everybody – the spray sunscreens don’t work.  They spray the person behind you. Period, end of story.  For those parents that think they are doing a great job by “spraying their kids with SPF” – you are not.  Stop being lazy and stupid – suck it up and rub lotion on your dang kids, so I don’t end up with Water Babies SPF 50 in my mouth.

2 – BAD TATTOOS – I looked up from my book this afternoon for a second and saw the most god-awful tattoo.  I understand that everyone isn’t classy like Lady Goo Goo Gaga who has a chinese symbol “tramp stamp” from the 90’s – but really?

So let me get this straight…You love smiley faces so much that you turned one into an Aerosmith symbol and inked it in the middle of your back?

We get it – we all have had bad nights where we get blacked-out drunk and make poor choices, but have you heard of a racer back tankini? Cover that shit up.

3 -BEACH ETIQUETTE OFFENDERS: I understand the importance of good beach real estate on a sunny Sunday morning.  This is why I wake up on the early side and tell Mr. Gaga he has to go set up “our spot” with 6 beach chairs, an umbrella, towels and all other beach necessities.  (Since he’s a great guy – he does it for me.)

After such great organization and efforts from the GAGA household to secure our area – there’s nothing more annoying to arrive at the beach a few hours later to find that people have set up camp mere inches away from our stuff.

Give me some space!! If you decide to sleep in – guess what you are at the back of the beach.  Don’t just drop your shit on top of mine.  Have some proper beach etiquette!

4 – POOR PREPARATION: – Parents need to bring what their children need to the beach.  I would love nothing more than to grab a towel, a magazine and a bottle of Hawaiian Tropic SPF 4 Dry oil and head to the beach like I did in my youth.

Those days are over because I have children.  So instead,  I bring a huge “Wonder Wheeler 2000” overflowing with toys and then I make the kids carry their huge surfboards and inflatables to ensure they have what they need to be thoroughly entertained.

See how hard my kids are working to bring their stuff to the beach? They aren’t working so hard so that you can bring nothing for your kids and then they can just play with all of our stuff…..

5 – CHILDREN WHO SAY “I’m Bored.”

So after working so hard to ensure that there are a million toys and inflatable items available for the children, not to mention a huge ocean and endless amounts of sand – there’s nothing more infuriating than whiney annoying children coming up to me while I am trying to relax, and telling me “They are bored.”

See the lady in the corner…that’s me and the whiney rotten kids next to her are saying they are bored….

I see red.

“You’re bored? Do you know there are children in Kansas that have never even seen a beach?”

“Yeesss,” they say emotionlessly.

“Then don’t say that to me again.”

“We just don’t know what to do!” Michael whines.

“Oh – Ok, then where’s a safety pin,” I say getting up from my chair, “I’ll just pop all these tubes and rafts since you don’t like them anymore.”

“Noo!!!” they will scream making their way back towards the water.

When I get to the beach I am literally dripping with sweat and my arms are about to break off of my body.

DO NOT tell me you are bored.

6 -BEACHED WHALES: This is a strange phenomenon that I notice time and again.  Young overweight people lay down at the edge of the water and let the waves crash on to them like they are beached whales.  It’s sad because they aren’t playing with other children and they seem like they like the water to crash on to their whale-like bodies and wash their troubles away. I want to go to them and say “Get up!! Swim a lap or two!!! This is how you got into this beached whale situation in the first place!!”

7 – INAPPROPRIATE BEACH ATTIRE – We all know that Speedos are unacceptable.  Another offense is men who come to the beach with socks on.  Worse than either of those to me is the “Swim-shirt wearing Dad.”

Listen dude – they have invented SPF 70 for Christ’s sakes – there’s no need for this SPF shirt.  It’s weird. It’s not flattering. It screams “nerd.” That goes for the women offenders as well.

Look at these two. Nobody should ever look like this in public. It’s just rude to the public, it’s not fair to our eyeballs.

8 – Jellyfish Criers – I include my kids in this category.  Michael came crying to me today for the first of many jellyfish stings this summer.  You know how I feel about unnecessary crying.  I peered over my US Weekly and looked at his arm, where the sting was.

“Go rub wet sand on it.” I said casually, and attempted to go back to my Tom Kat article.

“NNOOOO!!! ITT HUUUURRRTTTSS!!” he wailed.  I threw my magazine in my bag with disgust and played along with his issues.

Look – it’s the Long Island Sound people.  This is not JAWS.  It’s not even Florida where there are actual “man o wars.”

Suck it up and stop crying.

9 – Small boys with “Man boobs” – I know that childhood obesity is an issue in this country – but today I witnessed a new level of neglect.  Two boys were playing in the water that were approximately 10 or 11 and they both had full breasts.  It wasn’t just a little bit of excess fat.  Apparently high fructose corn syrup + hours of inactivity and video games + hormones in our food = a need for a bikini top.

The poor kids are not to blame – yet again it’s the parents who allow their young boys to walk around with a pair of tits the size of Texas.

10 –PEOPLE WHO BREAK MORE THAN ONE RULE AT A TIME:

There are some people who are multiple offenders and this is just too much.  These people should invest in a backyard pool and stay away from the beach.

Here is an example of someone showing us their ugly tattoos, Speedo and man boobs. The person to the right just sprayed him with SPF 30 and it all went right back into her face.

None of the things on this list will ever deter me from actually going to the beach of course!!! But just love to share and vent!! PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR THIS BLOG!!

Busses filled with Douche Canoes and other problems in America


When did kids turn into fucking assholes?

I think most children are born into this world as human beings that can be molded and shaped into good people, because most humans are inherently good.

I believe that children only turn evil and stupid because of their environment and their bad, bad parents.

I am certainly not the best parent and my kids are not the best kids, but I at least teach them basic MANNERS and difference between right and wrong!

For example – poking an adult’s stomach and calling her fat would be considered BAD!!!

So not only are the children in this world being tortured by bullies, but now children are bullying adults??!!!  WHAT THE HELL IS HAPPENING?

Are the kids in this country so troubled and angry and ignorant that they don’t even know enough to not call an adult “fat?”  If you haven’t heard about how 4 middle school children tortured and bullied an older woman who was on a bus with them as a bus monitor, click here for the horrific story: http://abcnews.go.com/WNT/video/bus-monitor-bullied-students-caught-tape-16624456

I can distinctly remember the kids in my elementary school, my neighborhood and on my bus that were jerks.  There were like 3 in my whole childhood that I can vividly remember and they were deeply troubled.  One boy I remember, Tony Bizzuto used to eat dirt on the playground and later went to jail.

Today there are so many wretched, ill-mannered children that  I find it rare and refreshing when a child is friendly and nice.

Why?

Is it because nobody yells at their kids? Is it because everyone coddles their children and lets them cry and shit their pants during their baseball games?

Is it because all the kids do is play video games and they don’t know how to interact socially with others?

Today children are just rude, obnoxious and entitled.

How many times have you seen a child behave like a complete jerk and his or her parents say or do nothing in response?

When I was young if someone started being rude and disrespectful to an adult on the bus, we would all wait in silence to watch him or her get in trouble.

We would NEVER!!!! join in!!! The thought would never cross my mind to join in whatever bad behavior Tony Bizzuto was doing!  NEVER!!!!

I can’t say I am too surprised since I see children in preschool and 1st grade who have horrific social skills, zero manners, are unruly and disobedient, and do not respond appropriately towards other children.

I can only imagine what these little assholes will be like by the time they get to middle school.

Just today, my kids were wandering the beach while I sat reading my US Weekly. (my all-time favorite activity….this is what all good mothers should do with their leisure time!)

I saw my son Michael go up to the boardwalk and started talking to two children he had never met.

Sam walked away and headed back towards me.

“Michael is talking to those 2 kids.” he said with exasperation.

“Yeah – so…what’s he talking about?” I asked, not looking up from a riveting story that Tom Cruise’s publicist put together about how much everyone loves working Tom Cruise.

“Well…Michael is talking about foxes….but the kids aren’t answering him.”

I quickly looked up at the boardwalk and saw Michael walking away from the boys with his head down. My heart broke for him.

I knew he was probably talking about the fox that shows up in my parent’s yard all the time, and I knew that these boys, like so many children these days, just ignored him.

I cannot tell you how many times my children have tried to engage or talk with other children and the kids literally will not even respond at all.

Leaving school, the bus stop, parks, anywhere where Michael and Sam might see someone they know, they are quick to throw up their hand in a wave and shout “Bye Jeffrey!” or “Hi Ethan!”

In response……blank stares and silence.

This happens ALL THE TIME!

When Michael made is way down to me, I asked, “Were those kids talking to you?”

“No.” he said quietly.

“You were telling them about the fox?”

“Yeah.”

“And they didn’t answer you?”

“Have Sam tell you….”he said quietly as he walked towards the water.

What I really wanted to do was go up to the boardwalk and beat the shit out of those 2 losers.

You two douche bags better go listen to Michael’s very interesting story about a fox right now!!!

I grabbed him and told him what I have said so many times before,

“Michael, sometimes kids have no manners, and it has nothing to do with you. Their parents have no manners either so they don’t teach their kids how to behave and they are horrible people.  You know there are lots of horrible children that you know…like Adrian and Whiney.”

“Yeah – I know, I don’t even care.” he shrugged and jumped in the water.

Thankfully – I actually think he truly doesn’t care, which is wonderful, because I don’t want him to stop being himself.  I don’t want him to feel weird or subconscious about randomly going up to a stranger and opening up a conversation about a fox. (Although – let’s face it, if he wasn’t 6 – that could be considered a little weird.)

Thankfully, I don’t particularly care for most children – so I am quick to point out when children we interact with have devil-like tendencies.

“Mom – can Tyler come over?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because he goes into all my cabinets and takes food without asking and doesn’t say thank you. He is very rude and you don’t need horrible people like that in your life.” I say.

Without skipping a beat – “Hhmm, ok – how about Johnny?” they will answer.

I have drilled it into them that horrible behavior is not to be tolerated.  I have pointed out many children as being rude and disrespectful, I can only hope as they grow and truly start to pick their friends they are able to find a couple of individuals who are kind and respectful.

Does anyone know where we can find children like that?

JUST BECAUSE I CALL SMALL CHILDREN DOUCHE CANOES DOESN’T MEAN I AM NOT FUNNY….IN FACT I THINK THAT’S ACTUALLY QUITE FUNNY AND DESERVES A CLICK OF THE OLD BANNER……XO, LADYGOOGOOGAGA

Mother Puckers


In the book “Outliers,” Malcolm Gladwell claims that to become a success at something you must complete 10,000 hours of practice; whether its music (the Beatles) golf (Tiger Woods) or computer programming (Bill Gates.)

Let’s just say, I think a lot of parents in my town have read this book and are frantically having their kids bang out some hours.

Let’s just say, I too, am a little competitive, and have been known to hate losing.  

I mean let’s be real people – who wouldn’t want a little Justin Beiber running around their huge mansion that he buys for me house.

So I sometimes get nervous that over here in the Gaga household we really haven’t started chipping away at the old 10,000 hours yet.

We have to find something first.

Tick – tock.

I mean these kids aren’t spring chickens……Michael is already 6. 

I think Michael Jackson already had a gold record by then – and McCauley Culkin was probably already nailing his audition for “Home Alone.”

Just sayin…..

I mean the streets of gold aren’t going to pave themselves…..

So last year – when my then 5-year-old announced that he would like to play hockey  – I thought it was a great idea.  We signed up for a “learn to skate” program. 

Some people said “You are nuts! It’s so expensive! It’s so much travel and you have to wake up at 5 am and go to games!”

I would just look at them knowingly – and explain that it was something that Michael wanted to do – so we were willing to try it out.

(In my head I thought – I am a super-awesome mom and you aren’t! I am willing to sacrifice so that my son can start his 10,000 hours and you are selfish.  5 am game time is no problem for my husband us – because we are great parents ……and you are assholes.   Have fun waiting for your short little white kid to get drafted for basketball…..losers….)

So that first day of hockey – my son fell 500 times.  It was absolutely heart-breaking to watch him flail about on the ice like a sea-lion.
 
God love him – he kept trying and he wanted to go back the next time, and so we kept going and he started to learn to skate.

But then I met …….the HOCKEY MOMS.   You have heard of the “soccer mom?” These women blow them out of the water…….(possibly with a rifle if it’s Sarah Palin we are talking about.)

It's probably not good that this is America's self-proclaimed "Hockey Mom".......

 
I quickly found out I wasn’t the awesome, superior mother I thought I was…….the “hockey moms” let me know that – real quick.
 
“Ooohhh – he’s just starting now?”  one mom said with a sad face watching Michael flail about on the ice on his belly like a beached whale.  “My son started when he was 3.”
 
“Hunter started when he was 2,” another mom said knowingly as her son zipped by us at the speed of light (backwards.)
 
“Well – Corey started when he was 3 months and now he’s 6 and looking to get drafted,” another mother added.
 
Ok – I made up the last one – but I think she was thinking it…..
 

This kid kept taking breaks to lay down - what a slacker. At least Michael did better than him......

 
So basically what they all wanted me to know was that at the early age of 5 years old – Michael was too late to start his 10, 000 hours.   Not only was I not the best mother in America like I had originally believed I was a horrible mother!!
 
So as usual – this is what I am up against in this crazy world of parenthood.   We ended up doing 20 weeks of skating last year and we were happy with our choice.
 
This year a lot of parents with kids Michael’s age (who by the way weren’t any better than Michael) – were going to put them on the town team.  This meant paying $500, and going every Saturday and Sunday at 8 am from early October until April. 
 
Michael was playing soccer until November and we thought he really wasn’t ready to play on the team (skill-wise.)
 
“Oh Tucker wasn’t ready either – so I hired Oksana Baiul’s coach.  We have private lessons 4 times a week.” one mother told me when I voiced my concerns.
 
WTF?  The only thing I do 4 times a week is laundry and who am I kidding I don’t even do  that.  If I spent the time and money for those lessons – my son better magically transform like in the Black Swan movie – into Oksana Baiul.

Strangely - this is what Tucker looks like now - after weeks of private lessons.....

 
“We did a summer camp where they played hockey all day everyday. They cried every morning that they didn’t want to go – but it helped,” another mother said.
 
Really – on a beautiful hot summer day -your kids were indoors on ice skates?Meanwhile – we were eating ice cream from the Good Humor man and going crabbing all summer….ooops. 
 
Needless to say – since I am failing miserably in the 10,000 hours department – when we picked back up this week with hockey it was a disaster.  We signed Michael up for a more advanced “Hockey Skills” class that we weren’t really sure he was ready for.
 
He was not.  He went to retrieve a puck and got stuck in the net and couldn’t get out and got demoted back to “Learn to Skate.”
 
“This is our fault! Maybe we should have done the summer camp!” I cried to my husband, “We are horrible parents – maybe Oksana is still available….”
 
“It’s more important that he had a fun summer and a normal childhood,” Mr. Gaga responded.
 
Sigh.
 
What is the right answer?? 
 
For now – we are going to work on skating for another season – and possibly sign up for a summer camp to keep up with it …..
 
(that is only if it doesn’t interfere with my “How to turn your child into the next YouTube Sensation seminar.)
 
JUST KIDDING!!!! OF COURSE I WOULDN’T WANT MY KIDS TO BE TORTURED YOUNG POP STARS!!!   ONLY A HORRIBLE MOTHER WOULD DO THAT – SO SINCE I AM A GREAT MOTHER AND A FUNNY MOTHER – YOU CAN CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW FOR ME!!!!  THANKS – LOVE, HOCKEY MOM (not)  LADY GOO GOO GAGA
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

What I learned….


In February of 2011 I began this little anonymous blog, as a way to vent and tell stories of my experience as a mother.

I have so loved having you all read, comment, laugh and commiserate. I look forward to much more blogging in 2012 and thank you all for your support!!

2011 was a good year for me.  I finally started to feel like I could think about doing something for myself – something besides wiping a butt or emptying a dishwasher.  (Like start a blog!!)

If I had to pick one word for 2011 it would be “blog,”  because in the beginning of the year I didn’t even really know what a blog was, and now I have my mom blog and I also have a beauty blog, and blogging has become a huge part of my life!

If I had to pick one word for 2012 it will be “Tweet.”  From what I understand this is something I am supposed to be doing already, but as usual I am behind the eight-ball with technology – so I am going to figure it out and become a tweet-aholic.

Today I want to just review the year for those of you who might have missed some important stories….with the
TOP TEN THINGS I LEARNED THIS YEAR…..(and one for good luck)

#1 – In February I started this blog and learned about other cultures at a Chinese child’s birthday party. This is where I was told to take off my shoes and wear the mother’s filthy slippers throughout the party.

#2 – In March, I came to the realization that my neighbor “Fran Drescher” is an utterly repulsive idiot.  I am so thankful that she moved across the country so I no longer have to be subjected to her filth or her children’s theater productions.

#3 – In April, I was an idiot and drove 19 hours in the car to Georgia, I learned that this is not necessarily a good idea.  As if it’s not bad enough being stuck in a vehicle for long periods of time,  I definitely learned that when one gets out of the car for short breaks, the Cracker Barrel is not the place to go.

#4 – In May, in honor of Mother’s Day I reviewed the ways “This is not my mother’s motherhood.”  Most of this list revolves around the fact that modern-day motherhood is wretched and torturous and my mother enjoyed leisure time watching the Days of Our Lives program and smoking cigarettes.

#5 – In June, school ended so I no longer had to look at or listen to Steven Keaton at the bus stop, and I figured out a way for my son to get the final revenge of the school year.  This school – year I learned that I must wear sunglasses rain or shine to avoid eye contact with any and all humans at said bus stop.

Imagine waking up every morning and having to watch this guy pretend he's going to take the bus to kindergarten.

#6 – In July, I learned that Bingo is very annoying, I will never win and it is not good for my mental health. If I continue to attend the yearly beach bingo I could possibly flip tables like Theresa Guidice.

Teresa Guidice flipping a table

#7 – In August, I learned that too much sun coupled with late nights spent watching Spongebob while his mother drinks wine, can actually turn a 5-year-old into the devil.  I got a lot of comments on this one – I think you all could relate to this story – especially when everyone on the beach clapped when we left….

#8 – In September, I was provoked by a moron in my “Moms Club” who decided to tell her 2-year-old there’s no such thing as Santa.  I learned that there is a level of horrible parenting that I was not aware of – Oooohh how I hate that woman and her husband.  In 2012 – stay tuned for more idiotic requests and questions from people who apparently can’t solve simple matters without sending out a mass email to 800 mothers.

#9 – In October, I escaped from Hell on Earth Connecticut and I learned it is not necessarily all it’s cracked up to be.  Although we had a great trip – it did take us until about Halloween to recover from the trip – and that was about the time that we had a storm that destroyed Connecticut life as we knew it.

#10 – In November, my hair turned into a Brillo pad and I learned how to survive without power for 10 days!!!!!  It took us until last week to recover from this fucking piece of shit storm and the piece of shit utilities company that we have here in lovely Connecticut.

This is me waiting for my husband to hook up the generator.....

#11  – In December, I learned that some people in this household do not value Christmas traditions and schedules as much as I do…..and Mr. Gaga asked that I also say I learned that he is funnier than me……(which of course is not true.)

What's the big deal? Why are you crying? Are you crying about coming home to raw chicken on the counter and a messy house or is it because I am an idiot?

Happy New Year!! Please start off the new year in a positive direction and vote for me was one of the Top Mommy Blogs!! XOXOXO LADY GOO GOO GAGA

Linking to pour your heart out!!

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