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Feed your Children

I should’ve known when I was breastfeeding my first child that I was doomed.

I would spend hours upon hours with my boob in this baby’s mouth only to go to the pediatrician’s office to be told that he was underweight.  Sometimes entire days would go by where I would spend every hour feeding this beast. I was tired and miserable and my nipples were raw and the child could not be satisfied.

“Oh, that’s called cluster-feeding!” the breastfeeding nazi would tell me gently as I described the horror that my life had become.

“This child is never satisfied. I think it needs like cereal or something.” I snapped.

“Oh no – it’s soothing and nourishing for the baby to cluster feed.” she answered softly.

Well can’t I just give it a snickers?  I don’t want to do this anymore.  I want to die.  “ I think he’s starving to death,” I would say with my tit in the baby’s mouth while I gazed numbly at her face.

She would pick up my skeletal baby and place it on the scale, and find that he was severly underweight.

“It’s ok, just keep doing what you’re doing!” she said and suggested a vitamin drop supplement.

At the six month mark I couldn’t take it anymore and started loading the baby up with pureed bananas and cereal.  Things improved.  Yet he was never ever satisfied.

Even though breastfeeding was very glamourous and exciting….


I threw my pump into the nearest fire and told Mr. Gaga I would no longer be available in the middle of the night to feed the baby.

I never looked back.

But guess what.

The hunger never ends.

I had another hungry monster child soon thereafter.

I tried to keep them fed while consciously attempting to not become another obese statistic.

After a few pediatrician visits with underweight children, the doctor asked what I was feeding the kids.

“Well, mostly bananas and apples…..grilled cheese and then carrots and grilled chicken and yogurt.”

He stared at me blankly.

“No pasta? No pizza?” he asked incredulously.

“Well isn’t there like an obesity epidemic?” I asked innocently.

“You cannot have these children on the Atkins diet.” he answered sternly.  He ordered a menu heavy in carbs and said they would grow brain power if fed grains and carbs.

I listened to this directive and started feeding them macaroni and cheese and pasta and sandwiches and pizza and bagels. (A menu that I started dipping into as well and found that it is not advisable for 30-somethings that don’t want to be obese.)

Things were better. The children were satisfied.

Suddenly this summer, we have reached a point similar to when they were babies.

Nobody is satisfied.

No food is safe.

I would find myself working all day and dreaming of coming home to eat a leftover fajita or a turkey sandwich and then get home completely famished, open the fridge and find tumbleweeds.  The children would eat every morsel of food they could lay their hands on.

These children have become beasts that cannot be satiated.  One dinner is not enough.  They come back an hour later and tell me they are starving.

I try to tell them they will become fat obesity statistics, but there is no stopping them.

They shovel food into their mouths with reckless abandon….


I find myself spending millions in the grocery store.

I stock my refridgerator shelves and everything is gone in 2 days.

I work like a dog.  I don’t want to spend all of my money in the grocery store.

There are Louis Vuitton Bags that I want,  there’s $300 Madonna concert tickets to consider     

college savings funds that need my hard-earned dollars.  So I cannot spend all!! of my money on FOOD!!! for these animals.

I was lucky enough recently to benefit from the generosity of Costco and it was an answer to my prayers.

We received some amazing snacks in massive size containers and suddenly people could just dig into pretzels filled with peanut butter and they weren’t hungry anymore.

pb pretzel

And then Costco sent me a strange thing.

Apple sauce in weird pouches.


This box is filled with pouches of pureed apples.  The pouch has a cap that you can open and squirt said pureed organic fruit into your mouth.

I kicked the box aside assuming it was for people in geriatric facilities with no teeth.  I pictured nurses coming over to old men in wheelchairs and squirting the apples into their mouths.  There was no way my kids would eat this shit.

Fast forward- two days later.  The apple sauce squirters were gone!! My neice and nephew (5 & 2 years-old) had been here and helped, but still, they were a huge hit.

Anytime they were hungry they grabbed these organic snacks that contained 100 percent of the daily allowance of vitamin C! Apparently they don’t mind squirting pureed items directly into their mouths! This was a total score.

Another major piece of the puzzle for me to keep these monsters at bay is bars.  Any bar can keep them satisfied in between meals.

These bars sent by Costco were a hit….


Other Costco staples that I have found help me survive motherhood include huge vats of coffee, huge boxes of Tampons, huge boxes of Band-Aids, huge boxes of macaroni and cheese, huge boxes of chicken tenders, huge boxes of goldfish and huge packages of American cheese.

Consider yourselves forewarned cluster-feeding mothers.

This doesn’t end well.




4 responses »

  1. Another awesome article! I had my girls with a midwife so was expected to breast feed. My milk never came in and I gotta say, I was happy to not have them attached to me 24/7!! I’m sure people will have lots of horrible things to say about that but they have grown up just fine, sort of! I’m counting the days until they are both in collage and I have my life back! 2 more years and I’m an empty nester!

  2. I have twins. Breastfeeding lasted 3 weeks. I’m at the grocery store 2-3 times a week because already, at 6 years old, they eat like animals!!! Can Costco please send me some food? 🙂

  3. So my youngest son came home from college this weekend. And what was once a full fridge was demolished in like 37 minutes. Full cartons of milk, cookies by the dozen, frozen pizzas by the truck load… don’t even get me started on what he did to my washing machine and dryer… let’s just say it will never be the same. Mad rush from said college student. He ate, washed and flew the coop again. Leaving me with two pieces of cheese and a moldy slice of bread. And now a need to call Sears repair man in… they ARE NEVER full. I mean EVER.

  4. My kids are always hungry. However, my youngest will only eat yogurt and tuna fish, and the oldest will only eat ramen noodles and fruit. So the rest of the food is safe.


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