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You like me! You really like me!! Or…..you hate me.


I am not sure why – but last week’s post about the “SEVEN MOMS TO AVOID ON THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL”  really struck a chord with mothers and fathers and aunts? across America.  There was a lot of talk about me being fat and jealous, and questions about what gave me the right to judge.    Your comments were very entertaining and well thought-out – the grammar police showed up and there was even reference to the Ashley Madison scandal.

In the meantime, I actually went to my children’s first day of school and mothers that were present, that know of my secret identity, quietly mentioned how they thought of me as they dressed for the first day. SCORE!!!  I am sorry about that Goopville moms….

I have to give a shout-out to the “pajama-moms.” You were some of the most vocal – proudly announcing your frequent bra-less pajama outfits with no apologies – while simultaneously enjoying my blog and laughing at yourselves.  This shows me that I have sold the pajama moms short and they could very well be among my closest friends if I am willing to overlook their nipples in the morning.  Duly noted.

Many of you hated me this week and told me that I was judgy and mean – and I love you anyways.  I love anyone who comes to this blog and is willing to read through a post and make a comment.  Please understand that this blog is meant to make people laugh and I have never once tried to be an inspirational voice for moms.  If anything, I firmly believe that we are all doing our best to navigate this crazy world of modern-day motherhood.  Sometimes it results in some funny shit.  Also, please note that I am the first person to throw myself under the bus.  I NEVER claim to know what I am doing.  I CONSTANTLY FAIL at being a “good mother” and my way of dealing with this is through laughter.

Because let’s face it.

If we don’t laugh at all of this, then we all be alcoholics that cry ourselves to sleep every night.

Thank you for reading – I read each and every comment and appreciate them all.

In closing – each year at this time I post my SECOND MOST SHARED AND FAVORITED BLOG which is my satirical take on school lunches and the lunatic mothers that prepare them…

For some of you loyal and loving readers this will be a repeat for you -but I have so many new readers that I just have to share!!!

Thanks again to all of you for reading!! A big thanks also to POPSUGAR MOMS for posting my “7 MOMS TO AVOID” blog on their website with possibly even better pics than I used!!!!

XO, Lady Goo Goo Gaga

When I was very young, my mother decided that I was quite independent and capable.

Upon discovering my love of “doing things myself,” she rearranged her kitchen cabinets and moved all of the cereal to the lowest cabinet. She taught me how to pour milk and make a sandwich for lunch. Once the basic survival skills were mastered she informed me and my brother that she would no longer be available in the mornings.

From that point on, we were responsible for getting ourselves up in the morning, getting dressed and ready for school, making breakfast and making ourselves lunch, and getting to the bus stop on time. To our credit (and hers) we managed to do this pretty much without incident. We never missed the bus and I don’t remember feeling neglected or abandoned in any way, even though the very first cereal I remember preparing for myself looked like this….

Fast forward to modern times when I have my own children and I have spent countless hours up at the crack of dawn preparing meals and snacks. Reflecting back on that time – it seems just a bit outrageous.

It’s a topic of conversation that she doesn’t enjoy, yet my brother and I bring it up constantly. It usually goes like this….

“Mom – remember when you announced that you were never waking up again – and we had to make our own lunch?”

She usually rolls her eyes…..”Oh – like you had such a bad life? I think you’re fine.”

“Yes – I’m fine – but it was little ridiculous that you weren’t up with us…”

“Oh, poor you…yes – you had it sooo bad. Did you have a good life? Did your father and I send you to college and give you a nice wedding?”

“Mom – that’s not the point – I am just saying – it was crazy to expect us to do everything by ourselves….we were like 2.”

“I was helping you to become more independent…..Like it’s so hard to pour a bowl of cereal?”

“Well it’s not – but when you are 4-years-old the gallon of milk is a little bit heavy.”

Usually it’s by this point in the conversation that she has left the room or hung up on me.

While I do think her morning routine was completely unacceptable, I am secretly envious of her 1970’s “laid back” parenting style.

Imagine just simply not waking up in the morning and sleeping in with no worries about what your children will wear, eat for breakfast or eat for lunch? How luxurious!

While I know that those days of parenting are long gone – never to return, I received full confirmation this week when I opened my Pottery Barn Kids Fall Gear Catalogue.

To start off I should have known I was in trouble when the catalogue started off with a picture of a preschooler carrying a backpack.

The “Pottery Barn people” must have really brain-stormed to come up with an image of a child that everyone could relate to.

It was only logical that they decided on a photo of a small child carrying 250 pounds of school supplies in a bag that is as big as he is, outside on the grounds of what appears to be……Harvard?

Oh yeah – and of course his name is Penn…What else would it be? And I am sure we could all agree that yellow suede loafers are the obvious choice for 4-year-old boys.

OK – so on to the lunch bag section of the catalogue. Of course modern-day parenting dictates that all snacks and lunches must be presented to children in fancy canvas totes with their names on it in bold text accompanied by an image of Darth Vader or Spider Man.

Gone are the days of the brown paper lunch bag.

Also, in the classic style of Pottery Barn, who historically since its inception seemed to make its mission as a company to make housewives and mothers feel badly about the state of things in their home……the “Pottery Barn People” have presented their impression of what a child’s lunch should look like.

Apparently their idea of a “lunch” drastically differs from mine.

Is this what my kids are supposed to see when they open their fancy lunch tote with 55 zippers and compartments?

Because that will never happen….

Please note that the sandwich has been fashioned into some sort of exotic daisy and a dipping sauce has been made available as part of Blair’s very balanced meal….If the other kindergarteners had any doubts if Blair’s mother loved her – I think it will be very clear now……

So …..here I am thinking I’m a great mother because I sometimes heat up Progresso soup in the morning and put it into a Batman thermos for Michael.

Once again – I am wrong. I am not mother of the year – in fact I might be the worst mother in America – according to Pottery Barn Kids.

As I kept reading – it became clear that I am, as I suspected, a very, very bad mother. I might as well just stay in bed like my mother…..because I have not once shaped sandwiches into a tic tac toe game smartly utilizing carrot shreds and pieces of grapes.

In the town where I grew up – If I ever opened up a lunch to reveal a tic tac toe game made out of sandwiches, I would get my ass kicked and my new name would be “Tic Tac” until I graduated highschool…..

Just when I was about to throw the catalogue in the garbage something caught my eye.

Wait – could this be true?

I know that good mothers are ones that send in little notes with their children’s lunch. I have been known to even send a note here or there.

But could it be possible that Pottery Barn Kids is SELLING IN THEIR CATALOGUE, something called “Lunch Box Love Notes.”

So – if you are too lazy or dumb to write out your own note to your child – no worries!! Pottery Barn has done it for you!!!

Thank you Mom for sleeping the day away and never sending me to school with a miniature sandwich with a yellow tomato ball and a strange love note on top of it.

Please notice the green note in the bottom right-hand corner.

So in case your kids is telling horrible stories at the lunch table – and the other kids are staring blankly at him – or saying something like “That story sucked,” – your note will be there to save the day!!

God forbid the 6 hour school day goes by without these children receiving some undeserving accolades from their mother!!

I actually perused the catalogue for a minute – thinking it would be nice to have the notes ready to go in the drawer in the morning. Maybe I would buy some, but I searched through the whole thing and couldn’t find any that were my kind of notes…..

Really?? It’s not enough that this lunch consists of yuca chips and cherry tomatoes? If my mother ever put a note in my lunch that said I was a “kind person” I would kill her.

I usually write things like:

“Hope you are having a nice day Michael – by the way the shirt you’re wearing is from Nordstrom – so if you rip your clothes at recess again today you are punished for a week.”

or

“Hi Love bug – don’t forget – if that bully bothers you again remember how Daddy told you to punch him right in the face!! Have a great day :)”

or

“If your friend offers to share his fruit snacks today, you are not allowed to eat them. This is why he already had a root canal when he was 4 – you will thank me later :)”

I guess I will be writing my own notes this school year…..

THANKS MOM FOR MAKING SURE I CAN POUR A MEAN BOWL OF CEREAL! AND PLEASE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW SINCE I HAVE BEEN MAKING THAT BOWL OF CEREAL SINCE I WAS 2…..

 

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22 responses »

  1. I love this. I can relate, even though one kid is out of college and one in the middle of college. Keep up the good work!

    Reply
  2. paria@momontherunsanity.com

    I am a new subscriber…..and I saw your last post on my friends Facebook and shared it on mine and emailed to a bunch of moms that I knew would appreciate….. I think there was that song from Erasure back in our day called “I Love To Hate You”….. some people love to hate….I personally love how you hate other mothers (I know you don’t really hate them….) and I love the ridiculously hilarious comments from your haters…. As a matter of fact, my son says that my blog(which is completely a different genre than yours) will not be successful until I have a hater….which I don’t….so it seems I am a failure…. You are a grand success!!! Keep it coming….#hatesgonnahatehatehate

    Reply
  3. I do like you. But it is also entertainment to disagree with you. 

    Sent via the Samsung Galaxy Note® 4, an AT&T 4G LTE smartphone

    Reply
  4. Marry me.We’ll live off me $100.I may be only thirteen but our satire yet intelligent optimistic personalities are perfect for each other.Divorce your husband for me plz

    Reply
  5. As a fellow “mom hater” despite being a “mom” myself- I’m annoyed for you because I know that you write transparently because you actually have a self-confidence and a the self deprecation that it takes to be judgey and be loving and humorous at the same time. Most “moms” sadly define the self based on being “moms” which I can’t stand just because it makes me want to shake them and say “you are still YOU”!
    Thank YOU for being YOU and thanks for this blog. My “bitchy judgey” mom blog doesn’t feel so alone anymore. 😉

    Reply
  6. You’re great. People who criticize need to lighten up and laugh a little. Keep ’em coming.

    Reply
  7. Pingback: You like me! You really like me!! Or…..you hate me. | realtaskever

  8. So so so loved your post on moms to avoid! I had never heard of you & someone had shared on FB & then I shared on FB! Thank you for the funny frankness! People need to laugh more often!

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Reply
  9. I really enjoyed reading the blog….I have to admit I loved it! I love the total purity and related to more than one of the mom’s including the Whole Foods mom…
    Keep doing what you are doing and please don’t apologize! Mom of 3 in Charlotte

    Reply
  10. Is it Bad that I really want that Bento box in the first photo? For me. Not for my adorable and incredibly intelligent godchild. (BTW: I am not a mom- unless you count my fur children- but if I were one, I would hope I had a as great a sense of myself as you seem to! Carry on with your bad self!)

    Reply
  11. Love it! My daughter started 1st grade today. I think of your blog and chuckle when I’m packing her lunches. I cut her turkey sandwich in half, isn’t that enough? I did not, however, peel the clementine for her. I’m sure it will come home in her bag whole and unpeeled.

    Reply
  12. I think you’re a riot! Loved 7 Moms.
    Mifflin Lowe

    Reply
  13. I loved reading the 7 moms post! Sometimes we just need to SAY STUFF, get it off our chests! I think I enjoy the ranty, honest get-it-off-my-chest posts more than anything. Because they are HONEST, and there ain’t much of that out there these days with everyone being so unbelievably sensitive! Haters gonna hate. Bakers gonna bake. Keep on keepin’ on.

    Reply
  14. Excited to discover your blog as my daughter starts kindergarten! Give me hope. PBKids sold me a bill of goods with the $1000 crib that she chewed on-like a neurotic, toddler beaver. Lesson learned.

    Reply
  15. Surprised you had such a negative reaction to it, obviously it was tongue in cheek. If you are a PJ mom and usually laugh at things you write about and themselves, then why not about this article? Bitchin’ Sisters have been writing in the same vein. Add a new mom category – ones without any sense of humor.

    Reply
  16. New to your blog and love it. Your ability to see humor in everyday life is wonderful. Keep up the good work.

    Reply
  17. Love this post. As a 24 year old mom to be who grew up in a house where I was also making breakfast and getting to the bus stop on my own as early as 1st grade, I 100% appreciate your humor. And so desperately wish that children were allowed to “free range” like we used to.

    Reply
  18. LOVE everything you write!!! Look forward to your posts and think you
    are amazingly talented!!!’ The convo with your brother had me crying from laughter – I can relate in so many ways ( esp as a child growing up in the 70’s!!!) I often tell my mom I’m lucky to be alive!

    Love to share your blog with my friends!!!

    Reply
  19. Just have to say that I am a new reader, and I LOVE this blog!!! And I also LOVED the last post about, “Moms to Avoid on the First Day of School.” I, am the PTA mom. As kindergarten parents (mostly moms) were dropping their kids off to school for the first day, and crying, I was there, giving free hugs, reassuring them that everything would be okay. Then, I took the opportunity, to introduce myself as the Vice-President of the PTA, and telling the parents about when our meetings are held, and that we needed help with upcoming events. I feel very badly about this, now, taking advantage of such an emotional day, and emotional time for moms, so when I saw the article discussing moms to avoid, I thought, “OMG- that’s me!!!” LOL!!!!!!!!!!! I shared the article with my fellow PTA moms, and they loved it as well! They also identified as other moms in the article (particularly the pajama moms!). Just wanted to share some love for that article. It made my day.

    Reply
  20. Ok. This was funny. All great comedians are judgey and mean. That’s what makes them so hilarious. I can relate with the brother thing- always teasing our mom for our upbringing. I found a Mother’s Day card for her that said ‘you are like the prize in the cereal box of life…oh, wait. I never had any prizes in that healthy crap cereal you bought us!’ We still laugh at that card years later!
    I am pajama mom. But I never get out of the car. My girls would die if I got out without a bra! Keep up the good work!

    Reply
    • Also…my kids would freak out if I ever packed a sandwich with a carrot and grape touching it!!! One day after school, my 10yr old says’ Mom- you know I don’t like pizza goldfish! I only eat cheddar goldfish!’
      I said’ Wow. I need to tell you something. That certainly will never happen again.’ (I was being very calm) ‘you will be making your own lunch each morning. I will not be doing it anymore.’
      That was the end of that.

      Reply

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