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Places you won’t find me this Summer


This week I am finally able to get into the summer mode.

On Wednesday, my family left for three days for a special trip.

tent

I stayed home.

When I first met Mr. Gaga he would speak fondly of his childhood camping trips with his sister and parents.  I firmly let him know in no uncertain terms that camping would not happen anymore if we chose to marry and have children.

Clearly, I am not equipped mentally or physically, to reside in a nylon facility with a rocky dirt bed, where I could be eaten by a bear at any moment.

I will never understand how such a trip could be enjoyable.

So off Mr. Gaga went this week with his father and my two beautiful safe children.  They were plucked from the safety of their beds and and their home and driven off into the wilderness to sleep in the great outdoors.

They had a blast. They played cards and catch and swam.  They didn’t bathe for four days, ate a lot of junk food and roasted marshmallows on a real campfire like they do in the movies.

I enjoyed my time at home watching Real Housewives with reckless abandon in the air-conditioning.

camping

Camping is not the only summer activity that I refuse to do.  There are several other activities that Americans do regularly under the guise of “summer leisure” that I find absolutely horrific.

For example:

SWIMMING WITH SHARKS:

I’m sorry but if you know full well that people are getting their legs bitten off regularly in waters near you, perhaps it’s time to just sit in your beach chair and read a book.

At what point do you disregard the huge signs letting you know that you are entering into shark-infested waters and just go take a swim?

This is called - don't put one toe in the water. Fly a kite. Read your magazine.  Take a bike ride. Don't be a stupid douchebag...

This is called – don’t put one toe in the water. Fly a kite. Read your magazine. Take a bike ride. Don’t be a stupid douchebag…

You are entering into the sea, where sharks reside and they consider you lunch.

Have you seen Jaws?  You will not beat the system dudes…

When Mr. Gaga first came to the beach on the Connecticut shoreline where I spent all of my summers, he was horrified.

When you grow up swimming in the Long Island sound you don’t realize that it’s not up to par.  Apparently to any individual who associates the beach with the ocean, it’s a huge disappointment.

The water is very still and devoid of surf.  It can be a bit green and murky and filled with seaweed.

“What the fuck is this? A pond?” Mr. Gaga asked incredulously the first time we stepped onto the pebbly sand.

“It’s the Long Island sound.” I shrugged.

“There’s no waves.” he said with disgust.

He’s right.

There’s no waves.

But guess what else there’s not…..

Sharks.

GOING TO HERSHEY PARK:

I fell for this Willy Wonka hoax last summer.  Expecting to be met with the smell of chocolate in the air and riding a tube down a lazy river filled with Hershey’s Special Dark, I was in for a rude awakening.

I couldn't wait for this delightful tour and was so excited to hear that we would receive a fresh off the presses piece of Hershey's chocolate at the end....

I couldn’t wait for this delightful tour and was so excited to hear that we would receive a fresh off the presses piece of Hershey’s chocolate at the end….

Meanwhile – it was all bullshit and the tour was fake with fake chocolate pouring out of fake machines.  We were devastated.  To add insult to injury – at the end of the tour we were promised a delightful chocolate treat.

We were carelessly handed this by a disinterested Hershey tour guide…

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

WHAT. THE. FUCK.

After that disastrous trip – I vowed I would not do these short little jaunts.  The only time I would take a summer adventure it would have to be good.

But I am just not wowed by any trips that other people seem to find enjoyable, especially…

CRUISES:

I mean I am sure people might miss the news sometimes.  So maybe you might not realize what you are getting yourself into…

But did everyone miss this report?

celebcruise

Or this one?

cruise

Or this one?

royalcaribb

Does this actually appeal to people??

I cannot think of a worse fate than to be stuck out to sea in a huge vessel filled with sick humans.

CRUISESHIP

This seems very unpleasant – yet millions of people continue to go on cruises.

It’s shocking.

GRAND CANYON:

I hear people often mentioning summer adventures involving the Grand Canyon.

I cannot think of something more terrifying.

“Let’s see – what should we do this summer?”

“I know! Let’s drive a goat up winding trails where we can fall to our deaths at any moment and then we can look at a huge dry dusty hole.”

gc

Um…No.

I think I am best suited to just stay put in my beloved Long Island sound.

There’s just nothing like a staycation….

HAPPY SUMMER!!! XOXO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA EVEN THOUGH I’M BORING AND LIKE TO STAY HOME….

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7 responses »

  1. How can I get my friend on your email list??

    Kem

    Sent from my iPhone

    >

    Reply
  2. I swear, on my life, I was booked for a conference in Hershey Park this coming Sunday. I was semi-disappointed that I wouldn’t be going to {what I also thought} would be Wonka land! I feel much, MUCH better. xo

    Reply
  3. I too summer where you summer on the Connecticut Shore and saw a bravolebrity this weekend. I was super excited. No one else was. But I had to share it with someone.

    Reply

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