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Nutella and Pepperoni here we come…


The kids have 2 days left of school.

Many mothers dread the end of school but I welcome it.  It means summer is near.  It means that there are days on the horizon that involve a good book on the beach while my children play in the sun and surf.  This is welcome change after we all had a long cold winter spent in some sort of institutionalized situation that involved fluorescent lighting.

After months of torture involving school PTO, horrible weather, spending hours and hours watching wretched baseball and basketball and soccer games, it’s time for some relaxation time!!  There’s a whole lot of bullshit shenanigans that go on during the school year….and I am done.

For example, I am no longer making anyone in this household a lunch.  Any of my longtime reader know how I feel about modern day “Lunch-making.”

When I had little babies if someone had complained to me about making their kids a lunch before they went to school for 8 solid hours, I would have slapped them.  Yet somehow it really sucks making lunches…it’s arduous and horrible.  It’s organic and peanut-free and packed in BPA Free pouches and healthy and perfect. FUCK YOU FAT KIDS AND MICHELLE OBAMA NOW WE CAN’T SEND TWINKIES AND CHIPS.     It’s just very labor-intensive.

ln the old days you could throw a PB&J in a brown sack.

Now some fucking asshole is sending their kid to school with this:

Is that a CAR? Made out of a piece of Wonder bread and a two grapes and a cheese??? Seek counseling.

Is that a CAR?  Or TITS?   I can’t quite figure this out – but it seems to be something made out of a piece of Wonder bread and a two grapes and a cheese??? Seek counseling  crazy lunch making mothers.

When I was complaining recently, a friend mentioned that she never made a lunch for any of her children, that range in age from 12 to 5!

“Mrs. Bell doesn’t make lunch for any of her kids!” I informed my lazy useless children that evening, “So maybe I should stop making lunch for you guys this summer…”

“I can make myself a Nutella sandwich everyday,” Michael said with a shrug.

“Yeah my sandwich will be Nutella with fluff and pepperoni….and I can eat Doritos,” Sam added seriously.

I pictured the dirty kitchen, everything covered with fluff, coupled with the extremely large consumption of red dyes and sugars in the described lunch.

"It's a deal," I said, "I will never make your lunch again."

“It’s a deal,” I said, “I will never make your lunch again.”

Laundry is another whole situation that will get better when school is over.  It’s not enough that everyone in the Gaga household has something to cover their butts and peeps in public.

NO!!!

These motherfuckers need specific items each morning!!!

“Mom can I have underwear?” “Mom can I have socks that match?”

I am just constantly peppered with stupid questions.

So I direct them to the baskets of clean laundry that I haven't folded yet.....

So I direct them to the baskets of clean laundry that I haven’t folded yet…..

On top of it – I am expected to have their baseball and soccer and football and basketball uniforms readily available and clean.

On top of that! Apparently boys wear “cups” that are constantly tossed in with the dirty laundry.  Said “cups” need to be found at a moment’s notice when the child needs to go to his practice or game.  This “cup” locator job is apparently my problem as laundress.

Maybe I should lose all the cups and let them experience life without a cup.

They might keep better track of things…

soccer

Now that all of the sports are done with, the stress of laundry deadlines is gone. I don’t care what people wear in the summer, I don’t care if they match, and better yet it’s flip-flop season so socks won’t be an issue again until September.

The other thing I won’t miss is the homework.

I have stated before that I don’t know how to do the math homework of my 2nd and 4th graders.

Even though I can’t really help them on paper, in theory I can help them by chasing them around telling them to do their homework or they will be huge homeless losers.  I also help them to understand the instructions of their homework and I am also often held responsible by teachers to “check their work.”

During the summer I don’t give a fuck about learning.  It struck me the other day at the book store when I saw a huge selection of workbooks that are available for “good” parents who make their children do math homework over the summer.

mathwork

Do you think that a girl doing a wheelie on her bike surrounded by numbers is going to trick me into becoming a math teacher over the summer?? It’s not.

I am certainly not doing any workbooks over the summer with my children.  If they forget everything they ever learned over the summer – is that my problem? No it’s not.  It’s their teacher’s problem.

I purposely did not become a teacher.

I also purposely live in America.

If I wanted my children to learn and be smart during the summer I would live in China.  I purposely live in America so that we can eat Nutella pepperoni sandwiches and spend the summer being fat and dumb and forgetting everything we ever knew.

I am looking forward to it.

Thank God another school year is over and the summer will start this week!!!!!JUST BECAUSE I CALLED MY WHOLE FAMILY FAT AND DUMB DOESN’T MEAN I AM A BAD MOTHER – CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE BEST MOTHER IN AMERICA!!

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6 responses »

  1. Lisa Ann Jensen

    One of the best ones yet! Hope Baltimore was fun!!

    Sent from my iPhone

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    Reply
  2. Lisa Ann Jensen

    Sorry. Meant to forward this to my sister. Not reply to u 🙂 thanks for making me laugh

    Sent from my iPhone

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    Reply
  3. Ok first when we were kids the labels lied a lot and said how bad fast food then the new info said fast food was better than canned soup which seemed ridiculous. I’ve remembered reap pro item drinks that were 90% protein and now you’re lucks to get a protein bar uhm hmm that is 25 percent with the rest carbs and fat and that’s the healthy food. I research things when I’m able and report it. For every post saying one thing is it and six months later it’s the opposite. Oprah dr Phil pour out crap people buy it then something new comes along. Normally an inactive product they popped up

    Reply
  4. You reminded me of this thing that happened this week, which I think you’ll appreicate: A friend of mine posted a picture of her kids’ lunchboxes with a caption along the lines of, “So happy that I won’t be looking at these lunch boxes for three months.” Some fathead father answered her with, “Some day you will miss that.” What do you think is the over-under on that guy ever having packed a lunch for his kids?

    Reply
  5. Tales of a Twin Mombie

    This made me laugh hysterically.

    Reply
  6. Had a couple LOLs on this one as I am the lunch and uniform person in our house. I also got a kick out of the summer schoolwork stuff even though I teach elementary school. Thank goodness Aidan’ school still allows peanut butter. I have gone to letting him choose hot lunch when he wants this year. So sick of making lunches in the morning. Usually there is only one per week now. That’s doable!

    Reply

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