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How to get a Baseball Scholarship without really trying…

Baseball season is upon us.

Even though it snowed in Connecticut yesterday – the baseball season will start in a couple of weeks and life as we know will be turned upside down.

Parents in Goopville will be beside themselves attempting to make sure that their child, whether he is 5 or 12 is making progress towards the majors.

That is the major focus of baseball for children today.

It is not for them to get exercise or to have fun.

It is to get a scholarship and get drafted.

The parents will tell you otherwise while they get “private baseball tutors” and buy hours in the batting cage.

Don’t get it twisted.

They are all shooting to have the next Derek Jeter.

You baseball moms are lying if you say you don't want to be this mom some day....

You baseball moms are lying if you say you don’t want to be this mom some day….

Mr. Gaga was one of the magic children that actually got a full ride to a Division 1 school for baseball.   He grew up in Queens with parents that were working class people.  In highschool he was throwing a 90 mph ball and he could start at every single position on the field with ease.  He lived in Long Island and he was the leader in hitting of all of Long Island.  He played at Shea Stadium,Yankee Stadium and Fenway.

His parents didn’t pay for a class or a book or a french fry for four solid years of college at an esteemed college in NY.

He got drafted.

This is an interview with his mother on how she got it done…..Please understand that she grew up in Queens and has a thick New York accent.  She was recently horrified when I told her that she spoke just like the Long Island medium, because apparently she doesn’t know that she has an accent.  I picture her during this interview drinking coffee and smoking a cigarette outside on her porch.

LGGG – “So, I am so excited to speak with you for your mothers to learn about the best practices for young children to succeed in baseball… I have had my kids playing baseball since they were five, what age was Mr. Gaga when he started?”

MIL Gaga “He was 12”

LGGG – “How many camps did you put Mr. Gaga in when he was young?”

MIL Gaga “None. When he was on his highschool team there were maybe 5 mandatory camps that he had to participate in so we would pay for those – but that was it, we didn’t have money for fancy camps or trainers.”

LGGG – “So how did he learn how to play baseball?”

MIL Gaga “Well he watched the METS games on television and he would study what they did and then practice their moves. Whatever they did – he would practice.  You know how first basemen will sometimes do spilts (I don’t know what she’s talking about)

LGGG – “yes”

MIL Gaga – ” So he would go outside by himself and practice doing splits.”

Apparently this is what she's talking about....

Apparently this is what she’s talking about….

LGGG – “But how long is a baseball game on television?”

MIL Gaga – “Maybe an hour and a half..”

LGGG – “Today – we are only allowed to let our kids watch T.V. for like 20 minutes a day.”

MIL Gaga – “Oh no -he would watch baseball all day long. I didn’t mind. We lived in a neighborhood where all the kids went to sleep-away camp all summer so he was alone.  He watched baseball all day and then went outside and practiced the moves that he saw them doing.”

LGGG – “Wait – he played alone all summer?”

MIL Gaga – “Oh yeah – he would throw the baseball at the front stoop for hours by himself.”

LGGG – “I thought this interview would be funny but now I am devastated. If my kid played alone all summer I would be beside myself.”

MIL Gaga – “Well – what could I do?”

LGGG – “So did you get him lots of fancy gear? Like did he have the best cleats and gloves?”

MIL Gaga – “No – because the kids that had the best gear and wore like wrist band and head bands were always huge douches – and Mr. Gaga never wanted to be a douche.  Mr. Gaga never had the best cleats or gloves because we couldn’t afford it.  Mr. Gaga wore the same cleats for football and baseball.  There was one coach who’s kid always had the best gear and he didn’t want Mr. Gaga on his team because he didn’t know if he was good -and then Mr. Gaga annihilated this kid while wearing football cleats.”

LGGG – “So did you ever have a problem with coaches – like did you try to get him on the best teams with the best coaches?”

MIL Gaga – “Oh no – it was like school where the teacher was always right.  I would never call the league and request a team or a coach.  I would tell Mr. Gaga – ‘If you get a douche coach then you have to deal with it’ – it was a good lesson for life….In fact one of his coaches was a pedophile.”

LGGG “Oh my God – did you know then?”

MIL Gaga -“No we read about it later in the Daily News – but Mr. Gaga said he was weird….”

LGGG – “So did you actively pursue a college scholarship? Did you think about it when he was playing?”

MIL Gaga – “No – he played baseball to keep busy – and I truly never thought of a scholarship until we knew for sure that he was good.”

LGGG – “Really? Parents today in Goopville are thinking of scholarships when the kids are like seven years old.”

MIL Gaga – “Then they are stupid.”

LGGG – “Did you at least really think about his health and strength and try to feed him with what he needed to be a successful athlete?”

MIL Gaga – “Ha – what do you mean like giving him carbs? We didn’t know about carbs back then…”

LGGG – “No more like did you give him fresh fruit and vegetables?”

MIL Gaga – “I probably went to the can-can sale at Shoprite – We always had a meat and vegetable, but it wasn’t fresh and it wasn’t organic…Just so you know the players coming up now from the Dominican Republic eat rice and beans all day…it doesn’t matter.”

“LGGG- “Did you let him drink sports drinks like Gatorade?”

MIL Gaga – “Oh yeah – he could drink whatever he wanted – I would let him drink Hawaiian Punch all day long by the gallon if he wanted to.”

Poor Mr. Gaga - this could have ended very badly!!

Poor Mr. Gaga – this could have ended very badly!!

LGGG – “Did you do anything in the off season to keep him in shape?”

MIL Gaga “No – he just played outside.  He would throw the ball and try different pitches… Every now and then his father would yell out to him to stop throwing curve balls.  He would yell outside “Stop with the curves man! You’ll blow out your arm!”  That was good that he knew enough to tell him that….but that was all we did.

LGGG – “Well do you have any advice for today’s parents?”

MIL Gaga “Well, my son didn’t have the best cleats and I never gave him the best food….You have to have a real love for the game and you have to practice…that’s it.”

What perfect advice.

Spoken by a true expert.

Let’s all keep these pearls of wisdom in mind this season!!






One response »

  1. This was great! I sent it to my sister-in-law whose son lives, eats and breathes baseball. It’s truly all he cares about. He’s twelve and already has all kinds of accolades in the baseball world. They’re those parents, the ones who spend megabucks on him to succeed, but he really has the stuff. I really hope he succeeds because he’s a great kid.


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