A year ago when I was depressed and drinking vats of onion soup during storm after storm in snowy Connecticut, I decided to book a long weekend in Mexico for the following year.
That long weekend was last weekend.
After the hustle bustle of the holidays it was here before we knew it.
We were to leave on Friday so I dedicated Thursday to packing, doing laundry and shaving and waxing my entire body.
I went to the gym in the morning and came home and started cleaning and organizing still sweaty in my dirty gym clothes.
After having children, my personal grooming has taken a turn for the worse, so getting my body ready was on my to-do list.
Shaving has become something that is done mostly for special occasions or bathing suit season. In between, things can get pretty dicey.
Mr. Gaga famously made his feelings clear on this topic when he grew a mustache and I was unhappy about it.
“I didn’t sign up to be married to someone with a mustache.” I grumbled.
“Yeah – I know! Neither did I… ” he answered.
So needless to say – the amount of prepping this body needed to be beach-ready was outrageous.
While I was upstairs getting organized I heard a loud noise, but I just stayed focused on my task at hand.
After a couple of hours I started addressing the laundry.
I opened the basement door so that I could head downstairs to throw a load of towels into the washing machine. My ears were instantly met with the sound of gushing water and the air felt humid and steamy. I ran down the stairs and stepped into about four inches of warm water at the bottom.
I quickly established that our water heater had burst two hours ago. That was that noise I had heard and disregarded. Hot water had been gushing into our finished basement for hours and our lives were destroyed.
I looked at all of the exposed pipes and tried my best to shut off what I believed to be the water pipe that was shooting water into the heater while simultaneously leaving voice mails on Mr. Gaga’s phone. When it was clear that he would never answer his phone I called my Dad who suggested getting the wet-vac.
I set up smoke signals in an SOS pattern and still no response from my knight in shining armor – so I got the wet-vac and started to vacuum up the water that was never-ceasing.
I started the machine and it was filled in 30 seconds with 5 gallons of water and then I realized that I was then responsible for picking up the 5-gallon container and lifting it into the sink to empty out.
With my back broken and the water still gushing – I did it again.
There’s just nothing that can prepare you for these type of events. When you get married and you buy your first home you think everything will just be wedded bliss and delights. You picture yourself framing pictures and buying throw pillows and duvets….
You will wear a perfect apron and mix up a batch of homemade muffins in a perfect kitchen with perfect hair with shaved armpits….
You just know that you will maintain control and your home and life will be like a picture straight out of the Pottery Barn catalog….
There’s nothing that will prepare you for the worst.
There’s nothing that will prepare you for spending a day in your basement like this….
I continued my back-breaking work of emptying out the wet-vac.
TWO HOURS LATER….
Mr. Gaga returned my call.
By then my entire spine was permanently damaged and my arm and leg hair and moustache grown significantly.
We finally got as much water up as we could. There was no hot water. We hadn’t packed. I had B.O.
So we did what any forward-thinking people would do.
We took cold showers, we threw as much as we could into bags and we got the fuck out of Goopville.
And we drank Coronas and fruity drinks in hot tubs for four days and tried to forget what we had left behind.
Mexico was delightful. Life was grand.
Then we came back to a moldy basement and no hot water.
Luckily the dreaded swimming lessons are upon us. The day we came back as we headed into the swimming pool area, I whispered into the kids’ ears.
“This is swimming lesson and also your bath….”
We are getting a new water heater tomorrow. We ripped up all the floors and walls in the basement. My leg hair has grown back. And this is coming tomorrow…
PRAY FOR ME DURING THE BLIZZARD AND VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!
XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA