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WHAT I LEARNED IN 2014


Every year – I review my top blog posts of the year just to give a recap of all that was important and funny to us each month….

I love doing this for two reasons – One is that I get to really take a look back at what resonated with my readers and two is that quite frankly I have amnesia – so it’s a nice way for me to remember what I did for twelve months…..

In January I learned that I am not the only one that is disturbed by what is considered “news” in this country.

This was one of my most popular posts of the year and 149 people commented on it!!  I noticed that the news that week was all about stuff that’s not news at all.

Included but not limited to a statement put out by the Sesame Street PR team saying that the Sesame Street residents were going to be making healthier choices in 2014.

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place?  To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like "ME LOVE COOKIES."

How did this asshole get away with this compulsive vile behavior for so long in the first place? To add insult to injury he talks in ebonics and says things like “ME LOVE COOKIES.”

 

The news reporting throughout the year didn’t get much better – but at least we had a good laugh about it….

In February I learned that I can’t just eat and drink with reckless abandon.

We had some snow days and I ended up milling about inside just eating and drinking.
I made a delectable French Onion soup in my crock pot and drank a vat of wine one weekend….

And then I looked in the mirror.

 

 

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes....

Please note the bags of onion soup and wine under my eyes….

In March I learned that the “Common core is a piece of shit….

As Michael’s third grade math homework got more and more detail-oriented I lost interest completely.  Both kids were expected to show their work for each math question and math problems that took us 5 minutes in the 1980’s now take children hours to complete.

Sam especially got frustrated when he had to fill out a sheet of missing numbers in a pattern and write a sentence explaining how he knew which numbers were missing:

 

 

 

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

I call this some good work coming from a 6-year-old.

So many of you commented that you felt the same frustration as me and Sam and Michael – this warmed my heart.

 

In April I learned that if I fell ill – everyone would survive…

I could not get out of bed for a couple of days and life went on without me.  Mr. Gaga was very doting and helpful.  However the children wore the same clothes for days and survived on inappropriate food choices….

One night I could hear Mr. Gaga say “Sure – No problem!” after Sam requested chicken fingers, hot dogs and a cheeseburger for dinner…

"Caarrottss.." I squeaked out...."and just one entree." I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

“Caarrottss..” I squeaked out….”and just one entree.” I managed to say before I passed out from exhaustion.

In May I learned that I miss Jane Fonda – and so do you….

I know that I eat too much and drink too much.

I know that I should be working out harder to burn off all of these calories – but I am sick and tired of all of this Crossfit and bootcamp bullshit – and I learned that many of you are too!! What happened to the good old days in the 1980’s when our mothers just power-walked and did Jane Fonda floor exercises and were skinny??

Why does our generation of women have to toss tires around and do these vile exercises called “burpees” to not be obese??

I usually just do

I usually just do step 1 and then step 5 and hope nobody noticed……

In June I learned that children can be evil....

When I abruptly had to drop what I was doing and bring Michael to school one morning with no makeup on – one of Sam’s classmates asked him why I had so many wrinkles.

The horror of that day has not worn off yet….

I mean I am pretty banged up - but not really that wrinkled per se......

I mean I am pretty banged up – but not really that wrinkled per se……

In July I learned that Hershey Park is not all it’s cracked up to be.

Being the great mother that I am – A friend and I took our kids to Hershey Park and were very disappointed.

The highlight of that trip was when a middle-aged woman came shooting out of a water slide tunnel missing her bathing suit bottoms while I waited patiently for my kids right in perfect view of her bits and pieces….

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened....

Then she just walked back towards the line to do it again like nothing happened….

In August I learned that parents today have too much time on their hands.

I dread the end of summer and I vowed to not get pressured into anything that I don’t feel comfortable with during the 2014 start of school.

I included in my list of things I WILL NOT DO EVER – a crafty idea that some parents are doing which is decorate your child’s sandwich bag.

So instead of interacting with other children - kids will sit in the caf completing some maze that their dick-head parents made....

So the idea here is that instead of interacting with other children – kids will sit in the cafeteria completing some maze that their dick-head parents made….

In September I learned that even a 2 minute movie preview can wreak havoc on our quality of life….

When Warner Brothers decided to play the trailer to their movie Annabelle during the Today Show commercials – my children were traumatized for weeks.

We had just splurged and bought a new bed but I had no sleep because Michael was in my bed crying every night….

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

This is not appropriate for the breakfast table you fucking assholes.

In October I learned that there are ways to avoid Ebola

Everyone was talking about Ebola in the fall and I was extra careful in my attempts to stay Ebola-free.  I shared some of my great ideas with all of you – so that we could all stay healthy and safe.

Especially during the Halloween season – it’s best to not consume any home-made items or loose candies that are not in a package….

If you get any of these "Ebola Balls" or loose candy corns .....throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

If you get any of these “Ebola Balls” or loose candy corns …..throw them directly into the nearest garbage!!

In November I learned that the “Elf” creators are money-hungry bitches….

I just hate the Elf and it’s creators.  In November these greedy bitches took things a step too far by creating a “Birthday Elf.”  It’s not enough that we run around playing their reindeer games all of December – waking up in cold sweats each night realizing we forgot to hide the elf.

Now these people want us to buy the “Birthday Elf” so that the Elf can visit your child for his or her birthday to the tune of $19.99.

I find this highly offensive.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

In December I learned that I can use the “Elf” for good after all.….

In a cruel twist of fate when Mr. Gaga’s irresponsible behavior threatened to destroy Christmas, I relied on the Elf to save the day.  I used him to get an important message to Michael regarding a LEGO mixup at Santa’s workshop and it worked.

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

We survived Christmas without a divorce and the Elf is safely put away until next November.

I am so grateful to have had another full year of blogging under my belt and especially grateful to you all that keep tuning in to read each Sunday night or Monday morning….

THANKS FOR READING AND HERE’S TO A GREAT 2015!! xoxo, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!

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6 responses »

  1. Thanks to you, I learned all these things too! ❤ xoxo

    Reply
  2. Very valuable information. Thanks so much for sharing! 🙂

    Reply
  3. I am laughing out loud at the lady with no pants!!! The whole thing is great.

    Reply
  4. Love all your posts!! Makes my monday mornings!! 🙂

    Reply
  5. Happiest 2015! Here’s to another funny and fabulous year!

    Reply

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