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Joy to the Girls


My young pregnant and somewhat newly married cousin was upset with her husband on Christmas Eve.

“What’s wrong?” her mother asked.

“Well I was upset because I like wrapped everything and Bob didn’t help me.” she answered indignantly.

laughing

When we all stopped laughing we broke the news to her.

He will never help during the holidays….It will only get much worse.” we warned her.

She stared back at us with unbelieving eyes.

She will have to learn the hard way.  She will soon learn that Christmas time is a treacherous time that can almost end in divorce if you are not careful.

I didn’t have the heart to tell her just how bad it will be.  You will not only be upset that you will wrap every single gift yourself.

How do you think those gifts will even get to your house? Do you think that your husband will go get them?  Do you think he will give one ounce of thought towards gifts for his flesh and blood children? Or his family?

No he won’t.

I personally thought of each and every gift that would be given and I personally went to purchase each item.  When I couldn’t find what I needed  I would search online and buy items at night while Mr. Gaga and the children slept with sugar plums dancing in their heads.

I only asked Mr. Gaga to do one thing.

Michael had asked Santa for a very expensive Lego Set.  I had ordered it right after Thanksgiving because I am very efficient.

I noticed that the package had arrived one day when I got home from work.  I discreetly asked Mr. Gaga to hide the box somewhere so the kids wouldn’t find it.

“When you hide the box – will you just peek in to make sure it’s the right Legos for Michael?” I asked, as I wasn’t entirely sure that I had gotten the right set.  The kids are obsessed with all Star Wars related Legos – and Michael had requested an Ewok Village, and I wasn’t entirely sure I had gotten the right item.

When Mr. Gaga came up from the basement later – he assured me that the Legos in the box were the right ones.

Fast forward to December 23rd.

My back was broken while I wrapped the 50th gift.  Mr. Gaga was watching television in the kitchen enjoying his life.

I opened up the box that the LEGOS came in.  I pulled out the box that was supposed to be an Ewok Village.

This was in the box....I see no Ewoks here.

This was in the box….I see no Ewoks here.

I thought my head would explode.

I entered into the room where my enemy was seated watching television oblivious to the pressures and demands of the holiday season.

“I am going to murder you right now – so be prepared.” I announced holding the wrong Legos in my hand and a box cutter in the other.

Mr. Gaga glanced up at me – unafraid.

“I ASKED YOU TO DO ONE THING!!!” I screamed.  “ONE THING!!”

“AND BECAUSE I TRUSTED YOU TO DO ONE THING!! YOU HAVE ONCE AGAIN RUINED CHRISTMAS!!!!”

When I shoved the Rancor Pit LEGOS into Mr. Gaga’s face and demanded an explanation, he answered, “I never heard him say he wanted the Ewok Village,” with not a care in the world.

“You didn’t??” I asked incredulously. “Well – since you pay no attention to what’s going on around here – it’s in FUCKING WRITING to SANTA!!”

I ran upstairs and found Michael’s letter to Santa and came down with it and threw it at Mr. Gaga hysterically.

He read the letter serenely.

He looked up and shrugged.

“Well – I never knew he wanted that.” he said as he tossed the letter onto the kitchen table.

“I am going to fucking kill you.” I screeched. “I can’t trust you to do anything!!!”

I think at this point he started fighting back and telling me about all of the stuff that he does, but I had blacked out from anger and went to upstairs.

I was beside myself.

How could I fix this?

The next day was Christmas Eve and when I googled the “Ewok Village” I found out it was $250.00

I couldn’t just go out the next day and shell out that much money on an extra gift! And plus – would I even find it?

Then I thought of a great solution!

The one thing that I hated most during the holiday season – might actually save me.

The one being that could actually help me right now – was NOT my husband.

It was in fact …….

 

THE ELF.

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

Who would think this fucking asshole would save the day??

I wrote in my most elf-like handwriting a elf-ish note about a mix-up in Santa’s workshop – and would Michael please forgive the elf for mixing things up….

He accepted the mix up – Thank you JESUS!!

I decided to speak to Mr. Gaga the next day – because otherwise Christmas would be completely destroyed.  I have to remember for next year – that he LITERALLY cannot do ONE thing related to Christmas or everything will be ruined and we will get divorced.

And it’s not just me.  It’s women across the land.

Men just don’t seem to engage in the holiday hustle bustle.

Why would they??? We do EVERYTHING for them!!

Are they assholes?

Or are we?

I work in a retail environment and if I had a dime for every woman throughout December bought herself something and told me she was putting the item into her own stocking…..

We have even given up on the men actually buying OUR gifts!!

One year I gave Mr. Gaga no direction and thought “If he loves me then he must pay attention to what I enjoy and like and he will get me something that I really deserve and love.”

Guess what he put in my stocking that year!

Just guess!

I will give you a hint….

It’s large enough to fill most of the stocking…..

It’s orange……

It rhymes with “Boda”

 

WHAT. THE. FUCK?

“WHAT. THE. FUCK?”

We almost got divorced that year.

“But you really like orange soda!” Mr. Gaga said as his defense.

“I can buy my own soda – you fucking asshole!” I screeched as I threw the soda out the window and buried my head under a blanket and cried.

I cancelled stockings after that in order to save my sanity and my marriage.

And now I have learned that hints and suggestions are for the best.

And now my heart soars that he even picked up the hint.

Gift cards are welcome here.

(Preferably to places that I frequent.)

And thank God Mr. Gaga actually realizes that after 19 years of togetherness.

I was showered with gift certificates, the kids were showered with various games and toys, Michael was showered with the WRONG LEGOS and all is right with the world.

FA LA LA LA LA.  Until next year…..

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15 responses »

  1. Oh my, so funny. My husband made the mistake of criticizing me for wrapping an Xbox game as is instead of disguising it in another container. I told him that next year he could wrap all the gifts, and buy them, and decorate the house and send the cards and do the holiday food shopping and baking, etc… He just sat there saying “well that won’t happen”. Exactly. You want Christnas? Don’t criticize what I do to provide it.

    Reply
  2. I asked for a new phone )I am due for an upgrade so it would have been mostly free. I also wanted a chain saw-have asked for that for 3 years too; I got very very cute earrings a scarf rack and some things for my santa village, but I said and said and said what I wanted very clearly and so no phone no chain saw. I thought it was a joke and am still waiting to see if I get either. after 18 years, I did get someone to help me put stickers on the gifts as I wrapped them. He literally sat and watched me wrap. He will tell me next year that he helped more than ever. Yes, true, but still not so great. I have often wondered what would happen if I died.

    Reply
  3. My wife will tell you I’m more than half a chick when it comes to just about everything but Christmas. I cook, clean, shop, nurture, help and errand much more than the typical guy. But when it comes to Christmas, I have little spirit or determination. I wrap her presents from me but I get my teenager to do the rest.

    Reply
  4. My husband gave me a large bag of Oolong this year, which is a tea picked by monkeys. I opened it, and said, “Is this a joke?” It wasn’t.

    Reply
  5. Bwahahaha!! I’m loving this. My husband wouldn’t mind a bit if there were no gifts for anyone under the tree. Actually, I’m not sure he would notice if there was no tree. I never realized that so many women had husbands like that though…I thought I was the only one who got crappy stocking stuffers. True story: Last year he forgot, so he took candy and ink pens from the stocking I had just filled for him and put them in mine! This year was a slight improvement, but I really do wish he would just give me cash or let me fill my own!!

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  6. I spent 5 hours on Christmas Eve wrapping and my husband was unconvinced when he couldn’t bring the kids home because I wasn’t finished yet. He had no clue what they were getting until they unwrapped it on Christmas in front of him.

    Reply
    • HAHAHA! Same shit at my house — he was just as surprised at my daughter’s gifts as she was. Luckily I managed to get my wrapping done pre-Christmas Eve while they were parked in front of a holiday movie on the other side of the house!

      And, Lady….I almost choked to death when I scrolled down to see the orange soda. What.The.Fuck indeed!!!

      Reply
  7. Haha this sounds so familiar. We each create Amazon wish lists now and I pray he doesn’t try to get creative. He got me handmade soaps one year… I have a diy blog and I really prefer to diy my own stuff so I was like huh soap… Lol. This year he got me a wine making kit which was a way bigger hit and surprisingly wasn’t on my wish list.

    That said, he loves kids toys too so we don’t have a ton of issues and I’m happy that he lets me do most of the toy shopping because he has no restraint. He gave me a limit this Christmas so I stayed under it. I had a bit left and the 1 yr old hadn’t really gotten much so I sent him to Big Lots for a giant teddy bear. He came back with three more bags worth of toys on top of the bear. They got way too many gifts this year.

    He wraps my gifts and I made a ton of reusable fabric gift bags this year so we don’t have to do much wrapping fortunately 🙂 I hate wrapping everything so it works well for me. 🙂

    Reply
  8. This, although I sorta feel bad for laughing at your plight, was awesome. One of my gifts came wrapped like something out of Nightmare Before Christmas – patched pieces of the same wrapping paper in an effort to use up the last of the remaining scraps (because I am green and LOVE to recycle – I wrapped some of my gifts this year with those giant sheets of kraft paper they use to pack in shipping boxes tied with pretty ribbon). Meanwhile, there was an entire roll of the scraps of paper he used. What a waste of tape! 😉

    Reply
  9. Hahahaha love this! I filled my own stocking with expensive facial creams. And I filled his with rogaine and a man groomer. And he laughed. Because he knows.

    Reply
  10. My birthday is the 24th – this year I bought myself some earrings from a friend selling Lia Sophia stuff. SHE wrapped them for me and I gave them to my husband to give to me for my birthday. The 24th rolls around and I get a package from a jewelry store. I open it and it’s hideous earrings that I would never wear. Later I said “what happened to the earrings I bought for you to give to me?”. Apparently he forgot about that and thought he’d buy me something else. He returned the ones he bought me and somehow I still haven’t gotten the earrings I bought for myself. I’m so confused!

    Reply
  11. Pingback: WHAT I LEARNED IN 2014 | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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