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Parenting (Christmas Movie Style)

Is there anything better than Christmas movies to get into the holiday spirit?

Aside from getting me in the mood for gift-giving and eggnog drinking festivities, Christmas movies have a way of making me look like the best parent in the world.

What if we just could live our life behaving like these holiday movie parents??

#1 – We could leave our children home alone and go on vacation:

In the movie “Home Alone” Kevin is left home alone to fend for himself when his parents go to Paris with the rest of the family and forget him.

Not only was he left home with no parental supervision but apparently had access to firearms and torches.


Here, poor Kevin uses a readily available torch to light a burglar on fire....

Here, poor Kevin uses a readily available torch to light a burglar on fire….


#2 – If we are actually home with the kids – we can pay them no attention – even if they leave in the middle of the night.

Although the concept of the Polar Express is very cute and warms my heart, as a mother I have to wonder….where are this kid’s parents???

So a creepy waxy cartoon-ish Tom Hanks comes to your door in the middle of the night and kidnaps your kid and you don’t notice??

Bad Parenting.


#3 – We could let our kids eat whatever they want:

In the movie “Elf” – Buddy’s parents are taken aback by his choice of spaghetti with maple syrup but just stare and watch as he drenches his dinner with syrup and eats it.

How wonderful life would be if my kids could just make bad food choices all the time and I could ignore it and just enjoy my meal.

food groups


#4 – Christmas traditions don’t have to be held so sacred:

Usually purchasing and putting up a Christmas tree in the Gaga household – involves some divorce papers     very bad fighting   Mr. Gaga sleeping on the couch    


I think much of the problems stem from the pressures of the tradition of cutting down the perfect tree and enjoying the experience of it.

If we could just swing by a Christmas tree lot and treat it like any old parking lot in the hood – I think we would all feel a lot better about everything…

For example, in Lethal Weapon they did a drug deal and a shooting in the Christmas tree lot – and everyone was totally fine with that….

Not exactly ideal Christmas tree behavior - but not the end of the world....

Not exactly ideal Christmas tree behavior – but not the end of the world….


#5 – We could shove something into our child’s mouth so they will shut the fuck up with no regard for poisoning or choking:

xmas story soap

Anytime I attempt to talk on the phone my children choose that time to speak to me or get in a loud fight with each other.
In the movie “A Christmas Story” Ralphie’s mother shoves soap in his mouth after he curses.  How luxurious life would be if I could just shove a huge poisonous item filled with Red Dye #40 into their mouth and continue on with my phone call.

#6 – We could tell teachers what we really think:

I have mentioned how I leave my children’s parent-teacher conferences and actually have no clue what is going on.  I have had a few teachers that I felt were lackluster at best and were really only there to have summers off.

What if I could, like George Bailey, just call them up and give them a piece of my mind?  In “It’s a Wonderful Life,”  George Bailey comes home after a rough day – screams at all of his kids, kicks a table filled with Christmas presents and then gets on the phone and tells off his daughter’s teacher.


Mrs. Welch? This is Mr. Bailey! Say, what kind of teacher are you, anyway? Why did you send Zuzu home like that, without her coat buttoned up? Do you realize she’ll probably end up with pneumonia just because of your stupidity?


#7 – We can exhibit poor driving manners in front of our children:

I am very bad at keeping my feelings to myself.

When I drive and people act like huge douchebags I try very hard to bite my tongue.

I try to not just scream out – “YOU FUCKING CUNT!”

Because apparently that’s not appropriate in front of small children.

But when I am alone…..

all bets are off.

Here Clark Griswold just lives life on the edge and gives the finger while he drives with his whole family.

He’s my hero!


#8- We could destroy stuff out of frustration in front of our entire family:

One more Clark Griswold because I love him:

In National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation, Clark Griswold attempts to decorate his home with millions of outdoor Christmas lights.  When the whole family goes outside to see the display and nothing lights up – he loses his temper and beats up Santa and his reindeer.




XO, Merry Christmas – Love, Lady Goo Goo Gaga








3 responses »

  1. Love this. Especially number 6.

  2. One of my favorite Christmas movies is “The Ref” with Dennis Leary. If you haven’t seen it you must, I think you would love it.

  3. Laughed my way through the whole piece! Oh my god, what I wouldn’t give to be able to do all of those things. I love Clark Griswold more than I love my husband. LOL


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