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Birthday Elf Boycott

The other day I was just minding my own business helping my kids pick out books at Barnes and Noble.

As they perused the new Diary of a Wimpy Kid book and some Star Wars Origami books – I looked longingly at the picture book section.   Now that they are both great readers the days of cuddling and reading a stack of picture books to them are far and few between.

Beautiful hardcover books lined the shelves, I gazed wistfully at Don’t let the Pigeon Drive the Bus and The Little Engine that Could, and thought it seemed like just yesterday that we were reading those books.  I looked at the top of the wall where the newer selections were and realized there were a bunch of books that I didn’t even recognize.

And then.

I saw something that made my stomach clench.

I rubbed my eyes in disbelief and squeezed them shut and then opened them again -to be sure I was seeing properly.

You motherfuckers.

You greedy motherfuckers.

So a couple of years ago a mother and daughter team,Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell, came up with this great idea to market the ELF ON THE SHELF at Christmas time.  As a result, they have made millions from this idea while we all run around like fucking assholes hiding a doll in our flour and in our shaving cream.

But now!! These gluttonous bitches have decided that we should also have an elf visit when it’s our child’s birthday.

You don’t actually buy a new elf.  You buy this book (to the tune of $19.99.)  The description reads, “The Elf on the Shelf: A Birthday Tradition tells the little-known story of the North Pole birthday tradition.

Do you know why it’s a “little-known story?” Carol Aebersold and Chanda Bell?

Because you made it up.

If you purchase this moronic book you can read about how your Christmas elf can pay you a visit to wish you “Happy birthday.”

No.  I don't want you to come, you dick.  Stay home and like make toys or something....

No. I don’t want you to come, you dick. Stay home and like make toys or something….

Apparently with the book you get an outfit for the elf as he is wearing a cone hat and a cupcake when he arrives.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and go back where you came from.

Fuck you Elf. Take your cupcake tutu and stay the hell out of here until December.

So it’s not enough that these bitches have single-handedly ruined the joys of preparing for Christmas.  It’s not enough that we have to wake up in a cold sweat night after December night – realizing that we forgot to hide the dumb elf.

We have played your reindeer games and you have made a fortune off of us.  You dangled that little carrot and said “Buy this elf at Christmas and watch the joy and magic that your children will enjoy!” And because we are a generation of parents that will do anything – ANYTHING to make these brats happy – we played along.

But that’s not enough for you money hungry twats.

Now they want to ruin birthdays too!!  You want a piece of the action on birthdays now?

Haha! We are rich and you are poor!! Have fun hiding that doll you imbeciles!!

Here are the authors at the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade.  I think they are saying  “Haha! We are very rich and you are very poor and stupid. Have fun hiding that doll every night for the next month you imbeciles! “

I hope to God that nobody is buying this birthday book.

I hope to God that at some point that we will all come to our senses and say “enough is enough.”

We do too much for these kids as it is for birthdays, and I include myself in the category of excessive over-the-top birthday parties fueled by Pinterest overload.

We have to stop this overindulgence.

December is just around the corner.

One month is enough for this messy, annoying, pole-dancing, flour-angel making, lazy piece of shit.

Please join me in boycotting the “Birthday Elf.”



11 responses »

  1. Well this cracked me up! I’m with u!

  2. My Sunday evening is not complete without your blog…you never disappoint! So funny.

  3. So you go through more planning and work for you kid’s birthday party than I did for my dissertation, and yet you freak out at a come-on to a birthday elf? I think the secret in “Goopville” is to make the other mom’s think you do all that work, but don’t actually do it. Bribe the kids with a shopping trip to Manhattan, say with ten bucks at FAO schwartz, IF they tell the other moms that they went to the opera matinee.

  4. My kids have no idea who this asshole elf is and the power he wields over the masses and I intend to keep it that way for as long as possible!

  5. I must be a shitty mother, we never even got the Elf on a Shelf at Christmas.

  6. I will go even further and boycott the stupid elf at Christmas. The women who invented this atrocity live where I am. That stupid elf is a competitive sport almond some moms here. I personally like the pages dedicated to the elf participating in all kinds of naughty/illegal stuff. I have enough to do without messing my home up on purpose for elf shenanigans.

  7. I saw a commercial for this on TV and was like “what the fucking fuck!” The kids saw it too – I told them our Elf is too busy to visit on their birthday. I don’t want to wish their childhood away but I’ll be really happy with the whole Christmas/Santa/Elf bullshit is over.

  8. Hilarious. I saw this book this week and thought the same thing.

  9. Pingback: WHAT I LEARNED IN 2014 | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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