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The Sleepover

Nothing good can come of this little tradition.

I remember my first sleepover like it was yesterday.  My best friend in fifth grade invited me.  We set up our sleeping bags in the basement, her Dad gave us bowls of Doritos and Cheetos and cups of soda, and then he pressed play on the VCR.

Nightmare on Elm Street played.  I tried to keep my composure while people’s bodies were ripped to shreds.

Watching Johnny Depp get murdered and turned into a bloody geyser was not really my cup of tea ...

Watching Johnny Depp get murdered and turned into a bloody geyser was not really my cup of tea …

When it was time to go to sleep I cried and my father had to come pick me up.

After a few tries I got the hang of it but I never really loved it.  People’s houses had litter boxes that smelled, and dog hair all over their couches, sometimes my friend would have a mean older sibling or a scary parent.  Sometimes dinner would be something disgusting that I couldn’t possibly eat and sometimes I forgot my pillow or needed a blanket and the choices presented were not to my standards.

Later, I learned to ignore all of that in order to enjoy the perks of the sleepover.  Most of my friend’s parents didn’t care what we did  were not home at the time    were out to dinner a lot    where the fuck were the parents? were not as strict as mine.  The perks of the sleepovers included drinking gin from my friend’s mother’s liquor cabinet, inviting boys over, sneaking out, and never sleeping because we were calling boys on a private phone line that was installed in mine and all of my friends’ bedrooms.

"You hang up..." "No - you hang up.."

“You hang up…”
“No – you hang up..”

One time I slept at a friend’s house and we ended up in a room over her garage drinking Purple Passion and calling boys to come over.  A boy who I had been in love with since he moved to my street in the fourth grade agreed to come with some of his friends. While we waited for their arrival we laughed so hard at something that I peed in my pants.

When he finally showed up ready to make out – I had to remain aloof and seated at all times for fear that he would realize that my pants were completely soaked.

Tastes like grape soda going down - but shortly thereafter your life will be ruined and you will be vomiting like never before....

DAMN YOU PURPLE PASSION! Tastes like grape soda going down – but shortly thereafter your life will be ruined and you will be vomiting and pissing your pants  like never before….

This weekend Sam’s friends (2nd graders) were having a Halloween night sleepover and didn’t invite him.  Although I was heartbroken for him while he tried to hold back tears, I was secretly relieved to not have the dilemma of having to send him or not.   “Well – we had plans to see your cousins after trick-treating,” I reasoned with him about the sleepover.

“I could have seen my cousins and you could have dropped me off for the sleepover!” he said.

“Well – you would be tired Sam – and probably nervous to sleep away from your mother! You don’t want to sleep away from your mother do you?”

I peered into his soul and willed him to agree that he could never lay his head down on a strange pillow miles away from his loving mother.

“Well…..I love you but……..I wouldn’t mind.” he answered softly.

It was as though someone had shot me with a gun directly into my heart....

It was as though someone had shot me with a gun directly into my heart….

He wouldn’t mind???

He must not know the perils of sleeping over someone’s house!!  There could be processed foods filled with red dye and high fructose corn syrup!! There could be soda!! There could be Freddy Krueger and old stale gin!


He must not have seen the episode of Beverly Hills 90210 when sweet innocent Midwestern Brenda Walsh invited Kelly and Donna for a sleepover and and Kelly’s edgy friend Amanda was there and made everyone play “Skeletons in the Closet.” Kelly ended up talking about getting raped and by the end of the sleepover they all realized that Amanda was addicted to diet pills!

Does that sound fun?? I don’t think so.

Sam doesn’t know how easy it is to be mean at sleepovers. He wouldn’t feel comfortable being in an environment where everyone is trashing someone else. For some reason it’s just so easy to prey on a weak and helpless person at a sleepover and spend the night cruelly making fun of them.


Sam must not realize that sometimes when you think there is going to be sleep involved at said “sleep-over” it’s just a cover for a secret adventure.

Sometimes when someone says “Bring a sleeping bag and we will sleep outside in my back yard.” in fact they don’t intend to let you sleep in their backyard at all.

Do these boys look like they are sleeping to you? Nope - they are searching through the woods for a dead body.

Do these boys look like they are sleeping to you? Nope – they are just carrying their sleeping bags while they search through the woods for a dead body.

I don’t want to let my children sleep without me!!

Really nothing important or good comes of sleeping in someone else’s home.  Let’s face it.

The sleepover is never really safe.  It will always be loaded with fears and anxieties.

Even as adults, there are drawers involved for your toothbrush and personal items and certain protocols that have to happen.  Going home after the sleepover can be akward and sad…..

They don’t call going home after an adult sleepover “The walk of shame” for nothing people.


Let’s just nip this all in the bud right now.

I am not letting my children sleep away from me until they are 21 years old.

If anyone is looking for the Gaga’s – we will be home in our own beds....where we belong!!!






8 responses »

  1. I agree!!! My kids are NEVER sleeping away from home! Loved your post, as always (;

  2. I’m gonna assume that this was satire and you aren’t serious. My experience with sleepovers was mostly positive. Certainly as we got older it was more adventurous and things happened like alcohol and boys. But my younger years would never have been complete without them.
    I also think it’s an important experience to learn how to sleep somewhere else for their futures,and hopefully not being ocd kids. …
    In any case, I understand if this is the satire and I know I’ll have anxiety about it all when mine are old enough, but I know it will be an important right of passage, with their right group of friends.

  3. Fortunately, my son has only stayed at my sister’s house. I completely understand not wanting your son to sleep at someone else’s house. It’s creepy.

  4. You find the best gifs for this stuff.

    Freddy Kruger was at my first sleepover too. And I feel you. Only bad things happen.

  5. I don’t like the sleepover thing either. It either means I have 1 or more extra kids at my house for the night (which…who wants that?) or my kids are off doing things I don’t know about at someone else’s house. Like the time my daughter was 14 and she stayed at someone’s house and we got a call at 1 in the morning from the police saying they found her and her friends playing duck-duck-goose (???) in the field of an elementary school. When the police brought them back to the girl’s house, the parents slept through the cops pounding on the door. That’s when the cops called us. Yeah. Not a fan of sleepovers.

  6. I couldn’t have said it better myself! Nothing good can come of these even if the 90210 sleepover looks like something I might enjoy doing right this very second. By myself.

  7. Well now that was fun! And very relatable…

  8. Pingback: This Helicopter is going down… | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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