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Kids just wanna have Runs

I don’t know if it’s because I am late to join the running world or not, but it seems to me that everyone I know is training for some sort of half-marathon or at the very least a 5k.

People in the workout world often deem it necessary to “cross-train” which means adding to their Cross-Fit or their Hot Yoga or their Tennis with an ungodly amount of running.  They join marathons and triatholons and Polar Bear plunges.

I am admittedly not a “runner,” but I have come a long way.  When Michael was about to turn four years old – I signed him up for a running program where he could potentially run around a track once, maybe twice, and (in my naive little idiotic brain) GET TIRED.

He ran two miles without stopping the first day. …so that backfired.

But it actually made me realize that I should probably be able to run as much as a preschooler – and at the time – I couldn’t.

So now – five years later I am doing my 3 mile run, two or three times a week.

My major motivation for this?

I want to drink a vat a glass of wine daily and not feel too bad about it.  Possibly a cookie.  Possibly a chip.  Possibly something with a lot of cheese and carbs…I mean the list is endless of the foods and beverages that I would like to consume daily.

It’s a problem.

So that’s why I am doing it.

But WHY? May I ask …are these people running 26 miles?

This guy is clearly a huge douchebag - Ok yes - he has 8-pack abs and apparently ran 26 miles in a short time period - big fucking deal...Would he be fun at a party? I don't think so.

This guy is clearly a huge douchebag – Ok yes – he has 8-pack abs and apparently ran 26 miles in a short time period – big fucking deal…Would he be fun at a party? I don’t think so.

So – of course – it’s not enough to just run our own bodies.  We have to run our children’s bodies as well, in an effort to complete the circle of perfection.

With all of the “type-A” in my town – it only makes sense that there would be a town-wide 5 mile relay for children.  It’s perfectly reasonable that the children invited to participate would be ages 2!!!! to twelve! (insert emoticon laughing so hard it’s crying here.)

And so Michae,l being a “joiner” – joined and then me being a Type A mom that makes fun of other Type A moms – made him practice.

Well – I mean he can’t very well run over a mile quickly without a little practice!!

And after a couple of runs where I jogged next to him with a stopwatch- barking out commands and warnings that walking or slowing down would “let down his team” or ” make his team lose,” we were ready.


The day of the relay, Michael rolled out of bed at 7:00 am when I woke him and came downstairs to eat a breakfast of eggs and bacon and was ready and out the door on time for his 7:45 call time at the town hall.  When the relay started,  Michael did an amazing job – without stopping once to catch his breath or walk.

While other children in town were sleeping, eating pop-tarts, and playing video games my child was running over a mile.

His team came in as one of the top ten teams.

We were very excited at the finish line – and I immediately asked one of the volunteers where we could see the times and standings.

A woman offered us a banana and said “Oh no – the kids’ race doesn’t have a winner.”

I wanted to flip the banana-stand over and demand a recount but I also wanted to play it cool and pretend I was normal so I just casually said – “So, where can we just find the list of the times?”

She did a little fake smile that let me know that in her head she was thinking “Here’s another Goopville fucking lunatic mother.”

and said, “we don’t keep track of the children’s times.”

and handed us this:

They handed us a dog tag chain that said "Goopville Relay."  And what should we do with that?

They handed us a dog tag chain that said “Goopville Relay.” And what the fuck should we do with this? Can we lord this over others? Does this say you are one of the top ten runners in this town??? NO. NO IT DOESN”T.

We resolved to say “If we had fun – we won.”  ( A common theme amongst childhood sporting events in modern day America.) However – when children go above and beyond, when they chose to join a community activity and they excel ….should they not receive some recognition?  Even if it’s just their name and time on a board?   Something that shows that they were there and they completed this challenge?

Have we become so used to the “everybody gets a trophy” mentality – that even when you go above and beyond you cannot receive recognition?

Have we been so overly-sensitive for children who might not be that athletic, or not that much of a joiner ? Have we made their life journies  super-comfy and safe and easy – and in the mean-time forgotten about praise and accolades?

I don’t expect that my children will come in first place at the Science Fair, and I don’t expect that they will win first place in the local tennis tournament, or even the baseball championships.  Some other child, who has put in 10,000 hours or has a natural ability or is a genius, will earn those ribbons and medals.  And what’s wrong with that? They deserve accolades! FOR BEING THE BEST AT SOMETHING!

My son’s relay team came in 6th place.  They weren’t first, but they were in the top ten and they deserve to be given their time and whatever comes with beating out the other 90 percent of runners in their town.


We have to remember that many children in today’s society are slovenly, lazy creatures that only care about Minecraft and completing virtual levels and beating virtual games!

Any children that are in the out of doors competing with real live humans should be rewarded!!

Last week – I heard through the grapevine that a group of Type A Goopville moms created a “kids running club” in their neighborhood.  The head mom was in charge of gathering the children on their quiet street and guiding them to run certain routes and lengths.

When an elderly neighbor saw the group of children running wild in the streets – she was very taken aback.

She hadn’t likely seen active children moving their bodies in the sunshine for decades!!

So she did what any logical adult would do in the year 2014 if they saw a group of children outside being active.

She called 911.

GOOPVILLE RESIDENTS ALERT!! If you see something like this in your neighborhood - call the police right away!!!

GOOPVILLE RESIDENTS ALERT!! If you see something like this in your neighborhood – call the police right away!!!

The Goopville police had to actually come and address the “situation” of children running around in the street!

I mean between the mediocre response when you make a huge effort and the over-the-top response you get from a mediocre effort and the elderly citizens trying to get active children arrested, it’s no wonder that all of today’s kids don’t lock themselves in the basement with a lifetime supply of baked goods and play Grand Theft Auto all day and night.








8 responses »

  1. She called 9…1…1? Are you shitting me? Were they overturning cars, lighting fires, and pushing down old ladies? Baby Buddah on a biscuit, what are we about these days?

    For my (albeit crazy) ears, you sound reasonable in an unreasonable world.

  2. Great blog. You had me giggling, nodding my head, and then shaking it. 911? Seriously?

    I’ll gladly vote for you once I figure all this blogging business out. I’m still just a newbie :/

  3. ***This guy is clearly a huge douchebag – Ok yes – he has 8-pack abs and apparently ran 26 miles in a short time period – big fucking deal…Would he be fun at a party? I don’t think so.***

    fantastic line!!!!!!! haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

  4. lol I officially love this blog

  5. lol thank you so much… you always make me laugh out loud… so thankful to have found your blog.

  6. Maybe they don’t want to discourage kids who get low scores to prevent them from giving up on doing it again and therefore turning into yet another pop tart eating lazy ass. BUT how awesome that your guy got out there! I think I like my pop tarts too much.

  7. Reblogged this on flemingwrite and commented:
    Posh really


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