Some of you are not going to like this.
My mother’s generation fought for the rights of women.
I grew up feeling powerful and equal as a result. I watched Geraldine Ferraro running for President of the United States and I believed that I could grow up and be anything and anyone.
I was a bright child and once I realized that, I was certain that the world was my oyster.
Well, my oyster definitely did not include grocery shopping and playdates….and fast forward a decade or two. Looks like the joke’s on me.
I never ran for president.
I never even tried to climb a corporate ladder.
I just worked and did what I wanted to do and then I married Mr. Gaga and then I had kids.
And now that I work sometimes part-time and sometimes full-time, I have realized that this working thing….this “let’s be equals thing”….it’s not all that.
You cannot do it all.
Something has to give.
It is nearly impossible to find balance and satisfy yourself, your family, your husband AND empty the dishwasher.
There are just not enough hours in the day.
I mean is staying home and doing nothing so bad?
And let me just tell you what suffers when you are a working woman:
#1 – SLEEP
When you work and maintain a household – sleep is the first thing to go. When I think back when I was home with the kids not working, I remember struggling to get the kids to preschool by 9:00 AM!!! I also recall luxurious afternoons of napping and reading a magazine on the couch.
When I am working, I have to set an alarm to wake up before the kids in order to get shit done. Then after they go to bed at night I have a million things to do that I couldn’t accomplish during the day. I end up going to bed at midnight. My undereye circles are darkening more and more each day. I look horrible and feel horrible.
Thanks a lot women’s libbers.
#2 – WORKING MAKES YOU FAT
So I have a choice each morning.
I can wake up early, get the kids ready for school, and pack a bag for the gym which includes work clothes, and hair and makeup supplies. I can speed to the gym, get in a quick workout, shower at the gym and rush to work never looking quite right, with sweat still glistening on my brow.
Or I can stay home, throw in some laundry, clean up the breakfast dishes, empty the dishwasher, pick up Mr. Gaga’s dry-cleaning, etc.
If I choose the house maintenance this adds to my muffin top growth, yet if I don’t- Mr. Gaga threatens to wear my thong underwear to work.
It’s a real catch-22.
If you wait to work out when you get home from work, then you have to really be organized about dinner and after school activities and be sure that your husband will be home so that you can scramble to your class at the gym and then you miss dinner with your family so you feel guilty about that, and then when you get home you’re met with a sink full of dishes and nobody has done their homework.
So most times you will just come home from work and say “Fuck this shit.” aloud to anyone who’s listening and pour yourself some wine – which also perpetuates the muffin top.
So it’s a never-ending cycle of fat and doom.
Mr. Gaga will be the first to tell you that I suck at laundry.
But I do understand and appreciate the importance of clean clothes.
I might be able to throw some laundry into the washer and it might get into the dryer before it starts smelling like mildew – but if I am working – then that’s where the laundering ends.
This morning, when I was digging throw the clean clothes trying to find Sam’s football uniform, I thought to myself – I really have to fold these clothes tonight after a long day of work…(on a Sunday.) I felt a pang of guilt and shame that I would let the laundry get to this point.
After breakfast, I came upstairs to get ready for work and caught Mr. Gaga looking for socks.
#4 BODILY FUNCTIONS
I may or may not have to go to the bathroom sometimes. When that occasion arises it is imperative that nobody is home and I have peace and tranquility. Well if you have to get ready for work, and go to the gym in a hurried frenzy or run errands quickly before arriving at your place of employment – there’s no peace, there’s no tranquility and there’s quite frankly no time.
Now the choice is do you perform human bodily functions at your place of employment?
So then by the time you get home from work and do everything that needs doing – often you have missed your window of opportunity.
I said it.
Working women are constipated.
So now we are fat AND bloated.
#5 – GROCERIES
So between the working and the child rearing and the “having it all” – who the fuck has time for the grocery shopping?
Please refer back to #1 – WORKING MAKES YOU FAT.
There’s just no time for grocery shopping at all – let alone healthy choices and proper meal planning. Sometimes if I forgo the gym I will actually make dinner in the morning!! before work.
Or sometimes after a long day of work – you can find me blindly throwing shit into my cart in a frantic race to get home, making bad choices and growing my muffin-top.
And guess what’s another option when you are bleary-eyed and beaten down by “the man?”
#6 – PERSONAL GROOMING
Who has time for a manicure or pedicure when you are working?
How about time to cover up gray roots that make you look like your 65 years old?
There’s NO time for any sort of grooming or maintenance when you have children, and a household and work. Suddenly before you know it – you look like Grizzly Adams.
When you are a stay-at-home mom – you have time to look at yourself in the mirror and realize that your beard and moustache are rivaling the stars of Duck Dynasty.
You also have time to address any other private hair removals that might need tending to.
A friend told me recently that she no longer had time for her bikini wax due to her busy work schedule.
“I have a huge bush right now!!” she said with disgust, “If anyone ever asks me what the huge bulge in my pants is – I will have to say ‘I am a working woman!”
In closing – I know some of you might feel like this post is setting back women.
You might think that I am thinking of trivial and vain matters like moustache removal and laundry folding, when there are important topics to discuss as women.
I don’t care.
I am a woman, and sometimes a little femininity doesn’t hurt. Sometimes it’s nice to look good and feel good and take a fucking nap. There’s a reason why Donna Reed didn’t have a beard and an abdomen filled with poop.
She didn’t fucking work.
Sometimes I think we should all consider what we have given up.
I said it.
I AM TOTALLY MENTALLY READY FOR SOME HATERS THIS WEEK — IN THE MEANTIME – IT’S FUNNY – SO CLICK THE BANNER BELOW!!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA