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True Colors Revealed


There are many things about modern-day motherhood that I don’t enjoy.

I started this blog because I was sick of everyone pretending that everything about having a baby was all rosy and delightful.  I was sick of seeing mothers post how “blessed” they were every two seconds on Facebook.

I was sick of people saying “I love being pregnant!” and “I gave birth in my bathtub and it was amazing!

When women get pregnant for the first time they feel very pressured to enjoy all of the maternal joys of pregnancy, and go into this whole motherhood thing expecting an instant bond with their baby and a feeling of bliss.  When that doesn’t happen – they feel like failures and often spiral into a deep depression.

I blame all of those twats who never mention anything truthful for this.  They don’t want to mention anything unpleasant for fear of admitting to us and themselves that they are not perfect.

Now in a new twist of horror – these unknowing mothers-to-be are so excited! to be having a baby! that they are doing photoshoots, cards, and social media announcements to let the world know about the gender of their child.

This momentous occasion that used to just be an ultrasound tech telling you whether they saw a dick or not at your check-up is now dubbed the “gender reveal.”

I really cannot tell you how I want to murder these idiots.

First of all, I just look at them and think -“These morons have no clue what they are in for.”

Pregnant woman with husband playing to be pregnant

Ok dude – you are totally NOT pregnant and putting a throw pillow under your shirt is not cute – you look like a huge douche.

 

Instead of doing some assholic photoshoot they should be enjoying their baby-free days.  These poor people don’t understand the value of a little something called “FREE TIME.”

You have time to take pictures holding pink balloons and pretending that your husband is pregnant?

How about you run for your life to the mall – a place that you will never go to again without a stroller and a screaming child.

Or how about a little something called a nap? Because you can pretty much kiss those goodbye for approximately 18 years.

Nope, these jerk-offs will just waste money and time hiring fancy photographers to capture this special announcement in all types of clever ways.

Look at these two asshats….

Go inside and watch a fucking movie and take a nap!!! You are going to be doing pinatas for the next eight years!!

Go inside and watch a fucking movie and take a nap!!! You are going to be doing pinatas for the next eight years!!

 

And what is up with these husbands? Why are they going along with this?  Does the guy in the pinata picture have a bandana on around his neck??  Mr. Gaga saw this and said “That guy should forget the photoshoots and try to have some sex…because he’s not going to have any of that for a while….”

It is all very absurd and embarrassing -but on top of that, it’s an all-time low for narcissists.

I mean do people think that we care that much about the gender of their baby??

The nerve of them.

Filling up my Facebook feed and my mailbox with this bullshit!!

Do you think that because you are having a newborn child that has the necessary chromosomal makeup to make him a male – that warrants you gluing a huge brown mustache to your walls?

To top it off you shall stand next to said “wall mustache” holding a little stick with a little miniature black mustache on it – placed over your belly carefully implying that your newborn baby is such a male that he has a mustache??

Get a fucking hold of yourselves people.

Oh your little cute embroyo is the size of a pomegranate??                   I don't know how to tell you this....NOBODY  FUCKING CARES!

Oh your little cute embryo is the size of a pomegranate?? I don’t know how to tell you this….Nobody fucking cares.

 

Some of this stuff is just plain offensive.  I mean it’s actually a small newborn innocent child and I am sure he or she would not the world talking about his or her privates.

So you want your friends and family to pretend that their huge finger is your newborn child's penis?

So you want your friends and family to pretend that their huge finger is your newborn child’s penis? You are a sick puppy.

 

And then there’s the masochists.  These people just have no clue how torturous their life will be so they do stupid shit that makes a huge mess.  Little do they know they will not have clean clothing or surfaces of any kind for years to come.  They don’t know that they will be on their hands and knees scrubbing floors and tubs and wiping up vomit and diarrhea everyday – so they think they are very hip and cute when they destroy their clothing with a special photo session called a “gender reveal paint fight.”

During this photo sesh – the couple throw paint at each other in the color depicting the gender of the baby while the photographer clicks away – capturing this special moment.

Look at these two dicks…

ht_paint_fight_1_mi_130327_blog

paintfight3

paintfight4

paint-fight5

 

 

For the love of Jesus – what the fuck is wrong with everyone? Has everyone just lost their minds entirely?

I just cannot imagine telling Mr. Gaga that I was going to go in the back yard and douse him with paint while I paid a photographer to take his picture.  After splattering his face with paint – I would rub my huge pasty fat body on him and then request that he put his hands into the shape of a heart on my belly.  And then SURPRISE! GENDER REVEAL! I would post the pictures on Facebook for all of the world to see.

That would be called in the Gaga household a little event called “DIVORCE PAPERS REVEAL.”

I cannot urge you pregnant social media mavens enough.  Put down the paintbrushes and the pinata sticks and the cameras.

Enjoy your pregnancy as much as possible.  Do not waste ANY time!!

In a few short months – life as you know it will be forever changed, and you will look back and wish that you had that hour back that you spent splattering your husband with paint.

Go to the movies.

Get a massage.

Go to dinner.

Take a long walk.

Anything is better than posting on Facebook an embarrassing picture of you and your significant other.

 

You fucking assholes.....

You fucking assholes…..

Well - I have whipped cream and what looks like a period on my face...It's a GIRL!!!!

Well – I have whipped cream and what looks like a period on my face…It’s a GIRL!!!!

 

IF YOU HAVE COUNTLESS HOURS TO KILL GET ANOTHER JOB OR DONATE YOUR TIME TO A LOCAL CHARITY – ANYTHING IS BETTER THAN THROWING SHIT AT YOUR HUSBAND AND TAKING PICTURES OF IT….CLICK THE LINK BELOW PLEASE!! XO, LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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22 responses »

  1. I enjoyed your commentary! INDULGENT photos!!!!! There is some serious peer pressure to do a pinterest-worthy gender reveal. I feel like I just missed it (or was oblivious) with my first 4 years ago, and too sleep deprived to care for my 2nd. The 21 weeks one – what is up with the mustache – its a boy, not magnum p.i. — Hilarious post!

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  2. Wow! I am literally laughing so hard I have tears running down my cheeks! This is my favorite post of yours so far. You’ve got my vote 🙂

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  3. I hate these people!!!! My least favorite thing to see in my newsfeed are effing sonogram pictures!!! Not only are they annoying, but stupid! Ever notice all the numbers and letters and medical jargon at the top of those sonogram pics? That’s medical code… Sometimes your social security # is on there!!! And your “estimated date of conception (EDC)” So not only are you posting pictures of your insides, but you are also giving FB a disturbing visual of your “EDC” and begging for your identity to be stolen…. Dummies!

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  4. I am crying from laughing so hard. Even got the husband to read it and now I can’t stop laughing at him laughing.

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  5. I’m just glad I discovered Pinterest after I gave birth to my kids!

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  6. One of your best posts ever.

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  7. I love those cards that say “insert finger here.” I can think of so many chuckle-worthy responses inside that would make you pee your pants. Forget the birth announcement!!

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  8. This is absolutely hysterical!!!! Made my night 🙂

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  9. It is a long time since I read anything with such, varied, interesting and precise use of expletives – from the first twat to the final shit it was worthy of Steve Martin – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=w7z5wJZ7UgY – thank you for brightening up my morning.
    Baby announcements are not so flamboyant in my facebook feed (or people don’t post them to me), at least not yet.

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  10. hilarious and DEAD ON….

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  11. I really ADORE how honest and 100% on POINT you are about this nonsense. I’m so glad that I’m old enough (and far away enough from anyone within breeding age) to politely decline the shower invitations. Luckily, my cousins aren’t into this riDICKulousness – all I got from them was the arrival announcement with “normal” picture of baby dressed in something cute (i.e. nothing with goo, blood or placenta all over the fucking place). Ew. Just grossed myself out! LOL

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  12. this is so f’in funny. I can’t stop laughing. Luckily, I have never received a finger dick birth announcement.

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  13. Lady G, wanna be my soul sister? I write in my blog never b/c I’m a working mom, due with my 2nd next Friday and I prefer to spend any free time hiding out in my bathroom with magazines, but my last blog post pretty much agrees with everything you just said.

    http://trendlessgaldiary.wordpress.com/

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  14. So funny!! Loved your post!

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  15. I was always fascinated by the fetal development, but I never expected anyone else to be.

    Pregnant women are incredibly self-absorbed, and really, I was no exception.

    But I wonder if people don’t understand how stupid some of this is until they’ve had one or two.

    I loved growing my babies, but hated being pregnant. Pregnancy blows.

    Reply
  16. I would love to show this to every single on of my friends. But then I wouldn’t have any left.

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  17. www.smashleyashley.com

    hahahahahah This was hilarious! You are my type of gal! AND…what the FUCK is up with that ‘place your finger in the hole’ card?!!?!? That is beyond disturbing! Great post! xo- Crazy Life of Smash!

    Reply
  18. This is hilarious!!! and so true. Love your honesty. Wish I could show this to all the idiots over the years who have subjected my husband and I to their baby bullshit. Best read I’ve had in a long time!

    Reply
  19. “Well – I have whipped cream and what looks like a period on my face…It’s a GIRL!!!” omg….you’re saying what so many are thinking…and I still think I would enjoy shoving a pie like that in my husband’s face to find out if our baby was a boy or a girl. Or you know, just because.

    Reply
  20. haha omg this cracked me up I just read on fb my friend is finding out the sex of of her second pregnancy then doing a gender revel photo shoot, Im thinking WTF realy? or am I just a bitter and twisted parent? wish I could block her. I ve had 2 children #1 hyperemesis gravidarum until 17 weeks tramatic birth, couldnt bf and undiagnosed postnatal depression
    #2 heaving bleeding at 10wks thought m/c, hypermesis gravidarum right unil birth low irion and low blood pressures.Now after birth have developed hashimoto thyroiditis amd hypothyroidism. I love my kids but pregnancy is shit lol

    Reply
  21. Pingback: Pregos Say the Darndest things…. | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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