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Shit that makes me late for work that my husband doesn’t know how to do.


Between 2 long work days and various social obligations that included a sleepover with college friend, I pretty much left Mr. Gaga alone with the kids all weekend.  Friday morning I woke up early with my mind swirling.

Before I left the house I would need to pack my belongings and additionally I would have to “prep” everything so that things could run smoothly in the Gaga household without me.

I shoot out of bed in the mornings with lists forming before my feet even hit the floor of all of the little tasks that need to be completed.  While I come out of bed guns blazin’ ready to accomplish a lot, Mr. Gaga has more leisurely mornings that basically include one thing….

toilet

 

Imagine just waking up and only thinking about your bowels?? How luxurious!

Working women today are lucky that they have the opportunity to work- however, we don’t really have the luxury of being a working mother and turn off our stay at home mom brain.  Most men don’t think like us.  They don’t pay attention to detail.

Put simply – we have to do it all.

As I ran around frantically trying to remember everything and carefully lay out everything the kids might need for the next 48 hours, I was running out of time, and I was going to be late for work.  I started weighing whether I could leave certain tasks undone and rely on Mr. Gaga to complete them.  It was then that I realized that there is quite a bit that Mr. Gaga can’t or simply won’t do.

Here’s a list of some mom shit that Mr. Gaga ain’t got no time for:

#1 – Running the dishwasher:

Mr. Gaga might actually empty it.  There’s no way in hell he’s going to recognize that it’s full, lean over, fill it with detergent and run it.

One of his favorite activities is to rearrange the dishwasher.  I throw everything into the racks haphazardly trying to move on with my day, and run the bitch,  Not Mr. Gaga.

He will actually rearrange my loading work for a full twenty minutes.  He will line everything up neatly and make more room for dirty dishes, while yelling out “Who loaded this? Ray Charles?”

I decided I better run it Friday morning and lo and behold when I came home Sunday afternoon I had to run and load it again.

#2 – Wrapping a gift:

Sam had to go to a birthday party on Saturday night.  I had already secured the card and gift because Lord knows that Mr. Gaga has never even purchased a card or gift for his own children let alone somebody else’s.  

I was rushing up the stairs to hop into the shower and I laid eyes on the gift in the foyer.  I didn’t really have time to wrap it.  

Could Mr. Gaga wrap a gift? Would he wrap a gift?

I stopped on the stairs and had a vision of Sam showing up with a slip n’ slide under his arm with no card.

I wrapped it.

#3 Bathing:

When I hopped in the shower I made a mental note to remind Mr. Gaga to make sure the kids had showers.  This man has been known to “forget” to put them in the shower.   He has been known to say if they play in the sprinkler or hose, or especially if they go in a pool then that “counts as a shower.”

#4 – Wash and dry clothing:

When I got out of the shower and started getting dressed – it occurred to me that I had left Michael’s baseball uniform in the laundry.  Would Mr. Gaga think about this three days ahead of time and be sure to wash and dry the uniform so it would be ready for Sunday?

The answer was clearly no – so I ran downstairs to throw a load of laundry in.

#5 – Lay out appropriate clothing:

Faced with the laundry I thought – I better put out some clothes for the kids to wear otherwise Sam will arrive at his party looking like a lunatic.  Mr. Gaga generally has no regard for what is proper and acceptable attire at any given time.  He will let the children wear mismatch clothing that a homeless person would wear and think nothing of it.  He does that with the kids, because he actually does it for himself as well.

I put out fresh clean and matching clothes for the weekend for each child.  Mr. Gaga would obviously have to fend for himself.   This morning he had a football game to attend and then came home in a rush so that we could all head out to Michael’s baseball game.  I wasn’t paying attention and it wasn’t until we were halfway there that I looked down at his feet.

“What the fuck are you doing??” I screamed.

I startled him from his driving, “What?” he yelled back.

Are you wearing a fucking shower shoe with a sock to your son’s game?

showershoe

He sure as shit was.

#6 – Eating healthy food:

I left homemade eggplant parm, pasta, and pizza for my family to enjoy on Friday night.  There were cold cuts for sandwiches and fruit.  I was confident that Mr. Gaga could at least figure out something for Saturday night.

“What did you guys eat for dinner last night?” I asked Sam this morning.

“Wings and onion rings sandwiches.” he answered promptly.

I mean really?? 

Is it so hard to understand basic health and diet guidelines established by the USDA?

This is the food pyramid in Mr. Gaga’s mind looks like:

USDA_Food_Pyramidedit

#7 – Watching appropriate programming:

When I was running out the door, I remembered that the library books were due as well the Harry Potter DVD that we borrowed.  I sent a text to Mr. Gaga to return the DVD and have the kids pick out another movie if they wanted to.

How hard of a task could that be?

Well it seems that they thoroughly enjoyed the movie that Mr. Gaga suggested for them.  When I returned they were saying weird things to me, like “Your mom goes to college,” and “Are you going to eat your tots?”

It sounded familiar.

Then I was drinking water and Sam said this:

nap2

 

“You let them watch Napoleon Dynamite??” I yelled at Mr. Gaga.  “Really??”

And he said:

 

napoleon

 

Like we don’t have enough snarky one-liners around here. 

Thank God I am home now so everything can go back to normal!!!

I AM LUCKY TO HAVE A GREAT HUSBAND WHO HOLDS DOWN THE FORT FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, BUT HE’S JUST NEVER GOING TO BE LADY GOO GOO GAGA!!!  CLICK THE BANNER BELOW PLEASE!! XO LADY GOO GOO GAGA

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6 responses »

  1. Thank you! I just found your blog, while looking for ways to keep my sanity while being a new
    Mom of twins. Your blog is just what I needed to get me through this weekend!

    Reply
  2. Omg, you had me dabbing my eyes laughing so hard and relating so well. MI CASA ES SU CASA, sister! I think our husbands forage from the same food pyramid. And they need to develop a pyramid for mismatched clothing, among other things. Thank you for an awesome post.

    Reply
  3. OMG my head was spinning! It’s bad enough I had to deal with Jar-Jar speak after my son saw that trash up until he went to high school (and it mysteriously, and thankfully, stopped!) – I could not imagine little tykes running around rolling their eyes and spewing Napoleon Dynamite one-liners (GAWD!). Hilarious, but only if you’re NOT the mom… 😉

    Reply
  4. My husband once called me from work, because our SIXTH baby wouldn’t stop crying. I started down the list, skipping the top three, because, hello, experienced dad, right? Nope. Finally I asked when the last time was that the baby ate?

    Oh, eating! Yeah, He realized that he should probably feed him.

    To my credit, I didn’t beat him with my breast pump when I got home.

    Reply
  5. I heard you have a new name based on the said movie Mr. Gaga rented…..classic!!

    Reply

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