This week I am taking a staycation which will include lots of wine and lots of beach time.
Just as a precaution I am reposting the BEACH RULES that I devised last summer.
They are very important and everyone should know them.
People’s behaviors never cease to amaze me. On the beach, and in beach communities there are certain unspoken rules.
I thought I should review a few:
1 – Jellyfish are assholes:
They are a menace to society. They ruin perfectly good swimming time.
They sting small children and send them screaming to their mothers.
Apparently everyone didn’t get the “jellyfish are motherfuckers” memo.
The other day the kids scooped a jellyfish out of the water, dug a hole and were about to dump it in and cover it with sand. A woman stopped them and said “Why would you a murder an animal for no reason?”
After I got done rolling on the ground laughing, I took a huge scoop of dirt and threw it on the jellyfish. Have all humans lost their minds?
I’m sorry did I miss something here? Aren’t jellyfish just lazy blobs of shit that float around waiting for one of their asshole tentacles to brush against someone and ruin his or her day?
Jellyfish are assholes, and so are you if you are trying to save them.
2 – Urine belongs in the ocean:
I was watching my 3-year-old niece on the beach the other day and she announced just as I was settling into my beach chair that she needed to go back to the house to use the potty.
“No, no when you are with Auntie, the ocean is your potty,” I explained.
“No.” she said staring at me blankly. After much talking and going back and forth to the water, Mr. Gaga got her to do it. Thank God.
Unless there is diarrhea threatening I am not leaving the beach.
3 – Groom:
I have mentioned my moustache before, so I know what it’s like to keep up with a never-ending growth of hair in unwanted areas. It is simply imperative that one waxes or trims areas where hair is growing in an out-of-control way that could make a person appear like a bear or gorilla on the beach.
Even if you are fine with wearing a pube sweater to the beach, you should consider how you might affect others.
4 – Sandcastles are valuable real estate owned by others:
This is pretty serious business. When your child works diligently for an hour creating a sand masterpiece and some toddler comes over and eats it or sits on it, that’s considered very rude.
You need to watch your kids and teach them at an early age that they are not allowed to touch other people’s sand structures…It’s basic beach etiquette.
5 – Sand toys are for sharing:
Please don’t come stare me down while I am trying to read US Weekly and ask me if my kids are using your shovel. Um, yeah probably…and who fucking cares?
They probably took it because we have the same shovel as you, and so do the other 500 people on this beach.
If you care this much about your shovel, please don’t sit near me. We will definitely take it and could very possibly break it or send it out to sea. I don’t need this kind of pressure.
6 – Watch your kids, no matter their age:
Believe me I get the whole thing about ignoring your kids once they can swim, it’s like my favorite thing to do. However, when your kids are a little older you have to start watching them a little more.
Although you don’t have to worry that they will drown, you do have to worry that they are huge douche-bags.
The other day, my boys were playing with their blow up jet ski raft and their boogie boards with a friend. Shortly, 2 ten-year-olds came and hijacked the float, tossing the boys into the water and hopping on. The kids struggled to pull the older kids off. I was watching this from my beach chair, when suddenly one of the older kids smashed Sam in the face with the boogie board.
I ran into the water, “Are you insane?” I yelled at the devil child as I ripped the boogie board from his hand.
“Why would you hit a 5 year-old in the face? What’s wrong with you?” I hissed.
“He was tackling me…” he said meekly. “He was tackling you because you took his stuff.” I said between gritted teeth.
“What’s going on here?” I heard then.
I looked up and realized that the devil child’s mother was in the water like a foot away and had allowed this whole thing to go down.
“The problem is that your son smashed my son in the face with a boogie board.” I said.
“Oh.” she responded.
I stormed away.
“Oh?” That’s what you say when your child is complete dick?
How about “Sorry about that, my kid is a total asshole and I am going to speak to him about it.” or how about “I am sorry that I stood just inches away and watched my son smash your son’s face in, I am on some heavy-duty tranquilizers and I cannot respond appropriately.” Either of those would do.
7 – Don’t bring the Ferrari :
Basically the kids deposit large amounts of sand and seaweed and wet shit in and on every inch of my car for the two months when we spend time at the beach.
They lean up on the outside of the car creating areas where their SPF 50 smears onto the paint never to be removed again. Salt and dust eat away at the undercarriage and rots the paint.
When the cars aren’t at the beach parking lot, they are parked in tiny driveways of beach houses that are basically on the street. Imagine my surprise when a day after the douchebag jet ski pirate hit Sam, his (biggest nerd in America) father marched up our driveway.
I braced myself for what this idiot was going to say.
He said that “someone” saw my kids playing in the street and their wagon hit his minivan and left a mark.
He was clearly trying to get me back for calling his kid out on his bad behavior. I was speechless. What should we do about this nerd boy? I apologized like a civilized human but on the inside I was ready to explode.
If you care this much about your
Lamborghini mini-van perhaps the beach isn’t a great place for it, you fucking loser, and please never speak to me again unless someone is on fire.
8 – Umbrella Etiquette:
I can’t figure out if it’s global warming or my skin is just old and literally weathered, but I cannot just sit out and bake like I used to.
I recently have sat under an umbrella for the first time in my decades of beach bathing. As a result, apparently I don’t know how to install a beach umbrella.
I just kind of stuck it in the sand while preparing for my BF to come meet me the other day.
Right when she arrived the umbrella flew with a gust of wind and impaled 50 people. Thankfully, she is an expert at getting people to do things for her, and happens to have strong resemblance to Kim Kardashian.
She retrieved the umbrella from two men that were sitting with their kids. They handed her the umbrella, and she took it gingerly and just stared blankly at them.
“What should I do now?” she asked. “I don’t know how to do this…”
In two seconds flat, both men were digging a huge hole and expertly securing the umbrella. Unfortunately this can’t happen everyday. It’s imperative to know how to work the umbrella as to not murder innocent victims.
9 – Use an umbrella not a small shelter :
So if you want shade, then the umbrella is the obvious choice. If you decide to install a nylon shelter that can house 35 people, then maybe the beach is not for you.
Now my view is blocked completely and I can’t even see my kids if they are drowning because you have decided to put up an event tent at the beach for you and the two other people in your family.
10 – If you see Lady Goo Goo Gaga on the beach, keep it moving:
In closing, I just want to relax. The winters are long here in Connecticut.
I have very few precious days that I can spend luxuriously on the beach.
Don’t torture my kids, don’t tell my kids not to kill animals, don’t ask me about sand toys or tell me you have to pee.