Well this week I decided to take the kids away for a couple of days with my friend, Jane and her children.
I have always heard great things about Hershey Park and I thought it would be a great place for two little boys and for two girlfriends who love chocolate. Every time I told someone we were going – they would tell me how wonderful and magical it was. “The kids will love it!” everyone assured me.
Many people have also suggested more adventurous trips for the two boys – like the Grand Canyon – but I thought this would be a logical first step.
I imagined a magical place with chocolate fountains and everyone told me that as you entered into the town of Hershey you could actually smell chocolate in the air. There were tons of rides for the kids and a water park. Basically it would be a wonderful adventure and would secure my ranking as “Best Mom Ever.”
Ok well first of all as we were getting close to the Hershey gates, after driving for 5 1/2 hours I rolled down my windows with excitement. We all stuck our heads out the car windows. Maybe the factory was closed that day – or maybe fresh landscaping had just occurred but all we smelled was manure.
We were off to a great start.
Off we went to the amusement park. We started off on a few rides and we did one pretty tame rollercoaster. As we got further into the park we realized that several of the rides were closed. On one ride Jane and Michael waited in a half hour-long line before being told that the coaster was broken.
Michael the daredevil of the group, was getting frustrated. We came upon a very unusual ride where you get strapped into what looks like a rollercoaster seat and then you go down a straight rail, practically at the speed of light.
We watched group after group get catapulted forward at lightning speeds into a tunnel out of sight.
“Please!! Please can I do that one?” Michael pleaded.
“Are you sure?” I asked hesitantly as I watched people’s heads jolt back from the excessive speed.
“Yes! Please!” he begged.
I relented and Jane agreed to go on with him.
We watched them get catapulted forward and waited for them to get off the ride. They had disappeared. We peered through the tunnel and under the trees that were blocking our view and I realized with horror that in fact the ride didn’t end with just a straight shot – but instead went on to become one of the most insane rollercoasters I had ever seen in my life.
After that whole fiasco we decided to have lunch and head over to the water park.
This part of the park reminded me of other hellish places I have been where water is squirting out from fifteen million places and a huge bucket above the area fills up with water and then tips over and drenches everyone with a tidal wave. We were hot from milling about in the blazing 90 degree heat, so we thought it would be a good break.
As we approached we soon realized that there would absolutely be no way to watch our children.
The kids chose the longest slide and we agreed to let them go all together up the stairs to wait in line for that particular purple slide and we would wait on the ground for them. The line was long and our skin was burning as we waited for 15 minutes while they ascended the stairs. As I peered around there were a lot of unsavory characters in ill-fitting bathing suits. I slipped off my flip-flops and waded in a cold puddle to cool off, counting the minutes until we could leave this area.
Fifteen more minutes passed and we looked up into the sun trying to find their little bodies on the stairwell. We spotted them and realized they hadn’t moved ahead much.
Another fifteen minutes passed and we could no longer see them and we were starting to get nervous.
“I’m going to go the bottom of the slide to wait for them! This is taking way too long!” I told my friend with despair.
Human beings of all shapes and sizes came one after another shooting out from the slide, but not our children.
Finally, after one hour of waiting we could see our kids right at the top of the stairs, up next to come down the slide. I walked up close so I could get a nice picture of them coming down the long-awaited slide.
But what was this that came shooting down?
This wasn’t one of our children….I took a closer look as a woman came tumbling down on her back in a big splash, legs spread wide……with NO BATHING SUIT BOTTOM ON!!!! She leaned down and grabbed her bottoms that had slipped down around her ankles and pulled it back up.
I almost died.
I looked at my friend in despair – “But wait – I think our kids our next – that means – her bits and pieces just rubbed all the way down the slide!” I screeched in horror.
“Yup,” Jane said laughing as the kids came shooting down, “Here they come in the vagina tunnel…”
That was enough of that.
“Come on kids – a few more rides and then we can go to the Chocolate Museum.” I said wrapping the kids in towels and shuffling them out of the water park.
“But – we only did one ride!” the kids cried.
We ignored them and did a few more rides, even though we waited in two more lines!! that shut down the ride while we were mid-line!
Finally we headed out of the park and made our way towards “Chocolate World,” which was what I had been dreaming of all day. We were to go on a tour of the chocolate factory.
I knew for sure this whole day of torture would end with a delightful cruise down a chocolate river…
Only the tour was a fake-ass tour with barrels of fake liquid and a fake story about how chocolate is made….. I couldn’t help but think along the tour – “Where is the barrel of high fructose corn syrup??”
The kids enjoyed the tour and didn’t seem to notice that it was completely absurd and stupid. When we hopped off our
beautiful chocolate river boat motorized tour cart – I thought to myself at least we will receive a delicious piece of chocolate at the end of all of this.
We peeled out of that Hershey Park so fast gnawing on our pomegranate balls in disgust.
The next time someone tells me some place is “wonderful” I am going to have to think long and hard about this.
The first thing I am crossing off my list is the Grand Canyon. Many people have told me how “amazing” it is there.
Guess what? I am not falling for this bullshit anymore.
I am not riding some filthy goat up a mountain and looking down into a ditch where I can fall to my death at any moment…..
I’m thinking “stay-cations” are more my speed.
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