I will never be a skinny person.
I resolved myself to that long ago.
However, I was not prepared – and I don’t think anyone can be prepared for how your body blows up and deforms during pregnancy.
I remember looking at my arms in the mirror and just being appalled at how fat they were.
They still look like that today.
That being said – I can’t not eat.
My fat arms do not deter me from eating pizza and pasta and drinking wine.
While many women I know survive on
air and pills gluten-free and Paleo diets and wear size 2 Lululemon outfits, I consider my eating and drinking part of enjoying life – and I would rather go to the gym everyday (and still be fat) than give it up.
While I know that I will never be skin and bones – what I do not find acceptable is FAT children.
I see fat children and hate them and their parents instantly. I famously once got in trouble at my job at a PGA Tour Golf club when a fat little boy kept buying hot dogs and candy on his parent’s charge – and I refused to serve him anything else until he swam some laps in the club pool.
So after a long winter of my little Italian son being covered up in velour Puma tracksuits and his leather jacket, I was appalled when he recently put on shorts without a shirt on a warm day.
“Um…Sam is fat!” I whispered to Mr. Gaga in the kitchen.
“I know.” he said nonchalantly.
“What?!! What are we going to do?” I screeched.
I knew what to do. I started denying him goldfish and crackers that he eats with his skinny Irish brother and started filling him with fruit and vegetables.
Dare I say – I was a little relieved when he had strep throat last week -and seemed to slim down after a couple of days of stomach upset.
The thing is – I pride myself on not giving my kids soda, candy, or fruit snacks. We don’t eat a lot of processed cookies, no potato chips, no hot dogs or lunchables.
We don’t eat fast food and we are fairly active.
So I just chalked Sam’s weight gain to the fact that he might not be as active as he should be and that he will thin out now that it’s spring.
Also, Michael eats non-stop all day and is skin and bones, and I think sometimes Sam eats what his brother eats and
clearly has a different body type.
My mother-in-law was here this weekend to put the kibosh on my attempt of brushing off Sam’s weight.
“I noticed that Sam’s getting fat.” she said abruptly as I was attempting to enjoy a cocktail after a long work day.
“Yes -I know….” I answered. “But I don’t know what to do….”
“You know what to do.” she sniffed.
“Oh my God! I know he’s a little chunky – but is he like the kid in Stand by Me and I just don’t see it because I’m his mother?” I asked desperately.
Oh my God -Is my fat-kid radar broken? Is God punishing me for being mean to fat children and their parents and making fun of their huge sodas?
“Well he looks ok in clothes, but you can see that he has a fat roll hanging over his shorts right here….” she said while she simultaneously leaned over and…
GRABBED MY MUFFIN TOP AND SQUEEZED IT.
I tried to defend myself again.
“Well – it’s hard because like if Michael wants ice cream, I can’t tell Sam that he can’t have any…”
“How about you just don’t buy ice cream.” she answered smugly.
Well I was speechless.
“But I want to eat ice cream…” I whimpered defeated.
Was she not only calling Sam fat but me too?
I know she might be right – but have you had the Talenti Sicilian Pistachio Gelato???
It’s to die for.
Maybe I will eat some right now and start a new diet for me and Sam tomorrow…..
I mean really – like parenting isn’t hard enough. Now we have to constantly fight against our fat American children blowing up into huge blimps!!
I guess on top of all of my other household duties, trying to be a good Tiger mom and working, I will add running a Weight Watchers Clinic and fat camp to my to-do list.
A mother’s work is never done.
Michelle Obama would hate me.
I KNOW YOU ARE ALL GOING TO BE HORRIFIED TO FIND THAT I HAVE A MOTHER IN LAW THAT GENTLY SUGGESTS THAT I STOP BUYING ICE CREAM. CLICK THE BANNER BELOW TO EASE MY PAIN.