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Mother’s Day gifts that suck

You might not have noticed but I am not exactly warm and fuzzy.

It’s a blessing and a curse.

As a mother, I find that it can be difficult to interact with small children when you are blunt, enjoy swearing and call kids assholes.

My children don’t really know entirely how not warm and fuzzy I am yet – because I reserve whatever warmth and fuzz I do have – for them.

However, Mr. Gaga knew that when the children decided to make me something for Mother’s Day – that he should prep and warn me – so I could plan to arrange my face and reactions appropriately.

“So the kids wanted to make you a gift this year.” Mr. Gaga said a few days ago.

After everything I do for those motherfuckers “OK – that’s fine.” I said smiling. “I love homemade gifts.”

“They worked really hard on it and they are really excited – so I just want you to know that.” he practically pleaded.

“Ok – I am sure it will be fine – what do you think I am going to like throw it in the garbage or something?” I asked.


I wondered what it could be.

It could be really bad.

I was watching the Today Show at the gym and they were featuring “Great Gifts for Mom” and I started to get a bit nervous.

First they suggested an engraved rolling pin:


Oh great....a fucking rolling pin...that says Mothers Day I will never forget the day that I received a rolling pin as a GIFT!

Oh great….a fucking rolling pin…that says Mothers Day 2014…So I will never forget the day that I received a rolling pin as a GIFT!


Natalie Morales droned on and on showing different weird jewelry and floral options and then at the end she talked about this great idea!! How about giving mom a balloon? A BALLOON???




I am sorry if this seems bitchy - but nobody better give me a balloon....

I am sorry if this seems bitchy – but nobody better give me a balloon….

Apparently it’s not any balloon – it’s extra-large and it has a fancy tassel instead of a regular old piece of string.  See below how happy the featured mother is with her child in matching clothes and her fancy balloon…


If someone handed me a balloon after all of these years of ass wiping, barefoot lego stepping and playdate attending – I’m not sure I could be that pleasant about it.

Thankfully, the kids and Mr. Gaga are busy at work and school during the Today Show so I was pretty safe.

Maybe it would be something for the yard – I got a pit in my stomach when I saw this on Pinterest:

God I hope my kids don't plant flowers in a pair of "jorts."

God I hope my kids don’t plant flowers in a pair of “jorts.”

Does a mother in America actually receive this as a gift and not bust out laughing??

I think my family knows that I don’t really care about gardens or flowers, or any living things in general -plus they would know that I am a judger of fashions so they would most likely not make this…..come to think of it- what if God forbid they made something for me to wear….


I saw this in Country Living Magazine and it was tagged as “Mother’s Day Crafts She Will Love.”

How about "Mother's Day crafts that she will light on fire if you even think of making them...."

How about “Mother’s Day crafts that she will light on fire if you even think of making them for her….”


Maybe they will just make a cute card or something like that…..

I hope they wouldn’t involve their butts to make it – like this child….


If my husband and kid made this for me I would be really pissed….


I would be like – “You fucking assholes sat in paint?”  And I would say to Mr. Gaga – “So my gift is orange paint all over my child’s asshole and penis and probably his clothing that were destroyed during this process…all for this hideous picture?  Then we would probably get into a fight because I would say something like “Um, where’s my real gift??”

That could get bad.

What if it is something for the house? I saw this little masterpiece on Pinterest last week….

I can just picture my kids coming into my bedroom with this saying “Look we made you a new Serving Tray!” is your underwear drawer and putting cookies and mason jars inside it does not make it a serving tray.

Um…no dipshits…..This is your underwear drawer.  When you put cookies and mason jars in becomes “your underwear drawer with cookies and mason jars in it.”

But all of my worries were for nothing!

Thankfully – this morning I was pleasantly surprised with the coolest homemade gifts from my children – who really get me.

They are very smart and intuitive boys that must be raised by MR. GAGA  a very cool mom.  They clearly know at the young ages of 6 & 8 that they have to think outside of the box to please their mother…..

First Michael wanted me to see his creation that he did last night before bed so it would be ready first thing this morning when we woke up:


Then they presented me with a homemade coupon book.

Each coupon offered normal services that kids would offer their mother; car washing, cleaning, spa services….



And when they made a few of those – I guess they probably looked at each other and said “Let’s be honest….all that bitch cares about is eating….”

That's right - this coupon says that they will "get me food whenever I want."

That’s right – this coupon says that they will “get me food whenever I want.”


These boys know their mother.

And finally – in a final act of love for their mother they presented me with a special surprise at dinner.


It’s a burger and fries fake-out!!

It’s a brownie between two cupcakes and sugar cookies made into fries!!

I mean who could possibly want anything else?

Despite the fact that I have dedicated three solid years to blogging about what an outrage motherhood is – on days like today – dare I say it…….IT’S A BLESSING!!!!!






9 responses »

  1. vitatrain4life

    That is GREAT and I was totally faked-out by the “burger” and “fries.” Also, if anyone actually paid $25 freakin dollars for a balloon on esty, they should be forced to relinquish all their assets to someone more responsible – like the mother of their kids, so she can buy something meaningful or with a purpose. Holy NO!

  2. I got the worst gift ever!! A free fucking Friendlys card with a coupon for a 3 scoop sundae that expires next week. Gotta love the help of ex-husbands!! Are u kidding me?

  3. Thank you for making me laugh so hard on a Monday. I so agree with your comments. My daughter gave me what I really wanted. I day that she did what I asked her to do without making me tell her 5 times (ok 3 times but not 5). That is a gift

  4. LOL You really are a true Snark-tiste! I got dinner & booze so, all good! 🙂

  5. This was HILARIOUS. As always.
    And a happy belated mother’s day girl! xox

  6. LOL. One of the best. Loved the underwear drawer. My fam took me to a Titanic exhibit in Buena Park, and we explored the great maritime disaster before strawberry martinis and the gift of a Ms. Pacman hoodie. So… mine was a win as well.

  7. Hilarious! My husband got us tickets to UFC Fight Night Saturday night and I got a 2.5 hour nap on Sunday. Can’t get much better than that!

  8. My daughter picked out a delicious looking chocolate orange cupcake from a fancy bakery down the street – and after I’d taken one bite – then looked away to read the paper because I thought it was a relaxation day, she took it from me and ate it all!


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