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A Candy Brush Saga

Now that Halloween is the new Christmas, it is taking us awhile to switch gears to Thanksgiving.

When I was young, Halloween consisted of one Charlie Brown “special,” and a night of trick or treating with a pillowcase.

Not anymore!!

My kids went to Halloween parties, we hosted one, we went trick-or-treating in the center of town, they got candy at soccer practice, and from parties, and they wore their costumes so much that by Halloween they were completely trashed and they were sick of them.

Halloween morning they said they needed new costumes. At that point I laughed hysterically in their faces took out a staple gun and stapled both costumes onto their bodies like we were in an episode of Project Runway  and sent them to school.

By Halloween night, we had several bowls filled with candy. We are fat disgusting people who have incorporated the Kit Kat into our daily diet. I have taken three lunch bags filled with candy to work and the kids (and I) have been eating candy everyday for ten days.

Tonight this is what we have left:

candyIt’s never-ending…..

I wouldn’t really mind having it around but I personally can’t be trusted.  Also I am knowingly neglectful about the kids dental hygiene – so I believe it is most likely problematic to allow them to eat candy everyday for months and months on end.

I know you are shocked to hear me say this about the dental hygiene so let me explain.  When Michael was very young, around 2 years old,  he decided he wanted to brush his teeth without my assistance.

He was a wild maniac since he was born – so if I could get through a day and make it all the way to teeth brushing time in the evening and not end up in the mental institution, I would consider myself a great mom.

If at this point in the day I had to wrestle him to the ground to brush his molars, most of the time I didn’t have it in me.  I just let him do whatever he wanted with his toothbrush, dropkicked him into his bed and ran for my life downstairs into the peace and quiet.

Oh you are brushing your eyelashes with it? That counts...Good night!!!

Oh you are brushing your eyelashes with it? That counts…Good night!!!

The same routine followed for Sam.  When they were little we would go to the dentist and they would tell the dental hygienist how they brushed their teeth “all by themselves” and I would smile and say in my fake good mom voice “and mommy helps too!!”  The dentist would remind me how important it was for me to play a part in the teethbrushing time, and he would show me the proper way to brush their teeth and gums in circular motions.

I would say – “Oh yes – I will help them every night!” with a knowing smile.  But it was a lie. I helped them each maybe once in their whole lives.

I mean what the fuck??

I am TIRED!!

Do I really have to do everything for these goddamn children??

My mother never brushed my teeth!! NEVER!!

Why would she?

She was busy downstairs watching Knots Landing or Dallas and she would say “Go upstairs and brush your teeth and go to bed.” and my brother and I would do that and guess how many cavities I have?


Isn’t it enough that the dentists have this stupid fucking chart that basically says if the kids drink anything besides water their whole mouth will burst into flames of plaque and gingivitis?!

Oh yes - celery, nuts and water! That's all the Gaga's eat!!  Now where on the tooth chart does wine and Kit Kats fall??

Oh yes – celery, nuts and water! That’s all the Gaga’s eat!! Now where on the tooth chart do wine and Kit Kats fall??

Oh yeah – remember when the worst, most healthy, most disgusting snack your mother could ever give you would be Juicy Juice and raisins?

Yeah those are both on the “your teeth are going to burst into flames” side of the chart.

I’m sorry but these dentists are just taking things too far these days.

Now back to the teeth brushing…..

So now that the kids are older I have to remind them to do a good job of brushing, but I really don’t do that much either because I just don’t really care….

Even Mr. Gaga is more on top of the teeth situation than me – and I chalk it up to the fact that I have had perfect teeth so this fear of cavities is just not on my radar.

Last week we went to the dentist.  Because the kids are now 6 and 8 I knew that we would be in deep trouble if anyone caught wind that they weren’t doing proper brushing.

I could totally lie forever and tell everyone that I was helping the kids do their brushing – but NO!! The dentist insists on using this pink plaque detecting system.  They brush this pink stuff all over the kids’ teeth and it shows all the areas that the child missed with his toothbrush.

Before the appointment I warned the kids.

As I drove to the appointment, I peered at them in the rear-view mirror and explained that when we got to the dentist’s office they needed to do the best brushing of their life.

“I am telling you right now – we are all going to be in a lot of trouble if they put that pink stuff on your teeth and it shows that you missed spots.  You guys are too old for that….Just brush every inch of those teeth.”

“Ok Mom.”

They seemed to understand.

When we got there – I watched them each intently as they brushed their teeth.  They seemed to be doing a good job (but then again I don’t know what I am talking about.)

I sat back after they both rinsed and spit, waiting for the dental hygienists to put the pink stuff on their teeth. I felt confident that we would beat the system – nobody would know that I was a negligent mother.

“Um…Mrs. Gaga….” the first hygienist sent Michael over to me to show me his teeth.

Oh shit.

Oh shit.

Needless to say – I had to got through the whole thing of pretending to be shocked by the fact that neither child knows how to brush their teeth – and needless to say I still don’t help them brush and needless to say we eat milk duds and sour patch kids daily, so this is not going to end well for anyone.

I just need to get rid of this candy.

My mother had a great idea.

“Well I think it would be nice if the children donated their candy to the food pantry!” she exclaimed.

“Um no.”

“Why not? Don’t you think poor people deserve to have candy too?” she asked indignantly.

“Um – ok yes they do – but they need nutritious good food – I don’t think the food pantry hands out Milky Ways. That’s a horrible idea.”


After I explained to her that the Snickers commercials were “false advertising” and that they really don’t supply any nutrients, she said “Fine do what you want.” Which led me back to eating Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups like it was my job.

So that’s where I am at.  I found some recipes on Pinterest where we can incorporate candy into baked goods – but that really seems to be defeating the purpose.

mway cookie

It just doesn’t seem right to throw like 20 pounds of candy into the garbage…..

Tell me what you all do with all of this candy!!!!




15 responses »

  1. I let him pick ten pieces and then sent it to my husband work. I once took it to a soup kitchen i worked at and they decended on it like they had no ever had candy. I did ask permission to bring it first.

  2. I let him pick ten pieces and then sent it to my husband work. I once took it to a soup kitchen I worked at and they decended on it like they had not
    ever had candy. I did ask permission to bring it first.

  3. Freeze it, give it away at Halloween next year?

  4. If we have a whole bag left, we save it for a white elephant exchange at the holidays. I have yet to receive a white elephant. Very disappointing.

    This year we had part of a bag, so I ate the candy I liked and then took the rest to Baguette’s school, where they were collecting candy to donate to Operation Gratitude. I guess we say “thanks” to the armed forces by giving them cavities.

    Meanwhile, I was terrible at brushing my teeth well into elementary school, and skipped it as often as I could. Yes, I have cavities, but my head hasn’t exploded, so I’m not to worried about it.

  5. My son’s school collects it to give out at old folks homes (we’re in FL), and my denist pays kids $1/lb for their candy and then sends it to soilders. So this year, I let my son keep and eat it until this Tuesday, then it is going to school. I used to let him keep only a few peices and then bring it to school, but now that he is 8, I let him have it longer, so he doesnt feel “deprived”.

  6. Our church collects left over candy, which goes to a local food bank. They in turn fill Christmas stockings with the candy and pass them out to the poor. 🙂

  7. We eat it. It usually lasts til Christmas at which time we acquire enough to last us till Easter. Between Easter and the first parade in town (which could be for random things to celebrate like a bridge) it’s rough. There’s some shaking, mild headaches, and crankiness, but we make it. The parade candy is a small reminder of the candy that’s coming soon from Halloween. Somehow we make it through…then we start all over again. (Occasionally we share with our kids but really we just use the to get the candy)

  8. I too pretend to be shocked at the dentist when their mouths are full of pink. The dentist said I should help them brush their teeth until they are at least 10. I think this is complete madness.

    As for the candy, the kids eat most of it, my husband and I pretend we have no idea where the Snickers and Reese’s cups go at night, and the rest goes back to school, where they collect for ‘the troops.’ Or maybe there’s an awesome stash of candy in the teacher’s lounge. Either way, it’s out of the house. The contributions at school can earn the kids’ classes points toward a pizza party, so they can get fat in a different way.

  9. What is this “leftover candy” you speak of?

  10. I just re-read my reply. I promise I can type and spell much better than that. Perhaps I am depleted since this year my son didn’t really go trick or treating and we had only a few pieces in the house. I never hand out any since no one will trek up my hill to get candy. I buy a bag and give it to the neighbor’s to hand out while we sit around the fire pit and drink cocktails.

  11. I ration it and it’s worked. They get 1-2 pieces with lunch (during the week) and then 1-2 pieces for dessert. It’s worked for us so far. But I’m also vigilant about getting on them if they try to sneak in between that.

  12. Operation sweet tooth sends the candy to the troops overseas. Tell the kids school to start a candy collection for the troops. Tell the kids the soldiers need their candy .

  13. I let my kids as much candy as they want as soon as they get home from trick-or-treating. Also the next day, and my husband and I also. Then there is a day of crazy, sugar-induced manic hysteria. Then the candy is All Gone! And I don’t have to worry about it anymore! So much easier than rationing and making sure their teeth get brushed well for the next gazzillion nights.

  14. Pingback: Swingtown USA | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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