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Dear North,

At just a week old, you only care about eating and sleeping.  You don’t care really who’s in charge of your care so it hasn’t quite dawned on you that you are the child of two maniacs.

You are too young to realize much in such an early stage of infancy.  One day, maybe in preschool or kindergarten you will come upon your name.

You will discover the true meaning of your name, which is  “the opposite of south and is perpendicular to east and west,” and you will think to yourself (probably for the first time but definitely not the last) ……

Wow my parents are real assholes.”

In particular, your father is a really stupid asshat that says and does despicable things like torture Taylor Swift, making weird announcements like “George Bush doesn’t like black people,” and announced in front of millions of people that your mother is his “baby-mama.”

You will have to rise above his inability to grasp the English language and his unacceptable views on women.  He is a disgusting person who was quoted in Essence magazine speaking eloquently about biracial women,  (which by the way includes you.)  Here’s his highly intelligent quote…are you ready for it?

“If it wasn’t for race mixing, there would be no video girls.”

Isn’t he such a peach?

And if there is still anyone out there who might think he is a good person…he reportedly made your mother wear this dress to the MET gala….which is just downright cruel.


Luckily, you have the money for some good quality therapy.

There are many things that I am guessing you will have to learn on your own.  It is not going to be an easy road for you.  Even though your name seemingly points you in some sort of direction it’s all going to seem very vague and unclear.

For starters right now your eyesight isn’t fully developed.  Everything is blurry and colorless.  When your eyeballs start working properly, boy are you in for the shock of your little life when you meet your grandma.


Hopefully you will have a nice stash of money waiting for you and you won’t feel obligated to do horrific things to your face to stay relevant and young.

Hopefully you will take after your mother and not your father, you will find your natural and inner beauty and be content and happy with yourself.  This way you won’t have to end up looking like this:


Just when you have come to grips with your name meaning “the top side of a map,” and made sense of everyone’s face in your family being made out of PVC piping, you are going to come across something that is going to rock your world.

I know what you are thinking..."Ew, I don't want to look at my parents having sex..." Yeah sorry North...that's not your Daddy....

I know what you are thinking…”Ew, I don’t want to look at my parents having sex…” Yeah sorry North…that’s not your Daddy….

It happens to the best of us…so I am sure that you will understand that your mother is a household name due to the mass-market distribution of her “sex-tape.”

It seems upsetting now – but you will get used to it…We all did.

It’s best to just stay focused on the positive.  For example, think about how absolutely gorgeous your mom is!

Look here she is the vision of beauty on her wedding day!

Oopsy, everyone forgot to mention that your mom is married to someone else...hope that's no problem....

Oopsy, everyone forgot to mention that your mom is married to someone else…hope that’s no problem….

Nevermind, let’s not talk about that…

In the end, maybe your name is your first clue that you will have to do lots of navigating to find stability and normalcy.

It is important to stay positive and focus on something happy and fun, which will help you to forget all of the upsetting news I just told you.

I know!

Think about all of the shoes that your mother has!!

Last time we saw your mother’s feet they seemed to have…turned into giant sausages grown a little bit.

kim shoes

She might just find that she no longer fits into all of her shoes!  She might have to give them all to you!


I don’t know about you – but if I just found out that my father called me a racial slur, my mother was a huge whore and my name meant “the default direction on a compass“… this shoe closet would make me feel much better.

I  believe things could work out for you North, just stay the course.

If I don’t see your face on the cover of my next US Weekly then I know that there’s hope for you yet.


your friend LADY GOO GOO GAGA


7 responses »

  1. This poor, poor child! Lmao.

  2. Oh my! Hilarious! And, I never saw that picture of Kim’s feet stuffed into those shoes! Yikes!

  3. Now, sadly… that was freakin’ funny!!! Enjoyed, but so feel for that kid. Have a great day, Slu

  4. I had to give up my shoe collection when my feet grew a whole size after my daughter was born. My shoe collection consisted of the finest Nordstrom Rack, Target, and Ann Taylor had to offer.

  5. Hilarious but all so true…..

  6. Pingback: Gaga Signs of Summer | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

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