RSS Feed

Foul Balls

Some weeks, as Sunday approaches I start to get nervous.

Some weeks go by in a flash and nothing outrageous has happened. I start to worry about what I will blog about.  Sometimes I think, maybe everyone is starting to be normal and life is boring and there’s nothing to say.

But then – I just venture out into my INSANE town that is FILLED with LUNATICS and I will always have some material to work with.

My schedule worked out this weekend so I was able to make it to the kids basketball games Saturday morning before work.  I have missed a bunch, so the kids were happy to have me there.  Sam’s game went well and we moved over to the next court for Michael’s game immediately following.

I only knew one mother there and sat down next to her.  This happened to be the mother I know who always posts on Facebook “how blessed she is to be homeschooling.”  You might imagine we have very little in common.

We made small talk while Michael was lining up with his teammates to start his game.  A boy he doesn’t know was behind him and kicked him in the back of the leg for no reason.  Michael turned to face him.

“Stop kicking!” he said to the kid.

The kid just looked at him and wound up and kicked him hard in the privates.

Michael hunched over in pain and started crying.  I sat on the bleachers slack-jawed watching the coach reprimand the penis-kicker.   My mind raced as to what would be the way to respond to this assault.

It would be a perfect time for Michael to turn into a wolf but that seemed unlikely.


teen wolf dunk

I’m sorry – but by the way, does it seem strange that we fully accepted this as a quality cinematic production starring Michael J. Fox? Look at his legs please.

The coach ran over and sent the “junk-kicker” over to his dad on the bleachers.

I stared down the kid with a look of disgust and horror as much as I could but he didn’t even glance my way. I whipped my head around to adjust my squinty eyeball glare towards the Dad but he didn’t care either.

I tried to size up the situation and figure out why both of these people were immune to my evil glare and realized that the father was a huge Richie Cunningham look-alike with what seemed to be the same nerdy disposition.

I almost could swear I saw this guy on the sidelines encouraging his kid to be an asshole...

I could swear I saw this guy on the sidelines doing this to his kid when he kicked Michael…

He didn’t say ONE WORD to his balls-kicking devil child, and he didn’t say ONE WORD TO US OR MICHAEL as tears poured down his cheeks and Mr. Gaga took him to the bathroom to assess the situation.

You know what Opie – maybe say you are sorry that your son is a huge douchebag….or say “I am so sorry that Michael is infertile now because my kid is a testicle-destroying asshole.”

At the very least make some sort of show pretending to reprimand your kid.

Any appropriate response will do.

None of that happened.  Nothing happened.  It was as though I was in the twilight zone.

While my son was now missing the start of his game, the balls-kicker sat on Richie Cunningham’s lap and stared straight ahead watching the game.

Smoke poured out of my ears while I desperately thought how I could properly punish these horrible people.

When Michael came back from the bathroom with pink cheeks and puffy eyes I called him over.

“If that kid touches you one more time – you have permission to punch him as hard as you can in the face.” I said furiously and loudly.

Mr. Gaga stared at me with alarm as Michael ran onto the court.

“What?” I demanded.

“Everyone is staring at you now, maybe you should go to work.” he whispered.

“I don’t care.”

I started to get my stuff together to leave for work and guess who decided to pipe in with her two cents?

Homeschooling blessed mom!!!

“You know…you are not telling Michael the right thing to do….” she said with a smile.

Did this bitch have a death wish or what?
“Um, I am teaching my child to defend himself and not just stand around getting kicked in the balls by a maniac who has a father that allows such behavior.”

She continued to smile and said “Hitting is not the answer.”

I was going to lose my mind.

“Listen, when you ever let your kids venture out of your house – you might find that the real world is a little rough – and your kids are going to get their asses kicked…..If Michael punches that kid today I will give him a high-five.”

She looked at me and shook her head and said sadly, “I know you will.”

I took that moment to exit the gym.  I called a friend on the way to work to relay the story, who thankfully agreed that the whole scenario was obscene.  Then she gave me a great idea.

“Maybe next weekend, if that mom is there just go up to her and kick her in the crotch and see what happens.”

Maybe I will just start doing it to everyone I don't like.....

Maybe I will just start doing it to everyone I don’t like…..

Basketball games just got a lot more fun.

Linking to “I don’t like Mondays blog hop”




11 responses »

  1. I gave my kids the same permission. They go to a magnet school in the inner city. Those kids don’t live by nice suburban homeschool rules. They will roll up on you and pop you one if they feel like it. And they are only pre-k and K. Bullies only understand a primal beat-down. You were completely right. And hilarious. 🙂

  2. Thanks for my weekly snort!

  3. Wow – I just had something very similar happen with my 8-year-old son but at school. Another boy told mine to bend over, he did, and wham the juvenile delinquent boy punches my boy in the head for no reason whatsoever. I don’t even hear about it until a day after the fact and even then it was me who had to phone the principal to get the details – no one phoned us, no letter, nothing. It turns out they were “going” to phone, but were so busy they hadn’t gotten around to it but then tried to reassure me the matter was being taken “very seriously”. My biggest concern was that my son was being picked on and not sticking up for himself (I mean, why in the world did he bend over when the boy told him to??). However, after talking to the various ppl involved it seems like it was more that he was taken by surprise and he did stick up for himself when in the principal’s office & the little asshole bully kid tried to downplay the whole thing. I’m with you, though, if that kid ever goes near mine again a part of me wants him to hit back. Love the ending of your post – poetic justice! 🙂

  4. That is completely messed up! I don’t know how you held your tongue for so long. I would have said something much sooner. It’s so hard to know that our kids are victims of bullying much less see it happen in front of our faces. I always tell my boys not to lay hands on anyone else, but in this case, I would have told them to go ahead and retaliate!

  5. This is so hilarious! I look forward to your blog every week.

  6. Yup. I like to think I’d have done the same. Sometimes, bullies only understand one language, and it’s a physical one at that. Teaching our kids not to take crap is an important part of parenting, so good on you.

  7. I’ve been at home so much this month that I worry that I’ll run out of stuff to blog about too. Then I step outside into the circus that is this planet and yeah – it’s out there. No shortage of crazy.

  8. Oh MAN your poor kid! What a nightmare. As the parent of a sometimes violent child, I totally understand your approach. When Sam hurts someone. (“I didn’t hit Nicholas, I punched him” was a recent conversation.) we try to respond appropriately. If it seems like he can apologize and get his act together, we stay. If he’s just going to keep acting out, WE apologize, explain about the autism and behavior issues, and then leave. I’m not going to exclude my kid from activities because of his issues, but I’m also not going to let him wreck somebody else’s activity either. It can be a delicate balance, but we at least try to strike it. That Dad sounds like a real cad. I can’t imagine Sam being able to sit through a basketball game at all, let alone after he’d acted out like that, anyway. Usually, he melts so hard that it’s obvious to all and sundry that something more than the usual is up.

  9. Ha! I like your friend’s idea…Be sure to let us know how it goes 🙂


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: