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Eff the Presidents it’s my birthday!!

I mean is it really necessary to not have school or mail because about 800 years ago someone was born that later became president?

Am I trivializing this too much?

It seems a little dramatic.

Does the bank really have to be closed for this occasion?

I say we update things a bit…maybe reevaluate who has done some important stuff lately – and maybe shut down the entire world for their birthday?

Call me crazy – but I think some people have done some amazing things since the 1800’s.  Did the birthday committee lose steam or something? What about even Henry Ford or Thomas Edison, I think we would be in a bit of trouble without those two guys.

I would even be down with a Steve Jobs birthday day off or a “Guy who invented the DVR” birthday celebration… It just seems to me that we are overlooking a lot of birthdays.  I am just throwing that out there.

Anyhoo….while everyone is super excited to be celebrating someone’s birthday who would be 281 years old today, do you know who else’s birthday it is?


Yes – Lady goo goo gaga is now 2!

You know how I despise people who announce that they are “blessed” in various inappropriate public forums?

Well….you heard it here first people.  I feel blessed to have people who tune in to read my words each week.  Two years is a long time to stick by me and listen to me complain and talk shit about motherhood, and I appreciate it.

I am going to take this opportunity to thank some people without which I would have no blog…because basically I would have no material.

First and foremost, thank you people at my bus stop.  You have all never failed for the past 7 years at doing your very best to be white trash assholes at the ungodly hours of the morning.  I especially want to thank the new addition, a dad who comes every morning and shaves his face on the sidewalk with a Norelco electric razor.  As if the mornings aren’t bad enough, why do I have to watch and LISTEN to your mangrooming?  How would you like it if I started doing my bikini wax at the bus stop? Oh by the way, you will be finding out as soon as the snow melts.

This isn't me - but we are thinking the same thing - I don't know where my kids are - and I don't care.

This is how I will be waiting for the bus come the spring….except I will be ripping hot wax from my bikini line…how does that sound Norelco guy?

Secondly, thank you Catholic church.   You never cease to amaze me.  This past week I took Michael to get ashes on Ash Wednesday.  Your cult-like tendencies and bizarre rules, which for example, meant that I had to walk around with a big patch of dirt on my face all day never disappoint.   When the Pope looks around and says “I’m too old for this shit,” we might need to take a closer look.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday...I am so fucking out of here.

I will NOT do one more Ash Wednesday…I am so fucking out of here.

Thirdly, I would like to thank Hollywood moms and wives.  I am so lucky to have a glimpse into the lives of celebrity via my “Stars their just like us,” page of my US Weekly magazine.  Without this, I would never have had the pleasure of being able to address some of my concerns to Kim Kardashian, and Alicia Silverstone, and warn Beyonce about the perils of having a baby.

Maybe for your next single, "Married Ladies" - you can say "If you like it - put a Nuva Ring in it"......

Maybe for your next single, “Married Ladies” – you can say “If you like it – put a Nuva Ring in it”……

Next, Mr. Gaga, where would I be without him? I am so lucky to always have his support and understanding when I disappear on Sunday nights to blog.  Even though I heard him once asking the person at the bank if they accept “LOL’s” as mortgage payment, I know that he secretly likes this little blog.

He understands me.  He understands that I am not the best house cleaner, and that sometimes I struggle with being a stay-at-home mom.  He knows that even when it seems like I have all day to accomplish things, I might get side-tracked and not get to my weekly moustache waxing, and he still loves me.

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today......

My day was boring, I volunteered at the school and then I was going to clean the whole house from top to bottom but I forgot I promised a friend to volunteer at a soup kitchen today……

Also, he inspires me.  When you live with someone who repeatedly looks at you with a straight face and says “That’s not funny,” it makes you try a little harder. It makes you want to go that extra mile and call a small child a twat. Thank you Mr. Gaga.

I could never forget to thank Chuck E. Cheese, for being one of the absolute most vile and appalling environments where human beings congregate.  I have been so disturbed by this establishment that I have blogged three times with fresh material about this hell on earth.

Thank you State of Connecticut.  If I wasn’t continually tortured by snowstorms and hurricanes I wonder if I would be more pleasant.  I wonder if I didn’t have to continually have no power or plowed roads if I might not be so inclined to call the people at my bus stop douchebags or curse out the people at Pottery Barn.    I imagine a world where Lady Goo Goo Gaga is content and happy as one that would be quite boring and not blogworthy.

And finally, thank you mothers of today.

Thank you for being absurd, overprotective morons.

Thank you for making your kids’ sandwich in the shape of a daisy, thank you for not combing your child’s hair because it might hurt,  thank you for sitting home reading 50 Shades of Gray and considering it a good read, thank you for eating your own placenta and chewing your baby’s food for him and spitting it into his mouth, thank you for letting your son’s cry during the baseball game because they struck out, and thank you for tricking me into coming to your house for a playdate when I hate you and your child.  Without all of you, I would have nothing to say each week.

Keep it coming people….don’t let me down.





20 responses »

  1. You know what I did about you and your blog? I hear Lady GaGa is canceling her tour and undergoing surgery and I thought about sending you a get well card. You’re more Lady GaGa than the other GaGa.

    Happy blog birthday. I think I found you a few months after you got started. I lurk like a champ, turned my wife onto you, and now we laugh together.

    Washington and Lincoln were all about hard work education. They’d royally pissed wewere using their names to take a day off.

  2. Happy birthday, Lady! I love your blog, your humor, your white trash asshole neighbors, and YOU! Keep the posts a-comin!

  3. Happy Birthday Laydee…….Keep those great blogs coming. Love them!!!!!

  4. Happy blog-birthday, a momentous occasion indeed! Sounds like you have a lot of good source material…it made me see I really need to get out more.

  5. Happy birthday! And we had work and school on President’s Day. Boo…

  6. First time I’ve visited your blog and though I’m not a mum, I love finding people who get irritated by stupid people too, Happy Birthday

  7. “Guy who invented the DVR” birthday celebration”

    Yes, please. I am now making it my person mission to find this delightful gentleman (and lady) so we can all celebrate him and his magical invention.

  8. Congratulations on two years! Let’s hope Connecticut settles down–it has been crazy!

  9. happy birthday!! and i think we definitely need a dvr day!! hell’s yeah! and how bout a keurig day!! or edy’s ice cream day! i’ll accept ford and edison as well!

  10. Happy blog birthday! I want my own holiday too. It’s so unfair. Those damn dead presidents!

  11. I would like to see that dude that started the Hostess company have his birthday celebrated.

    Happy blogibirthday!

  12. Wooo, Happy Birthday! Booo, Horrible, awful Chuck. E. Cheese and it’s miserable pizza and it’s toxic, evil environs!

  13. Happy 2 year blog birthday.

    I’d say I want my own holiday too, but I’m almost positive my kids would find a way to traumatize me and ruin it forever.

  14. Happy birthday to you
    The bus stop’s a zoo
    That girl with a ‘stache looks like a monkey
    And Norelco guy smells like one too

  15. Actually you have a valid point. Why aren’t there more birthday holidays!!? And I do know someone who ate their own placenta! Barbequed. She’s a weirdo but that’s probably why I like her. LOL.

  16. I think this is the first time I’ve been to your blog. How could I have forgotten it if I had?

    Well done on your 2 year anniversary. You’re fortunate to have so many whack jobs feeding you post ideas. I suppose it’s a blessing and a curse? 🙂

  17. “When the Pope looks around and says “I’m too old for this shit,” we might need to take a closer look.” Amen! Happy Bloggy Birthday Lady!

  18. Congrats on two years of blogging. I hear ya on the limited choices for honoring people. How cliche. That’s patriotism for you!


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