So…….when I arrived home on Saturday afternoon…..
there was a tree in my living room!!!
This was major.
We put the lights on together while the children unwrapped all of the ornaments.
All of the lights worked from last year.
The kids only broke one ornament.
Was this going to be the year of a magical Christmas tree trimming?
We laughed and listened to Christmas music……the kids really weren’t that bad and there wasn’t much fighting.
Of course, it couldn’t be completely Dickens-like, Mr. Gaga couldn’t help but be inappropriate.
I was in the kitchen doing something and I heard him say,
“Ok kids, be careful with all of the balls…they are glass….”
“Ok, you guys do all of these gold and silver balls and I will take care of these, I am very familiar with them…..”
This is a little dig – because in between doing Thanksgiving for a million people, ALL OF THE CHRISTMAS SHOPPING, scheduling and attending the Christmas card photo shoot alone, licking every envelope and sending 100 Christmas cards, decorating the house for the holidays, etc., maybe we don’t always have time for romance around here……
But I channeled Mary from “It’s a Wonderful Life” and smiled and pretended he wasn’t crazy.
We were about done by 7:30.
It was amazing.
Then Mr. Gaga went to turn off the lights so we could see the tree completed.
“Come on guys, Daddy is going to turn off the lights and then we can clap and cheer….”
“No…No…I got this….”Mr. Gaga said to me as he turned to the kids and put his hand out. He waited for us all to put our hands on top of his.
“So we can say like ‘Yay Christmas’ or something?” I asked as we all waited expectantly.
“Christmas…Christmas…Christmas…..” he whispered softly and the kids joined in.
He got louder and louder (as did the kids) until it was deafening. By that time the kids were insane and jumping around screaming “Christmas!!” at the top of their lungs and Michael kicked Sam in the stomach because he was so excited. Sam started screaming and doubled over in pain.
Apparently, Mr. Gaga had threatened earlier in the day that whenever Michael hurt Sam – Mr. Gaga would be inflicting the same injury to Michael so he could see how it felt.
I didn’t know about this arrangement.
All I knew is that Mr. Gaga gave Michael a quick graze to the stomach and he doubled over and started crying.
“What the hell are you doing??” I screamed at Mr. Gaga over all of the wailing and crying. “WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU??????”
“This isn’t a fucking pep rally! IT’S CHRISTMAS AND YOU RUINED IT!!!!!!” I screamed at him kneeling down to tend to the injured children.
“I am sick of you telling me I ruin Christmas!!!!” he screamed and stormed out the front door.
I stared down at the crying children rolling around on the floor.
I stared at the completed tree.
But definitely better than last year……and I forgave Mr. Gaga for his Christmas tree antics.
I have high hopes for 2013.
Last year I let him respond to my angry Christmas blog after he single-handedly destroyed Christmas of 2011, so I am reposting his response…..
MR. GAGA RESPONDS
Before I start, let me first ask this….no one found it ironic that the Mr. Gaga bashing followed the blog about Lady’s period.
It was set up so perfectly.
A blog about a woman’s period, then a week later, a story about how awful her husband is.
The night the infamous tree incident reminded me of a scene from 28 Days Later. (Not just a catchy title, but perfect timing.)
Now while I could probably write forever on this topic, I was given strict instructions about my “guest blogging”. I will attempt to keep it short and sweet.
To you all, Ladygoogoogaga, is funny and witty.
I like to compare her to grandkids. Grandparents love them. You know why? Because they go home to their parents at the end of the day.
You bring Lady into your home once a week to make you laugh. In reality, you close her blog and wait till the next week. I on the other hand have to live with her for the remainder of the week telling me how funny she is.
“Why don’t you think I’m funny?’ “984 people thought I was funny this week.”
Really Lady! If you’re so funny, how come your shit ain’t payin the fuckin mortgage? If you’re so funny, why don’t you go out and buy your own fuckin car instead of stealing mine?
Sorry. I got off task. Let me get back to the story. Two weeks ago, I got suckered into going back to the infamous tree farm. I had no problem going to Home Depot to get a tree and calling it a day. I didn’t want to go out to that wretched tree farm anyway. Lady’s father made me feel guilty. How can I tell this man no?
Long story short, I was ready to pack up around 4:30 pm to go home. Father in law comes up and says, “Can you do me a favor?”
I knew what he has going to ask me before his mouth opened. He wanted me to drive his 2 Christmas trees one hour out of my way, to his house because he couldn’t fit them in his car. That meant I have to drive one hour one way to catch up two hours the other way. I wouldn’t get home until close to 8:00 pm. How can I tell this man no? I couldn’t!
This is the same man who brought me to my colonoscopy, held my hand in the room and drove me home after. This is all because “Ladygoogoohaha” couldn’t make it due to the “perfect 10 ” beach day. In a nut shell, while her husband was getting anally probed by a doctor, WITH HER FATHER HOLDING HIS HAND, she was basking in the sun at the beach.
That being said. I am not a bad guy. I go to work. I don’t beat my wife (though tempting at times). I love my children. I do my best to keep things moving smoothly in the house.
Just so you know, when she was not speaking to me for three days….she actually was actually doing me a favor. Seriously, you women think you are punishing us when you give us the silent treatment. It is actually the greatest gift ever.
What she did leave out was the fact that I wake up at 4:30 am to be at work at 5:30 am. Come home at 5 or 6 at night to high-five her as she walks out the door for book club or some other fucking excuse for a cult she belongs to.
My weekends include play dates with most of the people highlighted in this blog, stupid birthday parties, cleaning up the front yard because apparently if you’re a fuckin comedian like my wife, you can’t pick up a goddamn toy in the yard. I AM MR. MOM!
You know what’s funny?
The fact that I keep having to wear my underwears inside out to pretend they’re clean because Lucille Ballgoogoogaga is busy making the world laugh.
Basically, my message is this. You all should shut the fuck up because every woman should be so lucky to have a guy like me. You have no idea what it is like to live with her! She is like Mommy Dearest, Fatal Attraction, and Misery in one character. This guest blog is my cry for help.
Below is a link for you to vote for me as the biggest asshole husband. But before you vote, spend a week in my shoes. You may change your mind. Thank you, good night, and god bless…….
Sincerely, Mr. Gaga
Alright – really the click on this banner will just further my proof that I am the funniest mom in America…….Even though I already know it’s true – it’s good to be validated – can you believe this guy???