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Raising Justin Beiber

Sam has had an effect on people from a young age.  He has the ability to charm the pants off of whoever he meets.

Last year when he was in preschool we realized at the teacher conference that he had even snowed the teachers. The teacher went on and on about how much she loved Sam.  She even told us that she didn’t even bother to fill out the paperwork for the conference because he was beyond any of the little boxes and bubbles on the forms.

But this was the kicker.

“He is an amazing child.  He is literally my favorite student in my ten years of teaching.  I really think you should take him to the toy store and buy him whatever he wants.” (He was sitting nearby and heard this.)

I love Sam and I have been known to let things slide with him when he charms me, but I couldn’t believe he had such an effect on his teacher.

“Maybe we should get him into acting or modeling.” I told Mr. Gaga over dinner that night.

“No, he’s just a kid, let him enjoy his childhood.” Mr. Gaga said firmly.

“Well someone has to work around here, and I think it should be him.” I answered matter-of-factly. “He has star-quality!”


I hung it up for the time being and concentrated on getting ready for kindergarten.  Sam doesn’t have much in the stamina department so I was anticipating him having a difficult time making it through the full-day without having a nervous breakdown.

Surprisingly, he has done quite well.  The first day, he hooked up with an old friend at recess and he said he made some new friends.

The second day when he came home I asked him about who he played with at recess.   He threw his bag down and put his hands up in protest.

“Well, I had to make a decision about who to play with.  I opened the door to go outside and everywhere I looked people were saying “Sam! Sam!!!” They all wanted me to play with them, so I had to make a decision.”

I am absolutely sure that when Sam walked outside to the playground this is what he saw.

Apparently his magical charms work on small children too.

Life is much easier when everyone likes you.  This is something I am not familiar with.  Since I was a small child, if I even looked at someone they would say “What are you looking at? You bitch!” And I would be like “But I’m 5!” and they would be like “I don’t care, you gave me a dirty look.” And I would be like “That’s just what my face looks like!!!” Nobody ever believed me.

I could never understand why people didn’t like me.

Since people actually hate me on sight(which is fine, because I usually hate them back) this magnetism that Sam has must be from Mr. Gaga.

Last week we had to have pictures taken for Christmas cards.  Last year, and basically all years since they were born, this involves a sweaty torturous hour, that leaves me at the end of my rope and penniless.

This year, I started warning them 24 hours ahead of time that they had a pending photo shoot the next day and that they needed to be on their best behavior.  That night as I tucked Sam in, he said “Mom, by the way, I can’t wait for tomorrow do you know why?”

“No why?”

“Because I love photo-shoots.”


“Good night love bug!! So glad to hear that you LOVE being the star of a photo shoot!!!”

It wouldn’t be bad or exploitative if he “loves photo shoots” would it???

I decided to do a little research.  What made Justin Beiber’s parents decide to put him on YouTube and make him a star? How did they know they were doing the right thing? What makes a nice couple from Canada create the next great teen heart-throb of our time?

Oh. …..not what I was expecting.

“Um apparently we missed the boat on having the next Beiber.” he explained to Mr. Gaga.


“I should have had you knock me up when I was 18 and then we should have skipped college and just saved up for a video camera…..We could already be rich by now…”

“Shoot.” Mr Gaga said with disinterest.

I put the whole idea out of my mind for a while, only thinking of it when he asked recently how old he would have to be to get a tattoo and his ears pierced.

“Well your 5, so at least another 13 year.” I explained.

He was devastated.

Back to concentrating on kindergarten.

Sam’s kindergarten teacher is the same one that Michael had, she is older and not the warm and fuzzy teacher you expect from kindergarten.  She runs a tight ship, which is actually good for young boys. I thought it would be healthy to have an older, more serious teacher, so that Sam wouldn’t always be fawned over.

This week we had our conferences, and while I was sure that she would tell me she loved Sam, I was also sure that she might mention that he doesn’t always like to complete his work, and I knew she wouldn’t make a big deal over him like the preschool teachers.

We started out fairly normal.  The anticipated “we love Sam,” even the “everyone who works here loves Sam.”


And then….

“I just don’t know why you wouldn’t have more children if you know that you can produce this kind of child…..” she said earnestly.

“Ummm…..I’m done having kids.” I said as I peered over the charts showing his progress.  His progress seemed great, although some of the stuff looked a little different from the one she had for Michael.  For example, she had changed the behavior chart.

“Ok, so how about his work, does he finish his work?” it was like I was baiting her to say something bad about him.

She waved her hands in disgust.  “Oh sometimes he doesn’t finish all of his work…but that’s fine.”

“Well why? Why doesn’t he finish his work?”

“Well, I don’t bother him, because everything he does is sooo perfect and sooo beautiful.  I don’t even want to say anything about him not finishing, because it doesn’t matter.  He doesn’t finish because he is working so hard to make sure everything is so perfect.” she went on as she opened up his work packet to show us.

Out of 8 pages, maybe 2 were completed.  On the blank pages, instead of doing work, there were little drawings of ninjas and weird symbols.

“What are these?” I asked Mr. Gaga pointing to the drawings.

He peered over at the papers, “Oh, those are chinese stars and nunchucks.”

It appeared he didn’t exactly run out of time.

As Mr. Gaga and I walked out to our car, I said, “Well…….she has the fever.”

Mr. Gaga shrugged as we got into the car.

As we buckled in, I looked at him.

“I want a new video camera for Christmas.”



5 responses »

  1. This sounds exactly like my oldest daughter Sam!! She can smile at her teachers and get her way. It pisses me off so bad! I used to hear all the same comments when she was younger. Now she’s a junior in high school (just turned 17 other day) and she’s having to bust her tail to make up for previous years mediocre grades. Being the most loved eye rolling beauty queen hasn’t really helped her out yet! We’ll see what the future holds 🙂

  2. As Mr. Gaga’s younger sister, I can attest that this ridiculous reactions from these teachers are a direct result of Mr. Gaga. I followed him up in the grades and would receive comments such as “Oh, you’re Mr’s sister? He’s so wonderful with his ice-blue eyes!” He could talk just about any teacher into allowing him to enter class late or dismiss early. It was disgusting! Welcome to the club!

  3. You crack me up. ;p You SO need to invest in a good camera. Oh, and some bad values… Love ya work!

  4. Pingback: Contributors from No Laughing Allowed | Life Well Blogged

  5. This is pretty funny!


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