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Unwanted Hair and House guests

The other day I picked up Michael from his after-school “Mad Science” program.  A little girl named Mary from Sam’s kindergarten class was left behind as all the parents were picking up their kids except for her.

She looked longingly at us as we all moved away from the doorway down the hall.  “Oh  – I feel bad for Mary,” I said to Sam as we walked to the car.

“Yeah, well – she has lice.” he said matter-of-factly as he hopped into the back seat.

“Wait, what?” I asked in a panic. I shouldn’t have been surprised since the child looks like her mother hadn’t combed her hair since she was born.

This was Mary at the open house for kindergarten. It’s no surprise that the lice took one look at her and saw a happy home.

Of course when a kid in the class has lice it’s not long before it starts hopping around to everyone, and I hadn’t received a note from the nurse.

“How do you know?” I demanded.

“She told us on the bus.” Michael answered.

“She just announced on the bus, “I have lice?” She doesn’t even care?” I asked incredulously.

They both shrugged and looked out the window.

Is this the world we live in now?  Where children are so immune to their peers being filthy with tangled hair filled with bugs?

My BF that lives in Rhode Island knew what to do. “Oh God – I spend hours in the morning putting gel and hairspray in the kids’ hair, lice don’t like hair products.”

This is where being guidos comes in handy.  We have been waking up a little early to be sure that everyone has their hair “did,” but now they help each other to be sure they have enough product in.

While everyone else’s kid in this town looks like they came straight off the set of the Brady Bunch, mine look like they are on their way to go clubbing at Karma.

Even though it’s excessive, I actually prefer it to the way other parents have their boys walking around looking like a Brady child.  It wasn’t cute in the 1970’s and it’s definitely not cute now.

I am sorry but this is just unacceptable. And seeing as its 2012, there’s really no need to send a boy to kindergarten looking like this….Why don’t you just put a big sign on his head saying “ATTENTION LICE! I HAVE DIRTY GIRL HAIR, COME LIVE IN IT!”

I had a crazy week that involved driving home at 2 am in a nor’easter, going to New York twice for work, and hiring babysitters and my husband for the morning “get-ready-for-school duty”, so it was nice to get to the weekend and not have to stress about gelling people’s hair.

Except one problem.  Michael came home with a stuffed animal frog.

His homework was to babysit this disgusting bedbugs collector  stuffed animal for the weekend, taking pictures and reporting on his fun times.

I find stuffed animals to be vile creatures filled with dust and dead skin cells.  I throw out as many as I can from the kids’ closets when they aren’t paying attention.  At fairs, they are not allowed to play any games that might win them a huge stuffed animal filled with styrofoam pellets.   The absolute bane of my existence is when people line the back of their car windows with little stuffed animals.

Is this person just trying to spark a fit of road rage for anyone driving behind him?                 What kind of sick maniac does this?

So imagine my alarm when I found out we were babysitting “Francisco” the stuffed frog.

I wanted to vomit when I came home and found it on the kitchen table. His frog fur was matted and thick, and he looked like he had been around for a very long time.

“What the fuck is this?” I yelled at Mr. Gaga as I drop-kicked the frog across the room, (which is my immediate reaction to dirty stuffed animals.)

“No Mom!!” Michael yelled as he retrieved the injured frog from the corner of the room. “This is my class frog!” he explained.  He was thrilled to tell me the news that he was in charge of entertaining the frog for the weekend and that he would have to take pictures and share with his class on Monday all of their adventures.

Friday night after a long week of working crazy hours, I promised the kids we could have movie night.  I actually vomited in my mouth when I turned to look at Michael and saw this.

All the hair gel in the world can’t save us now.

When Michael went to sleep, I had to steal the filthy animal and take care of business.   By the end of the weekend we had a couple of pictures and Michael wrote a nice story about what he did with the frog.  I had to “help him remember” though.  A few times he said “Wait, was Francisco with me on the swings?” or “Was Francisco with me at Grandma’s party?”

I assured him Francisco was by his side all weekend….

In fact, he spent a great deal of time doing what I wanted him to do.

First I soaked him with Lysol…..

One time Michael and Sam were looking frantically for the frog to play with.

I had to quickly and discreetly release him…..

He spent a good deal of time sealed in a plastic bag outside, in an effort to kill all the bed bugs and lice….(Your welcome Francisco and the rest of the class.)

Thank goodness the frog leaves tomorrow.

Let’s just hope he doesn’t leave any “friends” behind.




26 responses »

  1. So effing funny. So so so effing funny. I loved the visual of drop kicking the stuffed frog. I, too, share your hatred of stuffed animals. Especially the fair teddy bears. They are merely portals that transfer that dirty carnie’s ass crabs straight to my daughter’s Pet Net, where said ass crabs are transferred to Snow Monkey, Rascal, Pink Bear and Fluff Butt. Then those same dirty ass crabs end up on my child’s generic (Target) Pottery Barn Quilt, and then to my daughter’s long, blonde ringlets. Keep your ass crabs, Carnie. And keep that damn teddy bear.

    Speaking of Karma, I think those Jersey Whores are always winning stuffed animals on the boardwalk and stuffs. See? Stuffed animals and bacteria go hand in freaking hand.

  2. The picture in my head of you applying gel in the kids hair until they looked like they were going clubbing just killed me. Then that photo….oh, my gosh! You know he had not the first clue that he was freaking you completely out covering his head with the nasty infiltrator! Too funny!
    Hope you didn’t have to return him to school in that froggy body bag!

  3. Ugh – I hate stuffed animals too. I hide them the second they are gifted and donate them the first chance I get. Surprised your school even allows this practice – we can’t even have rugs in mine due to lice.

  4. Haaaaaaa. You are tooooo much, Gaga.

    I had a beautiful rabbit that the cat used to hump the hell out of. Ever since then, I have despised stuffed animals. Full of sperm and snot and lice and saliva and …..God knows.


  5. Actually Francisco doesn’t look as bad as the class mouse A La “Give a Mouse a Cookie” that came home with my first grader this year. That thing stayed in the backpack all weekend, and only came out for one picture. Luckily, my son didn’t care.

  6. I take it that you’re not interested in the stuffed Greg Brady doll I’m trying to sell then?

  7. Wow, you have a major aversion to tiny little bugs. Lice are actually a pretty nutritious snack.

  8. I *adored* my stuffed animals. But they all came from reputable sources. No dirty carnies.

  9. I hate dirty stuffed animals. And why is it when you take kids to the pediatrician that the only toys they have are filthy snot infested stuffed animals?

  10. Hhahahah I think next time you can put him in a pillow case and put him in the washer/dryer.

  11. Ugh, I hate stuffed animals too. And I have some experience with bedbugs and thus know exactly how horrible and scary it is to have to deal with them. You were right to seal up that hateful creature in a plastic bag for awhile. Although, a spin in the dryer on the highest heat setting would have accomplished the bedbug/lice eradication just as well.

  12. I don’t have kids, but according to my stylist, lice has become so common in schools now that there are actually businesses whose sole purpose is to de-louse (is that a word?) children. There’s one called Hair Fairies here in Chicago. Yuck! Can you imagine having that job???

  13. this is such a funny story. Isn’t there some twisted life metaphor in the fact that our kids fall in love with these sweet-looking stuffed animals that are secretly ridden with earth’s dirt and bacteria? Thank goodness for paranoid mothers haha.

  14. Now I feel itchy all over…

  15. I agree — I trip through the dryer (Hey, kids! It’s a carnival ride for the frog) on hot should kill anything living inside.

    My dad is the worst offender when it comes to the giving of stuffed animals. Sigh…

  16. Your pictures are perfect and what a great post. I want more now!

  17. That picture is hilarious! I’m not a germaphobe, which is a good thing considering I got the most active child ever in the history of the world.

  18. Sadly, I am a stuffed animal lover. I don’t have tons around the house, because I’m single, and well, we now how that would look, a single gal with a roomful of teddy bears, but I do look at them fondly when I see them at stores 🙂

  19. Love the photo with the frog and lysol. Such a funny post!


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