“Don’t even think of asking me what I did all day,” I warned Mr. Gaga the other day as we discussed the pending start of the school year which will leave me home without children from 8 AM until 3:30 PM everyday.
“I understand…..” he answered cautiously.
A few minutes later…..”But what will you do?”
It’s a valid question.
I tried to envision myself with nothing to do.
I decide to peruse the old “Help Wanted” section.
This led to a panicked session of “resume revival” and let’s just say I had a hard time making myself sound qualified for most of the job postings I saw.
Let me know what you think:
Lady Goo Goo Gaga
- To find someone to hire me so that I will not go insane at home, and possibly have some extra money for shoes.
HIGHSCHOOL GRADUATION, 1998 | FANCY NEW ENGLAND PREP SCHOOL
BA, 2002 | GOOD JESUIT UNIVERSITY
- Major: Communications
- Minor: Finding a husband
Skills & Abilities:
- Registered and transported 2 small children to hockey, tennis, basketball, baseball, swimming, soccer, hip-hop, track and field, many birthday parties and playdates
- Responsible for all household management, including planning and preparing meals 3 times a day, making all pertinent appointments for household members, and telling members of the household when it is time to shut up and go to bed.
- Present to-do lists to household partner and persistently “remind” him to do said projects.
- Responsible for all laundering of clothing, bedding, and any other furniture or materials that might accidentally become covered in vomit, pee or poop.
- Responsible for cleaning and wiping of all rectums and surrounding areas for a period of 7 years.
- Filled and emptied dishwasher daily, and kept track of approximately 25-40 sippy cups and snack cups, and their corresponding lids
- Successfully convinced 2 small children that other small children (on the bus and at school) are assholes.
- Successfully convinced 2 small children that Chuck E Cheese is a vile, disgusting place so much so that they stated on their own that they would never go there again.
- Learned to properly utilize vocal chords to the best of my ability while screaming at my children
- Relayed religious knowledge to children as well as utilized proper religious education offerings
- Able to maintain composure and not gouge out my own eyeballs when forced to speak and interact with insane women in various environments including but not limited to playgroups, Kindermusik, and bad playdates
- Got the bus stop moved after a series of harassing phone calls to the bus company
- Maintained sanity while surrounded by insane women or insane children for the majority of the past seven years
- Curbed swearing in front of children to only favorite terms, and completely eliminated daily use of “cunt” and “motherfucker”
Interests and Hobbies
In my free time I try to work on losing the baby weight from my pregnancy 5 years ago, watching any of the “Real Housewives” franchises and taste-testing different types of wine.
LADY GOO GOO GAGA BLOG (http:lgoogoogaga.wordpress.com) – 2011-present
- Make people laugh at how absurd my life is on a weekly basis.
- MAKE PEOPLE CLICK ON THE BANNER BELOW TO VOTE FOR ME AS THE FUNNIEST MOM IN AMERICA!!!!
AND MAKE PEOPLE SHARE ON FACEBOOK FOR ALL MOMS TO ENJOY AND COMMENT ON MY STELLAR RESUME!!