I thought it would be nice if I featured a Dad on my blog for Father’s Day.
My brother recently mentioned he had a little pet peeve he wanted to discuss on my airwaves, so this is the perfect week for him to guest blog!
You remember my brother right?
The one who said I was a horrible mother because I don’t wake up in the night to care for my children.…and the one who says that my house is dirty….and the one who tells me I am a hypocrite for bringing my kids to CCD???
Yeah – that brother….
Here he is:
Let me start by saying that I feel that I have been wholly misrepresented in these posts. First of all, I am not an atheist. I just don’t care for the Catholic church, and feel that people like my sister, who literally think Jesus Drove A Car, should not call themselves Catholic.
Secondly, in response to one other blogger who was “sick of my constant judging,” I defy you to spend one day with my sister. I guarantee you would kill yourself.
Her permanent scowl, angry eyebrows, and silent judging are legendary. She can bore holes through you with one icy glare, and reduce you to tears with one comment, as she did to every single girl I ever dated.
Lastly, in regards to last week’s post, although I did do a “crazy windmill,” my sister neglected to mention that I punched that asshole in the face at least twice.
With that out-of-the-way, I am also a parent. I have a daughter, Stella, who will be two in July.
Last Sunday, my wife and I took her to the town fair. (It’s actually called “Celebrate the Town,” because fairs are for white trash towns, I guess.)
Meanwhile, the whole thing is filled with rides, cotton candy, fried dough, and fat people. So yeah, it’s a fair. As we walked through the main entrance with our not yet two-year old, there was a commotion: three dogs were killing each other directly in front of us.
“Oh my goodness!” exclaimed the owner of the largest dog as she pulled him away from the two smaller ones. The owner of the two smaller dogs appropriately ran for her life.
As the three of us made our way into the maze of tents filled with people selling things, there sat the murderous dog, licking the blood off of his fangs and paws. The owner was a vendor!
Apparently she thought it would be a good idea to bring a completely unhinged dog to a place full of children to help sell her homemade crafts!
The rest of the day was a haze of fat people and dogs. I am not kidding when I say that every third person at this event had a dog with them. As if it’s not hard enough to maneuver a stroller through a sea of fat asses, now I have to stop and wait for fucking dogs to move out-of-the-way?
I was already well on my way to going completely apeshit when it happened. I looked away for two seconds, and when I turned back, a german shepherd on a leash so obscenely long that his owner was actually out of sight, was eating the hot dog right out of Stella’s hand!
“That is it! We are out of here!” I screamed.
As I was driving home with white knuckles and smoke billowing from my ears, a question occurred to me.
When did dogs and children become equals?
I mean, I know I’ve been a bit preoccupied these past two years, but seriously, when did this happen? I feel like the guys at the end of Planet of The Apes, for Christ’s sake! Allow me to illustrate with a recent Facebook post from a relative of mine.
I should also point out that this is the same dog that tackled a one year old Stella to the ground in order to eat the ears off of her head, and then a few weeks later bit my nephew Michael and drew blood.
I know: Super good dog, right?! I mean, if any dog deserves a doggy mani at groomingdales . . .
Seriously though, why is this ok? I mean parents have to occasionally post things about their kids, but that is only because it is expected of us!
Nobody on earth expects a dog to get a pedicure. I mean I just think that annoying parental traits should be reserved for people who are parents to humans. Not dogs. Take this classic bumper sticker as an example:
Well this is just untrue! I know that your dog seems really smart, but that is only because you are a slow adult.
About a month ago, I found a pile of new clothes that my wife had bought for Stella. As I was dressing Stella, my wife came flying into the room.
“Don’t put those on!! I haven’t washed them yet!!”
I became annoyed. My wife can be a bit crazy when it comes to cleaning; clothes in particular. (Did I say a bit crazy? I meant to say Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.)
“It’s fine, they’re brand new” I snapped.
“I know, but they’re covered in dog hair!” She pleaded.
“Why would they be covered in dog hair?”
“Because the store was filled with dogs!”
“Inside the store? Where?”
“Yes, inside the store. At Evergreen Walk!”
“Oh, that’s weird. Was it like a blind field trip or something?”
“What? What are you talking about?”
“You said the whole store was filled with dogs. I just assumed they were seeing eye dogs?”
“No, just regular dogs.”
“Do you mean to tell me that you can just bring a dog into a store that sells clothing for no good reason?”
“Apparently. I’m going to go wash these.”
Really, Evergreen Walk?
Do you know what I would do if I wanted my daughter to be covered with dog hair and smell like feces? I WOULD BUY A FUCKING DOG! I mean what’s next? “Customer with Dog” parking at the Big Y?
There seems to be some sort of misunderstanding going on with dog owners. Apparently at some point during the last two years, someone told them that dogs are just like children, and can be brought to all the same places. Not true.
We have to take our kids and babies everywhere!
We don’t have the luxury of leaving them home!
You think that if I could just pour some water in a bowl and open a can of Alpo for Stella I wouldn’t peel wheels out of the house?
My sister actually has done that!
But really, we shouldn’t leave our kids alone. Our only choice is to hire a babysitter, which doubles the cost of any outing! That is why our kids are always with us! Not because its fun, or cute, or we think that we should subject other people to them!
In closing, I would like to say that I actually do like dogs. My sister and I had two Golden retrievers when we were younger, and we absolutely adored them! But, when we left the house, they stayed home. Because that is what dogs do. They don’t go to fairs, they don’t go shopping for clothes or groceries, and they absolutely do not go into establishments that serve food!!!
Finally I would like to say to all of the fathers, (Of Human Children!)
HAPPY FATHER’S DAY!