Did you think I was going to get sentimental and mushy about how lucky I am to be a mother just because it’s Mother’s Day?
Nope, that’s not going to happen.
Of course, I absolutely love my boys more than words can say – but quite frankly that’s boring.
Who wants to hear about how great motherhood is and how blessed I am to have two gorgeous, happy, funny, sweet boys?
I was thinking instead of talking about how great my kids are on MOTHER’S DAY I should talk about how great I AM!!!
TOP TEN REASONS WHY MY KIDS ARE LUCKY THAT I AM THEIR MOTHER:
1 – Of course – just stating the obvious here – but even though I am Italian and spent many years going tanning my kids are lucky enough that I don’t roast them in a tanning bed.
2 – I let my children choose from refreshing beverages like milk or water and I give them Flintstones Vitamins with Extra C to build immunity! I don’t breastfeed them until they are old enough to have one hand on a Wii controller and the other on my boob.
3 – If I did do something that could potentially scar them for life or embarrass them in front of their friends, I wouldn’t let some magazine reporter and photographer document said activity and publish it for the world to see. I would not do that even if it was for the cover of TIME Magazine, because although I have a blog which could be seen as a touch narcissistic, I am not a complete asshole.
4 – I actually spend time with my kids. I take them to the park, or read books to them, or take them to the library instead of spending my time “bullet-ing” all day like many mothers in America.
5 – I could possibly be considered a “milf.” This is especially noticeable when compared to the “milgamo’s” around this town. (“Milgamo” stands for – “moms I’d like to give a make-over.) This doesn’t necessarily mean much – but when the kids are older I am sure they will take comfort in knowing that when I pick them up from school I won’t be wearing ‘mom-jeans.”
6 – Even though other mothers in town seem to “forget” to comb their children’s hair or let their hair grow to the floor because “Johnny doesn’t like getting his hair cut,” I get my boys frequent haircuts and comb their hair regularly.
I think it is important that they don’t look like drag queens on heroin at the bus stop – (like many young boys do these days.)
7 – I make sure that my children are not fat and lazy. On nice days I often send them outside and lock all the doors, keeping them out for long stretches of time.
When they try to come inside and watch television or play video games, I yell and say “Do you want to be fat and lazy like all of your friends? Do you??” and shove them back out the door.
8 -I don’t really make them go to church. My father made me go every living Sunday of my life. I think my kids are pretty lucky that I am too lazy and tired and not-god-fearing enough, to make them go. When we do go on occasion, if they laugh and act crazy, I probably join in instead of yelling at them. (Sorry Jesus.)
9 – I keep it real. I don’t hide the nitty-gritty facts of life. The threat that my children might some day really end up in “bad boy school,” keeps everyone on their toes around here. “Bad boy school” is a place that my mother-in-law taught me about. It is a place where boys go when they are mean and rotten and can be conveniently seen from the highway! I drive fast enough by it that they never really get a good look.
I always say “Oh look I see little sad faces peeking out the windows….See them??”
They always look out the window frantically with looks of horror – and say “Yes! I see them!!”
10- I BLOG about my life and theirs – so they will have plenty of evidence of what a good mother I am and how much I love them!!!
HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY TO ALL OF THE MOMS! AND AS A MOTHER’S DAY GIFT TO ME – PLEASE CLICK THE BANNER BELOW!!!XOXO, LADYGOOGOOGAGA