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“No pain, no gain” and other things that assholes say…..

I overheard a conversation the other day between a mother and a pregnant woman.  The pregnant woman was talking about her birthing plan and how she intended to have a natural childbirth.

“I don’t need an epidural….I can handle pain.”

It would be highly inappropriate to get up from my park bench, throw my coffee to the ground and slap a pregnant woman across the face…….thanks God I have this here little blog.

I don’t really care if people choose to live a natural life, although  I don’t understand why people want to be in pain for no apparent reason.  I don’t understand why women today want everyone to think they are like the “Incredible Hulk.”

What I find most troubling is when people feel compelled to shout from the rooftops their misguided plans for childbirth and motherhood.

What I would like to say to her and to all woman who have NOT GIVEN BIRTH YET and make IDIOTIC ANNOUNCEMENTS about topics they KNOW NOTHING ABOUT……is this:

Do you know that when you say something like “I can handle pain” how absurd you sound to all humans with ears; let alone those of us who have actually pushed children out of our bodies vaginally?

First of all, unless someone has ever stuck something that is sharp and on fire into your birth canal…..let’s not make any definitive statements about your pain threshold.

I suppose you believe that you will be the one woman in the history of mankind who will not think it hurts.  You are going to be the one human being since the Earth was created that is going to say…”Eh…it wasn’t so bad.”

So, stick this inside your hoo-ha and see what you think.....If that doesn't bother you then you should be in good shape.....

Second of all, when you say phrases like “I can handle,” and “I am not going to,” there are a couple of things that are happening as a result. 

#1 – You are making definitive statements in public which you might regret someday when you are actually a mother.  Why not say things like “I would like to ….” or “I hope to…” 

Then when you are completely 100 percent wrong, you won’t feel like such an ass-hat and you might not have to go spiraling into a deep depression.

#2 – You are implying that your friend and quite frankly all woman who have given birth before you and have chosen pain management of some kind are weak, stupid individuals who have a low tolerance for pain. 

Let’s face it, by the sound of your condescending tone….I am going to go out on a limb and say that you think that we really can’t make any proper decisions at all as mothers, and this is our first bad choice. 

This is why women cannot get along. 

There are too many of your kind; women who (by the way actually know nothing about motherhood) make vastly inaccurate and improper judgements based on something you saw on the internet or something you saw in a flier from a midwife. 

I know that you think you have all of the answers to being the perfect mother because you totally have been taking a prenatal vitamin once a day and have not eaten any tunafish sandwiches for life 6 months, but you don’t.

#3 – You are setting yourself up for a major disaster. It is people like yourself that think you are going to have the perfect childbirth with no pain, just joy and bliss, that are the most let down when things don’t go according to plan. 

What if when you are rolling around on your birthing ball, dying of the pain, you decide that you’re actually not Lou Ferrigno?

And by the way is this the image you want for yourself? It is not very feminine....what happened to the good old days when women were delicate flowers?? Yikes.....

What if you change your mind and actually request an epidural (which happens ALL THE TIME TO YOU KNOW-IT-ALL HIPPIES)

What if you actually realize that sometimes when someone takes a butcher knife and slices you open to let a human being out of your uterus, that it actually fucking hurts like a motherfucker…..then what?

Will you consider yourself a failure? Probably. 

Will you tell us that you failed?

Probably not. 

You will probably tell us that the birthing process was amazing…. that you and your hubby are so blessed!!

And so begins the spiral of deception that so many mothers find themselves in.  You will pretend to everyone that life is great, that motherhood is wonderful and amazing. 

That you aren’t tired, that childbirth doesn’t hurt, that Bella and Brayden sleep through the night and never have a tantrum, and eat asparagus, and go on the potty, and can speak Japanese when they are 2, and can read when they are 3, etc. etc……’s endless the lies that you will tell us and yourself…..


For what purpose?

Nobody cares.

And by the way – nobody cares about any of it – but especially how you handle pain during what is essentially a medical procedure.

Maybe I should start just walking around telling people about how I manage my pain.

“Yesterday I had a migraine and I didn’t take anything to make myself feel better!!!””

“I had to get stitches the other day and I didn’t let the nurse use any numbing cream!”

“I had a cavity filled the other day and I refused Novocaine!!”

“I’m awesome!! ”

“Pain is awesome!!”

I am pretty sure people would tell me I am a stupid asshole.

Also – what possible difference does this make in the scheme of things? 

I know plenty of mothers that make announcements about how they didn’t have an epidural, or they make their own baby food, or they only use organic laundry detergent…then they drop that baby like a hot potato to go to work, the gym, and “Moms Night Out.”

The baby doesn’t give two shits about your epidural lady…I hate to break it to you.

What matters is that you do your best as a parent.  There are a lot of rough days ahead, days that you will doubt yourself, doubt your decisions, doubt your abilities as a mother.

There are days that you might cry not once, not twice…….too many times to count.

Oh and by the way – even though you think you know everything – you actually might not even know why you are crying. 

Things actually can get that bad.

But on those days when you are covered in vomit, and changing your 10th diaper of the day, and you are so tired you can’t even speak, and you haven’t had a shower in days, and you want to murder your husband, and your boobs hurt, maybe you will find comfort in thinking back on that glorious day when you pushed a baby out of your vagina and felt every ounce of pain.




41 responses »

  1. Haha! Excellent! All the women around me – friends and relatives – have given birth naturally. They are so proud of it. WHY? Screw that. I’ve seen their “birthing videos.” I’m going to go ahead and publically and definitively say I’m going to be on as many drugs as possible if I ever have birth. F- THAT!

  2. I cannot tell you just how much I enjoyed this post. Brava!

  3. I am not a woman, so I am not going to say much, but I loved this post.

    I’m done.

  4. I completely disagree. I think women should, educationally, make a choice that is right for them. I don’t think any women trying to have a natural birth thinks it’s going to be pain-free. In fact, I would hope they are aware that it will be the most painful experience of their lives. But pain does not have to be a bad thing. If you want to have an epidural, great! If you want to try and have a natural childbirth, great! It’s an individual decision and there are benefits to both sides. Epidurals may take away the pain, but it also makes the healing process a lot longer and can sometimes even change your hormones to effect those first hours of bonding with your baby. To each her own.

  5. All husbands should encourage their wives to have natural, at-home, childbirths. It definitely shows a side of the new mother’s personality that most husbands have never seen before. Such incredible shouted profanity! Anyway, I could critique your post but I won’t bother. Just remember that “Let’s face it, by the sound of your condescending tone….” cuts both ways. Cheers!

  6. I love this! The torch? That is what I have been telling people! I, sadly, never got drugs with my second, she came too fast, if we have another I am asking for drugs at our first check-up, I WANT DRUGS!

  7. HAHAHA! You hit the nail on the head with this one! Love it!!!!

  8. I am a big fan of the epidural having finally shed the myth of “Supermom” when I had my fourth daughter and let a doctor stick a needle in my spine…and I need to shout from the rooftops….”It was glorious!” I did not feel a thing, the baby was fine, I was not paralyzed for life and you are so right, nobody really cares about our choices, because they are personal and should be respected as such. As a matter of fact, as we raise our children, we will make a million more choices and some days we will feel like we did just that in a mere 24 hours. However at the end of the day, the most important issue is that we raise our children to be loving, thoughtful, empathic individuals so when we send them out in this very big and often crazy world, we can feel proud of who they are and confident they will are able to handle all of life’s challenges. And when we do perhaps then we can talk about our epidurals of lack there of….Of course at that point we will all be too busy basking in our achievements of motherhood and nobody will even listen…….

  9. Great post!

    I would have made sure to go into excruciating detail about my sixteen hours of back labor to this girl just to see the look on her face. 😉

  10. My first thought after experiencing the relief of the epidural was wondering if the inventor won a Nobel Prize. It’s great. I’m sure I would’ve been able to handle the pain – the thing is, I didn’t WANT to.  A team of geniuses worked in a lab for years to deliver me relief and peace during two if the most important moments of my life. The only difference between a natural birth and not, is pain.  And if you choose pain, I also don’t care either as long as you don’t go around with false statistics implying your choice is the superior one. My kids had perfect APGAR scores and I had no side effects I wouldn’t have had if I had gone natural. I’m also quite sure the home birthing option carries significantly more risk to mother and child than an epidural does. 

  11. I think (and I could be wrong here) that part of your point is in regard to the arrogance associated with trying to plan every detail in advance. I didn’t have an epidural for two of my births, but ONLY because the doctors wouldn’t let me have one at the last minute, despite my screaming and begging. My firstborn was a preemie emergency C-section. Do you think I planned for any of THAT? Hell no! I had birth plans filed with the hospital for all three, but in the end you have to realize that not everything is going to go according to plan – and you’re not a failure if it doesn’t. I didn’t fail at carrying my first child because he came early, just like I’m no better than anyone because I didn’t have drugs for the vaginal births, or worse than anyone because I would’ve taken the drugs if I could have. There’s nothing wrong with expressing a preference. But a little flexibility and humility to know you can’t control every aspect of the situation, plus a willingness to admit that you can’t predict how you’re going to feel at 8cm with a doc’s arm up your hoo-haw, will go a long way to making you feel happy and satisfied with your experience in the end.

    • Yes hollow tree, you are so right…’s the smug arrogance that gets me. I don’t really care what anyone does during childbirth, it’s the micro-managing that I find so offensive, especially since as you pointed out ….childbirth is not something that always goes according to plan.

  12. –People that have not had the experience of child-birth or mother-hood can be true ignorant assholes.

    Many of them are forced to eat their own words.

    Drives me INSANE.

    Great post.

  13. I had to wait a few hours for my epidural with my first, as the doctor was 2 hours away on a holiday weekend (small hospital). I vomited over and over from the pain of the contractions until I got the drugs. What’s worse, getting numbed and having a peacefull, loving glorious birth….or
    Writhing in pain and covering your precious newborn in shit and vomit. Talk about a traumatizing entrance into the world! 😉 enjoyed your post.

  14. When a colleague became pregnant for the first time, coworkers were all telling her how wonderful it all is and although it’s painful, you forget as soon as you see the baby, yadda, yadda, yadda. Essentially, lies. I turned around and told her not to believe any of them because childbirth is painful as shit and that expelling a watermelon out of a small crevice should not only be considered unnatural but downright inhumane. My coworkers naturally gasped at the horror of my words to this soon to be mother. I said, “you’ll see.” Woman has baby and guess what? She called to say that I was the only one who told her the truth! I told her I didn’t lie and sometimes the truth ain’t pretty. Fast forward 33 years and I HAVEN’T FORGOTTEN the pain! So these Earth mothers who want to go natural all I have to say is you ain’t experienced pain like this yet. You wait. Pop that kid out and then come back to me and tell me you don’t want drugs. I laugh. Seriously.

  15. Jenny Snodgrass

    I say it feels like you are s*#tting a large TV set. I did not get an epidural for either of my kids, but really wanted one. Both of them came too quickly once I was underway. This is so funny!

  16. Oh, this cracks me up. I had natural childbirth with my first- but only b/c he came too fast for anything.With each subsequent child, I had more pain meds.:)

  17. Haha! You’re my hero. I love this. I’m so sick of that “holier than thou” bullshit. I had an epidural… and then I had an unplanned c-section! And my baby boy and I are both just fine. I never even had to push, and it was awesome! Take that, hippies! 🙂

  18. HAAAA!
    So with you on this one. I’m the girl wearing the “I want an epidural NOW” t-shirt. Last time I checked, no one gave me a medal for doing it pain med free.

  19. Friggin Amen Amen. You do not get a million dollars for doing natural. Do what is right for you. OMG girl you would not believe some of the crap I hear on a daily basis their are days I want to stab other mothers in the eye with fork. I have mothers claim their babies are the best and their is no way in hell they are never going to do one, two and three. Bull shit they are all going to go there once they reach toddler hood…so suck it and STFU

  20. OMG I love this whole entire post! I am laughing so hard! Especially since I proudly got an epidural last time and definitely plan on it this time. No question about that!

  21. I started reading your stuff and while I’m too lazy to comment on all of your posts I will comment here.

    Total chick boner.

    I love you. lol

    I got the epidural and it DIDN’T WORK. When someone tells me they don’t need one I start feeling all stabby. They have no freaking clue how bad it hurts!

  22. The epidural I got with my second baby was the BEST thing ever. I was actually laying there talking to visitors while LABORING!

  23. kelleysbreakroom

    You tell them!! I definitely, definitely, DEFINITELY heart epidurals. With all my heart. (Thanks for linking up with #findingthefunny!)

  24. Of course, first time mothers need to know what to really expect. I only had labor with my second baby (first was emergency cesarean and last was planned) but it was worse than I had ever imagined. When my doctor insisted that I had to have a cesarean again, I was so releaved when they got the needle in my back cause it meant no more pain. Pain is so not my friend.

  25. You crack me up! Sadly I won’t ever know what that pain feels like, because my babies get to come to me through adoption, but if I ever do I will be the first one signing up for that epidural!

  26. I have not given birth, but I can tell you right now, I know that shit will hurt, so this baby is comin’ out on drugs. And the people rejoice….and the hippies scream. It’s a win win.

  27. Pingback: An explanation of this blog | Lady Goo Goo Gaga

  28. I had to be induced for both births and let me tell ya… A couple hours of end of labor type pain and it is just beginning sure did make me scream real quick for that epidural! Love your blog!

  29. I got the short end of the stick with my kid. I have several health problems and had to be induced. Well long story short after 26 hours of labor and having the Freddy Kruger knitting supplies of shoved in me. I begged for the drugs only to find out my body rejects epidurals. No woman should have to feel shoulders passing through. Now, my friend is pregnant and bragging about natural birth. I told her the truth. Quite frankly nobody likes a hero. The doctor asks if you want drugs you just bend over and take it like the woman you are, especially since that’s probably what got you in this mess. She was not as amused as the rest of us mothers who didn’t have a T.L.C birth……..


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