I heard that you caused quite an uproar when you recently rented out an entire floor of a New York City hospital to give birth to your daughter, Blue Ivy.
I couldn’t help but think that you just didn’t know any better.
By now you have surely started to experience the harsh realities of motherhood. I am sure now you realize that you didn’t need an entire floor of a hospital to have a baby.
You seem like a real go-getter, someone who is confident and up for a challenge, so you probably decided to try to breastfeed.
Now you know that you could have given birth in the Buckingham Palace or a broom closet somewhere in the ghetto, and it all comes down to one thing.
That baby needs to latch on to your boob.
No amount of Grammy awards or royalty checks from Destiny’s Child, will take away the searing pain that will rip through your body when that baby latches on, and if she doesn’t -her cries and your feelings of failure will be equally as painful.
After a couple of days of such joy, you were ready to bring the baby home. Oh, when you were ready to leave did you try to squeeze into a fresh pair of Dereon jeans? Were you horrified to find that they didn’t fit?
Oh I think Mariah probably forgot to tell you that
She got lipo and a tummy tuck it is hard to lose the baby weight.
If you are like me ( and let’s face it you invented the term “bootylicious” to hide the fact that you have a huge ass,) then you may find yourself wearing maternity clothes until your daughter is
12 3 months.
You are home now, settling into some sort of routine, surrounded by doulas, nannies, nurses and your mother. Of course, you are nursing so you know that even a small army can’t save you now.
You see, as Jay Z snores beside you while you feed your baby in the wee hours of the morning, that it’s all about you.
Only you, Beyonce Knowles, has the milk in the tit.
Isn’t it fun?
When you asked him to put a ring on it, is this what you envisioned??
Oh yeah, and remember how cute it was when Jay Z would whisper sweet nothings like “I’ve got 99 problems, but a bitch ain’t one.”
Yeah……..not cute anymore.
In fact, I understand that you actually love him so much and think he is so wonderful, that you agreed to name your child “blue ivy” as an homage to his successful chart-topping albums. (A little narcissism never hurt anyone right??? I mean she won’t have to worry about living up to anything……she’ll be fine…..people get named after their daddy’s rap albums all the time.)
Well, don’t be surprised if you aren’t quite as infatuated anymore. The sleep deprivation coupled with his utter uselessness will lead to a slow build-up of utter hatred and disgust.
In fact, you might just look over at him while he sleeps soundly as you feed the baby and want to smother him with your Boppy. The fact that he just picks up his life right where he left off, before he took off one day to watch you push a human being from your body, can be frustrating.
He will return to work with zero regard for who is caring for your child.
After work, he will continue to attend social events with zero regard for who is caring for your child, and without having to wear nursing pads in his bra or worry about sneezing and peeing his pants.
Meanwhile, you will be busy managing your singing and acting careers, your clothing line, and trying to prevent your mother from styling the baby in weird outfits that she created – all while a starving baby hangs off your boob.
Just a heads up, no matter if you give him dirty looks or answer him in short one-word answers, he probably won’t be deterred. The thought won’t cross his mind to leave you alone.
The day will come.
At this point you would rather light yourself on fire than participate in intercourse – but there will be nothing you can do because Jay Z will be home waiting for you naked.
This will further your hatred…….but not to worry!!!
Soon you will find yourself in bed working on baby #2…..ready for all of this again!!!
Except maybe next time you can plan a home birth so that the peasant mothers like myself can utilize the public hospital facilities…..
Lady Goo Goo Gaga
This week instead of voting for me as the funniest mom blogger….if you like it then you should click a share on it. Share on Faceboook so your friends and family can enjoy how ridiculous Beyonce is.
Thanks!!!! Xoxoxox Lady goo goo gaga
Linking to POUR YOUR HEART OUT